My wages and maintenance

[ZebraGiraffe12]

I need some advice. I have 2 children myself with my husband aged 1 and 4. I also have a stepson who is 11.

My husband and I met as we both work at the same company. We both earnt £48,000 a year equalling £96,000 between us. Stepson stays 3 nights a week Thursday to Sunday every week and we have always paid maintenance of £325 a month. This is over what we need to pay but we looked at what we could afford as a family. We both work full time from home but our jobs do include a bit of travelling, both our parents help when this is the case. This means we have no extra childcare costs.

Whilst I was on maternity leave both my husband and I went for the same promotion at work. This promotion came with a large salary increase and a company car to £94,000. This brought household income to £142,000 a year. My stepson heard us talking about it when he was supposed to be asleep and he excitedly told his mum that I'd got a new job when she picked him up at the weekend. It was not done in a malicious way he was excited as we had talked about going on a big holiday in the summer as a congratulations to me and to celebrate.

My partners ex when she got home sent a message asking what my new wage would be so she could recalculate maintenance. She has said its unfair for her son to miss out on family money. Am I being unreasonable to say no? We already pay her really well, and go above and beyond with my stepson as we are the only ones who take him on holiday and have him every weekend. We also pay for his swimming lessons and his boxing classes which he attends when he is at his mums. She has also told us that she can't get a job as she would have to pay for childcare as she wouldn't be able to get a stay at home job like us.

Yanbu
It's quite right that the amount given is higher than the cms minimum as the cms formula is really stingey. However the amount should be based on DHs earnings and financial responsibilities. Not yours. The maintenance should only go up if DHs salary goes up

He will have everything your children have. It sounds as though he has the same extra curricular opportunities, will go on the same holidays and will no doubt receive the same support as your shared children, for university and other costs over the years. It is the ex that won’t have the same lifestyle and why would she-she doesn’t have a household income of over 140k per year. Thats just to be expected.

I work 3 long days when my kids are with ex. He doesn’t pay maintenance. I think technically he should if went by calculator but he pays his share of clothes/ goes on holiday with them so it feels fair. I work school hours on another two days. I’d personally get dh to tell her no.

No you don’t need to pay more, your DHs salary hasn’t changed. Why can’t she work seeing as he is 11 so presumably in school. Either school hours or cheap wraparound care.

I believe also you need to tell her that your salary is nothing to do with your dh maintenance, it’s good that you both a joint account and it’s family money however there needs to be exceptions and this is a big one.

I swear there's been a thread on this exact topic every day this week, weird.

There are a lot of people who think their ex’s new partner owes them money. Which is weird.

If you have him every week from Thursday to Sunday then she absolutely can work without using childcare, albeit part time. Anyway, he’s getting older now, so unless he’s got any SEN he will very soon not even need childcare. She absolutely should be seeking employment or she’s going to be fucked one day. But that’s very much a her problem.

Congratulations on your promotion OP. Let your husband deal with her. If I was him, I’d suggest to the ex she goes through the official channels if she’s really not happy with the current amount of child support and he will just pay that. Which is less than what she currently gets. Because CMS (quite rightly) doesn’t take into account how much the non resident spouse earns.

Your salary is none of her business.

Absolutely treat him equally, that is utterly important. But that means things like all going on holiday together, him getting the same value of Christmas presents as his siblings, having his own bedroom at your house, not missing out on clubs or music lessons or saving for the future. You treat him as an equal part of your family.

I do think everyone should pay more than the CMS calculator because it’s so low. But as long as the paying parent isn’t artificially reducing their income (eg if your DH now went part time to reduce maintenance payments because you earn more), new partners’ money should not be part of the calculation.

I think this is an interesting point.

He needs to send her the best laughing emoji /gif he can find .. And ignore. Dss does benefit from your wages in your home. Suggest if she wants him to benefit more he can live there full time with you...

Your wages, legally, are irrelevant in child maintenance calculations. Just reply "DHs wages have not changed so no change in CMS required."

Also, you have him nearly 50% so you are paying child maintenance on 1 day a week. She's being grabby af.

DSS will benefit from your increased wages while he's at your house, the only person not benefitting, is her.

Thank you again everyone for your messages. His ex only messages me as she refuses to message him saying he's horrible (he isn't, he is the softest person in the world she just has a grudge still)

She says she can't work because she has two younger children but her other ex pays nothing. When I met my husband he was working in a low level job in our company. I encouraged him to get a degree and get a promotion to where he is now. I think she hates that he's made something of his life now. They were only 22 when they broke up. She previously told me it's unfair that her son goes on holiday and not the other two children.

My DH has spoken with her this morning and told her she is ridiculous. Explained all about how maintenance works and told her what he could give her instead. She has backed down now luckily despite trying to barter for extra things we could pay for. He went through our statements for the last 2 months to tell her everything he has provided for outside of maintenance. Including trips, hobbies, uniform and a new playstation at her house as his broke.

I take it she claims tax credits if she's not working as the reason she gives for not working is only due to child care costs. Unfortunately for her, everyone is being moved from tax credits to uc, so very soon she will be hounded to get a job, with earnings in the 900 pm mark so she will have no choice

She seems to have a pretty fair arrangement ATM! She will have to look for her own job now .If stepson is 10 she hasnt got forever !

Your wage should not be taken in to consideration at all. Go to child maintenance and pay what they say, this will be less.

Sounds like you and your DH are an excellent team!

The ex really needs to think about what she's going to do when her 11 year old is an adult and your DH doesn't have to pay maintenance any more!

She's in an unfortunate position but she can't expect you or your DP to make up for her other ex being a deadbeat Dad.

This.
Your dh is not obliged to make up for the shortcomings of her ex. The other 2 are not his children and by unless she is
is ringfencing his maintenance for the one child they share, effectively she is asking you (not her ex) to subsidise her other 2 children, and improve their lifestyle.

If you feel like you could do more for your stepson, you can contribute to future savings that his dad saves for him. (Not that you need to obv). If you send it to his mother it will go on her other two kids.

In those circumstances I would call her bluff, get your dh to suggest that if she's struggling to work with ds he's welcome to stay at your house more.

What a cheeky bugger! Id maybe bung her £100 extra on top of what your paying but jeez dont tell her your wage

It might be unfair, but household income is taken into account when calculating what is due. That said, you seem to be very generous as it is, and I can't help think the money you are paying over is maybe being used to support the two other younger children. What financial support do they get from their own Dad? What is the money you are paying being used for? It just looks like she wants a cross subsidy for her younger kids - I can't believe she's buying him nice food and clothes and ignoring her others.
You sound like a brilliant step mum :).
Her reasons for not working are pathetic. Part time work is so easy to pick up at the moment.

why?

my money going towards my husband’s ex when that money could be going towards my children?

unfathomable