It's a lift one

[myotherhalfisatriffid]

I live round the corner from a nice old chap (we'll call him Alf just because it sounds pleasant) and we both go to the same church service each week. He used to drive himself and I drive myself. Only problem is that now his sons have taken the car keys off him as his driving was getting a bit dodgy. Now that's fair enough but they haven't bothered to sort a solution to Alf's need to get to places, not just church but the shops, medical appointments etc. Basically his whole life.
Previously I'd give Alf a lift to church on the odd occasion when the car was in the garage, and I'd always said that I was happy to pick him up (and take him home) 'in an emergency'. And I was specific about the emergency part. But now, as he's not able to use his car, he asks me for a lift every week.
I'm mega struggling with this because I'm autistic and I find church (and everything else) really stressful. I have my (really rather rigid) routine which works for me and helps me to keep the anxiety fairly in check. Things like getting there at the same time (almost to the minute) each week, parking in the same place, having music on to sing along to etc. And as I find people hard work I'm not great at too much conversation - Alf is particularly difficult as he's quite deaf and has a totally different conversation to the one I'm having, not the easiest when you're also trying to drive. Alf can't walk from where I park - we have to park in the church car park which I hate. And he's never ready on time and moves really slowly (yes I know he's old and can't help it but it impacts my routine even more). And he does like his chat so I can't even have my music on.
I know that most people would say 'what's the problem, he's not out of your way and it's the Christian thing to do' and yes that's all true but it doesn't stop it from being a massive problem to me. To the extent that I'm thinking about quitting church.
What makes it more annoying is that one son lives 5 mins away and the other one actually lives with Alf & is now using his car. And isn't giving Alf a penny towards bills for house or car. So he has a lift literally on his doorstep but rather than asking his children he'll ask me. And I don't want to. I was happy to do an emergency lift but every week is not an emergency. And I'm really struggling.
Am I being unreasonable (given my autism and all) and how do I get out of it without hurting Alf's feelings (as he's a lovely bloke) or being person non grata at church?

I think you're being a little bit mean and slightly anal about needing to get there at the exact same minute every week. I understand you're autistic and I'm conscious of that, but as an Autistic adult myself i know that things like that are generally an unrealistic expectation of yourself.
Would it really be that catastrophic, as an adult, to stretch the 'arriving at the very same minute' aspect, temporarily, to help an essentially 'stranded' elderly & vulnerable man? Obviously it's your choice, Autistic or not! But you did come here asking for opinions.

I have a DC with Autism who recently, once per week has found herself having no choice but to overcome her usual rigid daily after-school routine. It's ended up giving her a small but valuable insight in how to try compromise & cope in a generally neurotypical world. As a result she now chooses to push her own boundaries with regards some of her Autism quirks/routines and I'd say 8 times out of 10 she ends up glad she did it.

I agree with the honesty approach. Explain how stressful you find church/social situations and that your strict routine is the only thing that's keeping you able to go and unfortunately it's not compatible with giving him a lift. Make the suggestion that he can afford the taxis once he sells HIS car (I know you have, but suggest it again).

If you can't bear that, how about walking/cycling to church all spring and summer. In autumn you can go back to driving and hopefully Alf will have another solution by then. If too far to walk/bike, you could get a bus part way and walk the rest? Saying you are trying to be healthier/ save the planet would not be a lie so long as you do actually care about these things.

Going behind this poor man's back to find someone else to take him, rather than simply having a brief chat about it not being convenient, is a very underhanded way of going about it, isn't it?

No. Its totally normal. A brief chat won't help him much, a regular lift will!

Sorry no, I can't manage it because of my autism

As an Autistic person myself, PLEASE don't say this! Just say I'm sorry but it's not convenient for me anymore which isn't a lie. Please don't use Autism as a get out of jail free card.

@TotHappy But OP has already stated that the Vicar is not interested!

@NoOrdinaryMorning But it's not temporarily, that's the problem. It's for the rest of time until either he pops his clogs or I have a nervous breakdown / move house. He has other options, namely his 2 sons. But he doesn't want to ask them for reasons unknown. And he can't afford a taxi (or won't). If it was just a few lifts then I would cope, but it's week after week after week. And I'm a perimenopausal autistic women who is struggling to cope with life generally. I've struggled through years of compromise and coping, and strangely enough no-one seems all that bothered about making anything easier for me. The so-called compromise is strictly one way. I can't even get a bit of compromise at church once in a blue moon.

Honestly,

this, along with the nearly having a panic attack at the church, it sounds like this meeting isn't suitable for you. Look at all the problems it's causing you...

But it is my autism that's making it so difficult. If I didn't have autism then I wouldn't find church difficult and I'd be able to offer lifts right left and central. 🙁

Could you maybe look at either an online church or perhaps a different church of the same denomination? From how you describe them, these lot don't sound very Christian

But if I don't go to church at all then I don't leave the house. And the only conversation I get is with my mother or the Amazon delivery driver.

I live almost exactly the same life as you except with DC - I don't know if you have DC or not. My DH is no longer with us and I have no friends due to health issues <also a perimenopausal autistic woman> and only speak to my DM and randomers. I know the feeling. But honestly, having nobody around you is better than having unsupportive people around you. I learnt that one the excruciatingly hard way, sadly

Have to agree.

The vicar has two members of his congregation who need support in this one regard and he's not interested.

This

Some of us are "she"...

I think my answer might be a little different depending on the role that faith plays in all of this.
If everyone is looking for a social occasion then being fairly clear that you find driving others stressful and don't want to do it is perfectly reasonable.
If it is important for your faith and for his to do this activity then I would challenge your discomfort more so that you can through service support this. To me that seems the more faith led decision. (They usually seem to be annoying decisions that involve doing things you don't much want to for the good of others!)

@myotherhalfisatriffid I am not autistic but would find it difficult to offer a weekly lift to church for other reasons.

It seems like he doesn't want to make himself uncomfortable by asking his son for money or to sell the car, but he is ok about making you uncomfortable.

Why should his needs trump yours? He is an adult and can find another solution for himself.

It can be very freeing to start to say no to people.

I would be tempted to say that you have other commitments you have to manage around church so can’t really offer any more lifts.

Alf doesn’t need to know those commitments are to your own needs and routine. I wouldn’t even explain, he has no right to expect any explanation from you.

If he is persistent just ask him if he has asked anyone else to help as you can’t. You hope that he gets something sorted out. (Repeat as needed)

Poor Alf. I feel for him. He won't understand your autism and will just feel sad.

We offered our neighbours to use our driveway occasionally when they had builders in but then it became an everyday thing. So we just said it was ok occasionally as agreed, but not everyday .So I would pre empt and phone or pop in to see Alf before Sunday and say I really don't mind occasionally giving you a lift but I find it stressful parking in the carpark so can't do it more than once a month. Do come back and let us know how you get on

It's very kind of you to give him a lift but now it's causing you anxiety, so you need to stop. Be kind to yourself!
Tell him that you won't be able to give him lifts anymore because you have another commitment elsewhere directly afterwards and also don't want to go every week.
I'd also look for another church as yours doesn't sound very Christian/helpful.

Also, as an add on to the Autism comments. Why do people feel they can't say it out loud, use it as an explanation? It's perfectly valid. Just like any other condition, if it affects you in any way, why wouldn't you just state that.

Good point, well made.

So in this case it's maybe a lady vicar who doesn't look out for the needs of everyone in her parish.

I feel for Alf too but I'm bothered about my mental health and my physical health. My blood pressure is high and I can't get it down, and I have so many physical symptoms that I'm worried about the long term effect on my health. I was sat in my pew with chest pains the other week - pains that disappeared as soon as I got home and told myself I was going to have a couple of weeks off.
It is important to my faith, and to his. And I feel guilty (ex Catholic - the guilt is strong with this one padwan) but....

Would other people at church be prepared to take turns and share lifts?

It is a male vicar. Not a very Christian one. And I probably could do with a better church. Actually make that I could definitely do with a better church, one that puts God / Jesus front & centre, and that actively cares about others. But that in itself is hard - partly from the finding it difficult to go new places and partly because so few churches round here have services without music and I'm finding noise a bigger and bigger issue. Even my hair dryer is way too loud now!