Partners with ADHD

[PheobeBebe]

How much do you let slide with a partner who has ADHD?

My husband is a wonderful man. He is kind, ambitious, a good provider and extremely generous. He isn't controlling in any way and very loving and supportive.

However......he drives me bonkers! He has self-diagnosed ADHD and has had therapy for his traumatic childhood (which to be fair was horrendous), but these are always given as excuses for his short-comings. I don't mind taking on the traditional wife role - I only work 26 hours pw whereas he works FT so I don't mind doing the cleaning, life admin, shopping etc. But for taking on the 'traditional wife' duties I expect him to take on the 'husband' duties. Bins upstairs are nearly overflowing before he empties them, I have artwork to go on the wall which has been stored behind the sofa for months, there are items on the landing that need to go in the loft and been there for 3 weeks, DD got a flatpack item for her birthday and he didn't put it together for 2 weeks and even then it's because I unpacked it so he didn't have much choice. If I ask him to do anything I'm 'nagging' and 'he was just about to do it'. Last weekend we were having a discussion about feminism and this came up (not in a heated way, just talking) and he asked me 'do you really think I do these things on purpose?'. While I do have sympathy that he may find it harder to focus and get organised, I still can't help but think surely he still see's the items sitting on the landing / the overflowing bin etc. Sometimes he eventually gets around to doing these jobs, but quite often I let it slide and do it for him. But then I get more and more resentful.

AIBU for feeling resentful that I have to pick up his slack when I am already doing the lions share of everything at home? Or can he really not help himself and I just need to suck it up?

Great but that’s you. Others will present differently and worse. It’s a journey and a personal one. It isn’t others can drive for you. The biggest thing we’ve been told in our group is to be kind to ourselves. Pressuring, berating and lecturing will just make it worse.

He's doing the grouting, did a bit of shouting that it was mould. Which I bleached and scrubbed at time and again. But he's doing it. Trouble is I need a shower 🙈😂

So people who don't have the same coping mechanism that you do, lack pride and don't care about their families.

I find it sad how deeply ingrained prejudice towards disabled people is in our society, that even people with the same diagnosis feel so very comfortable to be disablist and sneer at those who find life harder than they do, and say that their difficulties could be overcome if only they had more pride in themselves, or loved their families more.

That is disablism, right there, and you aren't doing anyone with ADHD any favours, including yourself, by suggesting that people can overcome adhd simply by being a "better" person. One day maybe you'll come up against something that your ADHD means you struggle with. I hope nobody is standing by to tell you that the reason you can't do it is because you have no pride in yourself and that you don't love your family enough.

I'm not sure you have ADHD as someone who actually has this would have better understanding.
A sense of 'pride' doesn't alleviate the problems of executive functioning.

My DH (undiagnosed potential ADHD) does all of the cooking in our house and I think this might be a high-dopamine task? He enjoys it, can be creative with it and knows it needs doing daily for us to survive so no need to nag!

Apart from doing the cooking, DH struggles with the “recognising task needs doing”. So when things are going well, we have a lot of daily/weekly routines which we both happily stick to. When life gets in the way and routines are out the window, he won’t think “it’s been ages since the oven/fridge/etc was cleaned, I should do it” and that’s when resentment builds up in me. Routines are our way of keeping on an even keel.

There seems a correlation though between women (mothers in particular) coming up with coping mechanisms because they realise other people depend on them and no one else will pick up the slack. See also, wives doing the research about their dh's condition, working out ways to help them be motivated etc, while the man gets on with doing whatever he wants, and seeks no help or diagnosis.

I suspect there's also an issue about how we divide our capacity. I have a job and do ok with the house and children (although honestly, I rarely do the jobs OP says her husband doesn't do). But I also only work 4 days a week in a low-stress job. If I was working in a job that required lots of executive function, with longer hours, then I would get virtually nothing done at home. I was able to walk out on a high-stress career and work for several years for minimum wage because I had DH's support. I suspect that fewer men have the option to do that.

@kimberlie for me, high dopamine tasks are things that produce fast, very pleasing results without too much thought, usually that I can multitask with.

So for example (and bear with!!)...

I wanted to make a load of i-cord, thats a knitted or crocheted cord from yarn. I wanted to make it fast and easily. In order to get to sit doing that, I made my own latch-hook tool (which involved hand carving wood, ordering hooks, working out how to make the handle and set the hooks in it), sanding (yuck, ugh, dust and vibrations), gluing (sticky. ugh.)... ) as it turned out crocheting or knitting wasn't fast enough.

Then I had to teach myself to use the tool I had made.

Took a week. Took me two nights to produce a whole yarn balls worth of icord, nearly 10 metres of cord, whilst I also watched tv. I HATE sitting watching tv without my hands busy and if I do, I end up doom scrolling and missing the program! So doing something like this, I actually get to also enjoy watching tv.

Super low dopamine task - tax return.

Put it off for 11.9 months. All the data required for that is on my computer, the job in fact took me two hours when I eventually did it. Zero real effort at all.

So thats the difference, for high dopamine, we'll often go to rather extreme lengths like i have here, to be able to just perform the task.

Mine does cooking but oh the herbs and spices. Last night's meal even he put into the bin. I had bread and jam later.

I understand that's me, that's why I used myself as an example.

I know not everyone is the same and everyone has different issues and abilities.

That doesn't stop us needing to take responsibility for ourselves. Not necessarily for others but more so for ourselves.

When I used to be late all the time in my 20s, wayyyy before I got diagnosed and even knew women could have ADHD, the amount of stress I caused myself was immeasurable.

Not only was I letting people down, work sometimes down and family, I was causing myself the greatest distress. I couldn't keep living like that. It was causing huge RSD and self hatred.

I am unable to retain things and I used to double book all the time, miss appointments, forget tasks and all sorts. So I used what tools were available to me to stop this. Mainly for myself. I'm not perfect and not claiming to be. I still have many issues I am dealing with one at a time, whilst being unmedicated.

But we cannot pretend that we can't have some autonomy in how we manage ourselves. No there isn't a one size fits all but that's on us to find what does work for us individually. To help us better and enrich our lives. I don't want to make my life hard or my partner's. It's already so damn difficult. So I try my best to alleviate it when and where I can. I hope you understand where I am coming from.

I still mess up believe me! But I keep on.