DS and DH buffoonery

[Unusuallyirritated]

AIBU to feel really irritated by this?

Just went round to friends to play board games. DS 10 and DH were poking each other and play fighting almost constantly. Being really noisy. Having to be reminded when it was their turn. Not really following what was going on. DD 7 and DS 13 were brilliant. Hosts two kids were too.

I asked them to stop politely twice. I gave DH a look twice. I also then started to attempt to make jokes about it which wasn’t right but I was out of options. I felt really embarrassed and it ruined the night for me. I also think that DH was setting a bad example for DS.

AIBU to think that it’s rude? How would you feel as the host? They are really lovely and accepting people but I imagine even they were tested. But it might be just I have a low tolerance for that kind of behaviour.

They are super chilled and accepting of difference. Some of the kindest and most patient people you could meet.

I guess I just find it a little strange that out of three other adults and at least three other children (your other kids plus theirs) - not one of them showed any sign of being irritated or annoyed except you.

Not to say that he wasn't being a bit of a tit but are you sure you're not just hyper aware of his behaviour whereas they're not?

Thank you. That’s helpful. I guess it was the constant poking each other, wrestling, constant verbal tit for tat goading. ‘I’m stronger’ ‘no I am’ and how that made it hard to have other conversations as they were loud and how they weren’t really present in the game. They were doing their own thing. If they weren’t playing the game it might have felt ok. it just felt very disruptive.

Well exactly. Hence the thread. I wanted to test out that exact hypothesis. I may just be super intolerant. The evening did end quite suddenly and usually with these things you lose track of time. That’s the only slight sign that it was annoying to others.

As a host I don't think this would bother me, I'd be pleased to see my guests having a good time and view the board game as kind of secondary to this. I'd be perfectly happy if the board game wasn't actually completed as the pleasure and enjoyment of the people attending is primary.

However, obviously that is within limits...if it means wrecking the joint and actively upsetting other guests I'd be less impressed. And, as you are showing, guests bring their own conflicting expectations of evenings and often that is harder, as a host, to navigate.

But I'd hope everyone could relax and have a good, fun time without meeting rigid behavioural expectations.

Just check that you're not doing a Margo from The Good Life Christmas special OP 😁

They sound beyond irritating and clearly DH should know better and DS will have taken his lead, thinking the behaviour was appropriate.

I probably would have left, but that would have been a shame for the other DC.

I guess if this was a one off, you just try to avoid these situations in future. If it’s part of a pattern of behaviour that you are finding off putting or intolerable then it’s time for a serious think about what you want for your future.

Your DH sounds childish and rude to me, and I couldn’t stand it, especially since he was being so ridiculous he couldn’t even participate in the games properly. Other posters might disagree and find it endearing. What actually matters is how YOU feel. 💐

So they behave like buffoons then??

This would give me the ick if someone behaves so immaturely.

I love that one. The perfect example of why you don't need to socialise with others if you are capable of entertaining yourself with your own relatives 😜

And who cares if it was understandable??

It doesn't matter if there was even a stretch of a reason, it does not justify a grown adult behaving like an idiot.

Did he start the mucking around or did DS? If he's a bit socially awkward I wonder whether he didn't want to tell DS off in front of friends so just tried to go along with it.

My ex used to do this with my DD (not his). She has never enjoyed being poked or mimicked and it never landed well. I think men find it fun because it is an emotional outlet of sorts. I do find it is men who don't really talk about emotions or reflect that do it the most though, which is perhaps on a deeper level why you see it as annoyingly childish? My ex is an ex for this reason and the poking and emotional deafness was increasingly annoying for both dd and myself.

No, I am resoundingly irritable in many situations.

But a board game evening with mates is when I would kick back, and often two people pissing about with each other can be sweet and fun (the father and son thing can be very sweet) rather than take over.

There are too many variables to say without having been there, but if you tend to be socially anxious or end up with the non-fun parent role it might be worth considering whether it was really a problem.

Are these friends you’d meet for a coffee? If so - could you say next time - gosh John was driving me bonkers last time we were at yours, I am sorry if he drove you crackers too. If they look bemused or surprised then it was you rather than him.

😂

When you say "it ended quite suddenly", what do you mean?

Did one of the hosts suddenly stand up and say something like "Right! Well it is getting late/kids need bed/football tomorrow etc etc we have to kick you out haha" out of the blue?

Thank you 🙏

Yes, you might be on to something here. He flips between ‘I am your mate’ and ‘I am your mean boss’ in terms of parenting. He hasn’t got a good line in adult to child boundary setting. He perhaps was avoiding bringing the vibe down with irritated authoritarian telling off. So I ended up in that role but in a less authoritarian way.

Yes. I might ask next time I catch up with her on my own. Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

I reckon he was trying to play to the crowd and be what he imagines is cool, fun Dad, and he knew his 10 yr old was the only one who would act as a foil/tolerate his buffoonery! Does he normally socialise well with other adults?

Yes. Kind of like that. Not at all brusque or abrupt but a definite it’s late and we need to finish. It was 10 so a reasonable finish time for a family night with youngsters.

Yep there's the lack of emotional maturity which is extremely annoying and another way you are shouldering the load of parenting. I couldn't deal with it in the end as I felt like I had 2 kids and they got increasingly cross with each other and I always felt DD was justified because he was just being fecking annoying. He messaged me after the split saying I should have stood up for him more around her, which really was so tone deaf it made me very pleased I had left.

Obviously you're more invested than I was but maybe you can find some way for him to do more meaningful things with them and actually talk rather than relying on roughousing?

Well that was my take but it’s been good to hear kinder interpretations of his behaviour. He doesn’t get out much at the minute but he’s always been a bit tone deaf in social situations. He will miss subtle cues of boredom, irritation or when it’s time to leave.

Also I noticed his older brother did the same with his kids, so it's likely a deeply ingrained family way to show affection without actually having to. It will be what your son ends up doing if you don't address it.

Thank you. 😊

I have to say this was my first thought on reading

I also agree that if no one else seemed bothered perhaps it wasnt that irritating

That doesnt mean OP shouldnt/wouldnt have been irritated

Board games are for being silly arent they and it sounds like fun interaction between dad and son which should be celebrated I would have thought.

I also think its not for OP (or women in general) to give 'the look' or tell someone to stop doing something, if the host is pissed off thats for them to say, OP isnt her husbands mother or keeper.

Im not surprised he's now pissed off

Yes. Although DS is often a step ahead already! Will say ‘but you are speaking to me crossly’ when he’s shouting at him not to talk angrily. 😂 He’s got a good head on his wee shoulders.

I don't think it's "fun interaction" though if it's excuding everyone else, that's rude in a group setting. Add to that making enough of a noise that general conversation amongst the group is difficult and yes it would be really annoying, although the hosts sound very sweet and laid back.