Not inviting friends DD to party

[stripedrainbow]

I met DFriend at a toddler group and our DDs have always been close. They attended dancing together 2 times a week and regularly met up on weekends. This was usually at DFs house as my DH works from home. I would often attend as DF had become one of my closest friends. When the girls went to senior school last year I found them distancing. My DD said friends DD was leaving her out and becoming friendlier with other girls, who DD did not like. One day friends DD said something unkind to DD in front of the group of girls and made her feel small and ridiculed. After that they had a few other minor fall outs. DD is a sensitive child and would follow her friend around trying to fix it, when friend was asking to be left alone. I have since spoken to her about boundaries. They were still friends with a core group of girls but now the other girl had other friends too.

Fast forward to now. The girls are still friends but not close anymore. They no longer share lifts to dancing and do not socialise together. They do go to group events together and get along fine. It is DDs birthday next month and she is asking to not invite this girl to her party, but to invite all the other girls from the core group. I believe DD should be able to choose her own guest list but hate the idea of a child being left out. I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive. Also I have asked her to have a smaller party so it is not so obvious that shes leaving this girl out, but she has slimmed it down to still the core girls. This would be the first party in 8 years that one child has been left out from the core group. I am aware it will ruin my friendship with the mother. I already see her a lot less as our children no longer socialise or share car rides.

AIBU to say she cant leave the child out? WWYD?

Hate to break it to you but there is of course the possibility that you persuade your DD to invite this girl and then this girl still doesn’t invite your DD to her party because your DD was right and they’re not that friendly anymore. That would be a double blow.

She can’t have it both ways

to leave one person out of a core group is bully behaviour. She can’t then get upset if she gets left out

She said something unkind once and now she's a bully?

By those standards you'd be hard pressed to find someone who isn't a bully.

I think all you can do is make sure your DD understands the potential consequences of her actions (i.e. that she is opening a can of worms) as her rigid thinking doesn't suggest that she's properly thought it through. Not inviting this girl would be unkind, regardless of how this girl has been to DD, and would probably provoke a similar response.

I mean, yes, ideally this girl would learn a lesson ("You can't be unkind to people and expect to come to their parties") but in reality kids that age aren't very given to self-reflection. If this girl is in the stronger social position, it may be your DD learning the very uncomfortable lesson that actions have consequences that you can't always control.

Is she prepared to lose her friendship with the core group over this?

I’m normally of the let them choose camp but agree with others she needs to be guided as to the consequences going forward that’s quite a strong message.

That said shifting friendship groups is entirely normal at that age next birthday there may be entirely new faces. Both mine had been through two groups by year 9 when it seemed to settle. Both late secondary not one primary school friend in either of their close friendship groups.

We ended up with an intimate girls dinner for 20 last year as dd2 couldn’t bear for anyone to be left out of her birthday and is massively popular now. She still got sad faces from girls not invited who thought they should have been 🙄but I had to draw the line.

Is there a risk that the other girls decline the invite, because this girl is excluded?

@stripedrainbow

The politics of your child's friendship groups is a hard one to navigate, but at the end of the day, it's your daughter's birthday & she clearly doesn't want the other girl there.

I would say you need to respect that & just be honest with her about the potential implications. If she's no longer close to this girl, why are you worrying about her not being invited to her party when the time comes?

Sensitive or not, she's in yr8, so she's old enough to understand & deal with it all - with a bit of support if she needs it. These things always happen - especially with girls. (I'm a teen parent & a teacher)

It's a life lesson. Harsh sometimes but you can't avoid it or protect her from it.

I would try to invite the girl simply because the fall out is likely to be worse for your dd. However I would also be encouraging her over the coming year to have more individual friends both within and beyond this friendship group. Encourage her to befriend on an individual level others in the school. I think it is perhaps a little unusual for a primary school friendship group to be still so fixed. By next year she is likely to have a wider range of friends and then it is much easier to drop the girl she is less keen on because even if the original group are put out the other girl isn't invited her new friends won't care.

That's asking for trouble. My eldest is 14, so I know what teenage girls are like. If she doesn't invite her, it's going to start something. They're already civil, so is it worth it when it turns nasty when she finds out? As a result the group may break into two groups, or she could take the whole friendship group. I would either invite her, or just invite two girls. Friendships change so much around that age. Girls that age can turn really nasty.

Id normally let them choose. However...

To invite everyone but one will make your DD seem mean.

Reading between the lines it seems that the other girl has more sway in the group. So she won't invite DD back, other girls may not invite her to events and there is a risk they don't turn up at all in solidarity with their friend.

As a parent I'd do what I can to prevent this whilst encouraging DD to have a wider circle or friends.

There is no doubt that not inviting the girl will cause a big rift between girl and your daughter- If this girl is confident and extraverted like you say, whereas your daughter is quiet and sensitive, I’d say it’s likely that the friendship group will split in 2, with most of the girls following the louder and more confident girl. OBVIOUSLY not saying that’s fair but I do think that’s how it’s likely to go at their age.

also wtf re your DD being crushed if she’s not invited to girls birthday party after actively excluding only her from DDs 🤔

Hmm. Maybe really really spell it out for her, I quite like the stuffed toys idea if it makes it more concrete for her. Ask her to really envision it - ask lots of questions 'So Sally is handing out invites in the playground. She gives one to the other four, but nit to you. Everyone is looking at you, because they all knew that you were the only one not to be invited. How do you feel? How does your body feel? What do you want to say? Ok, so you say 'But I only didn't invite Sally because she was mean!' And Lizzy says 'Well, she wasn't as mean as you, what you did was worse!' And they all look cross and walk away from you, leaving you by yourself. How do you feel now? What will you do next? Sit by yourself during lunchtime, and read your book.

And also explain social politics a bit more (like people have done on this thread), that sometimes we compromise our preferences in order to get what we want, and that it can be hard to know when to do that or not.

If she's saying, it's ok, I have other people I want to make friends with, maybe it would be ok? But if she has a fantasy that other friend will be hurt and start being nicer to her, I'd really explore with her that that may not be realistic.

I think your dd should be encouraged to make new friends. I had no say once dc were teenagers over invites and friends

I would have one more go at trying to persuade her to invite this girl and if she refuses then leave it at that. If the girl doesn’t invite her back and your daughter is upset then so be it. It’s a life lesson for her. You can’t protect your kids against everything and at 13 she is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. With respect you seem very invested in her social life and friendships. Your concerns about the situation can make her more anxious about it all.

Op your daughter may not be a mean girl but this is mean girl behaviour.If she is sensitive it won't work the way she might be expecting or work out well for her -that is getting the 'core group' on her side and alienating the 1 child.Also wouldnt the other girls question her leaving their friend out and call her out?She would be better off inviting everyone or just 2 of them.

Seems like her reason to leaving her 'friend' out is because she hasn't been nice to her which is completely reasonable so it's like revenge to a 12/13 year old but

It will open a can of worms
It will mean she's the only one not invited to the 'friends' party when she has one
The core group will probably side with the 'friend'
She could risk ending up with no friends
And to be honest leaving one girl out is nasty. Just invite two friends or all of them

The last thing you want to teach your daughter is that she must prioritise the feelings of people who are cruel to her over her own feelings

You only need to read on here how that works out for women!!! How many of us are doormats? Chronic people pleasers incapable of standing up for ourselves? I spent half my life like that and it is not good for your mental health!

That said, as pp said, talk about the pros and cons of her options and help her make an informed decision.

The last thing you want to teach your daughter is that she must prioritise the feelings of people who are cruel to her over her own feelings

That’s very much your framing.

It’s not about prioritising the feelings of people who are ‘cruel’ over your own feelings - unless you frame it that way.

It could equally be about - considering and weighing up your own potential wins and losses in a situation, and making sure you get the win.

I’m not a people pleaser. But I absolutely would invite the 5th girl in this situation, because I wouldn’t want to throw my own medium-to-long-term social standing under the bus.

How has this girl been unkind? Has she been genuinely malicious, or is ‘unkind’ being defined here as ‘didn’t do what I wanted’? She expanded her friendship group and pulled back from an intense 1-on-1 friendship (the fact that OP had to pull her daughter aside and reinforce the importance of respecting boundaries does indeed suggest intensity), that does not make her a bully. Nor do a few terse comments to someone trying to dictate her social life.

It should be your daughter’s choice ultimately, but it’s likely to backfire. Is she going to be able to handle that and accept those consequences?

As an adult you end up inviting people to events you may not be thrilled about being there for the greater good. Unless the girl is a cruel bully your dd will lose more than she will gain by leaving her out.

Whatever you do or don't decide about this party, it sounds like this friendship has run its course. Lots of friendships drift apart at this age. It doesn't have to be a major hoo hah, just a natural progression.

You sound over invested in your DDs social life. Fair enough to remind her of the likely consequences of leaving someone out but then let her decide.

One possibility might be that the DF is making a habit of putting her down or excluding her within the group and she doesn't want her party ruined by this happening.

Also have you considered that parties are not an essential at this age?

Anyway, it sounds like a rift is coming sooner or later and your DD will have to navigate this. You can't do it for her.

I don't feel enough has been discussed with DD (or you've just not mentioned it here) about what the unkind behaviour was. On the one had its significant enough that DD doesn't want to invite her. On the other, they are still chatting, seemingly very regularly.

Of course it's fine and normal not to be as close as they once were, but to take the step to exclude just one person is a pretty big step. And if others in the groups haven't seen/don't agree/ that there has been meanness from the other girl, DD will be seen as the mean one for leaving the other girl out.

DD's feelings do matter, but at that age, they can be short termist and emotionally led, without awareness of consequences. It's also important to learn good manners, which is sometimes a balance of feelings.

If you can get to the bottom of the unkind/mean (sorry I can't recall how you described it) could you have a chat with the other mum about it? You've said you were good friends. Explain how DD is feeling. Even if not, I think you do have to explain what the implications could be to DD.

Spell out the potential longterm consequences very clearly, and let her make her own decision.

Dd2 is very socially adept a few years older year 10 and invited a girl she frankly doesn’t much like but who is firmly ensconced in her friendship group to keep things calm in the wider group. The girl declined Dd maintained the higher ground.

If you want to have your own party and invite the friend and her child, then do. Don't foist the girl on to your own DD particularly after the way that this girl has treated your DD.
Teach your DD to not have to wait for friendship scraps from this girls table. She has her own group of friends now in senior school and the girls are distancing themselves. It's not your job to try to 'fix' this.
Stop trying to be a people pleaser. You have to accept that your daughter doesn't want this girl around her any more. She probably tolerates her at dance but don't force it.