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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's a lift one

83 replies

myotherhalfisatriffid · 21/02/2024 18:07

I live round the corner from a nice old chap (we'll call him Alf just because it sounds pleasant) and we both go to the same church service each week. He used to drive himself and I drive myself. Only problem is that now his sons have taken the car keys off him as his driving was getting a bit dodgy. Now that's fair enough but they haven't bothered to sort a solution to Alf's need to get to places, not just church but the shops, medical appointments etc. Basically his whole life.
Previously I'd give Alf a lift to church on the odd occasion when the car was in the garage, and I'd always said that I was happy to pick him up (and take him home) 'in an emergency'. And I was specific about the emergency part. But now, as he's not able to use his car, he asks me for a lift every week.
I'm mega struggling with this because I'm autistic and I find church (and everything else) really stressful. I have my (really rather rigid) routine which works for me and helps me to keep the anxiety fairly in check. Things like getting there at the same time (almost to the minute) each week, parking in the same place, having music on to sing along to etc. And as I find people hard work I'm not great at too much conversation - Alf is particularly difficult as he's quite deaf and has a totally different conversation to the one I'm having, not the easiest when you're also trying to drive. Alf can't walk from where I park - we have to park in the church car park which I hate. And he's never ready on time and moves really slowly (yes I know he's old and can't help it but it impacts my routine even more). And he does like his chat so I can't even have my music on.
I know that most people would say 'what's the problem, he's not out of your way and it's the Christian thing to do' and yes that's all true but it doesn't stop it from being a massive problem to me. To the extent that I'm thinking about quitting church.
What makes it more annoying is that one son lives 5 mins away and the other one actually lives with Alf & is now using his car. And isn't giving Alf a penny towards bills for house or car. So he has a lift literally on his doorstep but rather than asking his children he'll ask me. And I don't want to. I was happy to do an emergency lift but every week is not an emergency. And I'm really struggling.
Am I being unreasonable (given my autism and all) and how do I get out of it without hurting Alf's feelings (as he's a lovely bloke) or being person non grata at church?

OP posts:

HeyJackKerouac · 21/02/2024 21:08

How far is the journey? Could you consider walking all or some of the way? You could tell Alf that now spring is coming you want to get some fresh air and exercise so you can't give him a lift.

Original poster

myotherhalfisatriffid · 21/02/2024 21:09

@NotQuiteNorma I don't know. A couple might but the ones who might don't turn up every week so it would be a bit hit and miss. It's not a big congregation.

OP posts:

StrongTea · 21/02/2024 21:09

Wonder if Alf and his son would give you a lift if you asked? Probably not occurred to Alf to ask his son as you are going anyway.

Original poster

myotherhalfisatriffid · 21/02/2024 21:12

Too far for me to walk - or at least I'd struggle and I'd have to get up so early! I've thought about cycling. That might be a summer option.
To be honest I wouldn't want a lift - I enjoy my space, my routine.. That would be a whole extra level of anxiety. And two people to talk to instead of one!!!!!

OP posts:

drspouse · 21/02/2024 21:17

Our church has 20 members and wouldn't have a chance in, er, heaven of affording a minibus but leaving that aside, I think it's the son's job to take him given it's Alf's car!

If this were not the case I'd suggest you work with Alf to get him within your routine (go early for him, explain about music/quiet in the car, drop him at the door and then park in "your" space).

Our DS has SEN and thrives on routine, and we take him to church with a routine we have built up bit by bit over the years. It changes occasionally through negotiation and with warning eg we couldn't sit in our normal seats in COVID due to social distancing, so we remembered to warn him on the way there that it might not be possible. Now he's a bit more used to there being a choice of seats. He now helps to ring the bell during communion and we're proud as anything with him for doing that.

Original poster

myotherhalfisatriffid · 21/02/2024 21:18

I think I just need to say 'sorry I can't manage it any more' and a variation on some of the helpful earlier suggestions and bite the bullet. And then keep looking online for a local church that might be more accommodating. Life is too short and I'm not enjoying it. And now I've been summoned to provide supper for a cat who cannot possibly wait another second so I shall come back to this tomorrow. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Mischance · 21/02/2024 21:24

He has sons - let them do it. I would do it for my Dad if I was living with him, or living so close by.

IslayAnn · 21/02/2024 21:32

Similar thing happened with my mum's church, an elderly person no longer able to drive themselves. The church members ended up doing a rota for lifts so my mum would take him every few weeks or so. Could this work for you?

Treegarden · 21/02/2024 21:36

I think the easiest thing to do is to tell him you
Are out before church and have plans after so won't be able to give him a lift. Tell him you have a lot of plans next month so won't be able to commit to lifts so could he arrange for someone else to get him too and back from church.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 21/02/2024 21:42

We should be trying to help those in the community.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 21/02/2024 21:43

Alf sounds like he is being abused financially. Please do something about that. People really don’t want to help anyone past there front door it’s really sad.

SnarkMode · 21/02/2024 21:46

myotherhalfisatriffid · 21/02/2024 19:54

@SnarkMode Thing is that they can't see that church is important to him so I think they're more of the opinion (or that's the impression that Alf's given me) that if he can't get a lift from me it's fine for him to stay home and miss it. But yes they probably do think I'm fine with it, after all to most people it's a minor thing.
I just find it so frustrating that he's willing to ask me for a lift (and employ some emotional blackmail) yet he's not willing to ask his own offspring.
And another thing that bugs me is that he'll often leave asking me until the end of Saturday or even sometimes the crack of dawn on Sunday so I can't even relax. And I can't text him to check because that's giving the impression that I'm offering!

Thing is that they can't see that church is important to him so I think they're more of the opinion (or that's the impression that Alf's given me) that if he can't get a lift from me it's fine for him to stay home and miss it.

Then it's up to him to let his sons know that it is important to him.

How are these lifts arranged? Does he call/ message every week to ask? If so then I would respond something like, "I'll be able to give you a lift this Sunday but after this week I wont be able to continue the arrangement."

It's not your responsibility to imagine up alternatives for him when he has two perfectly capable sons to either drive him there themselves or assist him in sorting something else and I think you're tying yourself in knots over it for no reason.

It's hard but the best thing to do is politely, but briefly decline without giving excuses or offering any room for discussion.

Riverlee · 21/02/2024 21:52

I get where you are coming from. Apart from my dc, I hate giving lifts to people.

snoopyfanaccountant · 21/02/2024 21:55

OP, please put your own needs first (and I say that as someone who is in church every Sunday and gives up Saturday nights to take young people to what DD1 described as "Christian raves" - lively worship and lots of young people loving worshipping their saviour).
MIL is a doormat who runs church people to church and hospital visits miles away, to the extent that the only time that both she and DH were free to see one another was on the only day that both he and I don't work (guess who didn't get time with him?). Her church has a rota of drivers to help those unable to walk/drive themselves to church but she has regulars who aren't part of that rota and it is very tying.

Newestname002 · 21/02/2024 23:35

@myotherhalfisatriffid

And now I've been summoned to provide supper for a cat who cannot possibly wait another second so I shall come back to this tomorrow. Thanks all.

They are all, especially his sons, taking the Micky. You need to get your time and mental energy back. If you don't want to say anything to him in person maybe write him a letter saying you really are unable to provide this level of help any more, that you are going to step back entirely and would he please ask his sons to share what you (a non-relative) have been doing on your own. 🌹

MassageForLife · 22/02/2024 04:49

I know this might not be an ideal solution long term, especially because you'll miss the social aspect - but have you thought about watching services that are streamed online? One of my local churches does that every Sunday, I believe. It started with COVID, but my understanding is that they have continued it for people that, for whatever reason, can't make the service.

It might be a good compromise. You will be in control of the volume so music might be less of an issue, it would hopefully satisfy your 'Catholic guilt' and you might not find it as stressful as an in-person service. With the bonus that, as you are not attending your local church, you can't be expected to offer a lift.

MassageForLife · 22/02/2024 04:52

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 21/02/2024 21:42

We should be trying to help those in the community.

And in order to be able to do that, we need to look after ourselves first.

Op has been helping her neighbour, but she can't continue doing that if it takes a toll on her own mental health.

Tashface · 22/02/2024 06:04

Could you possibly not go to church for a couple of weeks, to see whether Alf makes alternative plans, ie, gets his son to take him?

If Alf did then ask you to take him again, but you definitely wanted to tell him no, you would be able to point out that he does have an alternative method of transport.

RawBloomers · 22/02/2024 06:13

First, I would suggest a call to social services, or a word with you Vicar about Alf potentially being abused by his sons.

On the lift front, if church is important to you, presumably acting in a Christian manner is important too?

So is it not important to you to try and find a way to come up with a routine that suits you and gets Alf to church too?

I don’t really understand why your Autism puts this totally off the table. Surely all sorts of things change over time and while you find it harder to adapt because of your Autism, nevertheless you do so.

MissTrip82 · 22/02/2024 06:19

We used to be on a roster to take elderly people who couldn’t drive to church, it’s a pretty normal part of being a church community. Is there an organising type of person you’d feel comfortable approaching? At the average church there will be plenty of people willing and able to take a turn to help, they just need to know there’s an issue.

Sunseed · 22/02/2024 06:27

If the vicar is unapproachable, is there a church warden you could speak to about this instead?

Newestname002 · 22/02/2024 07:50

With the bonus that, as you are not attending your local church, you can't be expected to offer a lift.

Attending the streamed service is a good idea, if that's available. Just be careful not to mention that to your neighbour or his sons, otherwise you'll find him at your house every week to participate. 🌹

crazyBadger · 22/02/2024 08:10

I won't be able to take you to church anymore as I have an ongoing Appointment after church....

( The appointment is with a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake at home)

You may have to remind him a few times, even suggests he speaks to the vicar to ask if anyone else could do pick up /drop offs, then if he asks again you direct back to the vicar it is not your problem to solve.

BestieNo1 · 22/02/2024 08:48

Isn't there a 🚩flag or two about his wellbeing and sons?

I would worry about that.

have a word with son he lives with and Suss him out. He's living with his dad rent free but wont give him a lift. What else doesn't he do when his dad needs support?
what about the "5 mins away" son? He needs to contribute and know that his dad needs help.
sort the transport issue so he has some semi-independence. The car needs to be sold and money given to the man as its his after all.

His sons need to wake up and help!!

Or are they neglecting him and he has cone to you. Do the Christan thing. Good luck xx

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/02/2024 08:52

Could you change service? At my local church the early Sunday service has no hymns.

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