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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting friends DD to party

98 replies

stripedrainbow · 19/02/2024 23:57

I met DFriend at a toddler group and our DDs have always been close. They attended dancing together 2 times a week and regularly met up on weekends. This was usually at DFs house as my DH works from home. I would often attend as DF had become one of my closest friends. When the girls went to senior school last year I found them distancing. My DD said friends DD was leaving her out and becoming friendlier with other girls, who DD did not like. One day friends DD said something unkind to DD in front of the group of girls and made her feel small and ridiculed. After that they had a few other minor fall outs. DD is a sensitive child and would follow her friend around trying to fix it, when friend was asking to be left alone. I have since spoken to her about boundaries. They were still friends with a core group of girls but now the other girl had other friends too.

Fast forward to now. The girls are still friends but not close anymore. They no longer share lifts to dancing and do not socialise together. They do go to group events together and get along fine. It is DDs birthday next month and she is asking to not invite this girl to her party, but to invite all the other girls from the core group. I believe DD should be able to choose her own guest list but hate the idea of a child being left out. I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive. Also I have asked her to have a smaller party so it is not so obvious that shes leaving this girl out, but she has slimmed it down to still the core girls. This would be the first party in 8 years that one child has been left out from the core group. I am aware it will ruin my friendship with the mother. I already see her a lot less as our children no longer socialise or share car rides.

AIBU to say she cant leave the child out? WWYD?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 20/02/2024 00:44

@stripedrainbow- if she is adamant that she's not inviting the girl, then I suppose you need to support that. If she genuinely understands that she will potentially be excluded not only from a single birthday party. But also multiple social events as she and her family host more, sleepovers, etc, and that she's good with that, then all you can do is support her if it changes the make up of the group and she is then excluded. I agree it's about keeping a strategic friendship, not about being a pushover- I invite people to events not because we are great friends, but because not to would be noted and would curtail some of my invites- people I'm not close to, but don't have an objection to. It's so hard! I'd probably push for the girl to come- because I don't think your daughter has even slightly realised how far her exclusion could occur- but also you want to support your kids making their own decisions!

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:46

@Iloveblink182 I do not know how the other girls would perceive it in all honesty. They all appear to get on equally but I don't know. I suppose it depends on how the other girl reacts. If she is very upset they may well choose sides. She is not a very emotional child though and very little appears to bother her, so I imagine she wouldn't be overly fussed. DD was her best friend. Now I would say she is equal friends to them all. She has not singled out any other girls to do events with, neither has DD. They are either now as a group or don't see one another.

Can I ask what would you do if it was your DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:51

@MidnightSerenader I asked how she would feel if friend had a party and she was not invited and she just returned to the fact she was not nice to her and she wouldn't mind not going, they're not close anymore. But its easy to say that. I feel the unknown of the situation may be more than DD expects. Everyone may fall out with her and she may end up not invited to anything. Or the group may splinter once DD does it and she may end up on her own.

OP posts:
MidnightSerenader · 20/02/2024 00:51

I invite people to events not because we are great friends, but because not to would be noted and would curtail some of my invites- people I'm not close to, but don't have an objection to.

Absolutely this - I do, too.

There’s one or two people in our wider circle that I’m not particular close to, but for the bigger get-togethers, I do include them, because as @SD1978 says, it would be noticed if I didn’t, and would potentially harm the social equilibrium, in terms of return invites.

If it were my DD, I’d just explain it that way, that not only will it be noticed that you’ve excluded X, but it might be talked about. You might be judged. And it might impact on future invitations that you get.

And in all honesty, in a group social situation, it’s perfectly easy to avoid the people you don’t particularly want to chat to!

thebestinterest · 20/02/2024 00:54

It’s your daughters relationship to navigate, op. Trust that you’ve raised her to make good decisions.

Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:55

@SD1978 you have listed every single thing going through my head. It feels so wrong teaching a 12 year old about strategic invitations though as it feels so calculated. But it's part of life. I feel the after effect of her choices will come back to haunt her. I would rather she not be the one to make this decision and leave it to the other girl. DD just sees the black and white of the situation and not the potential grey areas. I want to save her from it but also let her know her opinions matter and she can make her own choices. As a teenage girl I would not like to be facing fall outs.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:59

@thebestinterest unfortunately this is something weighing on my mind. I have brought DD up to stand up for herself and not be bullied or have people belittle her. To not be friends with people who aren't very nice to her. So to now tell her to invite someone she doesn't particularly like anymore, or she will find herself ostracised feels like a complete flip on everything I have always taught her. If left to her she would not invite the girl because the girl was not very nice to her a while ago. But I fear she has never had to deal with the consequences of actions and it may come back to haunt her. As adults we are all polite to the rude inlaw or boss, because we want to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 01:00

It may feel like I am arguing against the people saying to let DD choose but please be assured that is not the case. I am definitely in the invite her camp but am taking all your opinions on board and they are helping me see the other side. I just need to feel comfortable in my decision as it could cast a long shadow. All opinions are welcome and helpful.

OP posts:
NWBrown · 20/02/2024 01:12

Your child is free to do what she wants. However, I would talk through the possible unintended consequences of her choice. She may not get an invite back, she wont be bothered now but when they are are discussing what they are doing and the brilliant time they had at the other girls party... One or more of the other girls or parents may perceive it to be spiteful and not actually attend the party or invite your daughter to their parties. This may then be the final nail in the coffin for the friendship group, which may then fracture. Are you sure your daughters friendships are strong enough with the other girls for her not to come off worse here?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/02/2024 01:13

Have you said the words out loud “If you don’t invite her she will probably not invite you going forward… that may limit you in the future if all of your other friends are invited to hers, your choice, but you may regret it in the future”?

She is old enough to think about social consequences.

I do think she should have the final say…but let’s be honest kids at this age can miss the big picture.

At the end of the day though I would leave it up to her.

This doesn’t have to affect your friendship with the other kids mum though. Surely you are both able to see past two kids growing apart?

changedagain67543 · 20/02/2024 01:38

I was struggling to follow this as on the one hand they don't socialise but on the other you said I am aware the other child may then leave DD out of her own party arrangements, and know DD would be crushed as she is very sensitive

Being left out happened to me in year 8 and it was f'ing horrible.

I would not do it, sorry OP. None of what you said sounds strong enough to do that to someone when you say your own DC would be crushed.

HollyKnight · 20/02/2024 01:47

If you are going to let your DD decide, then it is your duty to make sure she understands what the consequences of her decision might be. This includes not being invited to this friend's party, and potentially being left out of some of the others if they or their parents think you and your daughter were cruel to isolate one child. If you think she is too young to understand this, then you need to be the one to make the decision.

MissTrip82 · 20/02/2024 01:58

Sounds like a good time to explore that being sensitive isn't really a thing if the only feelings you're sensitive to are your own......

Generally I'd think it's fine to pick her own invitation list. But leaving one person out of a small group and likely feeling terrible if the same happened to her would really give me pause.

user1492757084 · 20/02/2024 02:11

Invite the fifth girl.
Teach your daughter that she can't be rude.
Girls have small tiffs all the time so it will give DD a chance to get along fine with her old friend. It is a core group so the others will all wonder what is going on with the girl and your DD. DD doesn't need gossip about her.

Inviting the final girl will also enable you to observe how the relationship is going and whether it is the right time to start having birthdays with just one or two friends for a while.

SE13Mummy · 20/02/2024 02:40

Ordinarily I'd absolutely say a child should get to pick who they celebrate their birthday with but this feels a bit different. Your DD seems to be very rigid in her thinking about how DF has wronged her and how their loss of closeness means she shouldn't be invited yet doesn't have the maturity to see the consequences for her own role in the wider friendship group should she do this. Y8 can be a tricky time for friendships and your DD won't be able to undo the shared experience she deliberately excluded one of the core group from, nor will she be able to expect the rest of the group to be flexible in their response to her given how rigid she's been with DF.

I'd be inclined to sit her down with some lego figures/stuffed animals or something that represents the core group and get her to help you role play their responses to DF being left out. Use one of the core group friends as the first person to leave DD out, "because she doesn't think of us as a group anymore or she'd have invited DF...". Perhaps by shifting the focus away from DF and more to the likelihood the rest of the group will find her hard to trust, she will be able to look at things differently.

Snisel · 20/02/2024 03:06

OP I had similar recently. Not the exact same situation but a friend was being petty and inconsiderate and I had to choose whether to indulge her or stand my ground. Ultimately I chose to indulge her. Not because I’m a pushover but because it’s in my own best interests to do so. It’s in my best interests to maintain the structure of that friendship for other reasons, regardless of the specific individual and her character flaws.

Your daughter’s situation reminds me of this. She has a robust structure with the group right now. This may serve her well as she begins her time at her new school. I would probably encourage her to look at the big picture and what will give her the smoothest school life. Yes, she may be justified in not wanting the other girl there, but these things aren’t black or white. Her feelings on this may fade into an insignificant niggle compared with the future benefits of maintaining the group as a support structure.

ultimately it’s her decision but I would encourage her to think from this wider and future perspective. Hope this helps.

Somanystupidpeople · 20/02/2024 03:08

I think your dd should only choose max 2 people so it's not obvious she's leaving out the fifth girl. What type of mean thing did the girl say to your dd and was this a one off? Does your dd not like the girl because of the mean comments or because the girl has friends outside the primary school group? It's a totally normal thing to branch out and make new friends and maybe your dd should do this too.

Josette77 · 20/02/2024 03:40

I think it is interesting that while your DD is sensitive, she doesn't seem sensitive to other people's feelings.

Not only the child left out, but the other girls in the group who are now in an awkward position.

She may very well find herself with zero invitations if they feel she is asking them to choose between her and the other girl.

thebestinterest · 20/02/2024 03:41

stripedrainbow · 20/02/2024 00:59

@thebestinterest unfortunately this is something weighing on my mind. I have brought DD up to stand up for herself and not be bullied or have people belittle her. To not be friends with people who aren't very nice to her. So to now tell her to invite someone she doesn't particularly like anymore, or she will find herself ostracised feels like a complete flip on everything I have always taught her. If left to her she would not invite the girl because the girl was not very nice to her a while ago. But I fear she has never had to deal with the consequences of actions and it may come back to haunt her. As adults we are all polite to the rude inlaw or boss, because we want to keep the peace.

If she doesn’t want her there, then I’m afraid her decision needs to be respected. I was once in her shoes…. Really good friends with 2 other girls and when one decided she didn’t like me anymore (her sister and my uncle were dating and had broken up), she became incredibly mean to me. My other friend just stood there and decided to not rock the boat. One is no longer a friend and the other I kept at arms length. Still civil, but things are different.

If the other girls in your dds friends group decide to exclude dd, then she’ll just have to learn this is life. There are better friends out there! I wouldn’t invite someone from a friendship group that had ridiculed me. Not a chance.

thebestinterest · 20/02/2024 03:43

Josette77 · 20/02/2024 03:40

I think it is interesting that while your DD is sensitive, she doesn't seem sensitive to other people's feelings.

Not only the child left out, but the other girls in the group who are now in an awkward position.

She may very well find herself with zero invitations if they feel she is asking them to choose between her and the other girl.

No one is in an awkward position. The girl is being excluded because she’s a bully.

Fraaahnces · 20/02/2024 04:06

My concern would be that the mum of other girl would be pissed off and arrange an alternative party for the same time. Then DD would be quite likely left high and dry.

dinomirror · 20/02/2024 04:20

Op, kindly i think its time for you to step back a bit. Dd gets to choose. Give her the info as to why you think she should invite her but reiterate that it's her choice. She will have to suffer any consequences as she is old enough now

Noicant · 20/02/2024 05:05

I think it’s complicated, your DD could exclude her but she may find herself falling out of favour with her other friends and completely sidelined at some point if she does that.

Playingchesswithpigeons · 20/02/2024 05:43

To daughter " you know you are welcome and it's your choice to not invite the girl. You do realise, if you choose not to invite her, that she will no longer invite you to any of her parties" " you may regret your choice later. What do you think?...

ImaginaryCat · 20/02/2024 05:51

At 13 she's absolutely old enough to have the consequences laid out to her clearly and then make her own decision. Does she understand what the fallout will be? What does she say about that?