To tell ILs not to move here (when my parent is)

[Potatomashed]

We have a good relationship with my in laws who are v family orientated. Previously lived in a city close to them and our relationship went a bit sour, mainly due to a feeling of being a bit too close over lockdown and feeling obliged to see them. They were very emotionally enmeshed with our DC.

We moved away two years ago to a different county. They were heartbroken and took it very personally. Since then though, they have been amazing coming to visit regularly and us to them and we all get on well.

We have had a great time as a smaller family and although recognise raising our 3 DC would be easier with family support, we enjoy seeing our many friends and have a great social network.

My parents lived a couple of hours from where we live now and from our previous town. One of my parents died a few years ago and my remaining parent is selling up and moving to live in our small town. DH and I support this as they are v focused on building their own life, adventures and socially. Obviously they will also be around to support us too and us them when they need it (in great health currently). I have had to get my head around having family so close and discussed that we will have boundaries to ensure we aren’t too enmeshed (luckily we can be very open with one another).

ILs mentioned they wanted to move to our county which is cool, it would be lovely to see them more, and not have to host them. They are now going to look at a house in our v small town. My initial response is really negative to this, I feel like it will be suffocating and I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc). DH hasn’t got much of an opinion, says we can’t control what others do.

AIBU to tell them (should they like the house) that I’m concerned about them living quite so close although would love them to see them more? And how should I phrase it?

I wouldn't have been keen with either my parents or in-laws living very close, but it would never have entered my head to "tell" then they couldn't move closer as that is not my place.

Boundaries, as mature independent adults, are your and your dh's to agree both together and separately, whether they stay 5 mins or 5 hours away.

How will "telling" them "not" to move as you don't want them anywhere near you be any easier than just setting your own families boundaries?

OP, I feel for you, I would find this very suffocating too! But I voted YABU, because ultimately I agree with your DP that you don’t own the location and can’t tell grown adults where they can or can’t live. Especially given your parent has just moved there. But I do understand the disappointment from your POV.

I like PP’s suggestion that “you won’t be popping in to each other’s houses daily because of how busy you are with X,Y, Z” - it sets a boundary without being impolite. I think if they did move, you could then be very clear from the start by saying things early like “we’ve got a very busy fortnight ahead but would love to have you round for lunch on X date” and then politely decline any suggestions to meet up until then…hopefully that way they’ll get the message early. Also try and focus on the positives - you might get some more quality time out of the house with DP with all these extra babysitters around!

For those saying 'you can't tell them where to live' - I absolutely agree and suspect the OP knows that, but I do also think it right to ensure everyone's expectations are the same, before anyone uproots and moves across the country.
If Grandparents have expectations of all having Sunday dinner together every week and OP has expectations of going out and enjoying a hobby every Sunday it is better that is all talked through now, rather than after a move when Grandparents then find they have moved to a place to be with people who actually aren't there any weekend. <-- Just one made up example.
I would hope this was also a conversation that was had with the OP's own mother before she moved. Although, presumably the OP does actually know both her Mum and her in-laws and she has already stated that he Mum is someone who will go off and join things and become a member of the community, whereas I am inferring that the in-laws are less likely to join things and form their own community to fill up their lives. People are different, and presumably OP is aware of what these particular people are like.

I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc)

Absolutely missed this. OP, this isn't a DH problem or an IL problem, it's a you problem.

You've taken on the wifework and so you are giving your MIL very mixed messages.

Your feelings about MIL: OK at a distance, tends to be overbearing, nice but wouldn't naturally be mates with her

MIL's message from you: a lovely DIL, so caring, loves contacting us and spending time with us, we are great friends

Slowly start getting your DH to do all the contact. If MIL rings/texts about a meetup, pass it on to your DH.

@Potatomashed maybe remind them they have no connections in your area apart from you and that it is a small village so they may feel isolated as you, your DH and DC have a very busy schedule and will not be able to see them much more than you do already?

especially as your DC grow older and have longer hours at school/clubs and more social engagements...

the PIL could end up quite isolated.

speak to them as expressing concern for their wellbeing rather than anything else.

You don't have to see them every time they ask.