Partners with ADHD

[PheobeBebe]

How much do you let slide with a partner who has ADHD?

My husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, ambitious, a good provider and extremely generous. He isn't controlling in any way and very loving and supportive.

However......he drives me bonkers! He has self-diagnosed ADHD and has had therapy for his traumatic childhood (which to be fair was horrendous), but these are always given as excuses for his short-comings. I don't mind taking on the traditional wife role - I only work 26 hours pw whereas he works FT so I don't mind doing the cleaning, life admin, shopping etc. But for taking on the 'traditional wife' duties I expect him to take on the 'husband' duties. Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them, I have artwork to go on the wall which has been stored behind the sofa for months, there are items on the landing that need to go in the loft and been there for 3 weeks, DD got a flatpack item for her birthday and he didn't put it together for 2 weeks and even then it's because I unpacked it so he didn't have much choice. If I ask him to do anything I'm 'nagging' and 'he was just about to do it'. Last weekend we were having a discussion about feminism and this came up (not in a heated way, just talking) and he asked me 'do you really think I do these things on purpose?'. While I do have sympathy that he may find it harder to focus and get organised, I still can't help but think surely he still see's the items sitting on the landing / the overflowing bin etc. Sometimes he eventually gets around to doing these jobs, but quite often I let it slide and do it for him. But then I get more and more resentful.

AIBU for feeling resentful that I have to pick up his slack when I am already doing the lions share of everything at home? Or can he really not help himself and I just need to suck it up?

Yes my DH has it but undiagnosed. He calls it his super power. I just call it his way of torturing me. I'm afraid it's turned me into a nagging wife and it's probably affected the relationship as I just see him as a kid rather than as a husband. However like others describe he is so lovely and has been there for me and is a great dad.

@justasking111 Lol, it's more stressful for me that I can't clean properly due to my own MH/PH issues. It's great your friend has a cleaner. We have one (I live with elderly mum/DH) but my anxiety is too strong to let her come into my rooms to clean. It's fine though as I get a bit of a boost and then suddenly do get the hoover out, do laundry etc. Occasionally! Not today though...

It's kind of a super power. DH a brilliant engineer a great father.

Three children all talented in their professions. They're all good men. Two of them fantastic dads.

It's just domestically they're such a drag sigh.

Oh my friends cleaner has seen it all. They don't judge. If you like get a different cleaner to your mum.

It's just domestically they're such a drag sigh.

Funny that. Pretty fucking convenient that their super-power falls short exactly where there’s a woman to sort things out.

@audweb sums it up perfectly

@Raspberryjamsandwich thanks. Sometimes people who don’t know me so well think my possible diagnosis is likely wrong, but they don’t see the utter chaos I hide/mask from people.

there’s no easy solution. I want to do the things but no matter how hard I try I can’t do the things, or at least not sustain them.

reading a lot of useful info about low energy and high energy days, and systems rather than habits which has helped, and shifted my mindset and generally helps - but I’m alone so no one else has to put up with how I manage that. Body doubling definitely helps / I work in the office so I see other people work and it makes my mind get that I should be working.

also! Top tip, if you have things to do don’t take your shoes off when you come in, until you have done the things. If I take my shoes off or sit down, game over, nothing is getting done. It sounds stupid but it genuinely helps.

still not hung up the photo frame I bought three years ago though, but the dishes are done.

@Squidlydoo is spot on.

But it is very hard for one adult to need to be another adult's external brain. I think this is often why there is burnout for parents of youth with neurodivergence and partners of people with neurodivergence. I have two dear friends married to men with ADHD and trauma. There is a huge compromise they make in order to stay in the relationship. They have loving partners, but the mental load is truly exhausting for both and deeply impacts how they feel about their partners on the hard days.

I just made a thread earlier today about how I think I might have ADHD and how much I’m struggling. I feel for you, OP - it is tough having to do the thinking for anyone else. But I do just feel really shit about myself all the time for not managing to do the kinds of things you mention. I don’t know if that helps you at all!

I also want to say thank you to @audweb . You put it really well, and also gave me some useful tips!

I also have a daughter who has ADHD. It caused complete burnout for her, panic disorder and agoraphobia. She now has a diagnosis and is on medication. However, it's taken it toll on me. There's resentment I feel towards my DH because had he tackled his own diagnosis then I think I would have been more aware of my daughters diagnosis. I feel he gas lit me for a long time. When I said I don't think this is normal that you don't do X and Y he would just get defensive and make out I was overly critical. He still hasn't sought help. He still utters this 'superpower' mantra. It definitely has not been for our daughter!

I think you need to implement a 'strengths based' approach.

Hes bad at getting tasks around the house done. Hes a good provider.

You can organise (your relative strength) to use the money he provides (his strength) to pay a handyman to fill the gaps (weaknesses).

My dh is also self diagnosed ADHD and is exactly like this. His Christmas presents are still in the corner of the living room floor - mine and the kids were put away on Boxing Day. Over the last few years he has promised time and time again to do various things (voluntarily) but never does, hence I have laid decking on my own, fixed the heating, fixed broken toilets. I don't have any answers, but share your frustration.
Last week he went to the shop for something dd needed for school and came back with 5 other items and had completely forgotten the thing she needed. This is a regular occurrence, as is losing his keys, wallet, important documents, his glasses, his laptop charger, his headphones. I wish he would go and get properly diagnosed as medication may help, but he can never get round to making a follow up appointment with the GP after I made him the initial appointment to get the forms (which he has probably lost).

I know if he has ADHD he can't help it, but it is like having 4 children in the house who all need me to do the emotional labour of their lives for them.

Explain it’s upsetting you and you both need a strategy. Ask him to put a reminder on his phone about the bins and other routine tasks so you don’t have to remind him. Put a list of household DIY on the fridge - picture frames, flat pack furniture building etc.

100%. It is draining to live with and has resulted in ADHD being passed down to at least two of our children. DH is great, I love him and he operates work-wise at a very high capacity but fuck me I am over living with so many people with ADHD!!

My biggest tip OP is routines and systems and pushing your DH to get diagnosed. Diagnosis may mean meds and meds have massively helped my family members with ADHD. My high school son has greatly benefited from an ADHD coach as well.

I would not be accepting this behaviour from somebody who is 'self diagnosed'. How come he can perform at work but not at home? ADHD affects every area of my life including school, work, parenting etc.

I also start a job and as soon as I get the drill/ladders out he has to take over which was the plan all along

I am starting to feel the same.

It's exhausting.

I'm reading these suggestions of "you can start it off for him" or "you can do it together" or "just do it yourself" and it makes me so angry and resentful.

Why the fuck should I have to do everything?

This isn't the life I chose.

Add in the emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitive dysmorphia and a lot of the time I honestly feel like would be easier without him.

I have ADHD so do my DC, but this behavior you're describing sounds like average NT behavior of a slightly lazy dh.

We manage these things by having a shared todoist app. We have a household list and we have an hour or two across the weekend where we each tick things off it. Once dh has started he might tick a few off so he 'wins' bless him, not realising that in doing so I have won

You can't catch ADHD. If it passed down it's generic, not because they saw DH being scatty.

This. I have ADD but because i'm aware of it i can manage it and put systems in place, WORK on it. NT DP is just a lazy bastard in the house.

Do it yourself. Emptying a few bins and hanging a picture won’t kill you. It’s like getting shitty over who’s gonna load or unload the dishwasher or I took the dog for a walk last time.

Perhaps it’s just me but if I see something that needs doing, like the upstairs bins, I get on and do it. And yes I work full time and have three kids. It just doesn’t worry me.

It doesn’t bother me

What are high dopamine tasks please?

It's really, really difficult. I don't even have a list of tasks I want my husband to do, I just wish he would stop making my life more difficult. Starting ridiculous projects that he's never going to finish, which leaves the house more broken than it was in the first place. Or randomly unplugging the freezer for some Very Important Reason, then forgetting to plug it back in again. And just the constant mess and general chaos.

I've always worked part time, and we've managed. But I finally took a full time promotion that I've always wanted, and now I just don't have the bandwidth to absorb the extra work and stress any more. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, and there's no malice behind it, but it's still very difficult to live with.

Thank you all for your comments. It has been really useful to hear from those who are in my shoes, and those with the condition who can make me see the other side of this coin. I've also learnt a few things - @WelcomeToMonkeyTown I had never heard of rejection sensitive dysmorphia - this is definitely a trait he has but never knew it was connected to ADHD! Thank you for sharing. To those saying just do it yourself, the simple answer is no. I signed up to a partnership, not to be someone's mum - I'm pleased that it works in your own homes and you are happy, but doing everything is not the answer here. To start I have made him a to do list on Alexa and will ask him to set phone reminders for regular tasks. I've always not seen the point in getting him diagnosed as I don't think he'd take medication, but I'm changing my mind on this too.