Uneasy at the idea of SIL being in charge of the whole trip

[Greenstorm]

We’re trying to plan a trip away to the coast for the weekend as a family, staying in shared accommodation but the planning more comes in when deciding where to eat as a group, when to socialise and mingle, when to go on walks and the exact route (timed to fit the nap times).

SIL is insisting that everyone must eat breakfast at set time, lunch at set time etc and arrive by a certain time as that’s when their DDs wake window is and if people are arriving with bags after that time then it’ll wake her up and ruin their night so stipulating we all must set off in convoy at a certain time. Her daughter is 13 months, be 15 months when they go away. She is sending us times for meals and saying it’s important it’s stuck to. It is making me think the whole trip will be a bit of a chore. The grandparents think they are being too restrictive but SIL is a bit commandeering and will very much get her own way, plus their DD is first and eldest grandchild and as such understandably doted on and nobody wants to rock the apple cart. I am not sure how they can be sure their timings will even be accurate in a couple of months but that part is none of my business and what they do is up to them. What does concern us is the expectation we must dance to their tune….

AIBU to just opt out of this one? It’ll cause a stir inevitably and we’ll be the bad guys or labelled as naive as we have it yet to come. We are already hearing all those ‘just you wait’ remarks. I get parenting isn’t a walk in the park but surely expecting other people to also conform to your strict daily schedule is a bridge too far?

Go but get your own accommodation.

Group chat: “ hi SIL, have been thinking about the logistics of this and I just don’t think it will work. Realistically we are going to end up messing up DNS routine if we try to all share accommodation, so they’ll be upset, you’ll be upset and we’ll be upset we’ve upset you! How about we rethink and try to find something like two smaller cottages next to each other? Us and parents in one, you three in the other, so you have your own space, and can stick to DNS routine without worrying about trying to manage anyone else?”

or just drop out completely. You will get it wrong otherwise.

BTW - I do have sympathy with SIL, I had a child who if you stuck to routine would sleep through the night, if you didn’t, would not sleep, half an hour difference in the day would mean no sleep that night and normally for 2-3 nights after. So whatever else had to happen, we did not fuck with the routine! But we didn’t do anything as insane as try to do group holidays in that period.

I’d just reply- on the WhatsApp to help everyone else out ‘understand you need to keep to a strict routine for bub, we will just do breakfast and lunch separately as that just wont work for us /our dc(if you have them) And what is bubs dinner time? If before 6 we had better plan dinners separately too except maybe for one night going out. Looking forward to it!

My in laws do 8am breakfast get togethers, I just say we can perhaps make it by 9.

My baby is the exact same age as your SIL's and I wouldn't dream of behaving like your SIL. And if I did, my family would rightly tell me to get a grip.

I would object now and if that doesn't go down well I wouldn't go on the holiday.

I'd be like hehehe. Plan all you like love.

Chances are her child won't conform either. Best to play it by ear. Say nothing. Do what you like.

Don't go anywhere with people who talk about their child's "wake window" - you are not going to have any fun.

HTH.

Sounds like a particularly unpleasant boot camp rather than a holiday! Children have to be flexible, such rigidity doesn’t bode well.

I’d be staying at home.

I agree with whoever said to say nothing in advance, but quietly opt out as much as you can while there. Go out a lot. Good luck!

We do a family holiday with the in laws every year. When DC1 was 7 weeks old I refused to go out for dinner at all that week because I knew I’d spend the whole time either breastfeeding or walking them up and down trying this stop the evening grizzles they are so fond of at that age. I never once suggested that others shouldn’t go out but was pretty insistent that if they did they bought a decent dessert back for me.

We had a similar trip with my sister being the one with the baby. We now laugh a bit hysterically about it.

The best bit was when my nephew didn’t follow his usual home routine because he wasn’t at home and f**ked up my sisters timing.

We still had a good trip and on the most part ignored my sister and her nap/food times … she forgave us as we took the baby in the morning so her and bro in law could lie in.

Probably helped it was my sister and could tell her to cop on. Not sure I could be so bolshy with my sis in law.

Bet it's lights and TV off before 9 incase you wake the baby..
Who incidentally is def toddler stage not a baby by then...

Also have a SIL who completely calls the shots and her kids are by far the favourites in terms of endless babysitting of them and fawning over them and their needs when ours get nowhere near the same attention. It’s all so intense and focused on this one person’s experience that group stuff is always miserable so I recently just drew a boundary around going on a big joint holiday.

your SIL is probably not trying to be controlling and is likely just anxious about routines and how she will cope etc but that doesn’t mean she gets to control you or call the shots, it’s far too much and it would be wild to facilitate that.

Btw - all advice presumes you are paying for this trip. If SIL/PIL are paying, then you go along with the rules, or drop out.

if you are paying for a third of this trip, then say this doesn’t work for you now, so you can find an alternative (like separate accommodation close enough to still spent time together) or cancel.

I cringe at myself now that I used to work things around my kids naps like ten world would end if I didn't. But I would have never EVER made anyone else follow my timescale, I just restricted myself to it (until I realised I was a bit batshit). She's so selfish thinking everyone should dance to her tune

For the sake of a weekend I’d do it as it won’t be the end of the world to have things at a set time for a handful of meals. I also suspect that in the future you’ll all laugh at her approach but it’ll be harder if she’s offended

#the world would end

No from me, I do like rough plans but it is a holiday not the army

Can't you just suggest separate accommodation, doing your own thing and meeting at certain points, doing your own thing in between?

I don’t think OP would get the extra pair of hands more like she would be expected to provide them to her SIL .

I would opt out or stay nearby and pop over when convenient to you

I think your instincts are correct. The SIL sounds rather entitled

Send a message to say you're not comfortable with the level of restrictions and see if you get any conciliatory reply. If not, don't go.

She sounds absolutely bat-shit and a pretty poor excuse of a parent tbh.
I bet she schedules on an excel when she and her partner are allowed to have sex. That said, would you want to with someone as controlling as that?
Don’t go OP and be crystal clear as to why.

I’m already kicking off in my head 😣