AIBU to think (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes

[Bernadinetta]

AIBU to think that (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes to overcompensate for the fact they’re imagining people are looking at their food and thinking “well no wonder she’s fat”, even if they’re doing it subconsciously.

Have just spent a weekend away with my parents, I see them often as they look after my kids after school two days a week, but rarely spend mealtimes etc with them. DM isn’t obese but is on the overweight side. Every single meal out was full of comments such as:
”Oh wow, that’s huge isn’t it!”
”We didn’t really need one each of these, we could’ve just shared couldn’t we?!”
”Its lovely but it’s just soo much bread” (proceeds to eat sandwich open-faced without top slice of bread)
”We’re going to sink like stones in the pool now!” (there was a pool where we were staying)

And so on, multiple comments every meal. I feel like slimmer people probably get their food, if the portion is too big they eat what they want and leave the rest, no need for the whole performance. I feel like bigger people feel the need to make the comments to try and deflect. Or is it a generational thing? Or is it just my DM?

I don't think it's specific to any size. It's just a quirk, often coming from slightly older women. I guess it was in- grained in women from a young age that being 'greedy' is awful and I guess maybe she feels guilty. She obviously knows she's bigger than she would like.

It's a shame if she feels the need to 'excuse' her food portions/ size in this way. I did know one very obese lady at work, and she only ever seemed to have a sandwich, crisps and a drink for the whole day. I could imagine she must have had a severe binging disorder once she got home.

I often comment on portions looking big, in a kind of 'oh wow, how cool' kind of way. If they look very small I always joke "where's the rest of it?' I'm very slim and a small eater, but I just like feeling like there's too much food rather than not enough.

I find most larger people I know seem to eat their food very enthusiastically and quite quickly, without really ever complaining. They always seem to finish their plate. They are also more likely to accept bits from my plate.

So I think it's mainly her insecurity. I'd say it's best to ignore it as commenting could make her feel very embarrassed. Like, implying she eats loads so how can she moan about big portions kind of thing. I can see how it could be grating though.

"Your last paragraph is really nasty by the way and is a perfect example of why overweight people feel the need say stuff about portions. Not everyone who is overweight stuffs their face all day with snacks ffs"

I never said "overweight" people are always stuffing their faces with snacks. That was YOUR assumption. I said people who make a big song and dance about supposedly massive portion sizes are likely stuffing their faces with snacks all day and that's why they don't want their meal. I've seen slim and fat people do it. I don't believe it's about size. I believe it's about attention seeking.

As others have said, not size specific. We're all judged constantly and inevitably it causes some people to be sensitive. I'm thin and always have been, but have had plenty of people assume I have food issues because of my size (bottom of the healthy bmi range). Actually I am just on the go constantly and have a fast metabolism and need to eat a lot. I hate people commenting that I must have an eating disorder and I sometimes comment when I eat, to try to draw attention to the fact I am eating "normally". I assume it's something similar when larger people do the same.

It's just a quirk, often coming from slightly older women.

Why would you say this? And what does 'slightly older' mean? It's a relative term, so older than who? By how many years are they older?

Nonsense thing to say.

You sound nice

Yes - some of them like to make it a point to make me feel bad because im
thin and eat a lot less - im just used to it now.

Honestly I’m not sure it’s overweight people, I think it’s people with eating/security issues. My mum isn’t overweight and does this regularly because she’s obsessed with food and weight.

My MIL is slim and does this. She does it less as I am only slightly overweight but she didn't think that some of her comments around food were rude and I made a point of calling her out.
Just things like 'oh don't give me a big portion' 'oh I can't eat as much as you two'. And things like not having a sweet tooth, which she does she just thinks that if no one sees her eat it then she didn't eat it.
Also everytime we eat on her way to the kitchen with the plate basically shoving it under my nose and going 'oh I only left this and this'. Or 'do you want half my salmon strip that I've mauled as I can't eat all that's
My late FIL used to say I was a 'good eater' which all women want to hear.
I have had a lot of weight issues over the years and know myself it's an issue and I can be obsessive so it winds me up probably more than it should do

I’m not “having a go” but I do feel sorry for older women who have been brought up with dysfunctional relationships with food.

It’s not just in my experience either, it’s well known that food attitudes have changed dramatically over decades and it’s only more recently that we are embracing food and body neutrality.

No it may not apply to this specific example but OP omitted the ages so it has become a general discussion of people who talk in certain ways about food.

I think it's less the size of the person and more their relationship with food as I've known slim people to do the same. I used to have an awful relationship with food thanks to my mother making huge dinners and making me eat every bit until I felt sick. As a result I was a very fussy child and would hide food in my pocket to flush down the loo, or just sit there for hours and end up sent to bed with a smack. I actually ended up very underweight. I'm healthy now, but will always be tiny (5ft 2 with a small frame) and used to be very conscious of people watching me eat. If we went out for a pub lunch, the size of the portions would fill me with anxiety to the point I'd lose my appetite (because I'd subconsciously feel like people would be annoyed with me if I didn't finish it all!) I'd sometimes actually apologise for not being able to eat it all. I'd also sometimes get comments from people who decided I was too small and should eat more - these were not helpful, just made me feel ten times worse as I wasn't in fact undereating at all - just eating until I was full, which happened to be sooner than some. These days I don't care. I know I don't have a huge appetite and I don't see it as anyone else's business. I'm sure it's annoying when people make a fuss about portion sizes, but as long as it's their own food they're commenting on I think you should just smile and ignore - they are likely dealing with an internal struggle they can't help.

Oh yes, don't mind all the performative undereaters, that are clearly NOT.

I don’t agree that it’s just overweight people. The person I know who comments most frequently on portion sizes (his own and other people’s) is a slim, middle aged man.

Then why feel the need to comment here about it instead? Genuine question. It's like saying I am so much better than her (and others like her).

Performative compliance to the pressure for women to be smaller. My mother used to do it. Happens when women have had people telling them "you don't need all that, you're fat enough".

That's interesting op
Now my fil does exactly this ,but
I assumed he was doing it to have a dig at me , because I am fat .
It makes me feel very uncomfortable

Fil is like a whippet as well ,not an ounce of fat ,unlike me

I think it's just from an obsession with food usually due to dieting. The women in my family across several generations are underweight and always on diets. That is normal speech for them. My mum will do things like pick up chips for the kids "as a treat" then get herself a salad then starts with "oh wow there's too many chips, she'll never eat those chips will she, you'll never eat all those you'll be sick, do you have hollow legs, where will you put it a skinny thing like you, you won't stay skinny for long eating all those chips, I'm so full from looking at your chips I can't eat my salad now, the smell from your chips is putting me off...blah blah blah. I'm the only overweight one in my family and cringe at the thought of making any food related comments. I eat in silence and alone where possible.

"My mum will do things like pick up chips for the kids "as a treat" then get herself a salad then starts with "oh wow there's too many chips, she'll never eat those chips will she, you'll never eat all those you'll be sick, do you have hollow legs, where will you put it a skinny thing like you, you won't stay skinny for long eating all those chips, I'm so full from looking at your chips I can't eat my salad now, the smell from your chips is putting me off...blah blah blah."

This kind of behaviour is so fucking self absorbed and "look at me" I absolutely hate this sort of shit.

Genuinely I don't think the people who are doing this are any more or less likely to be overweight. But they are attention seekers. And probably martyrs as well. It seems to go hand in hand.

My FIL is slim and does this constantly to remind everyone that he’s slim because of moderation (when in fact it is largely due to genetics).

IMO this is more likely to be generational. My mum says this about ALL MEALS and it drives me up the wall -- she is maybe slightly overweight (10-15 pounds max?) but over 70, and she has been like this all my life (even at times when she has been very thin). Sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up and leave the food she couldn't possibly eat, but I know she'd be offended... 😬

No. It's your mum! You can't extrapolate what one 70yo says to the whole of her age group.

I dont think its said that ALL women over a certain age say this?

But are women from certain generations victims of diet culture? Absolutely. My mum and aunt absolutely passed their disordered eating onto me.

Not necessarily “better” but maybe more polite, better manners, more aware of others around me?
I had my young daughter with me too. I don’t really want her to be half way through her food, enjoying it thinking “oh yum, this food is lovely and is satisfying me” for her to then hear “this is way too much”, “I only need to eat half of this” “I’m going to sink like a stone in the pool now!” and her to think she’s doing something wrong and begin to limit herself.

It’s food anxiety, not based upon size. One of my parents is the same but very slim.

What’s worse is now in my 50s that and my toxic childhood has rubbed off on me and I don’t eat out at all incase I’m judged, I’m bigger btw (16-18) and all my mums comments about food/eating/peoples clothes size etc start whirling away in my head. Really bad days I don’t even eat at the table with my partner I go and eat in a room alone.

You are 100% correct. Think of your daughter. As above I have a parent like this, but parent is small, and it’s had a dreadful impact on me.