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Original poster

Did I over react - world book day

105 replies

LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:35

I don’t want to drip feed so it maybe a long post. This actually happened a few years ago now but came up in conversation with a friend today when we were discussing the upcoming world book day.

DD now in year 5 was in year 2 at the time. She has always had complex medical needs when I say complex I mean IVs at home daily including 12 hour infusions etc open heart surgery, and other complex issues.
at the time world book day was coming around DD had unfortunately been too poorly to attend school and had been in hospital for months without really much end in sight. She wasn’t one to win awards for anything like sports day, star of the week and also wasn’t allowed to be apart of the end of school trip list because of her attendance - I never ever kicked off about any of this just so you know it isn’t like I expect her to get awards for things that she doesn’t excel in.
anyway the week before world book day I had gone to the school to pick up some work and spoke to her teacher and senco. I bought up that DD was working really hard on her costume in her cubicle and it was helping her a lot with the trauma going on at the time, she was doing better but recovering from a very well near fatal infection which meant she has gone through a lot of different things including theatre trips / transfusions as she had been septic.
I told them that I don’t know if they will allow her to come to the world book day assembly but I was going to ask the doctors and if not I would send a picture of her in her WBD costume to the senco email.
fast forward to WBD, the doctors had decided that she could leave for an hour to go to the assembly as long as we took a taxi as she had lines etc in her arm.
I had emailed a picture the day before also.
we arrive and the TA took her in to assembly and dropped her back off to me in reception after. DD looked heart broken I could see it straight away.
when the TA left she started the cry and I asked what was wrong and she said “ I really wanted a bookmark for my costume “
she isn’t spoilt or one for always winning in fact she never had won anything in her time at the school and usually accepted it well.
the receptionists were a bit shocked that she had not won in her class as there wasn’t very many home made costumes and said hers was one of the best they had seen.
she was still crying when the TA came back in to reception, saw she was upset and said why is she upset I explained and her reply had upset me because it wasn’t a “ oh sorry but the other child’s costume was better “- I feel like I would of still been like would it have killed you to give her a bookmark 😅 but would have probably accepted it.
instead she said “ she couldn’t be judged because she wasn’t in school this morning “

I was like but we knew this and I sent the email of the picture, why on earth couldn’t she have been judged.
she then went on to explain that it was the rules and she was only here for the assembly not this morning.

so I did get a bit upset about this I didn’t shout or stuck around to argue because DD was due surgery the next day and wanted to get her back to the hospital to rest asap.
I was visibly annoyed though.
I did not see her class teacher during this only has conversation with the teacher assistant.
I didn’t say anything about the teacher I just said I think it was unfair that the school had known the situation and she was refused to be allowed to be included in the competition.

the next day DD was due to have surgery that afternoon and the school knew this.
In the morning the head teacher called me in as a matter of urgency. when I got to the school he called me in the office and did not wish DD well etc but it was tell me off about my attitude towards world book day and that her class teacher ( who I had never saw ) was left crying and willing to quite teaching because it was very draining having a child as complex in her class and that we needed to “ dehumanise “ DD
I would like to add in the time she had been DD teacher she had not been in class for 65 percent of the time and I had probably had 2 short conversations with her and neither were about DD having problems in the class or anything like that.
I lost the plot at this point and argued with the head teacher, stormed out and told them she wouldn’t be returning.
she did eventually find a new school and has been there since with no arguments.
the local authority however had blamed me for the break down of communication and when we got the new school made comments like “ this new school you have to try and build a good relationship with “
the new school are absolutely great and even make sure if she can’t get an attendance award she gets a no unauthorised absence award etc 😂

I know it must sound so petty now looking back and it wasn’t about her winning it was about her not being allowed to be apart of it if that makes sense.

I think back now the whole school swapping like maybe it was a bit of hasty reaction 😅

OP posts:
Topofthemountain · 19/02/2024 20:40

Of course you didn't over react, hauling you in on the morning of her surgery was appalling.

I am pleased that she is happily settled at another school who are fully supporting her.

Neodymium · 19/02/2024 20:41

thats so sad. Your poor dd. The teacher was a narcissist and obviously liked to make everything about her. My kids have had teachers like that I honestly don’t know why they go into teaching.

I am a teacher and there is no way I would ever treat a child like that and then cry about it to get sympathy.

moving schools was the right decision.

Hullabalooza · 19/02/2024 20:42

They sound like they handled it badly. But in possible mitigating circumstances, was the school set up for children with such complex needs? If so, very unreasonable. If it was a mainstream primary, then I suspect lack of foresight and mild incompetence was to blame rather than wilful exclusion.

I hope now you’ve found somewhere better, this can fade away into the background and that your dd has a positive school life ahead of her

Hullabalooza · 19/02/2024 20:43

Hullabalooza · 19/02/2024 20:42

They sound like they handled it badly. But in possible mitigating circumstances, was the school set up for children with such complex needs? If so, very unreasonable. If it was a mainstream primary, then I suspect lack of foresight and mild incompetence was to blame rather than wilful exclusion.

I hope now you’ve found somewhere better, this can fade away into the background and that your dd has a positive school life ahead of her

Sorry, just to say I’m responding to the bookmark part of the post, not the batshit head teacher’s follow up response.

Penguinfeet24 · 19/02/2024 20:44

How can I put this.... If that was me I would probably be doing time by now. I think you were extremely restrained.

Hercisback · 19/02/2024 20:46

It all sounds very fraught.

None of us were there to see how you came across. You openly admit it wasn't your finest hour.

To you, your DD is obviously the world. But the teacher has 30 other children in the class. Parental complaints can be a straw that breaks the back of a good teacher. Especially if the teacher is trying their best to juggle 30 children's needs.

I'm not saying the head was right to speak to you like they did.

It sounds like the new school is time for you to let it go.

YireosDodeAver · 19/02/2024 20:47

Sounds like the school had a totally shitty attitude towards a sick child. Glad you moved her to a different school.

Cardiganwearer · 19/02/2024 20:48

Did they really say they had to dehumanise your DD? What on earth did they mean? What happened was absolutely shocking and I’m so sorry they treated your DD like that.

Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:49

@Hercisback i never even saw her teacher so 100 percent didn’t say anything to her. I was upset but not shouting I just said I thought it was wrong and left. I was probably there for a minute max.
the next day however I did lose my cool and I really did react as in we had a full blown argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:50

@Cardiganwearer when the senco rang me a few days later to try to rectify the situation and said about the dehumanise situation she said he used it in the wrong context 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:52

I should also add I haven’t thought about it and like it’s not something that crosses my mind daily.

it came up today because myself and a friend was talking about world book day costumes and she laughed and said I hope it doesn’t turn in to ww3 again … it was actually a very traumatic time because the local authority has tried to make us stay and fix things but the relationship was so far gone at this point that the next 6 months was emotionally draining until it was finally decided that the situation was never going to get any better.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 19/02/2024 20:54

The school let you and your child down. Can’t go on the school trip because she’s sick in hospital is just disgraceful. Doesn’t matter if it’s attendance based. She can’t help being so ill she’s in hospital most of the year!
The world book day thing I would have absolutely lost it at the TA , the teacher, the head any anyone else in my path. They should be ashamed and I hope the teacher did quit teaching because frankly she’s a fucking shit teacher and a shit human to boot. I’m glad you have a more supportive school now

Hercisback · 19/02/2024 20:56

The feedback will have got back to the teacher though. Not saying the head was right, 'dehumanising' your DD is an awful thing to say.

I can see why the head felt the need to have some sort of conversation. It's difficult from all sides, complex needs in an under resourced classroom is tricky. The teacher may not have seen the email yet. Sounds like a 'sorry' and certificate would have been a good idea.

BrutusMcDogface · 19/02/2024 20:56

You definitely did the right thing moving her. They sound like complete jobsworths. I’m glad she’s being looked after now, and I hope she’s in good health.

Cardiganwearer · 19/02/2024 20:57

LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:50

@Cardiganwearer when the senco rang me a few days later to try to rectify the situation and said about the dehumanise situation she said he used it in the wrong context 🙈

Nice bit of back peddling there! A headteacher should be able to use words in the correct “context”, no? I’m appalled.

Hercisback · 19/02/2024 20:57

They should be ashamed and I hope the teacher did quit teaching because frankly she’s a fucking shit teacher and a shit human to boot.

Huge disagree here. How do you know anything about the teacher beyond this one incident?

She may not have even seen the email yet.

The head sounds awful. The classroom teacher and TA haven't really done anything wrong.

Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 20:57

I know I think it all comes back in my head now that I’m looking at secondary schools because there was so much weekly trauma from school until we found the perfect one in the end that it absolutely panics me 🥹 wish she could just stay where she was !

OP posts:
WhoaJayShettybambalam · 19/02/2024 20:58

Bloody hell! That’s disgusting. I’m glad that you moved her.
My nephew has ongoing medical problems and his school are issuing warnings about his absences when in hospital receiving treatment. Dicks.

wafflingworrier · 19/02/2024 20:59

I think both you and the school were unreasonable.
I think you were, understandably, under an incredible amount of stress and this affected your reaction. From your point of view, your daughter should have got an award and it must have been heartbreaking for her.
I can also see the school's point of view though, teachers have tough skins and so do headteachers, it sounds like from their perspective you ranted and raved at them, and no matter the circumstances this is not OK actually, people have a right to work without this kind of behaviour from anyone.
Your daughter was also one of many, if there is a school of, say, 100 children, what message does it send if the rules are bent/broken for one child above all others? There will have been other families going through real hardship too eg domestic abuse/neglect/health care stuff/family deaths etc. Which you didn't know about.
So, from your perspective as a mum of course your daughter should have got the award. But I think you need to also accept the school will have had a different perspective based on the context of your daughter within the whole school community, which isn't a perspective you will ever have been able to appreciate for obvious reasons.

I hope your daughter is OK now and am glad she has made a positive start in a new school, I hope this year's world book day goesbetter but maybe don't assume your daughter will get a prize?!

Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 21:00

The email is neither there or here though the email was in case she couldn’t make it to assembly - I sent a picture in of her I’m her costume.
there is no reason when she arrived for assembly which I had told them I would do if possible the week before that they couldn’t have just let her be judged, she was there in her costume.
I also don’t think the teacher is a bad person for what it’s worth - I think the respone from the head is what caused the final argument.
it could of been a simple we are sorry “
sarah “
it was overlooked here’s a book mark seen as there was a whole box full.

OP posts:
Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 21:02

Just to clarify - I did not want her to win the award, I also did not rant at the teacher at all - I didn’t have any contact with the teacher.
the following day when I was called in I did react to the head.
but I did not raise my voice at WBD i dof not swear or cry or anything of the sort
the next day I cried my eyes out in front of them and told them I didn’t want their school placement - which I admit.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 19/02/2024 21:03

Fuck that.

I'd have 'dehumanised' the headteacher I'm afraid. I hope you gave him the bollocking of his life.

The teacher sounds like she felt guilty more than anything, if she did genuinely react that way and it wasn't the head talking even more shite. In which case perhaps she should have considered that BEFORE excluding your DD from the only thing she'd managed to try to be involved in, rather than getting all defensive and dramatic after the fact and trying to get the upper hand as the injured party over a seriously ill 7 year old. Ffs.

Mintchocco · 19/02/2024 21:03

wafflingworrier · 19/02/2024 20:59

I think both you and the school were unreasonable.
I think you were, understandably, under an incredible amount of stress and this affected your reaction. From your point of view, your daughter should have got an award and it must have been heartbreaking for her.
I can also see the school's point of view though, teachers have tough skins and so do headteachers, it sounds like from their perspective you ranted and raved at them, and no matter the circumstances this is not OK actually, people have a right to work without this kind of behaviour from anyone.
Your daughter was also one of many, if there is a school of, say, 100 children, what message does it send if the rules are bent/broken for one child above all others? There will have been other families going through real hardship too eg domestic abuse/neglect/health care stuff/family deaths etc. Which you didn't know about.
So, from your perspective as a mum of course your daughter should have got the award. But I think you need to also accept the school will have had a different perspective based on the context of your daughter within the whole school community, which isn't a perspective you will ever have been able to appreciate for obvious reasons.

I hope your daughter is OK now and am glad she has made a positive start in a new school, I hope this year's world book day goesbetter but maybe don't assume your daughter will get a prize?!

This isn't the problem, the problem is that the school were aware of OPs daughters situation, knew she had gone to a lot of effort to make her outfit during a very challenging time and didn't allow her to be included in the competition at all - she had no chance of winning a prize anyway.

Anyone with a heart would bend the "rules" in these circumstances and tbh, any school that was so petty is not a school I'd want my kids at anyway.

Original poster
LankyCranky32 · 19/02/2024 21:04

@wafflingworrier I am confused - I didn’t want her to get an award 😂 she has had 3 world book days in the new school and hasn’t won them but she was able to be judged.

OP posts:
wafflingworrier · 19/02/2024 21:05

Gymmum82 · 19/02/2024 20:54

The school let you and your child down. Can’t go on the school trip because she’s sick in hospital is just disgraceful. Doesn’t matter if it’s attendance based. She can’t help being so ill she’s in hospital most of the year!
The world book day thing I would have absolutely lost it at the TA , the teacher, the head any anyone else in my path. They should be ashamed and I hope the teacher did quit teaching because frankly she’s a fucking shit teacher and a shit human to boot. I’m glad you have a more supportive school now

Because she didn't give a child a wold book day prize? Wow. That is a really mean comment and totally unnecessary. Teachers can never win. A parent could equally have complained if the "sick child" was given "special treatment" and favoured despite her costume not being as good. You do see that, don't you? That there are other children in a school and teachers have to balance the needs OF THEM ALL?