AIBU to think (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes

[Bernadinetta]

AIBU to think that (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes to overcompensate for the fact they’re imagining people are looking at their food and thinking “well no wonder she’s fat”, even if they’re doing it subconsciously.

Have just spent a weekend away with my parents, I see them often as they look after my kids after school two days a week, but rarely spend mealtimes etc with them. DM isn’t obese but is on the overweight side. Every single meal out was full of comments such as:
”Oh wow, that’s huge isn’t it!”
”We didn’t really need one each of these, we could’ve just shared couldn’t we?!”
”Its lovely but it’s just soo much bread” (proceeds to eat sandwich open-faced without top slice of bread)
”We’re going to sink like stones in the pool now!” (there was a pool where we were staying)

And so on, multiple comments every meal. I feel like slimmer people probably get their food, if the portion is too big they eat what they want and leave the rest, no need for the whole performance. I feel like bigger people feel the need to make the comments to try and deflect. Or is it a generational thing? Or is it just my DM?

"SwingTheMonkey · Today 09:48

It’s a defensive thing.

I’m overweight, I’ve got a massive plate of food in front of me that people are no doubt thinking ‘look at that greedy cow with all that food - no wonder they’re so fat’.

So you get in there early to acknowledge how much food is there and that you’re not going to eat it all. It’s a defence against what you perceive people are thinking about you."

The thing is though what you're doing here is just making other people feel uncomfortable about their meal instead to make YOU feel better. How is that ok?

And actually if you're out in a restaurant I can't imagine ANYONE is thinking about how greedy you are to get such a massive plate of food since you didn't fill it yourself anyway.

Plus people who do it are usually just doing it for attention because they want everyone to think "oh well done. You eat like a bird. You must be so much better as a person than I am"
But really nobody gives a shit. What they're actually thinking is - "don't eat it then. But why do you have to go on about it so that now I feel bad about eating MY meal"

It's selfish and performative. And usually bollocks anyway because in my experience the people who do this will be stuffing their face with snacks all day anyway which is why they're not that hungry for their meal.

I'm overweight and one of my slim friends used to comment all the time about what I was eating, no matter what it was, if it was healthy / unhealthy, whatever.

"How are you still hungry?"
"You don't need that"
"That's so processed"
"Aren't you having more than that?"
"Are you eating ANOTHER banana?"

It was fucking annoying. YABU

My mum is slim at the moment but has always been normal weight then yo-yo dieting since forever because you can never be slim enough. She always makes these types of comments, so do all her friends. I think it’s a generational thing? Constantly going on about good food/bad food, too much of this blah blah. I find it exhausting, you can go out and eat a big piece of cake for lunch if you want and eat healthily all other days a week. Always focusing on people’s weight. I dieted for years as a teen/early twenties because I too believed that I could be slimmer, even at my slimmest. Honestly glad that I snapped out of it and have a good relationship with food. My mum finds it miraculous that I can maintain a slim weight without eating tiny portions and avoiding all ‘bad’ foods.

My mother is very slim but always makes comments like these and always has. She has also been on a diet her whole life so she’s projecting her own fears basically.

Yes when it happens I assume it’s guilt or shame. A kind of saying I know I’m overweight but I really want you to know it’s not because I’m greedy - whatever greedy means.

i know what you mean op I’ve heard people say it a lot. I’m slim though and I wonder if that’s why it’s a deflection in case I’m thinking bad of them. I’m not I don’t care. I’m more thinking about my own fucked up relationships with food!!

I don’t think it’s a fat-person thing - I think it’s a constantly-comparing-and-competing person thing.

of the people I know who do this - both thin + fat. The common denominator is they live their lives constantly looking around at who is fatter/thinner/prettier/richer etc.

I get that some people feel insecure and can’t help it.

but it is very annoying whoever does it!

But it is generational, different body sizes are in fashion at different times and at one stage that was bring small, being attractive and slim is important when you are perhaps reliant on finding a man so you can leave home etc. for a lot of women their goal was to be as small as possible,not seen to be greedy to be delicate and feminine I think it’s changing now thank god with more women doing weights and celebrating a strong looking body. Not something that happens when they are old, it’s the wallace Simpson thing isn’t it.

I don't think it's changed at all! There's still a strong drive for women to be slim/small. It doesn't stop just because you're older, and it's nothing to do with 'getting a man'!

Oh sorry, I’ve not been clear. I didn’t mean me, personally. I don’t mention portion sizes.

Not now anyway- there was a time I did when I was overweight that I did feel like everyone was watching what I had in front of me though so I know definitely know how it feels to perceive judgement.

I find weight is very complex emotionally, and people react in ways we may not feel is logical.

for example I see on here some really abusive terms used for people who eat too much. Ie a thread about a husband eating too much of something is met with complete abuse, greedy pig, disgusting , etc, but when a woman does it, there is no abuse. If a woman doesn’t fancy her now fat husband it’s acceptable, understandable, if a man doesn’t fancy his now fat wife, it makes him an absolute shallow bastard. With cries of what do you look like then, have you all your hair.

and take the Pippa Middleton in a bikini thread, some people ripping her apart. And absolutely guaranteed some of those same people are obese, then if someone obviously overweight posts a pic of themselves, folks fall over themselves to say you’ve a gorgeous figure etc. like it’s ok to slam skinny.

it’s all very complex and about the persons emotions around their own body image and I always think it best to keep in mind that when you see behaviour that you find uncomfortable. That it is not about the other person, or the portion, or whatever, it’s about the feeling the person has about themselves.

I agree it isn’t about being small now, strong has been the new skinny for a long time, but some people cannot move out of that mindset. It is generational.

Im making assumptions but your mum has spent years struggling with her weight, dieting , yoyoing , tried WW, SW

She's obsessed with food

Am I right?

Again. I’ve clearly not expressed myself well enough. I’m giving an explanation of why I think people do this. Not that I do it myself. When I said ‘I’m overweight’ I meant it as speaking as op’s mum, not myself.

Your last paragraph is really nasty by the way and is a perfect example of why overweight people feel the need say stuff about portions. Not everyone who is overweight stuffs their face all day with snacks ffs.

I have never noticed this at all, it must just be your family OP.

My late MIL was the opposite, every meal I had was “not nearly enough” and told me “everyone” gains a stone every decade.

That was definitely her insecurities and I pushed back when she started giving my DD cakes when they were babies

I'm overweight, I can't eat loads in one go tho, I am however a grazer.

I never say anything but when I clock the skinny guy in work having two pies, a Mars bar and a can of coke for lunch I do find myself idly wondering how Mr Skinny McSkinnyton can eat such utter shite and remain slim whereas I seem to have drawn the short straw in terms of metabolism and size of arse !!

If some overweight people make comments like this it'll be because some people judge overweight people. If the judgement wasn't there, they wouldn't feel the need to comment on portion sizes.

Welcome to diet culture and how society treats fat people.

What @IncompleteSenten said. I'm not massively overweight but would be happier weighing less and I struggle to eat in front of others as always assume they're thinking "she shouldn't be eating that" or "she could do with skipping a meal or two!"
I think when peoplesay things like "oh this is waaaaay too much or we could've shared" they're trying to get in there first because they think others are thinking it.

I;m overweight but never mention portion sizes at all. Mainly because i have 2 women in my life who do - my mother who flaps her hands and says she couldn't possibly (she is also overweight and this is around her anxiety around food and eating in public) and my aunt who does the same but usually says things like ' Oh I can't manage it- I'll not be able to eat until Thursday' who is super super skinny and has had treatment several times for eating disorders.

I think it comes from being anxious around food and perhaps a perceived sensitivity about what is appropriate for women to eat. (although when you get older your appetite does diminish). .

My mum is very petite and she does the same. It's a mum thing I'd say.

Really? Cannot they? How did they get there first place, then? And don't tell me about health problems, I have underactive thyroid since childhood, biggest excuse to be fat, and I'm not.

'Didnt happen to me' is the biggest bullshit argument ever.

Snacking, eating more frequently, drinking sugary drinks or alcohol- lots of ways to eat too many calories besides eating big portions at mealtimes.

I used to do this from time to time, more out of habit really and because my own mum never finishes a plate of food (no eating issues or overweight, she just doesn’t like a big meal and regularly makes this known!). I was then around a family member recently who was doing this relentlessly and I found it insufferable. I don’t know why this person has started doing this but I found it so irritating and performative and I just want to say eat what you want and leave what you want, nobody cares! It was a lightbulb moment for me and has weirdly stopped me from doing it myself since. I’m also a lot happier in my eating habits since I stopped doing this and feel like I know my own hunger cues a lot better. Ironic really that it took being annoyed by someone else with this habit that nipped mine in the bud!

I don’t think it’s got to do with whether you are overweight or not but I do agree it is incredibly grating being around someone who goes on like this.