To tell husband he is fat

[Howtosaythis]

Husband is very obese, having gained about 5 stone in the last decade (he's now 40). I am extremely worried about his health. He has a taste for very processed food, meat, beer, and fizzy drinks. He avoids fresh food and vegetables (if I serve them for dinner he will eat a mouthful then go make himself a ham sandwich) and flat-out refuses to exercise.

He has a family history of poor health. His mother has been pre-diabetic for many years and horrifyingly we're starting to see the impact of it and she is not well. We're all distraught. Going back several generations on his mother's side, a lot of family members have died of cancer, and I'm sure this puts my husband at higher risk.

He won't talk about it. He wants to change and sometimes I can see him trying to diet by replacing meals with cans of Coke (I wish I was joking). He loses a couple of kilos here and there but it's never sustained.

What can I do to help him? I'm silently beside myself thinking that he is taking himself to an early grave.

So I can speak as the man in this situation, and maybe posting will be therapeutic for me even though I doubt it will help the OP. I wouldn't say I have always struggled with my weight, but I have always hated (I mean proper hated) exercise. I am tall and not well co-ordinated and always had really low energy levels. I am 6 ft 5 and my weight yoyo-d between 15 and 18 stone for about 20 years. So not massively overweight but I guess BMI between 25-30 most of the time. I carried a lot of muscle though so not fat.

I would force myself to go the gym and I mean force but I found routine helped. Then another child came along 5 years ago and a bit of sleep deprivation and was at the higher end of my normal range. Then COVID came and I lost a little for the first month or so but then it got me really down and I was back up to 18 or so. Another child, more sleep deprivation and then I was finding I could do less and less at the gym. Turns out I have rheumatoid arthritis and now my body feels knackered and last week I was 23 stone. None of the drugs tried do very much. My BP is high and I worry about dying and leaving my kids behind.

Pre-Covid I was away with work maybe 4-5 times a month. Just pottering about around the country to meetings etc. It was not much but it forced me out the house (I work for myself and have WFH for 16 years). I hated my job but going away for the day I used to really look forward to. Post Covid I have been away 1 day. So I sit and look at my computer all day or am on zoom meetings and it is really, really depressing. I feel stuck because I am highly skilled at what I do, I want to support my wife as she doesn't want to return to being a teacher until the youngest is in school (which I fully support). It is mostly grazing that has put the weight on and when I reach for food it is like I am in no control of my body. It is just awful.

So what would I want my wife to say to me? We were only sort of talking about this the other day (basically that I don't take up people's offers of help, which are not really help but telling me what I should do and I already know what I should do. We dont argue so it was just a sad conversation). I know she loves me, I know my kids need me, my mum died when I was 10 so I know what it is like to be a child without a parent. Yet none of this makes me stop. It is clearly a mental health problem. I am in a rut as without knowing your husband I still know he is. And the phrase 'in a rut' is a really good one. I feel stuck at the bottom of this hole and I have tried and tried to crawl my way out but I make it a few feet and then slip back down deeper than I was before - and as I sit at the bottom of the hole I sink deeper and deeper into it making the top seem even further away. What I think you can do to help (maybe) is to try to smash everything to bits in terms of current routine. I suspect that might help change habits but also break him out of his current way of thinking. I don't really know what this means in practice and to be honest if I had answers I would be doing them already myself.

He (I) need help but it is just not clear at all where this help will come from. It is a disorder and as with other disorders "common sense" and "tough love" or indeed anything an untrained professional tries to do might just make things worse.

It took a stroke to make my brother take action. His wife had been onto him for years about his lifestyle to no avail. I'll never forget that phone call from her when we thought he might die. He's now drinking alcohol free stuff but really needs to ditch the calorific drinks. It's a start though. Healthier packed lunch instead of the burger van at work. He was so slim in his 20s and early 30s. He's twice the weight now. I'm hoping he continues to improve his lifestyle but he's the only one who can make those changes just like your husband is the only one who can make changes for him. I'm not sure I could live either the worry

I work with a guy like this. Trust me, you could plan delicious, nutritious evening meals all day long but boyo will be off to Greggs and Tescos during the day. Obviously a partner should be supportive but you can't do it for him.

If his kids are begging him to play but he won't then he isn't going to respond to wifely concern.

Maybe not. It is effective but apparently within days of stopping “you see the donuts back in the shopping cart.”

OP, this has to come from him, you cannot pour the desire to lose weight into another. There will be complex feelings and emotions roiling inside him- but sadly you have to just stand by until he can do this on his own terms.

I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with being upfront with him, and expressing your concerns. I’m always slightly confused at the attitude and approach to obesity these days. We pussyfoot around, avoiding words like “fat”, treading oh so carefully for fear of upsetting people. If your DH smoked 40/day you’d be encouraged to be firm with him, even if he only smoked outside.

As a healthcare professional I often have to give lifestyle advice, and I find myself being far more honest and straight with smokers than with obese people. It seems we’re allowed to tell smokers they’re killing themselves, but with people who are obese we can only gently hint that maybe, just maybe, they could do with losing a teeny tiny bit of weight (and we say it apologetically).

I’m not saying you should start being horrible to your husband, but I think the softly softly handling of obesity these days doesn’t do anyone any favours. And I say this as someone who has battled with my weight all my life. So I’m not a naturally thin person who doesn’t get it.

"He wants to change"

Does he? I reckon at best that he wants change to happen without him actually changing. There's a difference.

I have a lot of addict relatives, so ended up on the Tough Love place.

I went to Overeaters Anonymous for a few years. It's for people who think their eating might be making their life suck. They offer online meetings.

There's actually nothing wrong with that. Fruit is sugar, it doesn't have to be eaten, veg does, however. Its taken my DP to have a heart attack to reaccess his lifestyle. So I know how tough it is. He has also now accepted a cpap machine for sleep apnea. His was lifestyle, not weight. It is painful to exercise over a certain weight. So you've got to start with diet. It does sound as though something psychological is going on. That needs addressing. Have you tried being blunt? He is eating himself to death. When he is ready to talk I'd recommend a PT, if he wants a meat based diet, there are many ex MMA PTs, who would work out what would work for him. I think that if you have tried everything else, you need to be direct, but ask him if he's emotionally eating.

UPF is designed to be addictive. It contains all the sugary,salty things that our bodies crave. It is far more appealing to the addict than a salad.
Body weight and mental/ emotional health are absolutely joined. It's why people comfort eat to squash down the issues they can't face dealing with. Is there something like that going on.

Voted YABU but only because telling him he's fat is not the answer here.

I do think you should have a conversation with him, but focus it on his health and the reality of what he's facing now, and maybe do some research beforehand into some potential solutions he can use that aren't focussed on doing things he clearly doesn't want to do, eg slimfast type stuff where you have to give up a lot of food.

Maybe look at weight loss coaches or online programs, or mindful eating that focuses on habit shifts without food restrictions. See if he'd be open to trying any of those.

That’s tough. Even if he won’t discuss weight per se that’s fine but I think you need to tackle the poor diet and overeating with a certain degree of directness and talk about the impact this is having on his health, the kids and you.

He’s an adult, who is married with kids, he can’t just opt out of all difficult conversations with his SO. I think you need to be quite firm as this will affect all of you.
I would hope if I was doing that to myself my partner would step in.

If he is eating more after friends death it indicates even more there’s a deeper emotional reason behind the excessive consumption of junk food.

I gained 4 stone over a period of 6 years, half the weight was gained in lockdown. I’ve lost around 2 stone of that now and for me it was very much comfort eating. I ate when I was bored, when I was stressed and when I was worried and also when I was tired but struggling to get a good nights sleep.

I had to significantly reduce the amount of takeaways I was getting and cut back on my home baking too as well as getting back into exercising (mainly at home). It really hit me one day when I struggled to walk 30 minutes that something had to change.

I don’t knew what it’s going to take for your husband to want to take action but somethings going to have to give, a sedentary lifestyle coupled with a diet like that means he will just keep getting bigger. I think your best bet is helping him to realise he needs to do something and the impact it’s having on the people he loves.

I know they are massively different but I struggled with alcohol for a couple of years. Some of how you describe him reminds me of what I was like. I knew it was bad, I knew I was hurting myself and worrying my family. I would try to change and would for a few days/ weeks then go back to my old familiar habits. Because 'oh well, I tried'

I need to find out why in myself I was doing it to myself. Unfortunately you can't force him but he seriously needs to go to a GP as a first port of call.

Over eating/ over indulging listening to people often sounds similar to alcohol abuse, in peoples thought patterns. From what I've heard from people over the years. The root causes can be different or similar.

Shaming him of course won't help, but encouragement.

I feel for you, you want to help him but he won't let you

It would not be a surprise to him, how would you feel?

I would go down the softer, more emotional “I’m concerned for your health” route personally. Explain to him you want him to live a long, healthy life and see your kids grow up. You don’t want to be left a young widow and not get to spend your retirement together. His health will fail and everything will become more difficult and tiring and his quality of life will diminish further.

If he dislikes fruit but loves salami, maybe he could try low carb/keto? He can still eat stuff like all meat, cheese, cream, butter, eggs etc. things like a fry up without the beans or toast, steak in peppercorn sauce, chilli, roast chicken etc. it's quite satisfying and he will lose weight initially quite quickly. This shows down but it can be very motivational. Maybe you could join a gym together? Even just going swimming and for walks is good exercise. It's great you want to help him. He knows he's fat so no need to be demanding or cruel.

He needs tough love. Can you get him a GP check so he's faced with facts about his poor health? I can't imagine having an ounce of respect for someone who treats their body like that.

I spend decades trying to encourage my dh to eat sensibly, not drink litres of coke per day etc.
In the end I just had to eat separate meals from him and unfortunately he died with a heart attack at 59.
He hadn't worked in years due to ill health and left me with serious debt problems. At least one of my children also struggles to eat sensibly and it's difficult to deal with.

Tough love here. For your kids sake. He doesn’t care about himself but you need to break the cycle for your children. Either he sorts himself with GP, plan, meal planning (not you) or you walk. You can’t raise kids in an environment of extreme gluttony. They’ll pick up his habits. My BIL is like this. Lazy, goes for the easy option. Has serious health issues mid 40’s but refuses to change so leaving him to it. He won’t change for his kids and he’s a grown man and I refuse to pander to things like that.

I have health issues. I have to change my diet accordingly, see GP etc. I do it for me, and my family. I don’t expect my DH to have to nag me to take care of myself. That would be a huge turn off. It can’t be attractive living with some who acts like a child?

@Ruralrules I'm so so sorry to hear that. I fear we're heading in the same direction and I just feel a huge burden of responsibility for our children as I don't think I can rely on him to be there.

He's very loving and shows it by feeding us and buying us presents. When I'm not there he always takes the kids to McDonald's, for ice cream etc etc. They love it but it winds me up no end and I always snap at him.

It's not his fault but I feel under so much pressure due to this situation, not just because i worry about his health. I always have to make the grown up choices and put my foot down, and it means that I don't have any wiggle room for making a freezer meal when I'm tired, for example, because every choice I make has to counterbalance the choices he makes.

@Howtosaythis it has also impacted my older child, who started to get quite fat and DH wouldn't recognise it, so I took her to the doctor so he could write a note to my husband about her diet. It worked, thankfully, and hopefully won't have any lasting consequences.

I completely agree.

Body shaming someone you’re supposed to love is not a kind thing to do.

He knows he is overweight.

Its very likely that he is unhappy with his weight and is therefore punishing himself by eating even more unhealthy.

Telling him he’s fat, is going to push him further into that cycle.

You can tell him you’re worried about his health because of what he’s eating/not exercising, and you don’t need to do it in a way that’s going to make him feel shit and body shame him.

He sounds depressed.
Perhaps start with encouraging him to see the GP.

I would also cook healthy meals and suggest activities that don’t involve food.

It's not his fault

Isn't it? What he eats and whether he exercises are his responsibility, not yours - you do what you can by buying healthy food, it really is 100% on him if he chooses to buy unhealthy stuff instead.

All you can do is support him if he makes any effort at all to behave more responsibly.

@jm9138 thanks for your account, and I'm sorry you're struggling 💐you sound a lot like my husband. I hope you find a way to get on top of things soon and feel much better.

Can you provide more information on what 'tough love' means in this situation? Is tough love what people with anorexia need? I guess he is just fat because he is lazy and greedy and as such a horrible person. Can you expand on what not having 'an ounce of respect' would mean on a day to day basis? Would it mean shouting 'fat bastard' at him in the street? Or that you judge you are so superior to them they are not worthy of any positive interaction.

I am sorry to hear your struggles. Unfortunately, unless the motivation directly comes from him, there is nothing you can do. I understand where you are coming from- we have a family member just like your DH. It’s not the aesthetics , it’s your worry about his health. If he continues the way he is, do you realistically see yourself staying in the relationship? I think you have every right to be with someone who prioritises their health or even cares about it a little bit.

Great way of looking at it, thanks... no I've never told him how it affects us, and especially my fears about illness/death, so maybe a frank conversation in this direction would help.

And no I'd never leave him, but honestly I am preparing for a lonely old age. If he doesn't die then he'll probably leave me as I get so angry about the situation (coupled with my general angsty personality)that I can be quite difficult to be with. I know it sounds very dramatic and I'd never say it to anyone IRL but that's how I feel.