AIBU to think (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes

[Bernadinetta]

AIBU to think that (some) overweight people feel the need to comment on portion sizes to overcompensate for the fact they’re imagining people are looking at their food and thinking “well no wonder she’s fat”, even if they’re doing it subconsciously.

Have just spent a weekend away with my parents, I see them often as they look after my kids after school two days a week, but rarely spend mealtimes etc with them. DM isn’t obese but is on the overweight side. Every single meal out was full of comments such as:
”Oh wow, that’s huge isn’t it!”
”We didn’t really need one each of these, we could’ve just shared couldn’t we?!”
”Its lovely but it’s just soo much bread” (proceeds to eat sandwich open-faced without top slice of bread)
”We’re going to sink like stones in the pool now!” (there was a pool where we were staying)

And so on, multiple comments every meal. I feel like slimmer people probably get their food, if the portion is too big they eat what they want and leave the rest, no need for the whole performance. I feel like bigger people feel the need to make the comments to try and deflect. Or is it a generational thing? Or is it just my DM?

I mean, maybe if it really was a comically large portion, saying “oh wow, look at the size of that!” as it’s served to you, then eating however much you want. But many multiple comments over and over throughout a meal that is literally a normal sized sandwich while other people at the table are also eating the same size meal is a bit wearing really.

God I bloody hate when people do this. It's just attention seeking. And it's selfish. If I'm enjoying my food I don't need someone else saying how massive it is and making me feel guilty just so that they can look virtuous by not eating it all (especially if they're the type to then continue snacking on biscuits the rest of the day)

This

I agree it’s a generational thing. From personal experience anyway.
The “boomers” in my life (for lack of a better descriptor) and older, are all very loud about “oh that’s far too much” “oh we’ve got so much food on the table” “gosh that cake looks good but just a tiny slither for me” “oh I’ve had two biscuits how naughty”
Edited to add - all of these comments have come from women, some larger / smaller than others so current weight seems irrelevant. But I’ve noticed the men never feel the need to comment, regardless of their size/weight.

Perhaps a combination of attitudes from when they were younger (a lot of societal emphasis on women “staying slim” 40-50 years ago) and the fact that your appetite does get smaller as you age generally so they probably can’t eat as much anyway, so overreact to quantities of food eg. Gave my 66 year old aunt a bowl of pasta the same size as my 6 year olds the other day and she complained it was far too much and then ate it all.

I think younger generations and those with young children are working quite hard to destigmatise food and reinforce the message that food doesn’t have any moral value.

Lots of women - of all sizes - do it because they've internalised the message that women should have dainty appetites, and eating less (or nothing!) is a virtue while eating a lot (or a normal portion!) is a moral failing.

I also think that as you get older, you can’t eat as much and that's probably part of it too. But generally, women whether overweight or not, can feel very defensive and ashamed when it comes to food.

I think people who have issues with food, regardless of weight do this. There’s a lot of people with disordered eating and they range from thin to fat.,

I feel thin people do this as well. My MIL comments on food to the point it puts everyone off the lovely food she has just cooked huge portions of.

It reads that she is trying to have a passive aggressive dig at a fat person seated at the table with her.

Loads of people of all sizes do it. It's internalised shame around food and trying to make sure they come across as dainty. Really common in parents' generation but it's not limited to them - my MIL does it a lot despite being average-sized. It's toxic because it means that they're implying anyone at the table who does finish a similar sized portion is fat/abnormal/greedy. They will affirm this by being fake nice and going "oh didn't you do well, you must have been hungry good on you for having a healthy appetite" etc.

I've also noticed that when MIL comments on what my son (8) is eating, even supposedly positively "ooh what a hungry boy, you'll grow big and strong", he immediately clams up and goes "nah, I'm not really hungry anymore". I'm trying to get her to stop doing that.

Sounds as though your MiL has been on the receiving end of some nasty, fat-shaming comments and is feeling defensive about how she is perceived when eating. This can actually tip over into an eating disorder. Next time, I would say, ‘We’re on holiday. You’re allowed a treat, especially when you’re running around after our kids all day!’

As a fat woman (who desperately doesn’t want to be fat)… I had always wondered if slimmer people watched my plate like a hawk and paid special (critical) attention to anything I have to say about the food on it… I am now satisfied from this OP that they definitely do. 😢

I’ve known a few overweight people quite a bit older who eat like birds and would never finish a whole plate of food at a restaurant. I think it’s a combination of lower metabolism as they get older, not much movement and consuming high calorie foods (eating out often, high calorie home cooking, lots of alcohol). They always commented on my “giant” portion sizes. So it might be an age/lifestyle thing and their stomachs have genuinely shrunk from not eating large portions. Still annoying though when you just want to enjoy your dinner

Where did I generalise anybody?

I said that in my mum's case, she was projecting her own insecurities.

I don’t think most people do at all. It’s only if you make a song and dance about it. Personally I think eat all your food or don’t, what you eat is no one else’s business and people will only think about it if you draw attention to it

Haha no worries!

Why does the OP make you think anyone would notice what is on your plate and what you eat if you just quietly got on with eating your food? I’ve said that the constant comments is what draws the attention. I’d barely notice what others were eating outside of maybe “ooh that burger auntie Jean has ordered looks nice” and definitely wouldn’t notice/judge how much had been finished/left if the person wasn’t going on and on about it, which would draw my attention and make me wonder about what their
motivation was in doing this.

My ex-MIL would never say thank you for any food put down in front of her, she’d always go into this performative “what a huge portion” “I’ll never managed that” etc. She also hated “fat people” and would go on and on about how disgusting they were and name particular individuals and complain about why they couldn’t be more active like her. Funny thing is she wasn’t small. A solid size 14-16 at 5ft 4. I think these comments are more from people who have food issues and are a bit obsessive rather than fat or thin people. I think some people spend so long thinking about dieting and portions it is then a bit of a surprise for the rest of us

The only time I’m interested in other peoples plates is to see if they’ve left any chips I can pinch

I've noticed that some women - overweight or not - do this. Make pointless, irritating comments about their food and other people's. I don't know if it's a tic or for the sake of something to say but it is hugely annoying.

Eat it/don't eat it, I don't care, just shut up about it.

It goes the other way too. I'm overweight and have worked my backside off to lose over 3 stone and 4 dress sizes. It's taken me over 18 months and I've still got a way to go before I get to healthy weight range.

It's been a lifestyle change for me, not a diet but I now have anxiety about eating around people who aren't my immediate family or when I'm in restaurants.

I was taught to clear my plate as a child and always did until I began to lose weight and listen to my body, so I stop when I'm full. But the amount of comments, particularly from slim friends querying why I'm not eating more, comments around how I must still be hungry as they've cleared their plate and I haven't. The question of is everything OK with my food when the wait staff clear my plate as everyone else's is empty or do I want to take it home. If I insist I'm full I've frequently gotten raised eyebrows, not to mention slimmer friends actually assuming I want the bigger slice of cake or offering me their left overs when I haven't even finished.

Like it or not there is public judgement against us that are overweight, the assumption is that we are fat because we must eat too much and we must all enjoy food. Its exhausting trying to navigate it and we can't win.

You can't help what people are thinking about you - or not thinking.

Just eat and enjoy your food without drawing attention to it. I know it's easy to say, difficult to do but try it. Make no comment about it, talk about other things.

There is no reason to feel defensive about what you eat and you shouldn't feel pressure to do that.

@Thementalloadisreal

I agree it’s a generational thing. From personal experience anyway.
The “boomers” in my life (for lack of a better descriptor) and older, are all very loud about “oh that’s far too much” “oh we’ve got so much food on the table” “gosh that cake looks good but just a tiny slither for me” “oh I’ve had two biscuits how naughty”

Just because it's your experience doesn't mean that this is a truth.

The OP has never stated how old she is, or how old her mother is. She could be in her 20s with a mother who is in her 40s. Or she could be in her 40s with a mother who's in her 60s. Or in her 50s with a mother in her 70s.

None of you have any idea how old this woman is who is commenting on her daughter's food. So to claim this is a generational thing is nonsense. It's just - yet another - excuse to have a go at older people.

Sounds like your mum has food anxiety, which often goes hand in hand with struggling to be a healthy weight. I know several people like this unfortunately.

Good point about the ages. I’m 36 and my mum is 64.

I think rather than ageism, the point about people saying it’s generational is that it was more of a polite thing in the past to clear your plate and eat everything.

There was a thread about commenting on portion size a while ago and the majority consensus was it was a mother/generational thing! My mum and dad are both very slim, have always ate tiny portions and ALWAYS comment/moan about how crazy portion sizes are (whilst me, my sister and our partners are invariably wolfing down said portion sizes with ease!) My parents regularly share meals/sanwiches between the two of them, so whilst they comment, they live up to their moaning and genuinely cannot eat that amount of food in one sitting. They do however eat a relatively constant stream of sugary 'sweet treats' and give the same to our kids without a second thought!