To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

The difference is sitting on the sidelines and meekly calling out phrases like “gentle hands”, “use your kind voice”, “not too hard Johnny” WITHOUT going over to take away the stick or remove the child throwing sand is being a SHIT parent. By all means explain gently to your child WHY you are taking them away. No need for shouting etc.
You see these parents everywhere using their own bloody gentle voice reminding their child to be kind without getting up off their arse and doing anything for fear of upsetting the child. Almost like they are afraid of them kicking off. While the kid carries on regardless. Absolutely blows my mind. Shittest of the shit parenting.

My SD has made it very clear that she will not toilet train her almost four year old. It seems he is being given the autonomy to decide himself when to do it.

Jesus. That poor child.

Absolute nonsense. Surely the 0.1% are those doing it incorrectly. It's not that hard to be a half-decent parent. Perhaps very hard to be a great one, but I'm sure something we all strive for on this thread.

This. Very small children are too young for sensible explanations. You have to remove them firmly or take whatever away - no harm in adding e.g. ‘We don’t do that - it’s not nice’ though.

😂😂😂
The most ironic of it all is that you are told to welcome all of your child's emotions and let them be expressed (fine) but you as a parent should never show any level of frustration, anger, reaching your limits etc!

I have a very big/ strong toddler and recently got reported to SS because I grabbed him too hard when he was trying to ruin another couple of kids play.

I think both nursery and SS stance was you have to let kids be kids and let them upset other children and not remove them from situations was my takeaway and they have to see that they’re making other children cry. But surely not?

This idea terrifies me. I agree there must be a sweet spot but the current narrative does feel very let the child be a child and to hell with any kind of social cohesion. I’m not sure how I feel about letting your child hit another child or letting them disrupt another child’s play, it just doesn’t seem like gentle parenting at all :(

Yeah, that's shocking parenting.

My niece (SIL daughter) was brought up on ‘gentle parenting’ which other wise means parents who are wet blankets who give in to her all of the time.

Age 9 she is still a shit. I hate spending time with them as my children get pushed out all of the time so brat can do what she wants without any discipline

Well, maybe lots of people are doing effective gentle parenting then!

The standard parenting when I was a child was lots of smacks, and lots of “because I said so”. My mum regularly lost her temper with us, multiple times a day. Which was entirely normal, in my nice middle class area. If you aren’t doing that but instead are redirecting your toddler, explaining why they can’t do things, and not shouting at them or hitting them, congratulations you are doing gentle parenting.

But what you’re describing is authoritative parenting - high expectations and high support to meet those expectations. Not to be confused with authoritarian parenting - high expectations with little support, shouting punishments, a lot of “because I told you so”.

I see this all the time when someone criticises gentle parenting and people reply with “that’s not actually gentle parenting! Real gentle parenting is” and then continues to describe authoritative parenting.

While gentle parenting markets itself as a form of authoritative parenting in reality, except for maybe the most docile children, it will end up being permissive parenting. While in standard authoritative parenting you’d use both positive and negative reinforcement (for example taking the child home if it’s misbehaving), in gentle parenting you’re only allowed the positive. You’re also supposed to validate their feelings all the time and not give them orders. Just because you don’t shout at your kids doesn’t make it gentle parenting. It just makes you not an authoritarian parent. Actually gentle parenting is exactly the useless type of parenting these moms were doing (except the use of “we” because that’s actually a big no no in gentle parenting) because they can’t use the negative tools (ordering the child to not be a prick) and their kids clearly don’t care about positive encouragements.

@Pigeotto

That's ridiculous.
I recently got reported for shouting in my own home at a child.. Wasn't even shouting I raised my voice in shock as he just grabbed a ceramic bowl from the counter and was about to bring it down on his head!
This country has gone a bit mad..

Not true. You can absolutely tell them you are feeling frustrated. The key is not to lose your shit at them because, unlike a young child, an adult should be able to regulate their emotions.

Today's parenting drives me mad, especially the parents who pander to their kids.

The consequences of this are coming through our schools right now and is one of the reasons this is likely to be my last year. Last week one of my colleagues told a child to stop in a stern voice as he was about to deliberately hit another child with a skipping rope. The child did stop and my colleague removed the skipping rope from his hands. What followed was a tantrum which lasted over an hour - the child is 6. Guess what happened next - parent complained that her child was upset by the teacher shouting at him.

Do you not think though that sometimes this shit just comes out because you panic and want to be seen to be saying something but you know a possible outcome is that everything will go to hell? I’ve come out with rubbish in my time because there’s parents standing around waiting for your lesson in parenting 101 and there’s a chance your child will ignore you/ have a tantrum/ you’ll lose it? Eg they’re doing something and you say ‘now now it’s not good to x, y or z’ when in reality if they were at home you’d read them the riot act! My kids have acted up in the playground eg not come home when I ask them and I’ve done the ‘now now’ thing and then in the car I tell them I won’t accept that again and they won’t be going to the playground if they ever do it again. I don’t think you can judge someone else’s parenting unless you live with them so see it 24/7

Years ago we had a family over for dinner, their approach was not to use the word no. There was a bowl with vegetables on the table, and their 5-year old helped himself to the entire bowl because he wanted to. Of course he didn’t eat any of them. Like the other food he piled up but didn’t touch. I questioned it but the parents said they don’t tell him what not to do.

Later on there was a bowl of crisps and he took the bowl and put his mouth and nose in it. Noone else had any, including my children. The parents laughed and thought it was very cute.

I had to parent very direct style as only way child got message. We had a list of zero tolerance rules, so not even a warning, straight time out.

I don't get why parents these days are too scared to even raise their voices.

My children went to school with 'gentle parented' kids (or one where mummy would shout 'put that stick down henry!gentle hands!' While Henry was belting the fuck out of any unfortunate child in his eye-line and mummy was having a chat with her friends and glancing over occasionally)

One threw sand in my dds face-mummy was all 'gentle hands emily!we don't throw sand!'

While emily just ignored her and carried on

I was just about to get dd out as she was screaming,when she picked up the biggest handful I've ever seen and threw it at this kid-straight in her face

Funny how dd was then the devil's love child and I 'should have more control over my child'!

Can't have it both ways love

I agree, and also agree with pp about gentle parenting just being ineffectual parenting. Children are not born knowing how to behave, they need to be taught and corrected by their parents, not pandered to.

No. I would remove the stick they were hitting other kids with or remove them from the sandpit if they were flinging sand around. I wouldn’t passively sit there “saying something “ that was having no effect so I was seen to be doing “something “. Stopping my child hurting another AS they were hurting another trumps a tantrum. Having a chat in the car on the way home is not the same as reprimanding them at the time and not an hour after the fact. If they were acting up in the playground we would leave immediately meltdown or no meltdown.

‘Gentle parenting’ is a foolish fad. It only really exists in the US and Britain and only among better-off, indulgent parents.

What the term really means is “look at me, I’m such a good parent that I don’t even have to correct my child or tell them off”. It’s also competitive among a certain type of parents.

And…guess what?…children raised like this are the worst behaved.

Most of your examples aren't gentle parenting... they are just poor parenting.

Absolute bollocks! It's entirely possible to discipline your child and not accept feral behaviour whilst being the most empathetic, loving human being the planet has ever seen! Standing watching your child throw sand in another child's eye, or hit another kid with a stick is in no way empathetic, just pathetic parenting.

I confess, I can't do "gentle parenting", as I have hard time to deal with my 4yo's constant "no" on every single thing I suggest. I lose my calm easily!

These days, I just plainly ask him, "do you want to parent yourself? I can let you." (😂I do mean it.)

The answer is always "no" as usual. So I then became a parent who is worth listening to again for 5 minutes.

Children are being children for a reason. I don't understand why adults let children decide what they "should" do even when it comes to very important things. There needs a balance between respect and doing the right thing. Their developing brain and their life experience just aren't there to make the right decisions.