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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ILs not to move here (when my parent is)

81 replies

Potatomashed · 15/02/2024 20:22

We have a good relationship with my in laws who are v family orientated. Previously lived in a city close to them and our relationship went a bit sour, mainly due to a feeling of being a bit too close over lockdown and feeling obliged to see them. They were very emotionally enmeshed with our DC.

We moved away two years ago to a different county. They were heartbroken and took it very personally. Since then though, they have been amazing coming to visit regularly and us to them and we all get on well.

We have had a great time as a smaller family and although recognise raising our 3 DC would be easier with family support, we enjoy seeing our many friends and have a great social network.

My parents lived a couple of hours from where we live now and from our previous town. One of my parents died a few years ago and my remaining parent is selling up and moving to live in our small town. DH and I support this as they are v focused on building their own life, adventures and socially. Obviously they will also be around to support us too and us them when they need it (in great health currently). I have had to get my head around having family so close and discussed that we will have boundaries to ensure we aren’t too enmeshed (luckily we can be very open with one another).

ILs mentioned they wanted to move to our county which is cool, it would be lovely to see them more, and not have to host them. They are now going to look at a house in our v small town. My initial response is really negative to this, I feel like it will be suffocating and I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc). DH hasn’t got much of an opinion, says we can’t control what others do.

AIBU to tell them (should they like the house) that I’m concerned about them living quite so close although would love them to see them more? And how should I phrase it?

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 15/02/2024 20:25

”actually Pretty gutted we didn’t look at town/city next door, ah well next time we move”

I mean it could work.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2024 20:26

Surely it’s for your Dh to remind them that your relationship went sour when you lived so close last time? You shouldn’t be speaking to them about it.

Didimum · 15/02/2024 20:27

While I don’t blame you for disliking the idea, you have no place in controlling what they do or their choice of where to live. They don’t exist only in relation to you, they are people who should and do have free will over their choices. Suck it up, I’m afraid.

Original poster
Potatomashed · 15/02/2024 20:28

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2024 20:26

Surely it’s for your Dh to remind them that your relationship went sour when you lived so close last time? You shouldn’t be speaking to them about it.

I agree that would be ideal but he has some issues in having conversation- ‘anything for an easy life’. Also he doesn’t think we should say anything as we don’t own the location- they are free to move… etc. So I will be the one having an honest convo if it comes to it…

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 15/02/2024 20:31

What do you mean by the were very emotionally enmeshed with the grandchildren?
Isn’t this a good thing they have grandparents who love/adore them?

PringPring · 15/02/2024 20:33

I think if possible have a conversation about how busy your lives are and how even if they loved in the same town they may see you about as often as they do currently. ?

Ask them what appeals about the town, do they have friends there, have they looked if there are hobbies there for them etc.

At the end of the day you can't stop them moving. But you can keep your own boundaries regarding how often you spend time with them, visit them, have them in your house etc.

justrecognisedmyneighbouronhere · 15/02/2024 20:35

If they move it's the perfect time to have all parents round and clearly set your boundaries and rules and ask them to respect your wishes. Wait until then.

Original poster
Potatomashed · 15/02/2024 20:36

Fairyliz · 15/02/2024 20:31

What do you mean by the were very emotionally enmeshed with the grandchildren?
Isn’t this a good thing they have grandparents who love/adore them?

It is definitely important for kids and GPs to have a loving relationship.

By enmeshed I mean that MIL became quite emotionally dependent on seeing them. She wanted to be a GP her whole life and loved them so much but it felt too much for DH and I at the time. Since we moved they have continued a strong bond but it no longer feels OTT.

OP posts:
Mindfulofmuddle · 15/02/2024 20:37

They are free to move where they like however given the circumstances it is highly doubtful they would be moving into your back yard if you weren't there. I completely understand your misgivings, and I have felt exactly the same in your position (without the good relationship). I made my feelings clear via my OH and took the all the blame for the ensuing animosity. It was for the best and I don't regret setting out my stall. They have no other connections to the area and it would have been suffocating. I say this with decades of experience of Pils. Some relationships are most cordial at arms length, no matter how much people might like to imagine otherwise.

Original poster
Potatomashed · 15/02/2024 20:37

justrecognisedmyneighbouronhere · 15/02/2024 20:35

If they move it's the perfect time to have all parents round and clearly set your boundaries and rules and ask them to respect your wishes. Wait until then.

🫣Is your username re this thread? Excellent name if not, gets everyone worried 😦

OP posts:
MissBurnOut · 15/02/2024 20:41

It sounds very intense OP! Are yours the only grandchildren?

Original poster
Potatomashed · 15/02/2024 20:41

Mindfulofmuddle · 15/02/2024 20:37

They are free to move where they like however given the circumstances it is highly doubtful they would be moving into your back yard if you weren't there. I completely understand your misgivings, and I have felt exactly the same in your position (without the good relationship). I made my feelings clear via my OH and took the all the blame for the ensuing animosity. It was for the best and I don't regret setting out my stall. They have no other connections to the area and it would have been suffocating. I say this with decades of experience of Pils. Some relationships are most cordial at arms length, no matter how much people might like to imagine otherwise.

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experience. Yes they have no connections in the area whilst they may have moved to this general area, I’m not sure they would ever have considered this location without us. It is a small village so having 2 sets of parents here would be intense and whilst would be selfishly excellent for childcare, would be quite suffocating!

OP posts:
bookmarket · 15/02/2024 20:44

I know the grass isn't greener but we moved away from both sets of parents and I wish that they had moved closer to us. Don't underestimate how useful it is to have a village around to help raise your children. Also, once your kids are older teens, they're not so keen on the trips to visit grandparents and it becomes harder work having the grandparents stay at your house when you're trying to keep both generations happy. I've worked very hard to make sure my children have a relationship with their grandparents and wider family and now they're young adults they maintain their own contact with them, but I often craved the ease of having them pop over for a Sunday dinner and leave again without me having to prep the house for guests.

RestingPassportFace · 15/02/2024 20:46

How long after finding out your Mum was moving there, did they decide this?!
Is your FIL keen or just going along with it to keep MIL happy/path of least resistance (apple doesn't fall far from the tree). It has grandma rivalry written all over it.

bookmarket · 15/02/2024 20:47

However, I can understand you not wanting pils in the exact same small location as you, particularly if they're not likely to make their own friends and separate life. Can you suggest a near enough location to them that might be more suitable for the making new friends. Then they'll get the hint that you expect them to make their own life.

BeaLola · 15/02/2024 20:49

My first thought was Grandparent rivalry and then that if you work , kids have clubs, friends etc they won't see them that much . My DS is now 16 and only grandchild abd whiist he loves Grandparent and happy to see him if he is around he is out and about with his friends and activities .

I do think that there are a lot of people of MN who would like Grandparents like your children's eg interested in a relationship with them

Fargo79 · 15/02/2024 20:49

If you're going to speak to them, I'd just go from the angle of, we know you're keen to be geographically closer to the GC, but need to make it clear that we have very busy lives and like our own space too. So we're not going to be popping in and out of each other's houses on a daily basis.

It's their choice to move or not, DH is right. But it would probably save some drama down the line if you can be clear about expectations and boundaries now. Rather than them making a very expensive and very life-changing mistake because they've got it in their heads that they'll be a daily feature in your lives, whereas you're only happy to meet up twice a fortnight.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 15/02/2024 20:51

Do hasn't got much of an opinion.......cop out.
Make him tell you what his bloody opinion is. At least then you have something to work with. He sounds a drip. Anything for a quiet life is an absolute cop out ..does he want his abreast living in same street or not and was he happy previously or not? Is he usually so unable go express an opinion or is it just in relation to his parents? Feel for you.
He is right people can move wherever.. but at the very elat you'd think a convo would help clarify the lay of the land before they move.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 20:52

If the owners don't know you, or your connection to the inlaws, Could you go to the house and (anonymously) tell the owner/seller that you heard these two who are after their house are wronguns trying to set up a cannabis factory/ meth lab/ XL bully breeding centre? lol.

newtlover · 15/02/2024 20:54

yes, I think you have to be straightforward
it's unfortunate that your own DPs have moved there because their natural reaction would be- 'so it's OK for them to move near you but not us???'
I think you'd need to cite some objective reason why your DPs chose to move there and you feel confident they will respect your boundaries, but your ILs may not.
You could say- of course we hardly see my DPs because they're always so busy with their (insert hobby or social activity here)

Snugglemonkey · 15/02/2024 20:54

If you say something, you will cause deep hurt and perhaps a lot of animosity. It may well destroy the relationship between and you. It is no more stifling to have your parent close than to have inlaws.

NewName24 · 15/02/2024 20:57

What @Fargo79 said.

You need to have that conversation with them, and explain that - especially as the dc get older over the next 10 years or so - they will live their own lives and not just 'be in' when Grandparents want to come round. That you have built your own lives here, and that, although it will be nice to be able to visit more easily, that is only one thing to take into consideration. Have they thought about how they are going to build their own community ? Plus, I don't know if it applies, but is where you live now as convenient when the time comes for more hospital appointments, and when they have to give up driving etc.? I would also say, what about if life takes us elsewhere in 5 years ? You will have left the community and friends you know in (current home) but still be far away from us.

Ultimately, they can do what they want, but if you have been clear before any move happens that you do not see yourselves living as if you were one big unit, at least you have stated that upfront before they uproot themselves.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 15/02/2024 21:02

How would you feel if your dh now says to you 'I understand what you mean, I don't want your parent moving close either'?

Lollypop701 · 15/02/2024 21:03

You and dh will end up raising the kids and dealing with 2 set’s of aging parents… are there any other siblings nearby?

StripeyDeckchair · 15/02/2024 21:09

Tell a white lie
"PIL before you move I think we should be open with you.
It is likely that we will be moving again in the next 5 years related to work. In order to progress this is on the cards & will be good for us. It could be anywhere in the UK, we quite fancy [location at least 150 miles away]"

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