Uneasy at the idea of SIL being in charge of the whole trip

[Greenstorm]

We’re trying to plan a trip away to the coast for the weekend as a family, staying in shared accommodation but the planning more comes in when deciding where to eat as a group, when to socialise and mingle, when to go on walks and the exact route (timed to fit the nap times).

SIL is insisting that everyone must eat breakfast at set time, lunch at set time etc and arrive by a certain time as that’s when their DDs wake window is and if people are arriving with bags after that time then it’ll wake her up and ruin their night so stipulating we all must set off in convoy at a certain time. Her daughter is 13 months, be 15 months when they go away. She is sending us times for meals and saying it’s important it’s stuck to. It is making me think the whole trip will be a bit of a chore. The grandparents think they are being too restrictive but SIL is a bit commandeering and will very much get her own way, plus their DD is first and eldest grandchild and as such understandably doted on and nobody wants to rock the apple cart. I am not sure how they can be sure their timings will even be accurate in a couple of months but that part is none of my business and what they do is up to them. What does concern us is the expectation we must dance to their tune….

AIBU to just opt out of this one? It’ll cause a stir inevitably and we’ll be the bad guys or labelled as naive as we have it yet to come. We are already hearing all those ‘just you wait’ remarks. I get parenting isn’t a walk in the park but surely expecting other people to also conform to your strict daily schedule is a bridge too far?

That would be a hard fucking pass from me. The universe doesn't revolve around their child, and someone should tell her that. I would decline and tell her exactly why.

Presumably you’re all in a WhatsApp group for this trip? I’d be replying - “you’re having a laugh” at any ridiculous suggestions. In fact, I’d be responding by telling her that as it’s your holiday too, and you’re a grown up, you’re happy to choose your own meal times.

It sounds horrendous. I definitely wouldn't go.

This won't end well. I would make an excuse and decline

Oh dear she’s going to be so embarrassed in years to come 😳🤣🤣

Do you have to obey her?
Can't you say no, we won't be doing that.

This is no from me. People who want every waking moment orientated around their child and their routine need shooting. So it’s breakfast at 7am and dinner at 5pm on holiday?! I say that as someone with twins of a similar age to your SIL. Let me guess is it their PFB (previous first born)? We are going on a family holiday next month, we have not issues any “timetable”, synchronised with their wake windows etc. Because it’s not all about us and we aren’t dicks

Ignore the “just you wait” nonsense. A lot of its bollocks.

Not for me thanks! I have had children and it’s still a hard no!
We are very specific who we go away with for these types of reasons!

A wake window? Wow.
I’d expect to make a few concessions to the baby during the weekend, but nothing more than the normal considerate things you might do if you’re sharing a house with others anyway. Sounds like a nightmare.

That’d be a no from me dawg!

Sounds like anything but a holiday!

Nope

But out of interest what else does she have planned?

Adults bedtimes? Evening activity once dd is in bed?

Somebody’s forgotten that trips are supposed to be relaxing. I would opt out because it’s inevitable that I would do something that annoyed SIL and that worry would mean a crappy trip away anyway.

It sounds like how I imagine prison would be.

Yep, I'd bow out of this one. She sounds a nightmare. We've had holidays with family and we were the ones with little kids. (3 under 4s at one point). They fitted in round the adults and we made no demands on anyone else.

I wouldn't be entertaining anyone else's rigid timetable on a weekend away. We've always gone with the 'do your own thing' vibe on joint holidays.

Yep, that has nightmare written all over it. I would either bow out or speak up. We would love to join you for the trip, but the tight scheduling doesn't work for us. We will look for alternative accommodation so we have a little more flexibility.

Not normal. Can you get separate accommodation?

Can you opt out of some of it. 'Oh, we thought we'd like to take ourselves off to see/do whatever on Saturday so we'll come meet you for dinner' or 'we're hoping for a bit of a lie in as have been super busy at work, we'll just go out for breakfast', thank kind of thing?

I think it's fine to say that's too restrictive for us currently.
We'll find alternative accommodation or join at a different occasion or whatever.

Surely that's better for everyone than friction on the trip?

Honestly, been there done that and my advice is opt out! Last time we went away with DH's family my SiL chose everything - the place (somewhere she'd been before that was appropriate for her children's ages but not ours), the dates (including over my birthday), where we ate, what we ate, when we ate. I felt like we'd all been forced to go on "SiL's holiday" and really didn't like it.
She's organised the same thing this year and in-laws are keen we go. I'm swinging between refusing and saying I will, but me and DH will be taking some time to do our own thing. I know that won't go down well.
If you have the slightest inkling that you won't like this set up SiL has proposed OP then don't go x

I would cancel immediately if she used the phrase wake windows alone.

I wouldn't expect anyone but a very compliant grandparent to want those restrictions on what's supposed to be a fun trip. I'd pass or find other accomodation nearby

Maybe she won’t 🙈. Some people are shameless. I had a “friend” (not friends now as her having children turned her into a prize bell end) who did all of these things and more:

-Requested l get up at 5am to drive halfway up the country to visit, as my arrival time “fitted in with their nap time”
-Insisted all parents should start work an hour or so earlier and later to non-parents but get paid the full salary. “Not their fault they have children and they’re very busy”
-Recused to go out for the evening more than a mile her house
-Declined to text, message or ring anyone at the weekend. As the weekend was for “quality time with the children”.

I could provide many more examples but you get the idea

I wouldn't opt out completely; it's only a weekend, not a two week holiday.

Adapt plans when you get there ... when going to bed, say you're having a lie-in the next morning if that's what you want, etc.

I had something similar a couple of years ago. A family Christmas trip that someone was trying to organise to death. After I stopped laughing at the idea that they thought they could do that I explained that it never had, and never would work like that.

Say no and be clear that you mean it.

Could you say you’re really looking forward to spending time together and that you’re decided to book a separate accommodation since you don’t want you don’t want your timings to clash with DNs and you’ll obviously not be on toddler time.