My wages and maintenance

[ZebraGiraffe12]

I need some advice. I have 2 children myself with my husband aged 1 and 4. I also have a stepson who is 11.

My husband and I met as we both work at the same company. We both earnt £48,000 a year equalling £96,000 between us. Stepson stays 3 nights a week Thursday to Sunday every week and we have always paid maintenance of £325 a month. This is over what we need to pay but we looked at what we could afford as a family. We both work full time from home but our jobs do include a bit of travelling, both our parents help when this is the case. This means we have no extra childcare costs.

Whilst I was on maternity leave both my husband and I went for the same promotion at work. This promotion came with a large salary increase and a company car to £94,000. This brought household income to £142,000 a year. My stepson heard us talking about it when he was supposed to be asleep and he excitedly told his mum that I'd got a new job when she picked him up at the weekend. It was not done in a malicious way he was excited as we had talked about going on a big holiday in the summer as a congratulations to me and to celebrate.

My partners ex when she got home sent a message asking what my new wage would be so she could recalculate maintenance. She has said its unfair for her son to miss out on family money. Am I being unreasonable to say no? We already pay her really well, and go above and beyond with my stepson as we are the only ones who take him on holiday and have him every weekend. We also pay for his swimming lessons and his boxing classes which he attends when he is at his mums. She has also told us that she can't get a job as she would have to pay for childcare as she wouldn't be able to get a stay at home job like us.

You don’t need to say a bloomin thing

Your DP however needs to send a laughing emoji in response to the text

Just reply stating that your husbands wage has not changed, therefore neither will maintenance.
He is 11, you have him 3 nights a week, there is no reason why she can't work while he is at school, and from September he will be in secondary, so potentially she had more time. You don't need to subsidise her.
I manage to work with my ex having 0 overnights and with a disabled child meaning childcare isn't an option.

I think the child maintenance should only be calculated from your husbands wages!

You are not obliged to help pay for things. Even though you already do and that’s nice of you but she needs to appreciate that and not expect more of you

Your wage is none of her business.

maintenance is calculated on his dads wage only.

He has two parents who should be supporting him. One of them is not you.

don’t tell her. If she thinks she’s right she will need to go through CMS.

Your stepson will benefit from the increase when he’s with you already though, which sounds like not far off 50% of the time. So a reply along the lines of “DH’s salary is unchanged and therefore maintenance (which already exceeds the CMS suggestion) is also unchanged” should suffice.

It’s non of her business. No reason why she can’t work, if she wants more money she needs to earn it herself.

On his salary CMS would be £234 a month you already pay more than £100 in addition to this plus his extra curricular activities. He will benefit from your additional income in that when he is with you her is trashed exactly the same as your other children, in terms of holidays, days out etc.

Not her business.

Don't tell her.

None of her bloody business, tell her that! And if she doesn't like it, go through CMS. She'll soon pipe down given that you're paying over.

DH sends her a link to the CMS Calculator online and kindly lets her know that he's happy to go through their collection services if she's not happy with the current arrangement. And leave it at that.

Usually I err on the side of “the dad should pay more than than the CMS calculator” just because that calculator is a joke compared to the actual cost of raising kids - but you do AND you already have DSS 3 nights a week so she can work!

DSS will benefit regularly from your income as he is with you loads and that’s enough. This isn’t a case of EOW and the dad not paying up!

Yeah this isn’t a ‘we’ situation or a ‘you’ situation. Maintenance is for your husband to sort out. I’d laugh her arse out the door if my husbands ex tried to get her sticky fingers on any of my money!

Congratulations on your new job! Presumably DP doesn’t think you should be on the hook to his ex so he’ll just reply saying his income hasn’t changed so maintenance level won’t either.

There’s been another huge thread about this. Obviously it’s not your job to pay her maintenance so well done on the promotion but it changes nothing and nor should it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5011120-payrise-and-maintenance

Step son is not missing out on ‘family money’. Neither of his parents income has changed. A message about how ridiculous she is being will suffice.

Your wage isn’t anything to do with maintenance. It’s calculated on his wage.

That said, if I were the paying party (ie your DH) I’d look at what is needed for my son rather than “oh the calculator says” as long as I was still paying more than the calculator says - the amount of maintenance it comes out with is incredibly low.

He does have his son 3 days a week, which is nearly 50:50, so as long as he’s paying for a proportionate amount of the costs of his upkeep including hobbies etc then it sounds fair.

I’d stop using “us” and “we” when talking about maintenance etc as this is clouding the picture - it’s your husband who is responsible for this and not you as a couple. “We pay her well” is patronising though- you don’t, your husband is contributing to the costs of his son.

Thank you for everyone's messages. I think I just feel bad because I see him as my family. He tells people I am his second mum and calls me mum as well. I have being in his life for 10 years now so a very long time. I want him to have everything my own children have. In terms of saying we this is because all our money is shared. Any money that comes out of our joint account is discussed and the amount we pay her was a discussion between the two of us. We are a partnership and his son is my family as well. We agreed when we first became serious that we would always be a we and his son would always be our son.

Only your dh wages would/should be taken into account.

in what way is she claiming she cannot work? She is free during school hours and also every weekend (if she does not have other kids)

You are not there to provide for her lifestyle just her kid, which his fathers is paying for.

as long as your husband doesn’t do something like reduce his hours now that you are earning more, his maintenance payments should be based on his salary

i do think co-parents should split the cost of work-related childcare on top of maintenance regardless of when it is incurred. It’s too large of an expense to be adequately covered by maintenance.

You're already overpaying CMS levels, spending extra on clubs, having him nearly 50% of the time - and his mum doesn't work? But now wants to recalculate maintenance? Tell her to recalculate it if she wants, on DHs wage alone, and at CMS levels.

She's taking you all for a bit of a ride 😂

As others have said - your wage is nothing to do with the maintenance. So you’re correct.
I think it depends on your relative financial positions. If ex wife is struggling, and expected to pay for most stuff, including clothes, activities, tech, trips, uniform etc then that money won’t go far.

You may think you’re being generous contributing more than the CMS would mandate, but everyone knows those thresholds are a joke. Paying less than £4k a year from a household income of £142k doesn’t seem right (morally).

You sound like the step mum I wish my children had. I get where you're coming from but unless you're going to share your income between you, DH and his ex wife, and split it equally between both households, things aren't going to be the same. You sound like you're doing a great job of making him feel like he belongs and that is the most important thing. He will see that you're doing your best to make things equal, and that will matter to him.

She messaged you?

"Dh salary has not changed, so his child maintenance payments do not need to change. Thanks"