Uneasy at the idea of SIL being in charge of the whole trip

[Greenstorm]

We’re trying to plan a trip away to the coast for the weekend as a family, staying in shared accommodation but the planning more comes in when deciding where to eat as a group, when to socialise and mingle, when to go on walks and the exact route (timed to fit the nap times).

SIL is insisting that everyone must eat breakfast at set time, lunch at set time etc and arrive by a certain time as that’s when their DDs wake window is and if people are arriving with bags after that time then it’ll wake her up and ruin their night so stipulating we all must set off in convoy at a certain time. Her daughter is 13 months, be 15 months when they go away. She is sending us times for meals and saying it’s important it’s stuck to. It is making me think the whole trip will be a bit of a chore. The grandparents think they are being too restrictive but SIL is a bit commandeering and will very much get her own way, plus their DD is first and eldest grandchild and as such understandably doted on and nobody wants to rock the apple cart. I am not sure how they can be sure their timings will even be accurate in a couple of months but that part is none of my business and what they do is up to them. What does concern us is the expectation we must dance to their tune….

AIBU to just opt out of this one? It’ll cause a stir inevitably and we’ll be the bad guys or labelled as naive as we have it yet to come. We are already hearing all those ‘just you wait’ remarks. I get parenting isn’t a walk in the park but surely expecting other people to also conform to your strict daily schedule is a bridge too far?

My mates older dc had a rotten few years when their db arrived.. Naps had to be at x time in his cot... Dragged away from play groups and didn't go to nursery as timings were wrong for db's naps...
Parties were out of the question. Too loud for ds's naps..
She had a dh btw..

She's being ridiculous.

I'd just say I'm not going go on a holiday dictated by toddler nap times.

So either she needs to reset her expectations or I'd not go.

You can't hear me OP, but I'm sat on my sofa shouting 'save yourself @Greenstorm '

Hard hard pass to this 'holiday'

It's PFB nonsense. Our DC were in a very strict schedule when they were tiny because that suited them and us. We never for a moment expected anyone else to fit in.

"That doesn't work for us" is the phrase you need. If you want to go away then book somewhere close by and meet for a drink.

I'm thinking the shared accommodation is the issue here.

If you do go with the plan as per sil, expected to be bossed around. Sounds dreadful.

If I otherwise liked SIL I’d probably still go. Quite partial to a nap myself so I could just tune in with the 15 mo for the weekend.

The other thing to say OP is that if you go and put up with this on this occasion you've set the precedent and you'll be kicking yourself for years to come.

I was nothing like this with PFB. Most people aren't.

Yes, the only way I'd go is if my family 'unit' had their own accommodation, sorted our own breakfast and we all ate out for dinner. Lunch a moveable feast since you might all be out doing an activity.
It's a shame because I really enjoyed this sort of break when mine were little. I didn't stick rigidly to the dc routine and really appreciated the extra hands willing and able to help out. It was the only aspect of "it takes a village" I ever saw as lived away from family.

I would get my own accommodation and join them for some lunch/walks or dinners of the timings suit you, if that's not possible I wouldn't be going

Flipping heck what must she be like to work with? What a precious nightmare.

I wouldn't say no in advance. I'd just go and do as I pleased. Oh you're all going to sit quietly and read because DC is napping, how lovely we're going out, see you this evening for dinner.
Oh you're eating at 4:30 to suit DC , that's too early for us don't worry about taking us into account for the restaurant reservation ad infinitum.
If their plans suit your wants great do things together, if they don't smile and be assertive in your separate plans

The trip would be a no for me, SIL can’t control the full weekend to suit her, life doesn’t work that way and it’s a break for everyone. She’s being ridiculous.

Just don't go! I've learned from experience that family holidays only work when you've got separate accommodation, especially with people who think the whole world revolves around their children! 😂

Haha! I'd sit this one out. I highly doubt she'll be up for the same in a few years when her DC is older and expected to follow your babies schedule.

I was very PFB with my first born. I still am a bit with my third. None of my kids have napped through any noise (believe me we did everything right in trying to nap them in light and noise from the start but by 6 weeks they weren’t having it). However we have never forced others to fit in with our schedule. I think it would be polite to not arrive arrive at toddler’s bedtime and therefore risk waking them, but the rest of it is ridiculous. Dictating what time people should eat breakfast, lunch and dinner?!?! They can plan what time they will do those things to fit in with their child, but if that doesn’t work for anyone else then they’ll just not have to join you.

We’ve learnt from experience and for our own stress that for holidays with family it is easier to stay in separate accommodation (both parents and in laws are ridiculously loud and don’t try to be quiet and it’s just not relaxing for us). And meet up at convenient times for everyone. Less stress and time both alone and with family.

Surely you don't have to do everything together on the trip? Even if sharing accommodation? I'd make it clear you will be doing your own thing.

If you still want to go (not sure I would) but make it actually enjoyable… go for separate accommodations. I’m sure the grandparents will end up spending more time at yours needing a break. Then you can join up for the fun bits and go relax at yours for the not fun bits.

I had very dear sister and brother in law like this. I just nodded, smiled and we went on our own.
Also had the whole " just wait til you have kids" but oddly, when it came to it, our babies were expected to fit in with her, much older kids.
Funny that!

I’d go .. and ignore the timings .. do your own thing. Let’s face it, timings always go out the window on these sorts of trips

Oh god I still remember the family weekend where we couldn't eat dinner until SIL's kids had gone to sleep.

I cracked when they were still up at 10pm and made myself a cheese sandwich and it kicked off the family row to end all family rows.

Don't go.

No chance I’d spend my money and free time for this. And this comes from someone who was very precious about wake windows and sleep of LO at that age.
the difference is I didn’t drag a bunch of people who are supposed to be enjoying their time off in my sleep routine ideas.

This sounds brilliant @Octavia64 please elaborate hahaha why did they get arsey over a sandwich when you were almost in midnight feast territory? I would have been ordering pizza 2 hours before ehahahaha

Just don’t go. It won’t end well. If you go and do as you please then I bet there will be a big fallout or just an awful atmosphere. She sounds like a nightmare. It will not resemble a holiday.

Definitely opt out of this one.

And then watch smugly as their trip disintegrates into resentment and anger.

Everyone is right that she's being unreasonable, however it's only a weekend, maybe not worth spoiling your relationship with them over? Or maybe she needs to understand she can't dictate in this way. I'd be inclined to stay quiet for now but when you're there drop some comments and try to make it more flexible as the weekend goes on.