Not inviting friends DD to party

[stripedrainbow]

I met DFriend at a toddler group and our DDs have always been close. They attended dancing together 2 times a week and regularly met up on weekends. This was usually at DFs house as my DH works from home. I would often attend as DF had become one of my closest friends. When the girls went to senior school last year I found them distancing. My DD said friends DD was leaving her out and becoming friendlier with other girls, who DD did not like. One day friends DD said something unkind to DD in front of the group of girls and made her feel small and ridiculed. After that they had a few other minor fall outs. DD is a sensitive child and would follow her friend around trying to fix it, when friend was asking to be left alone. I have since spoken to her about boundaries. They were still friends with a core group of girls but now the other girl had other friends too.

Fast forward to now. The girls are still friends but not close anymore. They no longer share lifts to dancing and do not socialise together. They do go to group events together and get along fine. It is DDs birthday next month and she is asking to not invite this girl to her party, but to invite all the other girls from the core group. I believe DD should be able to choose her own guest list but hate the idea of a child being left out. I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive. Also I have asked her to have a smaller party so it is not so obvious that shes leaving this girl out, but she has slimmed it down to still the core girls. This would be the first party in 8 years that one child has been left out from the core group. I am aware it will ruin my friendship with the mother. I already see her a lot less as our children no longer socialise or share car rides.

AIBU to say she cant leave the child out? WWYD?

That's very much my framing?

Well yes. That's generally what opinions are.

I see both sides. DD is now at an age where she can choose to maintain or move away from friendships and should be able to choose who she invites. However, I think this will quickly snowball with retaliation from the the other girl e.g. not inviting DD out of spite and organising events just to exclude her. I think you need to really prepare DD for this (but remind her that friends like that aren't worth having anyway!).

DD is old enough to invite who she wants.

Friendships change and evolve a lot at that age. It's no-ones fault particularly. If she wants to not invite "friend", then so be it. I also would worry about the other mum. I'm sure she's heard her own things about the relationship, and neither of you seem to be falling over yourselves to maintain a friendship outside of the girls, so who cares?

I would let DD choose but ensure she understands the consequences.
To leave just one girl out of a group is incredibly mean and spiteful, and may well be the start of not only this other girl, but the rest of the group doing exactly the same to her. What goes around comes around so make sure she has incredibly thick skin to deal with it.

When I was 18, I was the only girl of our core school friendship group not invited to one of the group's 18th birthday party. I was very hurt indeed.

It still hurts - we will all be 66 this year.

Sorry, but your daughter is being deliberately spiteful. She’s hurt that other friend has moved on, and is looking for a way to express that. This will backfire on her. Her friends will choose sides, and if your daughter is as sensitive as you say she is, she’s fucked.

I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive

She’s 13, not 3! She can’t exclude the other girl from her party and then be devastated when the girl excludes her from her party!

If dd did react like this then I don’t think she’d be sensitive, she’d be seen as spoilt.

In any case, excluding one girl from a group is mean and likely to backfire on dd, as you’ve predicted. Tell dd either invite all or just choose 2.

This is a difficult one as that age they make and break friends etc. I think excluding one child from a group of 5 isn't good and expect that be the end of the friendship and dd won't be invited again to any parties but then can see why dd doesn't want her in the group. Could the party be changed slightly so it just dd and one or two rather than the four....less obvious then....sorry op neither situation is right.

I think you are veering into anxiety here Op. You have been a helpful guide to your daughter - explaining likely outcomes of moving on from an old friend - she has nodded, listened and said she is happy to accept the consequences!

YOu have even said it's not the other child's feelings you are worried about as she won't care! so - you are worried about your own daughter even though your own daughter isn't the one being left out.

I think you are bringing adult level issues in here - so what if your daughter learns a lesson from this - she clearly has lots of friends and is mature enough to feel very clearly she doesn't want this particular friend involved.

I think at a certain point you have to step back and let her make decisions and live with the consequences - you seem very very overly anxious about a pretty normal decision.

You have decided that another girl wouldn’t be upset to be left out, which is strange because I think even most adult women would find it very upsetting to not be invited to an activity with their usual group of friends. But you are worried about your own daughter being left out in retaliation, which hasn’t even happened yet and if it did would frankly be her own fault. You describe your daughter as sensitive, she doesn’t seem sensitive to me based on this. I am not sure what the word is for somebody that would do to someone else what they would be devastated about were it done to them but it’s not sensitive. You surely need to have a good talk to her about this.

You need to let them fight their battles in senior and a core group of kids from primary don't necessarily remain that way through senior school. Excluding 1 of the 5 may fracture that group of 5 which is likely to be uncomfortable for a bit but will eventually hopefully settle.

My DD was one of a tight group of 3 but wanted to make new friends which one of the 3 struggled with. There was a bad term where DD was always upset and |I couldn't quite work out what the problem was. She and this friend argued. I only had one side of the story but eventually my DD was able to vocalise not wanting to be child 3s friend anymore. She lost both of those 2 friends but made new friends and now spends some time also with child 2. It was a real growing up moment but it wasn't nice for anyone.

In this case I'd warn your DD of the likely outcome of excluding friend 5 and if she still wants to do it I'd let her. Then just be there to offer love and support if it causes ructions for a bit. It will evenutally settle to a new normal and hopefully your DD will be just as happy or happier and will have learned something.

I remember a case where this happened - it didn’t affect mine as it was a girls’ party but it caused some trouble in the class. Most of the invitees went to the second party as they hadn’t already said yes to the first and the parents disapproved of the exclusion of one from the first invite.

You need to explain to your DD that the other mother might well arrange something and invite at least one of the others if she is very angry.

She should not leave just one girl out - it would be better to take one or two on a small event. And keep it quiet for as long as possible.

While I agree in principle at this age your DD gets to choose, I’d be cautious that this isn’t an attempt to start bullying the other girl.

You know your daughter but at this age they’re still learning about how to empathise, manage emotions and manage relationships. If you have a talk with her and she still insists then it might be best to let her assume the consequences, however unpleasant they may be.

It is hard. I feel for you.

But i wouldn't leave one child out. I think that would be awful and you would look very spiteful. I would take the higher ground and invite the girl. Its your daughter's birthday and she'll be the star on the day. Rise above it.

The party will last a couple of hours but if you choose to exclude one girl, the ramifications will last for years, if the girls continue to attend the same school.

Your DD is doing this out of spite - from what you have written, she is as far from being a people pleaser as it's possible to be, so you really don't need to worry about that.

The other girl made some new friends, who your DD didn't like straight off - did she get to know them at all? Did she try to get to know them or did she just try to peel her friend away from them?

I think what mean thing the other girl said is important too, as it will give a clue to the underlying dynamic. It's possible your DD wasn't behaving well and needed to be told. If the new friends had done nothing to DD, yet she was bitching about them to this friend, making her feel stuck in the middle and the girl told her to do one, then that is just a consequence to the bitching. Do you know much about the lead up or did a previously lovely girl and great friend just say something mean out of nowhere?

The fact they have moved past it is the only thing that hints of maturity, on both girls parts, in the whole post. The not inviting is spiteful and right back into babyish territory.

I would say to your DD that she is welcome to be spiteful and mean but that there will be consequences to that with being left out in future. That you are disappointed in her and have your own friendship with the mum to worry about, so if she wants to be mean then she can sort her own party out without you. She needs to actually think about the consequences, to try and get one up on someone she will be upsetting the other girls in the group, the other girl, you, the other mum and herself longer term.

Thank you everyone for your replies, lot to think about here. In answer to some of your questions;

The other girl is not a bully. She was showing off to her new friends and used my daughter as the punchline. Some off hand comments and belittling. Asking in front of a group my daughters scores as she knew hers were higher then laughing. Asking about holidays and family things she knew would appear below her own and laughing. My DDs name always being the punchline to things. DD asked me not to speak to the girls mother as they were such small things that it seemed petty and they could easily be denied. We discussed how she could deal with it herself and she did. I do not think it was bullying - I think it was a 12 year old girl turning a corner and trying to impress her new friends. It did not last long and DD did stand up for herself and spoke back to the girl. DD is very naive and did not help the situation. She spoke to friend about the behaviour directly and friend said it was not intentional and asked for some time apart. DD panicked and did not leave her alone. She did not contact her out of school but would essentially follow her around at breaks and try to pair up with her in school. DD was already very insecure that her friend was moving on from the group with her new friends and handled it badly. It was just two pre-teens handling things very badly and navigating life. They had been very involved in each others lives from a young age.

In regards to me saying the other child would not feel left out, I do believe this. She mentally checked out from the primary school group. She now sits on the fence when they suggest meeting up and only does things with them if she is not busy with her new friends. I am happy she is asserting herself and making a new group and have encouraged DD to widen her circle of friends. If DD did not get the part she wanted in the dance show she will be down for a few days and sad, then come back training harder and wanting to improve herself. The other girl does not appear to care. Her own mum says this. She just continued as normal. Its not a criticism, just the truth. She is very confident and does not often dwell on things, she just continues forward. I have seen her shrug off bad test results, not being chosen for things and more over the years.

I do not believe the other parent would purposely plan an event to overshadow DDs but on the other hand I do not know as we have never been in this situation. A lot of the guesswork revolves around how the other child will react. Which I believe she won't actually mind but then will not invite DD back but I do not know.

Finally, yes DD would be crushed. She cannot think that's acceptable to leave someone out then be upset herself but at the end of the day she is 12. These are all very big feelings for her and she is small. I personally think if you do it to other people they have the right to do it back. DD says she would be fine but I know her and I know her reactions to things. She tends to not attach feelings to decisions. Her own or others. So she will do something because she feels it is right. She knows this girl was not very nice therefore the girl should not be invited. I am currently working on this with her but she is 12 and we have never been through this before. She will make a decision without feeling, just based on the facts. The girl shouldn't be invited. She would be fine if its done back as she did it first. She would never expect to be invited back. But she would also not expect her friends to chat about it or the feelings she would have. She is not considering her own feelings or future here. But, as an adult, I can see the bigger picture.

To the person who said I was over invested and anxious - yes I am. I remember being a teenage girl. While I do not think the girls involved here are malicious at all, I simply do not know. The horror stories you hear about bullying are enough to make me very anxious and not want my daughter to rock the boat. But on the other side of the coin not to be a doormat. Which is why I am asking advice from other women who may have had similar experiences. Teenage girls can be vicious. This worries me greatly. I would not go back to being a teenager and navigating life for anything.

I think, at this point, I am going to suggest DD invites all 5 or just the 1 single friend in the group. I feel this will also make waves but is not targeting one person or inviting half of a pair of friends (the core group was 2 x 2 plus 1 single). Thank you all for your advice.

Your DD wants to isolate one child from her party. I'm sorry but that's not a sensitive child.

This is really tricky op. I think the ultimate question is: does dd want to improve her friendship with her? If she doesn't, having read the details about the other girl's behaviour, I would say don't invite her.

Hmm. You can be true to yourself and quite literal in your approach by not inviting because the friend has displeased your Dd Can be a lonely path though - my neighbours Dd was like that - very rigid if a friend did something she didn’t like she would say so. She ended up with no friends by 6th form.

@AntiHop I have encouraged her to make the first move at a closer friendship with the girl. Invite her for lunch or out shopping. She says she likes the calm between them now and does not want to go back to a situation where she is made to feel belittled and in the firing line. But she does not want to give up on the friendship all together. We were happy in the situation, knowing that friendships change and civil is fine. Its just this next step I am unhappy to take as I feel there's no going back and its targeting a child which will then have ramifications. I am unsure if DD does want to be closer friends or if she just does not want the upheaval and unknown of a new friendship group for herself.

OP, have you considered how your daughter will feel if you push her to include the friend's DD and your daughter isn't invited to friend's DD's party?

If the friend is self excluding from the core primary group and isn't fussed to hang out with them unless she doesn't have a better offer then I think your dd is fine to invite those she remains closest to.

It does sound as though the friend has been unkind, though agree your DD didn't initially handle it well with the following her around. A bit of distance and pursuing other friendships while remaining friendly and not excluding the other from larger activities sounds sensible.

Agree with this. It’s the fact that all the rest of the core group are invited and 1 not. Would be different if friends DD was not part of core group. It’s great giving DD autonomy, but she may not understand what is in her best interests moving forward.

They will likely definitely drift naturally anyway but not inviting her is a bridge burned. Your Dd is entitled to do that but needs to accept the consequences.