It's a lift one

[myotherhalfisatriffid]

I live round the corner from a nice old chap (we'll call him Alf just because it sounds pleasant) and we both go to the same church service each week. He used to drive himself and I drive myself. Only problem is that now his sons have taken the car keys off him as his driving was getting a bit dodgy. Now that's fair enough but they haven't bothered to sort a solution to Alf's need to get to places, not just church but the shops, medical appointments etc. Basically his whole life.
Previously I'd give Alf a lift to church on the odd occasion when the car was in the garage, and I'd always said that I was happy to pick him up (and take him home) 'in an emergency'. And I was specific about the emergency part. But now, as he's not able to use his car, he asks me for a lift every week.
I'm mega struggling with this because I'm autistic and I find church (and everything else) really stressful. I have my (really rather rigid) routine which works for me and helps me to keep the anxiety fairly in check. Things like getting there at the same time (almost to the minute) each week, parking in the same place, having music on to sing along to etc. And as I find people hard work I'm not great at too much conversation - Alf is particularly difficult as he's quite deaf and has a totally different conversation to the one I'm having, not the easiest when you're also trying to drive. Alf can't walk from where I park - we have to park in the church car park which I hate. And he's never ready on time and moves really slowly (yes I know he's old and can't help it but it impacts my routine even more). And he does like his chat so I can't even have my music on.
I know that most people would say 'what's the problem, he's not out of your way and it's the Christian thing to do' and yes that's all true but it doesn't stop it from being a massive problem to me. To the extent that I'm thinking about quitting church.
What makes it more annoying is that one son lives 5 mins away and the other one actually lives with Alf & is now using his car. And isn't giving Alf a penny towards bills for house or car. So he has a lift literally on his doorstep but rather than asking his children he'll ask me. And I don't want to. I was happy to do an emergency lift but every week is not an emergency. And I'm really struggling.
Am I being unreasonable (given my autism and all) and how do I get out of it without hurting Alf's feelings (as he's a lovely bloke) or being person non grata at church?

Does the church not have a minibus for oldies?

Explain all this to your vicar and ask him to intercede on your behalf.

Yanbu. I'm trying to think up lies for you to tell but that's not very Christian.

I don't want to

@myotherhalfisatriffid you know this is enough right? You don't have to give any reason at all (though I hasten to add that yours sound very good reasons). Just say 'Alf, I'm sorry but I'm not able to offer you a lift to or from church every week. Why don't you ask [son who lives with you]?

And same message to church if they do happen to ask: 'He has one son who lives with him and another who's only 5 minutes away. Maybe one of them could give him a lift as I'm no longer to do so.'

There is a great value to speaking the truth.

you say, I am sorry, I am autistic and I find it too stressful to give lifts to anyone regularly. I am not going to be able to do this from now on.

The fact that the son has just taken the car suggests to me something a little untoward. If driving is no longer safe for him the car should be sold and then he can use the couple of thousand it must surely release to set up an account with a local taxi firm. The keys shouldn’t just be taken. Id speak with the vicar and ask him to have a word with the son about setting up some sort of provision for Alf so he retains his independence.

Speak to someone at church about the issue so they can help arrange an alternative life for him.

Speak to the vicar at the church, I'm sure they'll be able to sort a lift out for him with someone else.

Also this ^ they can't just take his car and leave the poor man with nothing isn't that theft?

If you find church really stressful, why do you go every week? Maybe stopping going would be a positive for you in other ways?

Unfortunately the church doesn't have a minibus and the vicar isn't really all that understanding. I do agree that the car should be sold and the money used for taxis - that would be ideal all round but the son is a CF so won't happen.
But I'm really grateful for all the support. I thought I was going to be hung, drawn and quartered! Just knowing that I can say 'Sorry no, I can't manage it because of my autism' and there are at least some people on the earth who'd understand really makes a difference. And I think you might be right @MassageForLife that maybe not going every week might be a good idea regardless.
And there was me thinking that you were all vipers - you're just a bunch of softies 😌

"And there was me thinking that you were all vipers - you're just a bunch of softies"

Don't tell everyone, you'll ruin our reputation 🤫

How awkward op....no useful advice for you but i seem to get myself in these situations aswell then tie myself up in knots trying to get out of it...good luck x

Can you corner one of the sons and explain that it's not possible for you to be relied upon regularly like this? Maybe they don't realise there is a problem if "Alf" has given the impression that you're happy to carry on doing it.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, giving regular lifts to someone like this becomes a chore because their needs don't match yours.

I used to feel guilty about not offering a lift to someone I went to night class with as the public transport options were shite. Ultimately though, she chose to attend knowing what the buses were like and I just couldn't face adding unwanted company to a 2 hour round trip every week.

@SnarkMode Thing is that they can't see that church is important to him so I think they're more of the opinion (or that's the impression that Alf's given me) that if he can't get a lift from me it's fine for him to stay home and miss it. But yes they probably do think I'm fine with it, after all to most people it's a minor thing.
I just find it so frustrating that he's willing to ask me for a lift (and employ some emotional blackmail) yet he's not willing to ask his own offspring.
And another thing that bugs me is that he'll often leave asking me until the end of Saturday or even sometimes the crack of dawn on Sunday so I can't even relax. And I can't text him to check because that's giving the impression that I'm offering!

Is “Alf” still firing on all cylinders? Maybe you could put the taxi suggestion to him directly?

Could you speak to the son and ask him to take his dad and that you'll take him home? Maybe say you are struggling with timings and parking with his dad?

Honestly I would even leave the autism out of it, you don’t need a reason, you can simply just say “no”. I’m not autistic but I wouldn’t want to be tied in to giving somebody a lift every single week, and to be honest if you know the man quite well I’d be speaking to his sons about it all and put the onus on them to facilitate a lift/taxi. It’s one thing providing occasional lifts, I wouldn’t mind that at all, but every single week- no.

He is still pretty on the ball and I have tried suggesting taxis but he says they're so expensive, which is true. But if he sold the car or, heaven forbid, CF son paid some rent, then he'd have a taxi fund. Only he won't talk to CF son and put his foot down. I did offer to have a chat (!) but I think Alf realised that I'd possibly be a little tactless and not hold back on my opinion. I'm a coward about confrontation on the one hand but fairly forthright about things where I've a strong opinion, like people being CF. So actually saying no to Alf feels really hard but going 'give your father some money you CF!' seems so much easier!!

Change your number or block him!😂

@bestbefore The problem with giving him a lift home is that I'd either have to park in the car park when I arrived or get the car afterwards and come down to the car park as Alf wouldn't be able to walk up there. It's hassle. And I like having the option of a quick chat with other people because it's a couple of mins walk in the same direction as where others park so sometimes there's someone to practice my crap conversational abilities on. And sometimes I can just leave quickly and ignore everyone.
Plus although I've never had a panic attack in church I've come close a few times and its nice knowing that I can leave if I need too. Being stuck doing a lift home puts pressure on there as well.

Blocking is definitely an idea 😁

I don't know what autism has to do with it, you don't want to do it so say you are not doing it

@Mrsttcno1 Do you not think people would think I was really rude? I'm worried that word will go around at church and even though quite a few people know I'm autistic I don't look obviously struggling (apart from when I flap!) and I don't think people really get it. Autism is well-known on Mumsnet but somehow in the real world, and particularly among the old generations (which is church), no-one knows what it involves.

Old generation here... I know what autism is, and I'm also an ordained priest.

What denomination are we talking about, where a priest didn't "get" old age?