Did I over react - world book day

[LankyCranky32]

I don’t want to drip feed so it maybe a long post. This actually happened a few years ago now but came up in conversation with a friend today when we were discussing the upcoming world book day.

DD now in year 5 was in year 2 at the time. She has always had complex medical needs when I say complex I mean IVs at home daily including 12 hour infusions etc open heart surgery, and other complex issues.
at the time world book day was coming around DD had unfortunately been too poorly to attend school and had been in hospital for months without really much end in sight. She wasn’t one to win awards for anything like sports day, star of the week and also wasn’t allowed to be apart of the end of school trip list because of her attendance - I never ever kicked off about any of this just so you know it isn’t like I expect her to get awards for things that she doesn’t excel in.
anyway the week before world book day I had gone to the school to pick up some work and spoke to her teacher and senco. I bought up that DD was working really hard on her costume in her cubicle and it was helping her a lot with the trauma going on at the time, she was doing better but recovering from a very well near fatal infection which meant she has gone through a lot of different things including theatre trips / transfusions as she had been septic.
I told them that I don’t know if they will allow her to come to the world book day assembly but I was going to ask the doctors and if not I would send a picture of her in her WBD costume to the senco email.
fast forward to WBD, the doctors had decided that she could leave for an hour to go to the assembly as long as we took a taxi as she had lines etc in her arm.
I had emailed a picture the day before also.
we arrive and the TA took her in to assembly and dropped her back off to me in reception after. DD looked heart broken I could see it straight away.
when the TA left she started the cry and I asked what was wrong and she said “ I really wanted a bookmark for my costume “
she isn’t spoilt or one for always winning in fact she never had won anything in her time at the school and usually accepted it well.
the receptionists were a bit shocked that she had not won in her class as there wasn’t very many home made costumes and said hers was one of the best they had seen.
she was still crying when the TA came back in to reception, saw she was upset and said why is she upset I explained and her reply had upset me because it wasn’t a “ oh sorry but the other child’s costume was better “- I feel like I would of still been like would it have killed you to give her a bookmark 😅 but would have probably accepted it.
instead she said “ she couldn’t be judged because she wasn’t in school this morning “

I was like but we knew this and I sent the email of the picture, why on earth couldn’t she have been judged.
she then went on to explain that it was the rules and she was only here for the assembly not this morning.

so I did get a bit upset about this I didn’t shout or stuck around to argue because DD was due surgery the next day and wanted to get her back to the hospital to rest asap.
I was visibly annoyed though.
I did not see her class teacher during this only has conversation with the teacher assistant.
I didn’t say anything about the teacher I just said I think it was unfair that the school had known the situation and she was refused to be allowed to be included in the competition.

the next day DD was due to have surgery that afternoon and the school knew this.
In the morning the head teacher called me in as a matter of urgency. when I got to the school he called me in the office and did not wish DD well etc but it was tell me off about my attitude towards world book day and that her class teacher ( who I had never saw ) was left crying and willing to quite teaching because it was very draining having a child as complex in her class and that we needed to “ dehumanise “ DD
I would like to add in the time she had been DD teacher she had not been in class for 65 percent of the time and I had probably had 2 short conversations with her and neither were about DD having problems in the class or anything like that.
I lost the plot at this point and argued with the head teacher, stormed out and told them she wouldn’t be returning.
she did eventually find a new school and has been there since with no arguments.
the local authority however had blamed me for the break down of communication and when we got the new school made comments like “ this new school you have to try and build a good relationship with “
the new school are absolutely great and even make sure if she can’t get an attendance award she gets a no unauthorised absence award etc 😂

I know it must sound so petty now looking back and it wasn’t about her winning it was about her not being allowed to be apart of it if that makes sense.

I think back now the whole school swapping like maybe it was a bit of hasty reaction 😅

You didn't overreact. At all. Appalling teacher and leadership.

And it sounds like your DD's 1:1 wasn't being used properly by the school.

You definitely didn't overreact and you sound like an amazing mother 😊

What did I just read?! Not only did you not overreact, you showed admirable restraint. What a bunch of arseholes.

I'm a secondary school teacher. This breaks my heart.

It's shocking to me that they wouldn't have made a bit of a fuss over her, knowing how much she'd already been through, that she was scheduled to have surgery the next day, and that she'd been putting so much effort into her costume. It's so mean-spirited to exclude her in any way when they knew all of that.

I don’t think you over-reacted, and you did the right thing by changing schools. It’s a hard situation, make sure to take care of yourself as well.

YANBU
Appalling conduct from all involved at the old school in that none of them could show any generosity of spirit or joy for your dd having turned up and taken part. The word ‘dehumanising’ should never be used in a school where every decision should be about enhancing the confidence of little humans. I think your dd. deserved a book mark for working hard on her own costume, for wanting to take part and for her courage to turn up for an hour when very unwell. It clearly meant the world for her to be there, proudly wearing her costume and none of those staff involved had the humanity to recognise that fact themselves let alone guide the children to do the same.
It’s very sad that they gave your dd and you such little consideration. You did well to move her from there.

That's amazing, what a difference it will make to your daughter. And none of those things are hard to do or say are they.

The old school sounds awful so well done on getting your DD out of there.

I wanted to pick up on what the friend has said. Having a few stock phrases like "You realise you don't know the whole story there, don't you?" can be very useful to discourage similar comments. It makes people think that rather than a laugh at your expense they might make themselves look foolish. Normally the conversation then moves on in a new direction.

You definitely did not overreact, you were incredibly restrained- you definitely made the right choice to move schools.

I really don’t understand why, when your Dd was so ill in hospital, you were making a big hoo ha about a non event in school. Surely the last thing on your mind would have been to get a taxi with a sick child just so she could spend 10 minutes in assembly with 100s of people. Also, why on earth did you return to the school the next day when she was waiting to go into surgery??? Bizarre!

Why do teachers get such a bad rep….oh wait a….

Purely for the way the head spoke about your daughter. Also the fact you were accused of upsetting a teacher you had zero conversation with on the day. Also He shouldn't have called you in on that day. He sounds awful. I'm glad your daughter is happy in the new school.

You did well not to poke him in the eye tbh.

I really don’t understand why, when your Dd was so ill in hospital, you were making a big hoo ha about a non event in school. Surely the last thing on your mind would have been to get a taxi with a sick child just so she could spend 10 minutes in assembly with 100s of people. Also, why on earth did you return to the school the next day when she was waiting to go into surgery??? Bizarre!

@Soontobe60 you are the bizarre one that cannot comprehend how a child that has missed so much of school would want to be part of a fun event in school. Also, OP has explained about attending the school on the morning of the surgery.

OP, that school were so out of order and I cannot believe all the apologists who say the same rules have to apply to all. Do they park in disabled bays too?

Well done you for protecting your daughter.

I think you did amazingly well tbh. Dehumanise her?? I would have exploded at that comment. And give over, the posters saying oh but the teacher was stressed, trying to find every excuse under the sun to justify appalling teaching. There is literally no excuse for failing to show a modicum of human empathy.

but I suppose the silver lining was that it meant that your dd could move to a brilliant new school.

You didn’t overreact at all. But it sounds like this was just one symptom of a bad school placement, and this was just the final straw. Our school would never behave like this and I’m so pleased you found out the right way how lacking their care was.

By the way, I’m assuming that the head meant to say you needed to ‘depersonalise’ this - a pretty appalling mistake to make and embarrassing for him that he could confuse the two words.

@Soontobe60 when you have a chronically ill child who is missing out on so much of ‘normal’ life, you do everything you can to maintain what experiences you can. Your child still needs to feel they are part of their class, of the common cultural norms like World Book Day. And you have your own life going on at the same time - if the school says the meeting is urgent, you go if you can.

SLT in a secondary school here, not primary sorry. I still spend substantial amount of time in the classroom. If that had been a child in my school come in especially for world book day id have invented an award to give your daughter for her determination and bravery. Thank goodness you moved her schools.

It was awful, the school as an institution behaved appallingly. But... try to reframe this in your mind as the best thing that could've happened to your DD as she is now in a school that's understanding,supportive ,inclusive and actually cares about your DD and her needs. It shouldn't have happened and it shouldn't be a fucking postcode lottery,but it did and in the end your daughter benefited from the move.

They sound appalling in their attitude WTF were they thinking? You were very restrained I think.

I understand. The teacher sounds lacking life experience or empathy.

@Soontobe60 because it was important to her - we have always tried to make sure she can participate in as much as she can, it’s not the same situation as a well child being hit with an appendicitis etc
she has missed so much in like including Christmas, school plays , holidays , play dates and just normal child hood.
at the point of world book day she had been in this particular time a few months.
she was stable by the time of world book day but needed a replacement Device because it’s what has caused the initial infection.

I would have hit the roof as well, OP.

Dehumanise her. Jesus wept. Yes he probably used the wrong word but I would have expected an immediate apology for that horrendous comment.

And yes, she bloody well should have the rules bent/broken for her every once in a while, it's called reasonable adjustment. Crap behaviour by the school imo.

I'm so glad your DD's now in a school that is supportive, and I hope she's doing well.

Did everyone get a bookmark or just the winner in each class

It did all turn out for the best though!

Your DD ended up at a school where she is valued.

The first school sounds awful. I cannot imagine excluding a child from participating in a competition in such circumstances, no matter what the ‘rules’ are. And head dragging you into office, what a dick. Absolutely no empathy for what you were going through as a parent of a very sick little girl.