To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

I am in no way an expert, but isn’t the stuff about toddlers lacking impulse control fairly well established?

Good sleep and good nutrition are two things which are often extremely difficult with a child with SEN, it's not that the parents don't realise these things are beneficial. Are you really that naive?!

There would never be agreement about ‘refusing to help them self settle’ because it’s not true.

As the poster above said,@Nonumbersplease ND kids would throw out your little plans to homogenise parenting in about 3 minutes.

modern parenting has caused untold damage to small children by causing chronic sleep deprivation via refusing to help them self settle (‘it’s biologically normal…’)

As long as they’re getting enough sleep why does it matter whether they’re “self-settling” or not? If a child is getting all the sleep they need then the decision to let them self-settle or help them get to sleep seems to be more about the parent than the child. (No judgement either way - everything I’ve read says sleep training does no lasting harm, but I’d strongly resent being told I HAD to do it myself.)

I also don't see why some random nursery worker gets to declare herself the authority on what is and isn't effective parenting, anyway.

Unless you think that the way boomers and generation x were parented resulted in well adjusted and emotionally mature adults across the board, of course.

Because she sees literally thousands of children develop over time and works with them? If she isn’t then who is?

It doesn’t matter.

Doesn't matter, she's still only one person and one person's opinion isn't evidence in any kind of meaningful way. You'll find plenty of nursery workers equally experienced with equal numbers of children who don't agree with her, so who is to say she is right and they are wrong?

There’s nothing wrong with letting your kids cry as they learn how to sleep on their own.

The opposition to this is bullshit.

Personally I don't object to sleep training either, but I certainly would object to parents being told they had to do it and it was best for their child.

Someone with more actual knowledge, and without a bias towards what makes children easier to ‘manage’ en masse perhaps?

Someone who isn’t primarily interested in running a profitable business would also be an improvement.

Yes, this is my exact point. I have absolutely no problem with people sleep training but I don’t want to be made to do it myself!

Ffs.

Personally I've never been able to see why anyone would get worked up about how a parent gets their child to sleep. Who gives a fuck, that's up to them!

I've not heard the term pendulum parenting but I think that's why I gave up on the scripts. I'd done some self reflection and realised that most of the times I'd lost my rag with my kids was shortly after a failed attempt at one.

@Nonumbersplease Me either but it’s got to work both ways. I’d never lecture anyone about sleep training but I don’t want people to give me a load of crap about making a rod for my own back for not doing it either.

The point is they’re not getting them to sleep.

What’s wrong with being socialised? In fact isn’t that part of the problem - aggressive, undersocialised children struggling at school? Hop over to the staffroom and have a read.

And? Other than the nursery workers being fed up that they don't get a nap break, who is that affecting exactly? I was a shit sleeper as a kid and managed to do well in school and not turn out a serial killer etc.

I'm with you!!

Tbh a lot of the scripts are just a bit twatty.

I have a running joke with my daughter now where she will show me a drawing and I’ll say “would you like me to respond with a gentle parent script?” and she’ll nod and I’ll look very earnest and say “I can see you’ve used a lot of…pencil here. And there are lots of…lines.” And then she’ll laugh and I’ll say what I really think and ask if she would like any constructive criticism or not.

I don’t know how people manage some of the GP scripts with a straight face.

As I said earlier, people find anyone doing anything differently to them very insulting.

Where did I say anything about children socialising with each other being wrong?

I think you’ve hit the nail very much on the head there.

Socialised children are easily manageable.