Partners with ADHD

[PheobeBebe]

How much do you let slide with a partner who has ADHD?

My husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, ambitious, a good provider and extremely generous. He isn't controlling in any way and very loving and supportive.

However......he drives me bonkers! He has self-diagnosed ADHD and has had therapy for his traumatic childhood (which to be fair was horrendous), but these are always given as excuses for his short-comings. I don't mind taking on the traditional wife role - I only work 26 hours pw whereas he works FT so I don't mind doing the cleaning, life admin, shopping etc. But for taking on the 'traditional wife' duties I expect him to take on the 'husband' duties. Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them, I have artwork to go on the wall which has been stored behind the sofa for months, there are items on the landing that need to go in the loft and been there for 3 weeks, DD got a flatpack item for her birthday and he didn't put it together for 2 weeks and even then it's because I unpacked it so he didn't have much choice. If I ask him to do anything I'm 'nagging' and 'he was just about to do it'. Last weekend we were having a discussion about feminism and this came up (not in a heated way, just talking) and he asked me 'do you really think I do these things on purpose?'. While I do have sympathy that he may find it harder to focus and get organised, I still can't help but think surely he still see's the items sitting on the landing / the overflowing bin etc. Sometimes he eventually gets around to doing these jobs, but quite often I let it slide and do it for him. But then I get more and more resentful.

AIBU for feeling resentful that I have to pick up his slack when I am already doing the lions share of everything at home? Or can he really not help himself and I just need to suck it up?

I had something of a break down earlier this year as the years of dealing with dh's (and our children) adhd have taken such a toll on me. Answers involving me doing yet more work just make me despair, but I don't know what the alternative is. Other than leaving.
Any support I access is always for the person with adhd, not for those worn down by supporting them.

I would cut him a lot of slack if he actually got a diagnosis but I don't think self diagnosing yourself with something then insisting everyone else acts like you have that thing and it excuses you from doing things is ok.

He needs to go and get a diagnosis and then you take it from there. Especially because there are treatments for ADHD that could help your situation that he should be willing to try due to the impact on your household.

I will say though that I have diagnosed inattentive adhd and there isn't a single system that I have tried that has ever helped me. It's possible if he truly does have ADHD that there isn't a system that will help him too.

When my eldest was studying at school and university he listened to music. He still does headphones on. Luckily he's self employed so no-one to object.

He hired a guy with the same issue who was beaten down in his previous job seven years of being misunderstood. You should see him now from a timid young man who couldn't engage with clients he's flying. From not getting a girlfriend he's now engaged to be married.

Apologies for the generalisation.

Every woman I know with ADHD has a million tricks and systems and phone reminders and apps etc that she uses to manage her ADHD and still be a productive person who runs a house and sorts all the complex things children need to thrive.

Every man I know with ADHD is like 'merp. 🤷‍♂️ I have ADHD.' and expects the nearest woman to manage his life for him.

OP, is your DH on the internet looking for coping strategies for his ADHD?

I know a lot of people who have ADHD and work. They may be late for meetings and lose things, but if they are passionate about their jobs, they can hyperfocus.

He has been doing research into ADHD generally, I assume this branches into coping mechanisms but I'm not sure. He had some therapy last year and this came out of it and has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for him - He didn't present as a stereotypical ADHD kid at school (we met at school so I know this is the case) as in he was quiet and not disruptive so we never put 2 and 2 together until recent months.
To be fair to him, he did consider going to the doctor but I'm the one who told him not to bother. Mainly because the NHS is overstretched, and I didn't see the point if he's unlikely to accept meds. I'm changing my mind on this now

He might not be referred. In my health authority they people can only be referred for ADHD and autism diagnoses if they at risk of serious harm to themselves or others, at risk of being unable to get life-saving medical treatment, or if there is an imminent risk of family court decisions being determined on diagnosis.

"Self-diagnosed" doesn't mean that somebody saw a couple of tiktoks and couldn't be arsed taking it any further. Having said that, seeing a couple of tiktoks and not taking it any further is pretty much textbook ADHD behaviour.

I love my DH very much and he's an amazing man, who has ASD and ADHD. It varies which one I find more of a struggle. The ASD burnout and anxiety is horrible to see and I'm so upset for him in the bad periods. But I think the ADHD affects our daily lives more.

Basically, he uses all the executive functioning energy he's got on his work - which he loves, is good at, is very full on and pays most of our bills. So home just slides. We just about keep on top of the day to day but we could never get a project done on top of it. I've accepted that we just have to pay for DIY help at least while the kids are small.

Could you DH have jobs that are a single task at regular intervals? My husband does the dishes and kitchen surfaces after dinner (not perfect but functional and I do a big clean once a week). He also does the bins (one thing, once a week, I think he has a phone reminder). Or we do stuff together. For non regular stuff, sometimes I have to wait for him to get massively enthused about something - I asked him to speak to a financial advisor for about six months, and suddenly had meetings all lined upand now he obsessively checks the ISAs...

I've found the text requests/lists are much better than spoken ones to get stuff done. DHs auditory processing isn't his strongest, especially when tired or stressed. Also mutually agreeing that we will both do X thing on X evening. And giving up my fantasy of an uncluttered home where everything has a place.

But it also helps that my DH acknowledges that I do a lot to ensure the day to day gets done, and has done a lot of reading to try to understand himself better and come up with strategies to help rather than just shrugging it off with "I can't help it." For my part, I try to keep in mind that he's not doing this deliberately and that ADHD comes with a lot of shame - which I already see in our young son who is probably the same mix.

My DH has diagnosed adhd as does my DS17.

at weekends we will ask each other what we are doing- what needs doing? I’ll vacuum the living room and you grout the sink, etc. Often including the teenagers… no nagging needed there as were both doing something alongside each other. I totally get the ‘body doubling’ thing as I find it difficult to get started on something sometimes and a bit of company helps.

self knowledge is essential to cope as a family with ADHD though. He needs to learn about his own limits and how to set up the day so you can get stuff done. For instance how long can you concentrate, do you need a ‘reward’ to work towards (does the football start at 3pm? Let’s get this done before then), do you need to eat properly before starting a project? And so on.

if he genuinely thinks he has ADHD consider paying privately for diagnosis. He may want to try medication? My DS takes meds every day but my DH has lots of coping mechanisms and takes meds for concentration at times and if he has important meetings or events - or if he knows he has to be patient in a busy environment like a long train journey.

I just have to accept that he doesn't always remember things and I have an excellent memory so have to prompt him to do things often.

Is it frustrating? Yes. Do I get overloaded from time to time? Yes. But my husband is a wonderful man and father in every other way and I wouldn't be without him.

This is so sad for so many reasons. I can relate to some of what you say.

I'm the one with self-diagnosed ADHD - dh does carry some of the burden but I'd say it's a blessing and a curse - I get immersed in projects and have huge amounts of energy to get stuff done - the problem is if I can't get into something I really struggle with getting it done - if I have no interest I can't do it and at times he has found that frustrating but at other times the momentum and determination I can throw at something can be quite impressive. I married a very tolerant man!

I highly recommend the 2-part episode on ADHD that the podcast Oligies did. It featured Dr Russell Barkley who is an expert in ADHD & really helped me understand DH better.

Medication has made a big difference (we went via Right to Choose - took about 6 months I think? The ADHD UK website has a really helpful guide). I did support him with accessing RTC, with ensuring he filled in the forms & did the blood pressure monitoring etc for medication. I saw it as benefiting both of us tbh.

We definitely noticed a big difference when he was off meds recently due to medication shortages.

Since starting medication, he seems more able to "activate" & will spontaneously start doing something like cleaning the kitchen worktops, for example, because he can a) see it needs doing and b) start the task - whereas without meds he either wouldn't recognise it or couldn't start it.

Slightly different here, we're both dx, him ASD and me ASD/ADD... him through the NHS channels and me privately, because it makes no odds to me, I can't have any medical treatment anyway, he potentially might in the future.

I do let a lot slide.

I have to point out jobs that need doing, he won't see them.

I come up (with his input) ways to work around stuff - for example, written lists, not giving verbal instructions more than two items long.

He will always be easily distracted though, I have spent the better part of 40 years masking and working out my own workarounds, as I have had to. He, until he lived with me a/had no idea he was ASD and b/lived with his parents so he just had to go to work, come home, keep his own room tidy, no other responsibilities!

So when it comes to time management, I understand and im well practiced at say, swapping laundry from washer to dryer whilst the kettle boils, doing the washing up/wiping surfaces down whilst food cooks.

He will just sit and doom scroll on his phone whilst waiting, he can't multitask like that.

His natural understanding of time passing is not the same as mine either - in his mind, the time he spends thinking about doing a job is added to the time spent doing the job. He feels (genuinely I am sure) that he spends a minute or two having a sit down before doing something and is shocked to find out he has been sat for half an hour or an hour in reality.

This does lead to friction as theres often a lot to do, I am dependent on him doing may physical tasks as he is my carer and I can't do them!

You can see it in his responses to conversation too, where a NT person would have a pause of a few seconds, if that, before responding, DP will respond anywhere from a minute to five minutes later, often if theres other people around the conversation has long moved on and his response is now irrelevant which then makes things awkward and clumsy.

Sometimes, he has thought of his answer but not given it and is unaware of this, and does not make a noise, no hmm, umm, general 'I have heard you and I am thinking' type response either. Then I tend to nag, and then he gets cross as he thinks he has responded... and hasn't!

One I have got up to speed with and no longer throws me at all, but does others, is the random comments relating to something we were talking about earlier (hours or even days!), which pop up prompted by something... anything.. or nothing at all, vaguely linked. I can usually get on track with where his mind was in a few seconds now but it used to take a while!

Some of it is infuriating and sometimes he is genuinely being a lazy fuck (as I can be too!) but mostly it isn't intentional and we have muddled along for the last 19 years without murdering one another!!

My DH is going through the (slow) process of getting diagnosed for ADHD, but all of what you said is very similar to the way we work too.
Idk if this will help, but I had developed a 3-day-rule in my house.
So I’ll notice an incomplete task on Monday, I will keep my eye on it, but not nag bc he knows what his jobs are still an adult after all
and if it’s still not done by Wednesday I’ll politely remind him along the lines of “Hey I noticed X (the bins for example) on Monday and they’re still not done… when you find a minute today, I’d appreciate them to sorted please” and usually he’ll go “ah crap, you’re right I’ve been putting it off I’ll do it immediately” and then I would give myself the grace to nag from that point 🤭
that’s just us tho, hope you find a system that works 🩷

He does it on purpose.

I (f) have been diagnosed with ADHD and my DH doesn't have to put up with that shit from me.

Where i have struggles, i put in extra effort to make up for them, not use them as an excuse to do sweet fa.

That's weaponised incompetence.

Or, you have more coping mechanisms to deal with your adhd than op's husband does.

Absolutely.

I have ADHD and Autism as do my children. Our coping abilities vary and how it presents. ADHD presents differently in women and men too hence women going undiagnosed for years.

Also the husband in the op hasn’t got his diagnosis yet. Medication aside a diagnosis will be massively helpful. I don’t take the medication suggested but the report and process have both been hugely informative.I am now waiting for management therapy.

I've developed them myself because i have a sense of pride, i care about my husband and children. So yeah

Whilst self diagnosis is important, you don't know for sure it is ADHD.

SO first things first he needs an assessment and if he does have it, then he can have access to medication and therapy for this. I went private as the waiting lists are too long.

Secondly, being an arsehole is not necessarily part of being ADHD. Your personality is separate from that.

We do have things we cannot help but there is responsibility to use methods, tools, technology or treatments to help with those abilities we cannot help ourselves with.

Remind your husband that he has a responsibility to help manage his condition if has it.

I sought diagnosis last year after years of many many issues that I had no idea were my brain causing. I thought I was just stupid and lazy. When in fact, I am none of those things.

My biggest help is my phone calendar. Every task I need to remember, appointment, birthday or meeting Etc. Goes in there with multiple reminders. 1 week ahead, 1 day ahead, 1 hour ahead and ten mins ahead. Planners, notebooks and wall charts do not help at all.

Get your husband to see an adhd coach for life management planning after diagnosis. I intend to do the same. Also I got work on board to help me stay more focused. They've been amazing with work related reasonable adjustments. Good luck op.

Whilst I understand that people have different coping mechanisms, it's not fair to not try to help yourself at all. My partner doesn't deserve me not cleaning or making food because I get overwhelmed and stressed. It makes him stressed if he does it all. I've learned to tackle it in bits, rather in one big go.

We all have a responsibility for ourselves too. It makes our lives better to help manage ourselves and be less stressed. And I say this as someone who is choosing to be unmedicated. I am using other methods to stay accountable. Now I have knowledge of myself, I try very hard to keep going. I don't always manage but I try. I hold down a job, an 18 year relationship and I drive. I'm self sufficient. And I'm proud I can do that.

That all costs money and works with varying success. I’m in a support group for people that have both. The ability and success of coping mechanisms varies hugely as does the severity of the condition. 2 of my children present a lot worse in many ways but differently to another child and myself.

No way would phone reminders help me as phone usage really impacts my inattentive brain and I’m trying to cut down and put it completely away from me for much of the day.

One size just doesn’t suit all.