Partners with ADHD

[PheobeBebe]

How much do you let slide with a partner who has ADHD?

My husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, ambitious, a good provider and extremely generous. He isn't controlling in any way and very loving and supportive.

However......he drives me bonkers! He has self-diagnosed ADHD and has had therapy for his traumatic childhood (which to be fair was horrendous), but these are always given as excuses for his short-comings. I don't mind taking on the traditional wife role - I only work 26 hours pw whereas he works FT so I don't mind doing the cleaning, life admin, shopping etc. But for taking on the 'traditional wife' duties I expect him to take on the 'husband' duties. Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them, I have artwork to go on the wall which has been stored behind the sofa for months, there are items on the landing that need to go in the loft and been there for 3 weeks, DD got a flatpack item for her birthday and he didn't put it together for 2 weeks and even then it's because I unpacked it so he didn't have much choice. If I ask him to do anything I'm 'nagging' and 'he was just about to do it'. Last weekend we were having a discussion about feminism and this came up (not in a heated way, just talking) and he asked me 'do you really think I do these things on purpose?'. While I do have sympathy that he may find it harder to focus and get organised, I still can't help but think surely he still see's the items sitting on the landing / the overflowing bin etc. Sometimes he eventually gets around to doing these jobs, but quite often I let it slide and do it for him. But then I get more and more resentful.

AIBU for feeling resentful that I have to pick up his slack when I am already doing the lions share of everything at home? Or can he really not help himself and I just need to suck it up?

He really can’t help himself. Sorry. Offer to do them together or ask him to do them “would you be able to…” rather than nagging or demanding which is likely to have the opposite effect.

He should be stepping up, you are not his mum but sadly nagging or getting frustrated will only make you both unhappy.

I suggest a shared list (you can collaborate on iPhone notes) so you can write down all the small jobs that you want him to job.

often with adhd it’s the “task initiation” executive function skill that is missing.

Dear lord I could have written your post! Our house is full of things waiting for DH to sort. And yes, some of them I could do myself but usually when i try I fuck it up and he gets annoyed!

Thank you for the tips @Squidlydoo . It is interesting that it's the actually initiating of the task that's difficult, that's definitely true for DH. Once he's done it, or started it, he does a great job. But it is difficult not to nag, there's only so many times I can say "would you" and he says "i'll do it later/tomorrow" and I don't feel I can remind him later or tomorrow!

It’s also to do with dopamine - chances are he is enjoying a high dopamine task (phone scrolling/ gaming) and the low dopamine task (job you want him to do) feels impossibly dull. At to that a task initiation malfunction and a genuine inability to notice that tasks even need doing - you have a recipe for disaster

while you may not want to keep reminding - good to bring it up (at a time you’re not frustrated) and agree together the plan of action. Sometimes combining a high dopamine task with the low dopamine tasks.

ADHDers also have two time periods - “now” and “not now” which means they’re terrible at planning or doing anything within timelines unless it’s something they highly value

all is not lost though, they can overcome some of these negative traits but need to create urgency in the task

Thank you for your replies. I do try to be sympathetic I swear! I need a system that works that he won't take offense to - the shared notes idea could work thank you. Any other pearls of wisdom please share...

I think just pay someone to do the Diy otherwise it will drive you mad

Sometimes if there’s something I’m putting off I need my DH to help me physically get started. Or halfway through I lose steam so I’ll ask him to come in and help me for 5 minutes. It’s called body doubling. Very useful for motivation - and it’s not doing it for him it’s being there while he does it.

i always think “I’ll do that in a minute” then I forget to do it. I can step over mess for days before I pick it up. My office bin needs emptying, come to think of it. I’ll remember on Monday when I’m sitting next to it but by then I’ll be busy working and won’t have time to sort it out. I spend a lot more time and effort sorting communal areas which means my office and floordrobe are often really messy.

I used to use an app called Sweepy which worked for a little while but now I just ignore the daily notification. One thing I have started doing is straightening up the living room every night before bed - he could probably do something like that and that would help

it’s really not easy living like this - but it does sound like he needs to try harder

There is no doubt you are empathetic and kind – but ADHD is so frustrating, you’re not unreasonable to feel resentful.

Was also here to suggest you make a time to do furniture assembly/diy stuff together but seeing someone else say just pay for it to be done is making me think you should do that instead.

For the bins, you could try turning it into a race while you do something else. You could set a reminder, even a couple of reminders so he’s got 10 minutes then one minute until it needs doing. Tying it to an existing habit could work – a show you always watch, an activity he goes to weekly? Having bin liners upstairs and downstairs reduces friction for me

I do think having pink and blue jobs is not helpful if you actually want stuff done. If something is my job I’ll do it when I am able to get to it - you nagging would not make me do it faster. If you want flatpack done then do it together. Say “can we put the stuff in the loft now” and then make him go up in the loft while you hand it up to him. You saying “can you put the stuff in the loft” and expecting it to get done is not that realistic. I think your rigid thinking and your expectation that he should be able to just get on with this stuff is adding to your frustration. It is incredibly difficult for him to just get on with it.

I do also get that if probably doesn’t seem fair that you have to do all this extra labour to get him to pull his weight but he’s really not doing it on purpose. Like someone else said there’s “now” and “not now” in his mind. He’s not going to be able to change so you need to change how you respond to it. Redistribute household tasks so that you aren’t doing all your tasks and “half of his” - see if he thinks there’s anything of your tasks he would be better at. I do all the bills and paperwork in my house while my DH is much better at keeping on top of cleaning the kitchen (for example)

By better at your task I don’t mean better than you I mean - better able to organise himself to do the food shopping instead of emptying the bins for example.

Some really good explanations on this thread and all very true. Very frustrating for you (I frustrate myself tbh) but some good tips with the body doubling etc and creating urgency, creating interest and novelty if possible also helps.

I did just want to mention this though "Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them". Why would you empty a bin before it's "nearly overflowing" surely a "nearly overflowing" bin is just a "full bin"???

@PheobeBebe I could have written lots of your op.

DH has diagnosed ADHD (18 months ago) and having the diagnosis has actually helped him a lot. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a magic wand that improved his ways but it's allowed him to understand himself more and work with the ADHD traits rather than against.

We have 2 big DIY items he agreed would be helpful to have- both are in the shed outside, 2 years and nearly a year they've been there!

I can be quite harsh with him if needed and will say don't blame the 'adhd' as I'm pointing this out/ asking you etc because there was a phase of a few weeks of 'I have ADHD I'll do as I want I can't help it'.
We've been together 17 years so I know when it's a genuine ADHD trait he cannot help/ change or if he's anxious or distressed and I wouldn't say anything then as it's not fair.

Would your DH want to be diagnosed, would it make a difference? Mine is also on medication now which helps a lot.

Why don’t you put up the picture and build the flat plack though? Obviously I’m not saying you should do everything, but it sounds you’ve fallen a bit into blue jobs and pink jobs here.

He’s got ADHD - high dopamine tasks are better for him.

Another sympathetic nod here, OP. Our Christmas stuff was boxed up for twelfth night and is still sitting neatly on the landing (I have mobility issues, definitely can’t put them away myself).

We are gradually working on a nightly/weekly checklist of jobs. I’ve made a list of things that need to be done nightly/in the morning before work, and other bigger weekly tasks. I would rather they were done at night, DH likes to do them in the morning but ultimately if they get done, I keep quiet. So to begin with it was things like “air and make the bed” - he’s up after me, so this has to be on him. Once that’s an embedded routine, I add something else.

Some stuff has happened organically, eg wash bottles and put the steriliser on - I’m up first so it makes sense for me to do the night bottle clear up, except he kept leaving them in the nursery if he did the night shift. So I added “bring bottle out to landing when DD has finished”. It feels like a never ending battle, and I know it frustrates him too, but this is helping both of us be more accountable which can only be a good thing.

Sometimes, just spending 5 minutes to help him get stuck in can make all the difference.

I have ADHD. It's no excuse for not pulling one's weight at home.

"Darling, we need to make sure we are balancing the load at home. I know you have felt before that I'm nagging. What's the best way for us to work together so that stuff gets done?"

Make him come up with some of the solutions.

Does he have a visible list of the stuff that's his responsibility? Is there a specific bin day (adhd loves a deadline). Sometimes boring tasks can be made more attractive if you try to beat the clock - he might try a power hour (or power 15 minutes) of blitzing his household tasks each evening, for example.

Lots of tactics to try. Shouldn't be on you to think them up.

If he's self-diagnosed what is he doing about learning coping strategies? Medication?

I'm married to a man like this. If I wanted something done I'd start the job. Pictures I'd get the stepladder measuring tape, hammer, hooks, pictures and call him into help.

Garden I wanted a concrete path up so I organised a skip, hired a kango hammer and started the job he soon helped.

Laundry, full bins, I promise you he just doesn't see them.

Some sealant needs redoing behind the sink and around the bath. This weekend I'll ask him where the sealant is telling him I'm going to have a go at doing it. He'll soon take over knowing that I would have a go and it won't be done well.

Thank you all so much for your wisdom and tips. I didn't know body doubling was a thing but makes total sense - only last weekend I finally got him to do a tip run that needed doing because we loaded the car together, which was fine. The trouble then was that he wanted me to go to the tip with him and the car wash after when I suggested we divide and conquer (I would walk the dog). He was insistent that we went together and there would be time for him to walk the dog before he was due to go out, but of course we both went to the tip and car wash and when we got back he only had 20 minutes to get washed and out. So I ended up walking the dog as well.
I know he struggles and doesn't mean to upset. I'm just exhausted from carrying the mental load of everyone. Now the kids are teens I feel I am constantly having to keep them on top of their to do lists (rooms tidy / study time / training and matches / homework etc) and I have to do the same for my husband too. I have my own to do list to worry about but I'm the admin of four peoples to do lists! I'm just so tired...

DH may possibly have a mild form of ADHD.

He knows that anything left out for more than a day will go in the understairs cupboard until he sorts it.

Take control of the stuff!

I just got done posting on another thread about one of my top tips for helping neurospicy folks manage their own things (and lessen the mental load for you). If you have a home smart device such as Alexa, let Alexa run those routines to remind your husband and teens of what they need to be doing.

They get to build their own routines with your help and guidance, program the Alexa, and let it go.

It takes you out of having to micro-manage the household.

Another 'mental load' tip: "Grocery Elimination List" ... you know how you usually buy the same stuff on the weekly shop? Make a list of all of those. When it comes to making up the grocery, instead of having to remember what all is needed, just cross them off the list of usuals instead. I even made a personal app for it to cut down on paper printouts.

TBH I think I have this and am not great with cleaning, organising, focussing. My DH is OCD, introvert, needs everything in order. I'm like a extrovert chaos merchant basically. But when I look at cleaning tasks, and bar washing up and bathrooms, just think, yeah that can wait/ it doesn't bother me enough. I can't focus on anything meaningful in terms of cleaning other than bare essentials. It's about how much of their traits are acceptable. With us there's kind of push and shove but he loves cleanliness so cleans more than me. I guess my dad bullied my Mum into being very tidy and clean, when he passed we could just be ourselves and relax. That's bound to be a part of it, how you grow up.

Oh we have a shopping list pad we share it's on the kitchen windowsill with pens whoever finds something running low writes it on the list. If it's not on the list he does without.

A phone calendar has been a godsend his appointments, etc he writes them in immediately that's improved things. Although yesterday I was in the office and the MOT reminder was there, he'd forgotten that, but it's booked now.

My sons are similar but are more aware of coping strategies. One lives by his diary. One procrastinates, the third it's less obvious but struggled with revision at school. They're all so untidy 🙈

I can see traits in my grandchildren which makes me smile.

YANBU for resenting having to pick up the slack for someone with anything self diagnosed. If he suspects he has ADHD he should seek a diagnosis and take it from there.

I feel you because I am him, and currently on the long waiting list but I live as a lone parent so there’s no one around to remind me to do the things or body double. It’s nightmare, I try, I last for a week then it all slides and then I have to I a giant clean up. I don’t know what the solution is but I can tell you that he will inwardly be feeling terrible about it all the time. I’m not sure that helps? But we generally know we are a failure compared to other people without ADHD, and it’s hard to live with the shame.

I try lots of strategies. Sometimes they work sometimes they don’t, and then I have to think of new ones. It’s exhausting, but I genuinely understand it must be so difficult to live with.

I don’t know OP but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t marry DH.

Over the years I have dealt with exactly the ADHD you describe. It has been so fucking selfish and disregarded the needs and successful functioning of the family. I literally hate him for it because I have had to do 150% of the effort.

I wish I could leave but he is a nice guy and the DCs love him and he is my oldest friend and memory sharer. So I just keep it in, even though everywhere I look he has let me down.

That's stressful for your husband if he has OCD. My friend is disorganized house untidy which upsets her. But she works, has a family so something has to give. She has a cleaner once a week now so there's a mad panic the night before when things have to be tidied up. She loves to walk into a clean tidy house once a week