To think gentle parenting is being taken too far?

[gpbs]

I've got DD 2yo and we meet up with mums with similar age kids from time to time, people I've known since pregnancy or since DD was very small. Examples are taken from some of those mums I know but also some mums I randomly encounter when out and about. Some of them take gentle parenting to the extreme I feel. A few examples:

1. Child A chasing Child B with a stick. Mum A says to Child A "sticks are for looking at, not for hitting" or "gentle hands please". Child A hits Child B with a stick "oh no we don't do that, do we? Hitting is mean!" (Wouldn't you grab the stick out of their hand before they hit?!)

1. Child A snatches the toy off Child B whilst B is holding it. Mum of A says "we don't snatch, do we? Can you give it back? Please give it back? Ok at least say sorry? No snatching please" as Child A walks off with the toy that she's just grabbed

1. One mum told me that she asks her son before brushing his teeth and if he says no, they don't brush it. Because body autonomy. He's 2.5.

1. Child throwing sand around, including at other children, whilst their mum calmly explains that it's best not to and how it would hurt other peoples eyes. Child not paying any attention, sand still being thrown, mum still talking at him. (Wouldn't you move them away from sand so it can't be thrown?)

All examples are things I've seen but all are about different children. Ages 1.5-3 in all.

And I know that's not what gentle parenting is MEANT to be about, but it's how the majority of parents who say they gentle parent actually parent.

I'm a teacher and dental nurses come into school every year to do check ups on kids and without fail each year at least 30% of the class come back with slips saying their child needs urgent dental care. One year a kid has to get 4 teeth removed.

Have had many scenarios where I have explained the slips to be greeted with responses like, 'they don't like brushing their teeth, they can't be bothered to brush their teeth, we can't force them to brush' etc.

Gentle parenting is the guaranteed way of ensuring that your child will be an entitled PITA as a teenager/adult ! Absolutely nothing wrong with the word NO .
Talking and reasoning doesn’t work with a toddler brain because it is not developed enough.

How rude and entitled! She’d have been told where to go if she’d asked me to move!

Thats sad, I feel really sorry for that child. She is not getting the attention from her parents that she needs and its hurting inside her. Not surprised its coming out this way. Who knows what is happening in her home on top of what you can see in public.

I agree!

Gentle parents DO say no. Permissive parents don't. There is a big different. Gentle parenting is absolutely not permissive parenting.

Why not just throw the term 'gentle' parenting away and replace it with responsible parenting. The crap parents couldn't use it as an excuse then.

I can't be doing with this. I have no qualms about telling children off if their parents are ineffectual.

One thing I notice with gentle parents
.. every single one of them has a child with extra needs be it ADHD autism odd gdd

It's proof that we're soft and kids get a table rather than any rules and discipline.

It's pathetic I'm

Also the ads on this page make it so difficult to read and reply

Thing is, nearly all shite parents these days incorrectly call themselves "gentle parents" like a trendy buzzword. They essentially don't parent their children and then label it gentle parenting.

So you get people who follow proper, disciplined, gentle parenting (probably about 3% of those who call themselves GPs) up in arms because they think people are calling them lazy shit parents. And you get the rest of the population thinking gentle parents are a fucking mockery to raising children, because that's what the lazy shite parents are, and you can't stop them incorrectly declaring to anyone who will listen that they are "gentle parenting"

Thats fucking awful of you to say tbh. I don’t know why you’re bringing up developmental/neurological disorders, frankly.

This isnt true though, there are loads of shit parents where I live who would never claim to be gentle parents, they scream and swear at their kids, pull them about, threaten to smack them

That is a very extreme example! My children were definitely not screamed at ,smacked etc They definitely understood what bad ,bratty behaviour was though and it wasn’t tolerated! No was the answer and it worked. My children are adults and are fabulous lovely people without any hang ups about their upbringing.
Son 28 has moved home recently to save money to go to Australia and as a Mum I am really enjoying his company .

I think you missed my point.

Exactly!

And with authorative parenting, they'd scream "Give that back you little shit!", they'd rip it off them aggressively,l and push it into the other childs hands, and then they'd give their child a bollocking and insult them when the inevitable crying was going on. They'd not acknowledge the other child in the scenario at all, or if they did, it would only be as a way to further be unkind to their own child ie "Why can't you play nicely like that other kid?" Etc.

Permissive parents clearly just want to be as far away on the parenting spectrum as possible from the authorative types.

I wouldn't consider myself to be a "Gentle Parent". It would not work for my two very rowdy, impulsive, arguably feral boys. I use a combination of natural consequences, distraction, talking about emotions, explaining "why", time out, cuddles, and occasionally losing my shit and shouting a bit (I wish I didn't, but I'm human and I'm doing my best). I have clear and consistent boundaries. My children are kind, socially capable, and polite (also impatient, messy, and boisterous).

I do have a friend who uses Gentle Parenting correctly. It works for her and her naturally calm children. If I used the same methods as her, my children would run circles around me.

That's authoritarian parenting not authoritative.

Ahh, yes you're right. Can't edit it for some reason though!

I think there's a time limit.

The way this is worded can be really hurtful to those who genuinely have ND children. Not very empathetic to generalise, tbh. They don't deserve being compared in such a sense.

And it's not true either with most of those permissive parents. They often don't make ND claim, simply using "respect their child" as the justification.

we were at the seaside, jellyfish at the waters edge. 2 children were stabbing and killing the jelly fish whilst the mother sat there ignoring them. No regard to care of wildlife.

Another time, i was in a meeting in a hall when a boy of 2 years old looked at us through the window of the door. Childs mother thought it ok to bring the child into the room as he was curious ! I thought wtf ???

I honestly dread having grandkids as that generation is going to be selfish brats !

The problem is, if you have to state you are gentle parenting then you’re probably not really parenting and just letting your kids run feral.

I always used the phrase “indoor voice please” with all five of my children if needed. Said in a very firm tone and followed immediately by time out if they didn’t rein it in ☺️

Three of mine have now flown the nest - a successful business owner, a dentist and a doctor who are all empathetic and close to us. I always tried to “teach them to be good” rather than “stop them from being bad”, no different to how we educated our horses and dogs x

I can't stand being in busy cold places because of parents like this, it drives me nuts and how do they think that child will be when older, when been allowed to do whatever they want with no consequences. This is why kids are unruly now and have no respect for police etc when get to teenage years.

At playgroups and parks when you seen these things the parents are usually too busy having a social with other mums to even realise what their little darlings are doing, use it as a babysitting service almost.

With the stick I would tell my child to put it down before the hit, and if he didn't I would take it.

Snatching, I would ask them to give it back and say sorry, but if didn't, I would take it and give back.

We brush teeth regardless

And yes I would tell child to stop throwing sand but if it didn't stop immediately I would remove my child to prevent hurt to the other children, explain to them why I had done so outside of the sand area, they would be allowed to return on the understanding if they did it again we would be leaving, and that usually works with mine.

It isn’t gentle parenting at all. Gentle parenting is holding limits with empathy, not enforcing them punitively. Consequences are natural if they only matter to the child (ie if you if you run through a puddle, you get wet feet) and limits are held if they are health and safety issues. Choices are always given, but not full autonomy. The actual parenting part usually looks very similar. The difference is mainly in tone, language and space for a child’s feelings a lot being parented.

‘Sticks are fun. The rule with sticks is that one end must stay on the ground. That keeps everyone safe. I see you are having trouble with that today. I will take the stick and we will play with sticks another day. It’s my job to keep everyone safe’. And listen to the inevitable complaining with empathy and understanding having already removed the stick, the child, or both.

’We always brush our teeth to keep them healthy. Do you want to choose a song to brush to, or me to (pretend to) catch the germs?’

’sand is not for throwing. If it’s too hard not to throw, we can’t play with sand today’ listen to inevitable complaining while holding child’s hands to prevent sand throwing ‘I hear you. Its hard. It’s fun to throw. We can throw balls or bean bags. But I won’t let you throw sand. It hurts people’s eyes. Do you want to throw OR play in the sand?’ Then you STAY with the child, watching them a hawk, until they can be relied on not to throw sand. Or you put the sand away, again with an ‘it’s hard’ attitude, not a punitive one.

A gentle parent still holds important limits. They just choose them mindfully, hold them calmly and allow feelings about it. Not just say ‘we don’t….’ while allowing the behaviour. Choices are always given, but not age-inappropriate ones. Positive phrases are used, but not without holding limits. Calling those examples gentle parenting isn’t ’taking it too far’. It’s just wrong.

the issue is people have taken the gentle board, but not incorporated the parenting. Largely because it’s considerably harder and takes longer and more attention than the conventional sort. I have every sympathy with both the parents trying to do it and finding it hard, and with people being frustrated with incomplete parenting. Parenting is hard. But the problem is not that gentle parenting itself is ineffective, or it being taken too far. The problem is with is not being taken far enough. Those are all examples of incomplete gentle parenting.

clearly the message is getting out there that gentle parenting is a good thing. The question is how to support parents who choose it to do it fully and effectively. Also gently, and with empathy, while holding appropriate limits. (That’s ironic!)