It's a lift one

[myotherhalfisatriffid]

I live round the corner from a nice old chap (we'll call him Alf just because it sounds pleasant) and we both go to the same church service each week. He used to drive himself and I drive myself. Only problem is that now his sons have taken the car keys off him as his driving was getting a bit dodgy. Now that's fair enough but they haven't bothered to sort a solution to Alf's need to get to places, not just church but the shops, medical appointments etc. Basically his whole life.
Previously I'd give Alf a lift to church on the odd occasion when the car was in the garage, and I'd always said that I was happy to pick him up (and take him home) 'in an emergency'. And I was specific about the emergency part. But now, as he's not able to use his car, he asks me for a lift every week.
I'm mega struggling with this because I'm autistic and I find church (and everything else) really stressful. I have my (really rather rigid) routine which works for me and helps me to keep the anxiety fairly in check. Things like getting there at the same time (almost to the minute) each week, parking in the same place, having music on to sing along to etc. And as I find people hard work I'm not great at too much conversation - Alf is particularly difficult as he's quite deaf and has a totally different conversation to the one I'm having, not the easiest when you're also trying to drive. Alf can't walk from where I park - we have to park in the church car park which I hate. And he's never ready on time and moves really slowly (yes I know he's old and can't help it but it impacts my routine even more). And he does like his chat so I can't even have my music on.
I know that most people would say 'what's the problem, he's not out of your way and it's the Christian thing to do' and yes that's all true but it doesn't stop it from being a massive problem to me. To the extent that I'm thinking about quitting church.
What makes it more annoying is that one son lives 5 mins away and the other one actually lives with Alf & is now using his car. And isn't giving Alf a penny towards bills for house or car. So he has a lift literally on his doorstep but rather than asking his children he'll ask me. And I don't want to. I was happy to do an emergency lift but every week is not an emergency. And I'm really struggling.
Am I being unreasonable (given my autism and all) and how do I get out of it without hurting Alf's feelings (as he's a lovely bloke) or being person non grata at church?

Could you change service? At my local church the early Sunday service has no hymns.

This is a really shocking thread. A vulnerable elderly man is treated appallingly by his son who steals his car, ignored by his supposedly Christian Vicar and now people on here are recommending his neighbour blocks him because she his sick of him being a vulnerable old man and doesn't want to help.

Now I don't believe in God, or that Jesus was his son. But I would not leave him in this state, I would contact the church repeatedly and be a thorn in their side until they helped, I would contact social care and get this man some help.

FFS those WhatWwouldJesusDo bands in the 90s were tiresome but you really need to have a think. Does God want you in that building singing and praying or does he want you to help and elderly frail Christian man who clearly needs it?

I do not understand religion at all.

To address a few - I wouldn't have a problem being on a rota and doing it once a month (and I will suggest that to Alf) but I'm not sure there would be enough regular volunteers as most of the regular attendees live within walking distance (little village and Alf & I live outside it. I can see myself starting off once a month and then getting dragged in weekly. Saying I've got commitments before / after might work, or some of the time at least (maybe interspersed with other excuses) - provided I'm not spotted driving home!
Yes, we should be helping the community. But just because I'm younger than Alf doesn't mean that actually I might not need help too. I'm the community too. I've been helping and now those demands for help have got too much for me. I'd love to be the sort of person who can be part of social things and be there for everyone. I really would. But I can't. I tried when I was younger - I managed to volunteer for various things and somehow always came unstuck in the end. But I tried, repeatedly. Now I'm at that point when there's nothing left. I have no self-confidence, I struggle with people, and I'm scared of getting old and not being able to cope in a world that's not designed for me. And apparently I'm not even allowed to mention that I'm autistic because that's an excuse, even though it's the sodding reason.
Yes, there's a possibly that he and his wife are being financially abused to some extent. Certainly being taken advantage of by younger son in a big way - there are more instances of younger son's piss-taking. I've suggested Alf talk to older son about it but he doesn't want to because older son 'does enough to help' (the odd lift? hardly enough) and I don't see older son to talk to myself or I probably would have done. I'm not sure that Social Services would be interested as the behaviour is selfish and piss-taking but not illegal. Alf could say no to things but doesn't for a quiet life. If I though the vicar would be more help I'd have a chat there but having seen the disinterest when a member of the congregation was struggling with grief from a bereavement once I'm not hopeful. And the warden doesn't come to our service.
I'm at the quiet service now so I can't swap and we don't do online services anymore (did during covid) but I could try a different churches online offering. I have tried skipping a couple of weeks in the past to try and break the habit but once I go back the texts start again. Sometimes in my absence he'll manage to persuade 5minsaway son to drive him but more often he'll just not go and then tell me how much he misses it. It just seems unfair when Alf has different options open to him (sons giving lifts, asking church, selling car & getting taxis) but uses me as the easy option.
(And I know it sounds as if I'm rejecting every suggestion but I've come up with so many ideas in my head and then worked out why they wouldn't work. I may have to fall back on the Mumsnet 'no is a complete sentence')

I'm not sick of him being a vulnerable old man and don't want to help! I've been helping. I feel desperately guilty about it. I'm praying to God every day to ask Him to help Alf find a solution (which Alf has if he'd just ask his bloody sons!). I just can't cope any more. It's having a huge impact on MY mental health and on MY physical health. And I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't want that either and might want Alf to help himself.

Have you thought about staying at home and watching an online stream? Lots of churches, of all sorts of denominations, do a live stream of Sunday services these days. I'm sure god wouldn't mind. ;)

If that's not an option, you'll have to be honest, "I'm sorry Alf, but I can't continue doing weekly lifts any more. Because of my autism I just find it too stressful. It's nothing personal, but knowing you're relying on me just adds a layer of complexity that I can't manage. Perhaps you could ask "son in your literal house" or "son who is 5 mins away" to take you? Hope to see you at the service next week."

Op, try to ignore the people that are suggesting you need to 'do the Christian thing', you have made it clear that a) you have been and b) you can't take it on as a weekly role.

I wonder how many of the people saying that would be quick to volunteer their time every week if it was to have an equivalent detrimental effect on them. Not many, I'll bet.

Funny how, if someone on here doesn't want to give a lift to a colleague, they get full support, but because you go to church you aren't allowed to not want to, even though your reasons are so much more compelling than the 'I just don't want to' you often get in those threads. Not that there's anything wrong in not doing something because you don't want to.

Op, look after yourself first. If that means an online service for a while or even forever - that's just fine!

You are being taken advantage of, massively.

The root cause of this situation is the over indulgence/lack of discipline of the son who lives at home and the failure of Alf AND his wife to insist on boundaries and fair play. Nothing you can or should do about that blatant imbalance.

You are not Alf's family. These stupidities are not your responsibility. All you'll get if you 'meddle' (in the son's opinion) is a load of trouble and you won't even get any change in the situation because none of them actually want the situation to change, each for their various reasons ... let me guess - son is doing very nicely out of it all, thank you very much; Mrs Alf is able to indulge her golden boy and Alf doesn't have to deal with any discord in the home.

All three are inflicting their poor behaviour upon you. I see nothing in scripture that compels you to sacrifice your own peace of mind so that other adults are able to drift along with no care for your well being. I'd go so far as to say the whole things smacks of lack of backbone.

Given Alf's hard of hearing state, I'd be dropping off a note through his letterbox that from say 1st March, you will have an appointment following the church service and can no longer offer a lift.

You are not a household appliance that they get to switch on and off as it suits them. Good luck.

I really sympathise with you op. And you are part of a community. And you are important.

I work in the CofE so in case this is helpful:

1. You could speak to the designated safeguarding officer for your parish (is this the vicar? Hope not). Their email or number (but hopefully an email) should be on their churchnearyou page or website.
2. If its not listed or they brush you off you could speak directly to the safeguarding lead at the diocese. Their name and details should definitely be on the diocesan website.

I feel myself like its possible Alf IS being financially abused, because they've taken the car for their own use, with no discussion of financially making him whole. I think you could refer him as a potentially vulnerable adult potentially being financially abused and ask if they can make an onward referral to social services.

1. Many CofE midweek services don't have music. These are often more traditional language services, and may not meet your needs in other ways, but it might be worth a look. Often on a Wednesday morning. You can check out all local to you CofE churches on AChurchNearYou.