DS and DH buffoonery

[Unusuallyirritated]

AIBU to feel really irritated by this?

Just went round to friends to play board games. DS 10 and DH were poking each other and play fighting almost constantly. Being really noisy. Having to be reminded when it was their turn. Not really following what was going on. DD 7 and DS 13 were brilliant. Hosts two kids were too.

I asked them to stop politely twice. I gave DH a look twice. I also then started to attempt to make jokes about it which wasn’t right but I was out of options. I felt really embarrassed and it ruined the night for me. I also think that DH was setting a bad example for DS.

AIBU to think that it’s rude? How would you feel as the host? They are really lovely and accepting people but I imagine even they were tested. But it might be just I have a low tolerance for that kind of behaviour.

The DH started the behaviour.
If you punish the child and not the adult who started it that is unfair and I'd suggest a form of bullying (which my ex wanted me to do to my dd and I refused).

Where does it say he started it? I don't think OP says that anywhere in her posts - just that he went along with it/didn't stop it.

For me, if you disagree with how your partner is parenting then you don't address that in front of friends, or in the car on the way home in front of your children. It's automatically going to put the other person on the defensive and is never going to end well for anyone.

Bullying to discpline and parent your child??

Ive heard it all now

She isnt his parent, she is the child's parent

The problem comes when theres a disagreement in front of the child (and other people) about what is appropriate, its difficult to navigate.

Ive had people approach me to talk to my OH about things he has said/done on social media, upsetting friend of a friend type of thing. No, Im not his mother, its nothing to do with me, you approach him and sort it out with him.

If you think it is fine to discipline a child in front of others and not the adult who should have not been continuously encouraging the bad behaviour then yes, you clearly do have different ideas of parenting. The adult should know better.

To a lot of people they are just a means to having a fun evening and whether the game gets finished or not is neither here nor there.

It's not OP's job to discipline her adult husband, and especially not in front of others.

I would feel so, so incredibly awkward if I was hosting another couple and they were disagreeing to the point of giving each other "the look".

Parenting issues need to be addressed and discussed in private - not in front of other people and definitely not in the car home in front of your kids.

You think you should or can 'discipline' an adult?

OP hasn't done anything in public other than try to signal to her DH that he needs to calm down and be a grown up. I'm guessing you would just sit there demurely. Each to their own but as hosts I'd rather see some parenting than none.

Parenting of the child absolutely which is what people have said to you

You seem to think OP is her husbands parent, she isnt.

If I felt my child was behaving inappropriately then yes, I would discipline them. What I wouldn't do is sit there giving my adult partner "the look".

If I disagreed with what he was doing then I'd talk to him about it afterwards, in private - away from my kids or the people who kindly hosted us for the evening.

But how in that position do you get the child to behave without also implying by word or deed to your DH that his behaviour is rude and inappropriate? And without being unfair to your child?

I mean, how do you say ‘Billy Junior, stop messing around and calm down! That’s the third time I’ve told you.’ when Bill Senior is the one winding him up? Without either Bill Sr feeling ‘told off’ or Billy Jr saying ‘Daddy started it!’? I wouldn’t want to tell my child off if the other parent was encouraging the bad behaviour, without making it clear that neither of their behaviour was acceptable.

Unless the behaviour was dangerous or causing genuine upset to other people, I would deal with it at home afterwards.

I'm going to bow out as it's actually reminding me too much of my ex trying to get dd into trouble with me, largely because he was jealous of our relationship. He expected me to act as you two would and side with him and ignore his bad behaviour and tell of my dd instead. I refused to do that as he was an adult and if he did something wrong I would hold him to account just as much, if not more so, than my child. That is why I have suggested it is a form of bullying as if the child is always the one to get into trouble in public while the instigating adult gets to sit smugly, they feel hard done by and trust is lost, quite rightly.

Fair enough. I feel that would be rude to my hosts, personally.

I guess I just don't see a bit of horseplay between father and son during a fun, social occasion to be particularly rude or something that anyone needs to be told off for.

If it was at a dinner party or in the cinema then that would be very different but that's not the kind of scenario OP is describing.

Nobody is saying you don't hold the adult to account - just that you don't do it in front of friends or in front of your other children.

Disagreements about parenting should be done in private.

From the OP’s description, they were being rude and disruptive. I wouldn’t want my children to think that was acceptable and I wouldn’t want the hosts to think I thought it acceptable.

But I know that OP has said the hosts didn’t appear annoyed, and it’s clear from this thread that some people would see their rough housing/horseplay as less of an issue. A bit of a ‘your mileage may vary’ thing here, dependent on what behaviour you (or I!) find acceptable.

Ignoring this particular case, in which you don’t think any disciplining was called for, at all - it’s still not clear to me what you’re saying you would do if you personally DIDN’T think their behaviour was acceptable, though. If your husband and child were roughhousing at a dinner party, how would you discipline/stop the child without ‘holding your husband to account’, and without making the child feel unfairly singled out?

Honestly, I don't know because it's not a scenario I've ever found myself in.

I do see it as very similar to the cinema. They'd been invited round specifically for a board game evening, everyone was supposed to be doing the same thing at the same time. Adults are supposed to be modelling appropriate behaviour to the children.

But there are board game people and board game people! The hosts do sound very laid back.

I don’t know either. I’d probably end up saying ‘Can you two give it a rest?!’ A difficult one to navigate.

I think in the actual case rather than the dinner party, I would ask DS to come sit by me, be on my team, maybe saying "we can help each other concentrate". Rather than call out the DH in front of everyone. I don't think that would be disciplining or punishing the child unfairly either, just trying to keep things on track.

@SecondRow I think some people would see the board games as the focus of the evening whereas for others it's an evening of socialising where the board games are secondary.

Hard to navigate if people fall into two different categories.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee if it was disrupting the actual game and they weren’t really taking part, they should have taken their behaviour elsewhere. It’s fine to have a laugh and a giggle whilst playing board games (don’t have to treat it as grand master chess match) but if they are actually holding up play due to mucking around that is not appropriate

See again, I think that really depends on how you view board games.

If they're the main entertainment/focus then yes, it's inappropriate but if they're just something happening as/when, then that's different.

I suspect there are two very distinct "camps" when it comes to board games lol.