Did I over react - world book day

[LankyCranky32]

I don’t want to drip feed so it maybe a long post. This actually happened a few years ago now but came up in conversation with a friend today when we were discussing the upcoming world book day.

DD now in year 5 was in year 2 at the time. She has always had complex medical needs when I say complex I mean IVs at home daily including 12 hour infusions etc open heart surgery, and other complex issues.
at the time world book day was coming around DD had unfortunately been too poorly to attend school and had been in hospital for months without really much end in sight. She wasn’t one to win awards for anything like sports day, star of the week and also wasn’t allowed to be apart of the end of school trip list because of her attendance - I never ever kicked off about any of this just so you know it isn’t like I expect her to get awards for things that she doesn’t excel in.
anyway the week before world book day I had gone to the school to pick up some work and spoke to her teacher and senco. I bought up that DD was working really hard on her costume in her cubicle and it was helping her a lot with the trauma going on at the time, she was doing better but recovering from a very well near fatal infection which meant she has gone through a lot of different things including theatre trips / transfusions as she had been septic.
I told them that I don’t know if they will allow her to come to the world book day assembly but I was going to ask the doctors and if not I would send a picture of her in her WBD costume to the senco email.
fast forward to WBD, the doctors had decided that she could leave for an hour to go to the assembly as long as we took a taxi as she had lines etc in her arm.
I had emailed a picture the day before also.
we arrive and the TA took her in to assembly and dropped her back off to me in reception after. DD looked heart broken I could see it straight away.
when the TA left she started the cry and I asked what was wrong and she said “ I really wanted a bookmark for my costume “
she isn’t spoilt or one for always winning in fact she never had won anything in her time at the school and usually accepted it well.
the receptionists were a bit shocked that she had not won in her class as there wasn’t very many home made costumes and said hers was one of the best they had seen.
she was still crying when the TA came back in to reception, saw she was upset and said why is she upset I explained and her reply had upset me because it wasn’t a “ oh sorry but the other child’s costume was better “- I feel like I would of still been like would it have killed you to give her a bookmark 😅 but would have probably accepted it.
instead she said “ she couldn’t be judged because she wasn’t in school this morning “

I was like but we knew this and I sent the email of the picture, why on earth couldn’t she have been judged.
she then went on to explain that it was the rules and she was only here for the assembly not this morning.

so I did get a bit upset about this I didn’t shout or stuck around to argue because DD was due surgery the next day and wanted to get her back to the hospital to rest asap.
I was visibly annoyed though.
I did not see her class teacher during this only has conversation with the teacher assistant.
I didn’t say anything about the teacher I just said I think it was unfair that the school had known the situation and she was refused to be allowed to be included in the competition.

the next day DD was due to have surgery that afternoon and the school knew this.
In the morning the head teacher called me in as a matter of urgency. when I got to the school he called me in the office and did not wish DD well etc but it was tell me off about my attitude towards world book day and that her class teacher ( who I had never saw ) was left crying and willing to quite teaching because it was very draining having a child as complex in her class and that we needed to “ dehumanise “ DD
I would like to add in the time she had been DD teacher she had not been in class for 65 percent of the time and I had probably had 2 short conversations with her and neither were about DD having problems in the class or anything like that.
I lost the plot at this point and argued with the head teacher, stormed out and told them she wouldn’t be returning.
she did eventually find a new school and has been there since with no arguments.
the local authority however had blamed me for the break down of communication and when we got the new school made comments like “ this new school you have to try and build a good relationship with “
the new school are absolutely great and even make sure if she can’t get an attendance award she gets a no unauthorised absence award etc 😂

I know it must sound so petty now looking back and it wasn’t about her winning it was about her not being allowed to be apart of it if that makes sense.

I think back now the whole school swapping like maybe it was a bit of hasty reaction 😅

Yanbu. They didn't show an ounce of humanity or kindness. Who has a 'computer says no' approach and refuses to make reasonable adjustments for a little girl seriously ill in hospital. Honestly that was disgusting behaviour. If the teacher was willing to give up after a bit of second hand constructive criticism then that would probably be a good thing

Sorry, I mis-read, I thought the prize was a bookmark and she was upset she didn't get one? I also assumed it was implicit that she wouldn't have won when u said the ta said your daughter's costume wasn't the best?

I think I need more sleep. Sorry to derail.

@wafflingworrier no daughter yes was upset about the book mark but she was 7 tired and cranky - I was upset because the TA response was not “ oh well you Barney had a better costume and so he won “ it was “ well she wasn’t in school this morning so couldn’t be judged “
that was what I said I didn’t think was fair.

It's not 'bending the rules' or 'special treatment' to make reasonable adjustments for a seriously ill child. It's the law and the mark of a decent society to make minor adjustments in these circumstances

Sounds like the TA just panicked under pressue and didn't know what to say.

Class teacher probably felt awful. Head said they would deal with it and then all hell broke loose.

I dont think you reacted enough. She was clearly being discriminated against during her time there. I would have followed up with governers and the council. I would not have allowed the council to speak to me like that. but dwelling on it all isnt going to help
now if it has been some time.

Fair point, they were well out of order.
Thank you for clarifying.

You’ve got the wrong end of the stick here. OP wasn’t upset because her dd didn’t win! She was upset because the school didn’t allow her to be part of the competition because she was in hospital!! That is discrimination.

OP, you are not in the wrong here. I hope your dd is doing ok at the moment.

Sorry, cross posted.

@Hercisback well 100 percent because when it had kicked off and moved in the reception area because he followed me when I left and I said about “ the teacher wanting to quit over my child so I will help with that and leave “
the teacher genuinely looked like she had no idea what I was talking about.

at this point though when the LA was bought in for a meeting about moving forward there was a 100 issues regarding me that had never been raised before hand

for example

her ehcp is direct 1-1 for 32.5 hours a week I knew that she did group sessions with her 1-1 all fine I understood
but he tried to tell them that my hand oher im the morning probably 60 seconds IF there was something to hand over like she was sick in the night was meaning her 1-1 was later to her other classes ( not daughters class ) phonics group.
I was like I didn’t know this was an issue because EHCP states 5 minutes 1-1 in mornings for handover.

but yeh none of this was a problem until after world book day.

I think after everything you were going through with your child, if that were me I would have lost my shit. That school are Arseholes.

Holy shit they sound like the least empathetic bunch of people going. I mean how hard would it be to reward a very unwell child for something, anything over the course of the school year and to not be able to give a bookmark as she hasn't been there all day... FGS she was permitted to come from hospital for an hour, what options did she have. Id have been fuming to be honest, I hope the new school is better and treats her with compassion.

Poor you. Disgraceful.

A few years ago my family went through an incredibly shitty time and I had to meet with the school a number of times about my daughter's needs. I remember that two or three times different staff asked how I was and said, "remember that we're here for you too".

I was really surprised by this - its always front of my mind how busy they are and I would never have expected it. I was far too proud to break down weeping on them but I was very moved at how kind they were. This was a city primary with nearly 800 pupils - a really good school. It's great when we can support our teachers, and they can support us too.

@MumMumMumMumMumMumMum the new school are wonderful, like if there is any “ issues “
the head teacher is the loveliest, so it’s never an issue it’s a quick chat and we have come to an agreement as to be fair it’s never issues just things that might need altering.
she went back to school today for the first time since October - and I had not realised her school shoes no longer fitted so sent her in bright white trainers and said to them sorry 😂 they were like oh don’t worry she’s here we don’t care if she is wearing a onesie and slippers haha !
over Xmas time and they were doing secret Santa in the class they made sure she could be apart of it.
her old school even with a 1-1 would not allow her on school trips because it meant her 1-1 couldn’t be included in numbers
this school broke her out of hospital on day leave so she could go on theirs.

Both mainstream schools both with 30 kids in each class.

You sound like a great mum. And whilst teachers do a hard job some of them are just rubbish and heads don't do anyone any favours with blinkered support of them.

You didn't over react at all I would have wanted to knock his head off his shoulders

That's horrific.

No that she REFUSED TO EVEN JUDGE the sick child that was IN HOSPITAL and dragged herself in for the assembly because she was that desperate to be there the day before she had surgery. She couldn’t even acknowledge that amount of effort the poor sick kid made. She’s an absolute disgrace and should be ashamed

Oh OP that's a heartbreaking post, your not being unreasonable you sounded like you handled the whole thing with a lot of dignity and strength. So glad your DD is a much better setting - no unauthorised absence is brilliant 🤣

Don't let it worry you, you absolutely did the right thing changing schools and sounds like the new one is much better. The old head handled the situation very badly (and bizarrely)
Hope your sweet girl is doing well!

YANBU and I fucking hate WBD and the competitiveness it attracts

@Alwaystired2023 they clearly turned a blind our eye to our Disney holiday 😂🙈

Your poor DD. I'm glad she's in a better school now. That last one was ableist as fuck, so are attendance awards, and so are any posters whining about "special treatment" and "being favoured" - WOW!!! Would you ban a wheelchair using child from coming on a trip because there might be stairs?? Make a child take off their glasses? Actually some of you probably bloody would and you ought to be damned well ashamed of yourselves.

I hope your DD has a fantastic WBD. Got to say though, as a parent I'm so happy mine are now in secondary and I don't have to sort costumes anymore!

I imagine that the email you sent the day before had not been seen yet by the teacher. Or perhaps school thought you'd sent in a picture as she couldn't attend on the day. They probably wouldn't think that just before her surgery, you'd be worrying about ensuring she'd win the competition.
Then at 9am a post it note would have come round to each class asking the teacher which child has won the competition.
The teacher was probably dealing with parents at the door at the same time and 3 children crying because they had forgotten it was world book day. She was probably already late doing the register because of the excitement and needed to have the children lined up ready to go to one of the world book day activities the school had planned.
She's looked up, picked the best one and sent off the post it note in a hurry. At that moment in time it probably didn't enter her head that your DD might turn up at the actual assembly. At the beginning of the assembly, the certificates/ bookmarks or whatever would have already been written.
Well that's the way it's always worked in the schools I've worked at.
Yes, it was thoughtless and yes, in an ideal world, the teacher would have judged the photo against the other children in class at 9am. But the reality is that there isn't time to think and consider everything when you are rushing around trying to ensure 30 children are all doing what they're supposed to be doing, on time and with a smile.