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Original poster

My wages and maintenance

97 replies

ZebraGiraffe12 · 21/02/2024 08:41

I need some advice. I have 2 children myself with my husband aged 1 and 4. I also have a stepson who is 11.

My husband and I met as we both work at the same company. We both earnt £48,000 a year equalling £96,000 between us. Stepson stays 3 nights a week Thursday to Sunday every week and we have always paid maintenance of £325 a month. This is over what we need to pay but we looked at what we could afford as a family. We both work full time from home but our jobs do include a bit of travelling, both our parents help when this is the case. This means we have no extra childcare costs.

Whilst I was on maternity leave both my husband and I went for the same promotion at work. This promotion came with a large salary increase and a company car to £94,000. This brought household income to £142,000 a year. My stepson heard us talking about it when he was supposed to be asleep and he excitedly told his mum that I'd got a new job when she picked him up at the weekend. It was not done in a malicious way he was excited as we had talked about going on a big holiday in the summer as a congratulations to me and to celebrate.

My partners ex when she got home sent a message asking what my new wage would be so she could recalculate maintenance. She has said its unfair for her son to miss out on family money. Am I being unreasonable to say no? We already pay her really well, and go above and beyond with my stepson as we are the only ones who take him on holiday and have him every weekend. We also pay for his swimming lessons and his boxing classes which he attends when he is at his mums. She has also told us that she can't get a job as she would have to pay for childcare as she wouldn't be able to get a stay at home job like us.

OP posts:
MrsPositivity1 · 21/02/2024 13:55

Sounds like she wants you to subsidise her additional 2 children 🙄

LoveSkaMusic · 21/02/2024 14:11

I would message back to say DH's salary hasn't changed, however I'm happy to recalculate. The recommended amount of maintenance is £150 less than you're receiving now.

AffIt · 21/02/2024 14:18

If you're feeling particularly benevolent, you could send her some information on how to pursue the father of her other two children for maintenance, but personally I'd tell her to jog on.

Congrats on the new job!

Yogatoga1 · 21/02/2024 14:20

LewishamMumNow · 21/02/2024 13:48

It might be unfair, but household income is taken into account when calculating what is due. That said, you seem to be very generous as it is, and I can't help think the money you are paying over is maybe being used to support the two other younger children. What financial support do they get from their own Dad? What is the money you are paying being used for? It just looks like she wants a cross subsidy for her younger kids - I can't believe she's buying him nice food and clothes and ignoring her others.
You sound like a brilliant step mum :).
Her reasons for not working are pathetic. Part time work is so easy to pick up at the moment.

No, household income is not taken into account in CMS calculations.

the only income taken into account is that of the non resident parent. Parent. Not step parent, not grandparents, only the child’s mum or dad.

in the UK the child’s two parents have a financial responsibility, no one else.

i also agree with pp who said she needs to be looking forward 7 years. If the other two children are a lot younger once she stops getting maintenance for her eldest she could be in real financial trouble. Better for her now to start being more financially independent than it being a shock in future.

Coconutter24 · 21/02/2024 14:21

Why can’t your DSS mum get a weekend job thurs-sun? I wouldn’t tell her your new salary that is absolutely nothing to do with her. You are right to see him as family as that’s what he is but that’s doesn’t mean you have to support the mother. DSS gets a maintenance paid to his mum and then you and DH provide for him whilst he is at yours, you also pay for 2 activities whilst he’s with his mum. If she wants more for him the she needs to get a job. Child maintenance is only calculated on the parents salary so yours doesn’t even come into question

Yogatoga1 · 21/02/2024 14:24

Tbf as well if stepson stays with o/p thurs-sun, that’s nearly 50% and there won’t be much maintenance due at all.

extra nights in the holidays to make it 50:50 and no maintenance due.

i bet if o/p suggests it though suddenly access with reduce…

ZebraD · 21/02/2024 14:29

Your wages are nothing to do with it and she has a cheek to ask when it was your promotion.
if he stay 3 x week and you have 2 children of your own based on 48k a year, should be paying just under 300.

direct her to the government calculator and ask her if she still wants it reviewing.

honeylulu · 21/02/2024 14:39

You are quite right.

Your updates explain, as other posters have said, that the real issue is likely to be that she is hard up because she has to spread the maintenance for your stepson to subsidise her two younger children as their feckless father pays nothing. That must be tough but it's not your fault or your husband's.

May I add that the way you describe the relationship between you and your stepson is so lovely. I'm not a softy but I felt a bit happy-tearful reading it!

Anameisaname · 21/02/2024 14:43

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 21/02/2024 11:19

Sounds like you and your DH are an excellent team!

The ex really needs to think about what she's going to do when her 11 year old is an adult and your DH doesn't have to pay maintenance any more!

This !

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/02/2024 14:47

LewishamMumNow · 21/02/2024 13:48

It might be unfair, but household income is taken into account when calculating what is due. That said, you seem to be very generous as it is, and I can't help think the money you are paying over is maybe being used to support the two other younger children. What financial support do they get from their own Dad? What is the money you are paying being used for? It just looks like she wants a cross subsidy for her younger kids - I can't believe she's buying him nice food and clothes and ignoring her others.
You sound like a brilliant step mum :).
Her reasons for not working are pathetic. Part time work is so easy to pick up at the moment.

CMS do not use household income.

Only the income of the NRP is taken into account. The Op’s income is irrelevant

cadburyegg · 21/02/2024 15:02

CMS based on a salary of £48k and having a child 2/3 nights a week is £293 a month, so I wouldn't say you are "paying her well", but you are contributing to costs fairly. I think that amount is low tbh considering you are comfortably well off but if you are contributing to uniforms and other things then it probably evens out.

But your income is irrelevant.

pokebowls · 21/02/2024 16:08

If she ever pushes back suggest she guess through CMS. The total will be lower than you currently pay. Hopefully that will shut her up

Original poster
ZebraGiraffe12 · 21/02/2024 16:28

The amount she should be receiving after pension on 3 days or more but not half the time is £223.13 so we pay over that nicely after taking into account our own bills before my payrise. She has tried to reduce contact in the past. Saying we would lose a day, when I first went on maternity leave we said we would be reducing by £50 a month to accommodate my slight reduction in wages but it would go up again once I returned. She said that we would go to Friday to Sunday instead. She dropped him off when he kicked off saying he wants to be with his dad as its dad's day. Lasted all of an hour. She doesn't like having the kids on weekends so know she would never have him then. Her other 2 kids spend Friday and Saturday nights at their grandparents. I wouldn't ever say horrible things as we all do different things to relax. I like to have a nice long bubble bath and lock the door.

OP posts:
wontforget · 21/02/2024 16:44

@LewishamMumNow what would possess you to post a thread on an issue you very clearly have squat-all knowledge about? 😐

wontforget · 21/02/2024 16:45

do you have any children before DH?

chiwwy · 21/02/2024 16:49

Don’t pay her a penny more.

And if she won’t shut up then DH should tell her it’s best she goes via CMS and gets £221.

ZebraD · 21/02/2024 17:06

cadburyegg · 21/02/2024 15:02

CMS based on a salary of £48k and having a child 2/3 nights a week is £293 a month, so I wouldn't say you are "paying her well", but you are contributing to costs fairly. I think that amount is low tbh considering you are comfortably well off but if you are contributing to uniforms and other things then it probably evens out.

But your income is irrelevant.

You are contradicting saying they pay fairly but then say it’s low.
its not low. It’s what should be paid. You are making a judgement because she earns such a large amount bringing the family income to a nice tidy sum but that is completely irrelevant.

wontforget · 21/02/2024 17:08

cadburyegg · 21/02/2024 15:02

CMS based on a salary of £48k and having a child 2/3 nights a week is £293 a month, so I wouldn't say you are "paying her well", but you are contributing to costs fairly. I think that amount is low tbh considering you are comfortably well off but if you are contributing to uniforms and other things then it probably evens out.

But your income is irrelevant.

MY money is not being channeled to another woman and assisting her in parenting children that aren’t MINE

My money is exclusively for MY children.

dammit88 · 21/02/2024 17:16

ZebraGiraffe12 · 21/02/2024 16:28

The amount she should be receiving after pension on 3 days or more but not half the time is £223.13 so we pay over that nicely after taking into account our own bills before my payrise. She has tried to reduce contact in the past. Saying we would lose a day, when I first went on maternity leave we said we would be reducing by £50 a month to accommodate my slight reduction in wages but it would go up again once I returned. She said that we would go to Friday to Sunday instead. She dropped him off when he kicked off saying he wants to be with his dad as its dad's day. Lasted all of an hour. She doesn't like having the kids on weekends so know she would never have him then. Her other 2 kids spend Friday and Saturday nights at their grandparents. I wouldn't ever say horrible things as we all do different things to relax. I like to have a nice long bubble bath and lock the door.

Edited

So you reduced what your paid her when "your" salary reduced, but your husbands didn't, but you don't want to increased it when "your" salary increases but your husbands doesn't?

You lost me there.

Before that I was kind of on your side (though the amount paid from total household income is shocking!)

cadburyegg · 21/02/2024 17:22

I did say the wife's income is irrelevant.

Sorry I was being contradictory. I'll reword. CMS is the bare minimum by law and the OP's husband is paying a bit more than that. The OP did say that THEY decided on this amount. It's hard for us to say whether or not he should be paying more because it depends on what else he contributes. If he is splitting costs 50/50 (for example) clothes, uniform, activities etc then he's being very reasonable. If he's buying the odd jumper for his son now and again then maybe not. Based on what OP said it sounds like it's more the former.

cadburyegg · 21/02/2024 17:26

when I first went on maternity leave we said we would be reducing by £50 a month to accommodate my slight reduction in wages but it would go up again once I returned.

Just seen this. You were BU to say and do this in the first place. This has set a precedent.

You can't expect her to accept a reduction based on your wages decreasing, but then be surprised when she requests more when your wages increase.

Testina · 21/02/2024 17:35

when I first went on maternity leave we said we would be reducing by £50 a month to accommodate my slight reduction in wages but it would go up again once I returned.

Well I think the least you should do is repay the missed £50x however many months, plus interest.
That was taking the piss.

Of course she’s owed nothing from your pay rise - but you’re the one that first told her that your income was relevant. Dick move.

Chocolatebuttonns · 21/02/2024 17:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Chocolatebuttonns · 21/02/2024 17:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

FizzyWizzyBubbles · 21/02/2024 17:50

Reply. My wages are nothing to do with cms.
We support dss 3 nights a week And the amount you receive is already above the calculated amount.

Over my dead body would my wages get calculated into the cms dh pays! He pays enough, support dsc here, pays extras.
I regularly treat dsc, clothes trips etc. But my choice. Not because the ex wants or asks