To think my husband is killing my son by love

[Reallytired]

My son is over weight, he is not moridly obsese, he is 114cm tall and weighs 25kg. He is six years old and I worried about his weight.

My husband feeds him snacks whenever he asks. He keeps giving my son bread instead of more complex carbohydrate. He gives my son fattening snacks like peanut butter instead of fruit.

I feel that my son needs tough love. He needs to be given a sensible portion size and the amount of sweets strictly limited.

I am fed up of my husband taking the easy life and giving in to his son to avoid a tantrum.

My husband cannot see that my son is overweight. He thinks that I will cause my son to have a complex.

Your poor son is going to have far more of a complex if he's a fat adolescent. Could you all go to the GP so your husband can hear it from someone other than you?

does he run around or sit on the sofa?

if you really don't want him to eat certain foods then don't have it in the house.

Very, very tricky indeed. I sympathise.

Are either you or your husband overweight? Does DH feel you're actually judging his weight, perhaps?

Do you do the food shopping? I think if I were you, I would get pretty tough on what came into the house. (obviously not possible to do this if you and your husband live apart, or if he does the shopping).

If he likes the easy life, keep the fruit bowl full, don't buy crisps, sweets, cakes or peanut butter, and only buy brown bread. Then to give him an unhealthy snack, he would have to go shopping, which is NOT easy.

Do let your child eat his fill, and do let him run around a lot, I kind of see why you are concerned though.

TBH This is quite a big deal and i think you're very right to be worried. It seems ridiculously over the top to suggest counselling on something like this - the GP would be a better bet, if good at this sort of thing - but there's a major conflict between you here and I'd agree it has consequences for your son's future.

I've just spent a week typing letters in an Endocrinology department and the consequences of long-term weight gain are not pretty

I am as skinny as a rake, my husband is over weight. He is convinced that my son is normal and I am fattist. It is ridiculous, my son is eating more calories a day than me. My husband thinks that I should eat more rather than my son eat less.

I have been to my GP and the GP refused to refer my son to a dietitian. Apparently he is not overweight enough. Gawd knows how over weight a child has to get help.

My husband often does the shopping and we both work full time. The problem is that my husband likes unhealthy food.

There is very little in our area for support groups of very young over weight children.

I don't understand how someone who is bright enough to hold a pressurised job and have a MSc can be so bloody stupid.

do your son's BMI and show your dh?

According to this child bmi calculator your son is overweight.
I agree with the previous suggestions re shopping. Sounds like your DH is in denial about his own weight problem and this is affecting his behaviour with your DS. I would suggest going back to the GP and explaining the problem or getting in touch with the school nurse to see if she can help.

Your sons BMI is 19.2 - great for an Adult but as a Child he is a little on the heavy side. Obviously he may be naturally of a bigger stature. Have a look at this on line tool.

but don't get obsessive about it as that could lead him to have other issues with food.

I hope you can get your DH to compromise a little.

Oh Lordy, so many layers here!

Maybe asks him what he likes about being overweight. What does he associate with not eating?

You should take over the shopping. Do internet shopping if you are pushed for time.
Change from white bread and pasta to wholegrain. Don't buy crap. Keep stocked with healthy snacks. You also have some control here. You don't have to sit back while your husband feeds your child the wrong things.

The eating habits you instil now will be his blueprint for life - send him down the wrong path and he will have problems. I can't tell you how miserable it is to be a fat child and how hard it is to try to change as an adult- if your dh has a weight problem he should be moving heaven and earth to stop his son suffering the same fate.

You do need to ensure that you don't give your son a complex but you can do this by not talking about it in front of him and just ensuring you all eat healthily without making a big deal out of it.

Im also worried that your husband feeds him nice things to avoid a tantrum.

Six years old seems a bit old for a tantrum, and if he learns to get his own way now by doing this, where does it stop?

I have seen some teenagers who have their parents completely wrapped around their little finger-but they are spoilt, aren't independent or responsible young adults.

It isn't just about long term consequences, but of the 6 yr olds that I teach, the ones that are clearly overweight struggle in PE, sitting on the carpet, joining in with things like yoga and find breathing difficult when climbing the stairs. More worringly, they are generally mentally slower and less alert.
Again, don't want to give the boy a neuroses, but at the same time, if his BMI is overweight, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your dh.

Making sure your son is physically active is actually more important than restricting what he eats. Though it's a good idea to maximise healthy food for the whole family (and a disastrous one to put your son on any kind of special diet while you and your DH eat whatever you like - that's a surefire way to give your DS an unhealthy relationship with food), remember that being thin is not the most important thing in life and thinness is no indication of a person's worth or moral values.

why does your son want so many snacks? is there an emotional component to this?

i don't think childhood obesity is as simple as too much food.

kids generally self-regulate really well unless there is something else up imo

The problem is that he loves peanut butter. My husband also offers him quite a lot of food. I leave for work very early in the morning and my husband does breakfast.

For breakfast my son has a small bowl of cereal, 6 grapes and 2 pieces of toast.

Lunch he has a school dinner

After school gives him a snack, which is not enough to be a meal, but tends to be a sandwich and an apple. The problem with this snack is that its at 4.30pm so he is very hungry at about 6pm.

I then give him some dinner with me when he gets home. Prehaps it would be better if I gave him a second snack, but frankly I haven't got the energy to prepare seperate meals. [Bad Mummy emoticon]

My husband and I have rows about portion size. My husband is convinced that I am giving him cooked vegetables is what making him fat. I think the problem is portion size rather than the food being cooked. The problem is my husband offering my son ice cream as dessert.

"i don't think childhood obesity is as simple as too much food."

I think its because kids don't get as much excercise these days as we do. My son does walk to and from school, but its only a 5 minute walk. His after school club tends to have him doing craft rather than running about. He has a swimming lesson once a week.

He used to gymnastics once a week which he hated. We then did football for a term which he hated. I tried him with Judo which he hated and now I am trying to think of a another sport for him to try.

He does well academically at school, being plump has not affected his concentration. Its a nightmare getting him to anything that he is useless at. There is not a lot of non competitive sports avaliable. Today I took him to a soft play area which he enjoyed.

My husband does not realise that just because my son is not the fattest boy in the class does not mean that he doesn't have a weight problem. I think that there are so many overweight people in the UK many people including my husband have forgotten what is normal. My husband thinks it puppy fat.

He is only getting exercise twice a week when frankly he needs it everyday.

A small bowl of cereal, 6 grapes and 2 pieces of toast (presumably with peanut butter) does not sound like an unreasonably huge breakfast for a 6 year old. Do you have a past history of issues with food/weight yourself?
It is worth remembering that a major contributing factor in serious obesity is repeated dieting. The whole slimming industry is one big con, just like religion: restricting what you eat for a while may make you lose weight but it also slows down your metabolism, so you then need to diet harder, then you gain more weight, etc, etc. If you start your son on the dieting path at the age of 6, you could be setting him up for serious problems in later life, both physical and mental.

The diet you describe doesn't sound at all bad. Why would he need another snack at 6pm, rather than a meal? I don't think ice cream as a pudding is a bad thing tbh. Your husband can't seriously think that cooked vegetables are making your son fat - is something missing from that sentence?

What about thinking about other options for afterschool care? Could you afford a nanny, nannyshare or childminder who would spend a couple of hours outside with your son?

Is there a local Woodcraft Folk - focusing on being outside more than sports per se?

his diet doesnt sound that bad tbh......

do u think that your dh is compensating with food for example ~(this is my guilt trip at the mo) my ds1 has v bad orthodontic issues every month we see the ortho and hes hving extensive work done on the way home we stop at KFC bcos that is sons absolute favourite treat.....ds2 and 3 dont mind they realise ds1 is v upset.....but now im thinking am i compensating with food to make up for a bad experience? should i be saying stiff upperlip laddio and chin up? likewise if i know theyve had a hard day tests and the like i will prepare favourite food etc and i think with me far from it being a reassuring comforting thing as a child i was quite unhappy and often went hungry (my own problems ) and im thinking am i filling my childrens sadness with food to avoid rekindling my sad days???

rather longwinded but is your dh doing this ????

Are you still in contact with your HV? Would you be able to get him/her out and sit down, you, dh and HV to discuss this? Just a thought.

Also, does your DH have issues with food from his upbringing. I have a similar problem to yours but to a lessar degree, and most of my dh's problem is not wanting ds to missout/ say no to ds and disappoint him.

Message withdrawn

My sympathies to you here. My ex DH and myself are both overweight and I am paranoid about DS as a result.
I got his weight assessed on a website which works out BMI for children - DS comes out as slightly overweight. This was three months ago.

I have dealt with this by limiting the snacky type foods coming into the house and also watching what DS has between meals - I keep the fruit bowl filled and focus on the fruit he loves - grapes, oranges and apples. Between meals I am happy for him to eat freely from the fruit bowl.
I have also upped the amount of walking we do.

I haven't weighed DS since or done his height but will probably do so in three months. I am also going to tackle my own weight problem so DS doesn't see obesity as "normal". He is not obese but I am according to charts and I have to set an example by tackling this.

All three of my cjildren are lean and the only kids at swim class with a six pack- they are 6 and 4. I feed them high fat cheese spread, peanut butter and full fat milk because they need the energy. (we don't have fried food and I cook mainly from scratch which prob helps) They play football every day, run every where (!!!) and swim twice a week. We have a basketball hoop outside and football goals in our titchy yard. They have positive role models in DH and I, we both play sport and run and every weekend we go to the field to play. Maybe I am lucky they are passionate about sport, I don't know, but I think the answer is to get your son into a sport he loves...play it with him, lead by example and show him it is normal. Also the longer you blame your DH the harder it is going to be to help your son.

Sorry, I know I sound smug and sanctimonious, am really just trying to help and explaining our situation.

If you make a big deal out of this for your child, it will become a big deal.
Dieting makes you fat. Exercise is what he needs, and then he'll burn off those calories, which don't sound too much for a growing six year-old. It's better to be active and chubby than sit on your arse sipping Slimfast, however slim you get. And it is his health you're bothered about, right? Believe me, I know what I'm talking about on this issue.

xx

I have just done the chold bmi and it says my son is overweight. no way is he.