To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

This.

is it normal to snatch? Yes.

is it then your job as parent to teach not to snatch? Also yes.

I also agree with this. An awful lot of adults only don’t commit crime because of the punishments/implications; not because of their conscience.

I think it's pathetic parenting to be honest. Especially the tooth brushing thing! That's absolutely ridiculous! I don't think you're wrong or being unreasonable about this at all.

I think they’re mental. But I also perversely enjoy watching them make their lives so hard.

@Oneofthesurvivors

Oh come on now! 🙄😂

I usually ask twice then physically remove item from my child.

I have taken sticks etc off these kids when mine were small. The beat idea is to avoid these families.

I wonder if some people who parent permissively while calling it gentle parenting genuinely do believe that it's cruel or bad parenting to set boundaries or for their children to become upset rather than because they can't be bothered. That's the problem with these groups, things just get more extreme in a way that isn't helpful.

I'd not heard of gentle parenting but it sounds like a load of woke shite. It might be gentle but parenting it ain't.
This is why we have 20 year old who need trigger warnings in books or who get upset over jokes

Thats why i said the ideas have to be age appropriate.

In the example the parent just vaguely said 'sticks were for looking at' from a distance. Which is pretty useless.

If she had gone up to the child, at its level and said 'give me the stick' it would have been much clearer what she wanted and according to the theory her connection with the child should have been all that was needed to enforce the boundary. If she had added 'because it will hurt' the child might have learned why or that might not be needed at this early stage.

The non gentle version to get the stick is shouting from a distance drop the stick or i will .... Which some people find effective.

To be clear i am trying to explain my understanding of gentle parenting, not advocating it as a life philsophy as i dont personnally think one theory works for all eventualities at all ages.

I remember being on a beach and this little kid picked up a rock and lifted it up in an attempt to throw it at another kid .... his dad jumped in with the longest conversation in fecking history. "Now please put that down darling, it might hurt someone, do the right thing darling, I know you will, I know you don't intentionally wish to hurt somebody", it literally went on and on. People were putting their books down to observe the shit show. Just take the bloody rock off him you twat.

I once intervened when a toddler (in my family) was playing with a kitchen utensil that had a small blade attached to it. When I said "Oh no be careful of the blade" and removed the utensil from the child, both the child and parents got quite upset with me.

Parents actually said "We don't shout at our child "

I might have yelped a bit in fear that the child was going to mangle their hand to smithereens, but yeah, next time I will actually just let that happen.

I was also told a toddler didn't have tantrums and was just communicating. OK mate.

Never a day goes by on here at the moment without gentle parenting complaints. It isn’t for me personally but I do prefer it to shouting, smacking, draconian sort of parenting I must say.

"And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent."

Your last sentence sums it up. It's not gentle parenting. It's unparenting. As others have pointed out, actual gentle parenting is the normal, shame-free, harm-free child-aware parenting that most parents strive for, but some people had to put a fancy name on it and it got co-opted by people who just don't want to actually parent.

This. Children thrive on structure.

One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

This is simply neglectful. I wonder if she'll change her tune when her toddler needs his rotting teeth extracted under general anaesthetic?

It drives me absolutely nuts. Kids need firm boundaries. They don't thrive if they are made to be the boss. My colleagues and I are left to pick up the pieces in the secondary school classroom.

This. And in primary schools too.

I have some friends and relatives who "gentle" parent. One of them goes the whole hog, constantly asking her child "how she feels about that" after they've finished smashing up another child's toy, hurting someone, etc. One of them is just lazy and can't be bothered to argue so her child does whatever they like.

Their kids are growing up into some of the most rude and entitled kids I've ever met, to the point that relatives don't even enjoy spending time with them. It's sad but they've been taught no boundaries.

Seriously, why does it matter?

It's not parenting and it infuriates me. I bet they would be furious if their DC's got sand in their eyes from another DC throwing it or something else happened to their DCs.

All little ones do stuff like this and they have to be told no. My DS when he was tiny would throw sand and all the reasoning in the world wouldn't have stopped him. He stop with reasoning and consequences. That's parenting.

We were at a fireworks party when my DS was about 11 and one kid (his age) was messing about with sparklers. I told him. My bf told him. And then I just took them off him. His parents did nothing. So my DS, other DC and other people don't count as long as your precious DC can do as he likes. Nah.

I am a lenient parent however, we are raising responsible adults here. These kids are not being raised to be adults.

And lots of boys exposed to porn from a young age and never heard the word no.

Indeed. It's interesting that anarchy never really took off, and no society has ever decided to order itself on the basis that its citizens are innately good and empathic, and will all do the right thing for the benefit of others if gently encouraged to do so.

As I posted earlier the word gentle is 6/7 of the word neglect.

It really angers me when lazy parents like this call what they're doing gentle parenting. It's so very much not. It's not parenting!

I gentle parent. Almost all of our social group do. It takes an absolute fuckton of work and we all do it because our ND kids would respond very badly to anything else.

It means watching them with an eagle eye in situations where they may need it. Jumping on unacceptable behaviour immediately to correct it. No punishments (they only teach surface compliance, the underlying problem isn't fixed) but keeping explanations brief and relevant and then removing the kid if needed. We're the families who leave events early, who helicopter when they're younger. And yes, we say "gentle hands" a lot and negotiate when possible, but we also enforce that. Because we are actually parenting.

I know only a couple of families who let their kids run fully feral, and we avoid them as much as you do.