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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting friends DD to party

98 replies

stripedrainbow · 19/02/2024 23:57

I met DFriend at a toddler group and our DDs have always been close. They attended dancing together 2 times a week and regularly met up on weekends. This was usually at DFs house as my DH works from home. I would often attend as DF had become one of my closest friends. When the girls went to senior school last year I found them distancing. My DD said friends DD was leaving her out and becoming friendlier with other girls, who DD did not like. One day friends DD said something unkind to DD in front of the group of girls and made her feel small and ridiculed. After that they had a few other minor fall outs. DD is a sensitive child and would follow her friend around trying to fix it, when friend was asking to be left alone. I have since spoken to her about boundaries. They were still friends with a core group of girls but now the other girl had other friends too.

Fast forward to now. The girls are still friends but not close anymore. They no longer share lifts to dancing and do not socialise together. They do go to group events together and get along fine. It is DDs birthday next month and she is asking to not invite this girl to her party, but to invite all the other girls from the core group. I believe DD should be able to choose her own guest list but hate the idea of a child being left out. I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive. Also I have asked her to have a smaller party so it is not so obvious that shes leaving this girl out, but she has slimmed it down to still the core girls. This would be the first party in 8 years that one child has been left out from the core group. I am aware it will ruin my friendship with the mother. I already see her a lot less as our children no longer socialise or share car rides.

AIBU to say she cant leave the child out? WWYD?

OP posts:
ILoveHugeAckman · 20/02/2024 00:01

What does DD want?

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/02/2024 00:01

What age is senior school?

Sounds like DD is at the age where she's old enough to pick her own friends and decide her own party invites.

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:03

Apologies, I clicked send before I was ready. Both girls are Y8.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:05

12 / 13 years old

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 20/02/2024 00:07

It sounds like the other girl isn't being that nice to her. So I say let her choose. You could always contact your friend/the Mum & explain that the girls are no longer as close?

DinnaeFashYersel · 20/02/2024 00:08

stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:05

12 / 13 years old

I think DD gets to pick her own invite list

LimeViewer · 20/02/2024 00:10

I'd think 8 is too many at turning 13. It's not primary. What can you do with 8 13 Yr olds that will cost hundreds!

stonedaisy · 20/02/2024 00:13

You're not coming to my party is something banded around in reception class..
Its absurd not to invite her, it will definitely cause beef and it cant be undone

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:14

@lime, its the first party in 8 years one would be left out, not 8 children going. Its currently DD & 4 friends. I tried to get her to slim it down but she still chooses the 3 that are the core group and often did things as a 5 (with DD & friends DD). Money is, luckily, not a factor.

OP posts:
LimeViewer · 20/02/2024 00:17

Well 4 friends is fine surely, they don't share lifts anymore so this other girl probably wouldn't expect to make the cut of 4 places then.

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:18

@stonedaisy it is the cannot be undone part that worries me. I worry that DD will be upset when friend does not invite her in return. It feels so final and I don't want her to regret it. The other child's family hosts more events than we do so it could be ongoing. The other child is very outgoing and is not as invested in the friendship group as my DD so would not be as upset to be left out of plans. But also don't want my DD to be forced to invite the other child.

OP posts:
MoaningMeowing · 20/02/2024 00:18

How many girls are in the friendship circle?

GinaLoubie · 20/02/2024 00:22

I wouldnt leave 1 out

stonedaisy · 20/02/2024 00:23

The friend will definitely not invite her in return and it will cause a right stink. Especially as all her friends will be invited.
It's super childish.
Suggest to your daughter she needs to be a bigger person for her friendship group and for you and your mum friend.

SD1978 · 20/02/2024 00:23

It's a bit shit. She is part of a friendship core group of 5 kids. She only wants to exclude 1 and invite the other 4. You've said she's sensitive- if the original friend did tho- I assume your child would be dang near inconsolable? So she chooses 2 or all. Excluding obviously one kid in a friendship group that she is still friends with, is shit. And there will be ramifications that could see your daughter excluded from the group depending on how the fallout goes.

SD1978 · 20/02/2024 00:24

And she will lose out all future invites to things the girls do- and will be excluded. If my daughter was the o it one not invited, and the 5 hang out regularly- I imagine my daughter would stop inviting that child in the same circumstance.

housingplanningquestion · 20/02/2024 00:27

When you ask how she'll feel when friend doesn't invite her to the (bigger number of) parties and events, what does she say?

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:31

@DinnaeFashYersel , @converseandjeans , @LimeViewer thanks for answering. Can I ask, what would you say to your DD when the other child does not invite back? Also would you warn them beforehand this will more than likely happen or leave them to their decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:31

@MoaningMeowing the core group that came up from primary is 5 girls (including DD & friend). The added girl I mentioned (DD wants 4 girls) is a senior school friend and would be the first to be cut off a list as she is not as close and has other friends outside their group. They don't sit with her every day but she was on the invite list. All 5 core group have gone to every party and sleepover one another has had. DD & friend were very close and often did things together. 2 of the other girls are very close and do things together. 5th girl is very introverted so does not have a partner in the group but is always invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:31

@stonedaisy , @SD1978 this is my concern. I am 99% sure the other girl will then leave DD out. I would not blame her and would allow DD to do the same in that situation, without a second thought. The other girl is very confident and probably would not be too fussed at not coming to DDs party, whereas DD will be devastated. Every part of thinks its a bad idea to leave her out - for DDs sake as much as anything. I just wanted group opinions as I then have the fear I am bringing up a people pleaser and teaching her that her own feelings don't matter. When it is not that, it is more the fact I'm thinking strategically that she may then be left out in return and fractions may form that cannot be fixed.

OP posts:
thecrispfiend · 20/02/2024 00:34

I would encourage her to invite all of them personally as you don't want to be dealing with friendship dramas down the line

Moonshine5 · 20/02/2024 00:37

Sounds mean to leave one young person out.

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:38

@housingplanningquestion when she first told me her plans I gently raised it and asked how things were going with friend. She said they were pleasant to one another but no longer chatted properly. Yet some days she will tell me all about what DF did on the weekend and everyday things they chatted about during break, so I feel they do speak more than DD realises. She said she did not want her to come as friend had been unkind. I explained that I understood her point but that sometimes when one person makes such a big change it becomes more acceptable for others to do it and she may change the structure of the group into splinters that she does not like. (The other girl is more confident and hosts more activities so if sides were chosen I am not sure how well DD would fare, but I did not say this). DD began making excuses such as she could not fit everyone in the car. I said we had always travelled in 2 cars before so that would not be an issue. She said the activity would work best with 5 people. I replied I would find somewhere that could host it for 6 if needed. I explained that friend would probably then not invite DD to her party and how would she feel. She said that's fine, they're not as close anymore. So I left the situation but it has been niggling me as invitations are due to go out after half term. I know she wont be fine.

OP posts:
Iloveblink182 · 20/02/2024 00:39

Would the other girls view it as nasty/ your DD not including this girl? Does this girl have a friend in the group who is her best friend? I would worry about not only the other girl not inviting your DD but other girls potentially cutting her out too if they are closer to the other girl.

At that age I was in a group of 6 but had one best friend. If one of the other girls had invited everyone but my best friend I’d have made a point of not inviting that girl to my birthday either. That’s just how teenagers are.

It’s your DD’s choice though ultimately.

MidnightSerenader · 20/02/2024 00:42

So your DD would be ‘crushed’ if the other girl did to her, what she is proposing to do to the other girl…..?

Surely that’s your answer.

What does your DD say when you say exactly that ^^ to her….?

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