Did I over react - world book day

[LankyCranky32]

I don’t want to drip feed so it maybe a long post. This actually happened a few years ago now but came up in conversation with a friend today when we were discussing the upcoming world book day.

DD now in year 5 was in year 2 at the time. She has always had complex medical needs when I say complex I mean IVs at home daily including 12 hour infusions etc open heart surgery, and other complex issues.
at the time world book day was coming around DD had unfortunately been too poorly to attend school and had been in hospital for months without really much end in sight. She wasn’t one to win awards for anything like sports day, star of the week and also wasn’t allowed to be apart of the end of school trip list because of her attendance - I never ever kicked off about any of this just so you know it isn’t like I expect her to get awards for things that she doesn’t excel in.
anyway the week before world book day I had gone to the school to pick up some work and spoke to her teacher and senco. I bought up that DD was working really hard on her costume in her cubicle and it was helping her a lot with the trauma going on at the time, she was doing better but recovering from a very well near fatal infection which meant she has gone through a lot of different things including theatre trips / transfusions as she had been septic.
I told them that I don’t know if they will allow her to come to the world book day assembly but I was going to ask the doctors and if not I would send a picture of her in her WBD costume to the senco email.
fast forward to WBD, the doctors had decided that she could leave for an hour to go to the assembly as long as we took a taxi as she had lines etc in her arm.
I had emailed a picture the day before also.
we arrive and the TA took her in to assembly and dropped her back off to me in reception after. DD looked heart broken I could see it straight away.
when the TA left she started the cry and I asked what was wrong and she said “ I really wanted a bookmark for my costume “
she isn’t spoilt or one for always winning in fact she never had won anything in her time at the school and usually accepted it well.
the receptionists were a bit shocked that she had not won in her class as there wasn’t very many home made costumes and said hers was one of the best they had seen.
she was still crying when the TA came back in to reception, saw she was upset and said why is she upset I explained and her reply had upset me because it wasn’t a “ oh sorry but the other child’s costume was better “- I feel like I would of still been like would it have killed you to give her a bookmark 😅 but would have probably accepted it.
instead she said “ she couldn’t be judged because she wasn’t in school this morning “

I was like but we knew this and I sent the email of the picture, why on earth couldn’t she have been judged.
she then went on to explain that it was the rules and she was only here for the assembly not this morning.

so I did get a bit upset about this I didn’t shout or stuck around to argue because DD was due surgery the next day and wanted to get her back to the hospital to rest asap.
I was visibly annoyed though.
I did not see her class teacher during this only has conversation with the teacher assistant.
I didn’t say anything about the teacher I just said I think it was unfair that the school had known the situation and she was refused to be allowed to be included in the competition.

the next day DD was due to have surgery that afternoon and the school knew this.
In the morning the head teacher called me in as a matter of urgency. when I got to the school he called me in the office and did not wish DD well etc but it was tell me off about my attitude towards world book day and that her class teacher ( who I had never saw ) was left crying and willing to quite teaching because it was very draining having a child as complex in her class and that we needed to “ dehumanise “ DD
I would like to add in the time she had been DD teacher she had not been in class for 65 percent of the time and I had probably had 2 short conversations with her and neither were about DD having problems in the class or anything like that.
I lost the plot at this point and argued with the head teacher, stormed out and told them she wouldn’t be returning.
she did eventually find a new school and has been there since with no arguments.
the local authority however had blamed me for the break down of communication and when we got the new school made comments like “ this new school you have to try and build a good relationship with “
the new school are absolutely great and even make sure if she can’t get an attendance award she gets a no unauthorised absence award etc 😂

I know it must sound so petty now looking back and it wasn’t about her winning it was about her not being allowed to be apart of it if that makes sense.

I think back now the whole school swapping like maybe it was a bit of hasty reaction 😅

Every child needs a mum like you to fight their corner when then need it 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 it wasn’t a hasty reaction at all.

This. Perhaps unfortunately, that is what it's like in the classroom. Did you receive a response to your email? I admit I not great with picking up mine because 4 days out of 5 it takes me from 8am-5pm just to teach or be ready to teach.

Your poor daughter OP - and the headteacher hauling you to berate you before your child’s surgery just speaks volumes about the school and its attitude towards your dd. I understand why the distress you must have felt lingers but hopefully you and your daughter can move on feeling supported and valued as part of your new school community.

Have you not thought the T A was being sensitive to your dds feeling by saying she wasn't judged, rather than ' well actually we thought her costume was pretty rubbish.

But why would you have to say your costume was rubbish 😂 like who would even say that ?
that’s a weird comparison tbh

@Cardiganwearer when the senco rang me a few days later to try to rectify the situation and said about the dehumanise situation she said he used it in the wrong context 🙈

Oh my God. What in the world had he meant to say?!

I can totally understand your fury given the obvious “arse covering” the old school seem to have convinced the LA is true. Nice to hear that DD is much happier with a school that doesn’t “dehumanise” her. (How the actual ….. can that be taken out of context?)

Seems like an unpopular opinion, but I think it was an overreaction on your part. An understandable one, because I imagine you were under a lot of stress and worry, but you didn't change your child's school just because they didn't get a world book day bookmark.

School is all about rules, they had a rule that kids who didn't show up didn't get a bookmark. That's all there is to it.

If life is unfair it's unfair because your child was so ill and how awful that was for you all, not because of a bookmark.

I told them that I don’t know if they will allow her to come to the world book day assembly but I was going to ask the doctors and if not I would send a picture of her in her WBD costume to the senco email.

I can see how this happened-you said you’d send a picture of her if she wasn’t coming so they weren’t expecting her and wouldn’t have written her out a prize/bookmark.

The head teacher’s response was odd though.

It sounds like you were absolutely well rid of that school, glad you've got a good one now. And that you know what a good school can look like, so as to seek out similar for secondary.

Your daughter is the kind of child where rules should be bent, twisted, torn up and/or completely rewritten to make the school experience work for them. There are so many many ways your story could have been handled - "a special award to XX who has made her costume whilst in hospital" would perhaps have been one of the more obvious options ...

She didn't need to be in school to be judged as you'd sent the photo and said she was attending. Of course they should have given her a bloody bookmark.

And the head teacher calling you in on the morning of surgery was deranged.

Good riddance to a shit school.

@Shinyandnew1 no
it was more like I would sent the picture the day before I case she couldn’t
they were aware that I wouldn’t know until the day whether she was allowed because of the situation.
i rang the office at ward round to make them aware she was coming so her 1-1 / TA could meet her at reception- which she did.

i would not have pulled her out over the world book day incident it was how it was handled the next day.
I didn’t lose my cool until then.
like on actual world book day by the time I got back to the hosptial I wasn’t left angry or anything.
I didn’t wake up the next morning thinking I need to speak to them about this.

YANBU...I'm appalled on your behalf!

Oh just to add I felt a little judged with the comment about probably didn’t think you would be worried about her being in world book day when she has surgery.
its not a normal situation of a normally well child all of a sudden getting appendicitis. We had been in hospital for months at this point and not for the first time so we always try to keep things as normal as possible not because we don’t care about her health.

Outrageous behaviour from the school! It sounds like absolutely no compassion was shown for you or your poor daughter! For a 6/7 year old to have spent time making their own costume while in hospital in such traumatic circumstances is amazing and should have been recognised in itself!
I'm so glad you moved to what sounds like a much better school and hope your daughter is doing well now

Do not get me wrong the day after I defo lost the plot more so than I ever think I have in my life ( not world book day ) but to the head teacher.
i regretted it.
I feel like the worse part was they covid struck at the same time and so after the massive argument the schools shut and it all just lingered in the air somewhere 😂

So, I'm in 2 minds about this. The logical side of me would've told upset DD she was getting an extra special bookmark and then ordering one on Etsy etc, but your child was having surgery the next day and I don't think it would've hurt for the school to be kinder to you both. Hope DD is recovering well now

I think they’re all bad people and if it played out how you’ve said they should frankly fuck themselves.

always stand up for your kids the way you did - don’t let this make you doubt yourself mamma bear

You’re an amazing mum being the advocate for your dc. Stuff them and their inability to show empathy. Enjoy the new school and hold your head high!

dd2’s teacher called me in once because a dc who “nearly died as a baby” won an award for bravery. Dd was miffed and said but I nearly died too! I was called in because dd needed to understand empathy and not to tell lies… I was puzzled because dd wasn’t lying. Even after explaining she was telling the truth, the teacher didn’t actually apologise. I honestly think she thought I was “enabling” dd. I guess what I’m saying is, some people just cannot comprehend what others go through so remove it from their thoughts.

They all behaved like utter cunts. My heart is breaking for your daughter then. What wankers.

I’d of made a complaint there and then once she had come out. It’s discrimination and I’d of wanted my complaint dealt with accordingly. Everyone’s situation should be appreciated and if everyone else got a book mark for dressing up sorry but why didn’t she. I’d of been very petty and said to DD oh they probs left it in the hall let me have a word. Then when TA pops up mention that I’m assuming everyone’s got the complimentary book mark well DD forgot hers can you pop back and grab one please… expressing the email and effort that DD has put in. If it was still a no then I’d of asked to see the head. That’s not ok, to anyone’s self-esteem who would do that.

OMG 100% this ^^

The ONLY error in judgement you made is not documenting every single negative interaction you had with the school and recording your meeting with the head.. (“deHUMANISE”?!?!?! WTactualF?!) so that you were better armed to deal with the LEA going forward. But this is NOT something to beat yourself up about. No-one could have expected such awful behaviour from them (It wasn’t the best costume/couldn’t be judged/she’s not in school??? Eff off! I bloody bet it was the best costume made by a child on and off a hospital ward for half the year!!)

You were, quite rightly, focused on your daughter’s needs and not thinking about how school might actively escalate their incredibly shitty choices and blame you for it.

This time round make sure all interactions with school are in writing (or followed up in writing) and ask to audio record meetings (because you find it hard to take notes and don’t want to forget anything) just in case.

I hope your DD is doing much better now. 💐

You know that saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”? Same applies to organisations. So many horror stories on here of schools repeatedly letting kids down. You didn’t overreact by changing schools, you reacted appropriately by identifying that school would never meet her needs and pulling her out.

OP I am so angry at that school on your behalf!

I can’t stand posters who try to justify this shit. “Oh they must have sorted the bookmarks already” - well then you say to OP’s daughter “oh my gosh yours isn’t in the box I’ll go and get it for you”. If you telling yourself how busy and overworked you are is more important than making things right for a kid going through such a tough time, you shouldn’t be in education.

It is entirely possible to include every child, as your current school is demonstrating.

One of my close friends at school was sick for years. Her attendance was probably around 40%. And our school made every effort to include her in as much as possible. She absolutely used to do things like just popping in for a special assembly then going home again. I remember her having a planned week off ahead of a school trip to try and ensure she had the energy for it.

Schools are not forced to exclude kids with disabilities and difficulties. It is a choice.

You didn't over react. The school weren't being very nice or inclusive. They were pretty horrid actually, considering what you and your dd were going through!
I still get upset about some of my SEN DS's experiences in mainstream school, 15 years later!