To tell ILs not to move here (when my parent is)

[Potatomashed]

We have a good relationship with my in laws who are v family orientated. Previously lived in a city close to them and our relationship went a bit sour, mainly due to a feeling of being a bit too close over lockdown and feeling obliged to see them. They were very emotionally enmeshed with our DC.

We moved away two years ago to a different county. They were heartbroken and took it very personally. Since then though, they have been amazing coming to visit regularly and us to them and we all get on well.

We have had a great time as a smaller family and although recognise raising our 3 DC would be easier with family support, we enjoy seeing our many friends and have a great social network.

My parents lived a couple of hours from where we live now and from our previous town. One of my parents died a few years ago and my remaining parent is selling up and moving to live in our small town. DH and I support this as they are v focused on building their own life, adventures and socially. Obviously they will also be around to support us too and us them when they need it (in great health currently). I have had to get my head around having family so close and discussed that we will have boundaries to ensure we aren’t too enmeshed (luckily we can be very open with one another).

ILs mentioned they wanted to move to our county which is cool, it would be lovely to see them more, and not have to host them. They are now going to look at a house in our v small town. My initial response is really negative to this, I feel like it will be suffocating and I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc). DH hasn’t got much of an opinion, says we can’t control what others do.

AIBU to tell them (should they like the house) that I’m concerned about them living quite so close although would love them to see them more? And how should I phrase it?

If you say something you are likely to ruin any relationship you have with your in laws. They will resent you and you will not be able to fix it.

You can't have one rule for your parent and one rule for your in laws.

I would say it is likely that you may move within a few years so are they happy to move there if you aren’t going to be there? Sometimes the unexpected does come along.

Honestly speak up before it’s too late. My in laws moved next door to us and it was suffocating. We moved away and the relationship was never the same.

Hmm. I saw my grandma all the time when I was younger (atleast every weekend) and I look back fondly at those memories now she’s no longer here, my husband had very disinterested grandparents and really wishes they had bothered.

We live an hour away from my in laws and 5 hours away from my parents, I’d give anything to have them on the doorstep so my DD could have a close relationship with them.

If your DH won’t say anything then you probably ought to, because this could be quite disastrous.

But why does it go so wrong when you’re close? What would happen if, instead of trying to control where they live, you stopped pandering to the sense of obligation to them that you feel but your DH doesn’t?

If both your parent(s) and his moved to the same town (in a new country at that) could they form part of each other's social circle and support system, to take some of the pressure of your kids?

And also I grew up with my grandma closely involved in our life and it was great!

I agree it's unlikely DH actually hasn't got much of an opinion. But the alternative possibility is that it's OP her DH is struggling to be honest with, and he's actually thrilled his parents will be nearby again.
@Potatomashed I think you need to draw your DH's feelings and opinion out more before you talk to his parents. Things could get messy if he later confides in them that he doesn't share your feelings.

You are right about the boundaries OP.

It sounds like the move is what your ILs really want, and although you sound like you get on, you will definitely need to create some boundaries.

However, if you object to them moving so close, it could create tension. You need your partner to be supportive 100% with the boundaries and it could work in both your favour and for your ILs you just need to meet Rach other in the middle.

Are they the type that may just pop round uninvited? I think it’s fine but I’d just be extra strict with boundaries like seeing them only once a month etc. cuz ultimately you can’t make them not move.

I'd flag to them you're going to move soon. You are also free to move to where you want to live.

If your pil have no connection to the area other than you then it's going to get very suffocating because you are going to be their sole source of socialising.

And when you are busy or have other plans, will you be made to feel guilty?

You can’t tell them not to move whilst welcoming your own parent moving. Either tell both sides that you don’t want them in your village and suggest to both sides alternatives in the county but different villages, or accept that both sides are we
come to move closer to you and that by encouraging your own parent you’ve inadvertently encouraged the in-laws.

The language you use about your ILs is quite strange.
enmeshed, intense, suffocating, emotionally dependent.
Maybe your DH quite likes the idea that his parents will be close by hence his wish not to tell them they’re not welcome, which is, in effect, what you’re saying.
To be honest, if you feel so strongly, then you need to tell them now before they commit to buying so close to someone who doesn’t want them nearby. That way will save a whole lot of heartache down the line.

DH’s parents tried this. During lockdown one of our house purchases collapsed and they suggested we all moved into a standard three bed house, and “divide” it. We obviously declined, which his mum couldn’t understand.

They started looking at houses on our street soon afterwards. They’re only 50 minutes away anyway. DH told them he felt it was too close and stifling, our town isn’t that big and we’d bump into them all the time; and they have history for waiting for us in places they think we might go, like random pubs, and then getting annoyed if we’re not there. His Dad seemed to listen, as he didn’t want to move anyway, but his Mum said they could move where they like.

They still haven’t, thankfully, although every now and again they’ll mention that they are still moving. They’re getting older and prices here are crazy so I’m hoping they’re priced out, if I’m honest.

That said, I don’t think you can stop them if they’re set on what they want to do, and your DH is obviously a bit limited in what he can say given you’re welcoming your parent. You can’t really tell the in-laws you want independence while also moving them closer, even if you think your parent will behave differently to them.

For me, I’d likely find it so stressful having them so close that I’d move again, genuinely. I like where we live but his mum is intense and has no other interests beyond her adult son.

You've said small town and small village. Small town I could cope with, small village I wouldn't wish to be surrounded by any parents. But I think it's difficult if your mum is moving close by to ask them not to without causing upset. Can you suggest other nearby locations that are more practical/pretty/value for money. I'd hope they had common sense about this but if not you'll need to be strong on boundaries.

@Potatomashed is your parent moving to your little town too? If so how is that ok that your parent can but your dhs parents aren’t as welcome? Speaking as someone with absolutely zero support from any family, it’s hard to read some of these threads sometimes but appreciate I don’t know how it is for you. I think it’s totally unfair though if your parent is welcome to move to your town but inlaws aren’t .

As others have said .you need to set your stall out and put boundaries in place..even now is not too soon.
Why exactly do they want to move to your area..Have they got hobbies they can pursue. Are they leaving friends behind..?
They won't be seeing you at every touch and turn as you and the dcs have busy lives
And above all...don't let them have the spare key .

So actually he disagrees with you but seems too scared to tell you!

This is really tricky as you are having your parent move nearby so you will definitely be treating one set of parents differently to the other.
If they move nearby you need to set firm boundaries from the start (with both sets of GP) that you're available to see them on Tuesday or Sunday or whatever, as the DC have clubs on the other days or you're having time as a family.

I always said to mine not to ever move for the sole reason of being near us as we may move for work again so they needed to be happy if they were left in the area themselves. No-one knows what's round the corner job wise and lot of places having redundancies recently.

I would definitely be mentioning you may move again and so they'll need to be happy with the area if you are no longer there

The husband does have an opinion and he has told OP what it is. He says that you cant control what others do, that is his opinion and he's right

I find these threads baffling, as if you have the right to tell someone where to live!

OP you have your family nearby too, so why is that different

Ultimately if the grandparents are getting to involved or trying to take up too much of your time, you deal with it then, you dont have conversations with people about where you dictate they do and dont live.

Have you also thought that as they age they want to be near family, thats important.

You can't stop them moving wherever they want but as you have a parent moving to the area as well, I'd have them all round together and set out your boundaries.
How would you feel if your DH told your parent they didn't want them close by? It would be awful.
For what it's worth, when I was growing up, one set of grandparents lived in the same road as me and the other in a different part of our fairly small town. It was fine!
Oh and enmeshed in their grandchildren's lives?! Of course they are! Your children are lucky to have loving grandparents, you just need to be clear on boundaries. My children only have one grandparent left and he doesn't bother with them AT ALL!

It sounds as if your parent is going to make efforts to fit in with the local community but you're worried your in-laws won't and will be dependent on you and the children? Yes, that would bother me. I'd say to them - sounds good but our plan is that we may move away in the next 5 years so you need to factor that into your decision. After that, if they still do it, share the childen but decide on your boundaries. Normally I'd say your DH needs to speak to them but this needs to come from the one who's worried!

You can't have one rule for your parent and one rule for your in laws

That.

I get why it feels different for you, but any conversation that involves asking them not to live there will simply be disastrous and unfair.

You can try to warn them that you and your children aren't going to be available constantly, but that's all. Maybe you can promote some neighbouring villages? Find some houses there for then?

This, for everyone advising OP to have a 'conversation' because her OH wont,,,,, how would it be if the husband took it upon himself to speak to her parents because she doesnt agree that she should tell them not to move closer?

It would be all 'he's abusive/coercive control/trying to separate you from your family' I can hear it now.

This, it sounds like your husband wants them there, your children want them there, etc. Only you don't. I think you just make the best of it