To tell ILs not to move here (when my parent is)

[Potatomashed]

We have a good relationship with my in laws who are v family orientated. Previously lived in a city close to them and our relationship went a bit sour, mainly due to a feeling of being a bit too close over lockdown and feeling obliged to see them. They were very emotionally enmeshed with our DC.

We moved away two years ago to a different county. They were heartbroken and took it very personally. Since then though, they have been amazing coming to visit regularly and us to them and we all get on well.

We have had a great time as a smaller family and although recognise raising our 3 DC would be easier with family support, we enjoy seeing our many friends and have a great social network.

My parents lived a couple of hours from where we live now and from our previous town. One of my parents died a few years ago and my remaining parent is selling up and moving to live in our small town. DH and I support this as they are v focused on building their own life, adventures and socially. Obviously they will also be around to support us too and us them when they need it (in great health currently). I have had to get my head around having family so close and discussed that we will have boundaries to ensure we aren’t too enmeshed (luckily we can be very open with one another).

ILs mentioned they wanted to move to our county which is cool, it would be lovely to see them more, and not have to host them. They are now going to look at a house in our v small town. My initial response is really negative to this, I feel like it will be suffocating and I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc). DH hasn’t got much of an opinion, says we can’t control what others do.

AIBU to tell them (should they like the house) that I’m concerned about them living quite so close although would love them to see them more? And how should I phrase it?

I think you need to treat them the same as your mother, so that means having a conversation about boundaries and expectations with them like you have with her, no matter how hard. Maybe along the lines of.

'it will be lovely to have you closer, but we just wanted to make sure we are on the same page before you make the final decision to move, to be fair on you so you aren't coming with false expectations. We've had the same conversation with my mum and agreed ... (No dropping round without arranging first, won't be likely to see you more then once a week etc). Also wondering what your plans will be for settling in and meeting people on the area? Are there any groups or hobbies you are thinking of getting involved in?' etc. My mum's plans are .. so we think she'll settle in well. We wouldn't want you to be isolated if we are busy or need to move in the future.

Make it clear this isn't personal / treating them more negatively than yous sude of the family, but you do need boundaries in place.

It's interesting your relationship went sour through COVID ..do you think that the stress of COVID and worry it brought made the problem and that now people are back to normal things maybe better anyway?

you say that you see them regularly at the moment. I think a big thing for me means what do you mean by that? If I were regularly trekking across a few counties for any reason I’d probably over time look at moving closer to where I needed to be!

I think it would be a hard position to argue that one set of grandparents isn’t welcome to move to a town when your own parent is in the process of doing that without objection.

You can't tell them where to live.

You can set boundaries about length, frequency and nature of visits. And if they're close it's easier to say no, not that day, we have something on.

And on the plus side: you won't have to host them for a weekend, you can kick them out when you've had enough.

If you feel as if you must speak to them, I think this is a good conversation to make your boundaries clear. To both in-laws and your parent.

"We've made it clear to mum that she needs to make her own life here and not depend on us. If we're going to have all of you in the village I think that's even more important to stress to you before you make the decision.
Being here won't mean that you'll see much more of us than you already do. It's important to us to have some privacy and life independent of our parents. If you're comfortable with that, of course you're welcome. But I'd hate for our relationships with you or with my mum to deteriorate because we're on each others doorsteps"

I live beside my mil and she looks after my kids 2 days a week and my parents live a few miles away and have them another 2 days a week. My kids have a great relationship with all of their grandparents and it's so lovely.
I didn't really see either of mine much growing up, one set died when I was a young child and they lived quite far away, the other grandparent lived very close but we didn't see her much so we weren't close when we were small so I never visited when I was an adult and I regretted that when she died

Could you approach it from the angle that you want to be sure they're making the right decision for them. The kids are a bit older now and busy with homework, clubs, seeing friends so you don't want them to move on the expectation of seeing them really often. Or it's quite an isolated village, how will this work when they get older, have they considered moving somewhere with a bit more going on, better transport routes etc

So it's OK for his in laws but not for her in laws! Typical MN double standards!

I don’t think you can stop them, and I can see why your dh isn’t happy to have that conversation.

I can see why this could be hard - my first partner’s parents moved to live close to us and they popped round ALL the time - I’d come home to discover they were in our house (they managed to put pressure on my dp to give them their own key!!). I tried to assert boundaries but failed and he is now ex-dp. We didn’t have kids thank goodness.

My dh’s family and my family are totally different- they don’t make me feel guilty for saying no so as a result we seen them loads. My dm did move to my neighbourhood in her old age after my df died, and the unexpected bonus was that from age 8 my dd was able to scooter or cycle to her granny’s house whenever she liked - which was a lot as granny had a cupboard full of games and snacks and spoiled her rotten!

In your situation therefore I’d recommend it’s all about the boundaries - kindly but firmly saying “no”, making it clear that they can’t just pop over on a whim, that you need your family unit time and you will have possibly many consecutive days and weekends when you will be busy with friends and not available.

If your dm and your DPiL get along you may find they become firm friends!!!

I think being clear with them that you are worried it will be like lockdown when you ended up falling out.

Plus it isn't lockdown anymore so you and the kids are a lot busier, plus the kids are older and often the priority is seeing their friends or doing hobbies.

So if they want to move that's great but you don't want them being disappointed as they may not actually see that much more of the grandchildren.

We moved near one set of parents and I think they have been surprised at how unavailable we are. Previously during visits, they were hosted and we made time to do things with them as they were "visitors". Now we are living in the area, they have to fit in around normal life. Kids have clubs a couple of weeknights, swimming lessons and birthday parties on the weekends. We have plans to meet up with other families or are away with work, need to do chores like taking things to the tip, getting haircuts etc in our spare time. We are BUSY and they've come to realise that. They still to some extent need to plan in time to see us. It isn't quite the rosy picture of dropping round all the time they had envisaged.

The thing is @Potatomashed, your kids are older than they were when your in-laws were as enmeshed in their lives. This means that they will have activities that will make them less available to the grandparents and you too.
Make sure that you have plenty of things planned after school for the kids to do and start getting friends involved so that you have a social scene too.

When you're less available to them, they will probably stop hassling you for visits. Perhaps find out some social things that they can get involved with in the local parish hall or similar so that they are kept busy and out of your hair.

What if you were to move again? They would be in an area with no friends. Moving to an area solely to be near family is a big risk.

My DB once said that its best for ILs to live close enough to visit 'regularly', but not all the time; and not too far away that when they visit they have to stay with you.
The poster whose ILs lived next door, would be far too intense for me with either ILs or DPs, The next town is OK, or around 10 miles away (UK), so you can see them often, but not too intense.
I do have a relative that moved a considerable distance to be near her married daughter and DGC, but after a year, the daughter's family moved away for her job.

I honestly can’t see a problem. You’ll have both sets of (by the sounds of it) very loving grandparents nearby to help when needed. I wouldn’t be turning down the opportunity to have hands on grandparents around, even if it meant biting my tongue a few times.

Tell them you're considering moving to <insert random town name > in the next year or so.

God. Don't tell them anything. They can live where they like. You can make yourself not available if they want to see you!

I thin the problem is that they move near the OP thinking it will be like their lockdown experience and are then massively disappointed that the GCs are busy, plus have uprooted themselves away from their existing network to move to a small village.

They need to know upfront that there is no issue with them moving but they are not going to get the same experience as they did in lockdown so are they 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

Is it that the OP's parents lived in say Exeter Devon then moved to Totnes Devon - both in the same county, whereas the IL's will be moving from Norwich in Norfolk to Totnes in Devon thus the lLs don't know anyone else in the county except for their son and his family

and will be totally dependent on their son for everything ! and they don't know anything about the county or the area !

I think you should leave it to your husband. I think it would be hypocritical and unkind to tell them they aren't welcome.

I also think it's controlling and unkind to think you have to give them rules and conditions if they do move to the same place. Have you given your parent a list of rules? A a single bereaved person you might expect them to be more in need of support than your in-laws who will have each other.
Saying nothing and letting them move to your town doesn't mean you have to do whatever they say though.

In the past the fact that you have been the one facilitating contact etc is on you? Why did you do that if you didn't want to?
I've been with my husband for 40 years and have got on well with my MIL but I've never thought to facilitate contact. I'm not sure I even have her number tbh. We both like each other but she isn't my mum! I do my Mum and my husband does his Mum.

Having grandparents in the area can be a fantastic thing for kids.

Sounds like a nightmare to me with their back story. You can’t ban them from moving there but you will need boundaries right from the off. So they don’t come round every day, pop in without discussing it, expect you to go to their house every Sunday -or whatever they will want and doesn’t work for you. Also if they expect you to nurse them through their old age. If you husband doesn’t want to have the difficult conversation then you need to do it. But he needs to be a big boy unless he wants a re-run of last time

It doesnt sound like the OP’s parents need rules, as they aren’t over bearing. It’s not controlling it’s just the OP and her family having their own life. It’s also kinder to manage their expectations before the move is actioned

You can't tell his parents where to live, especially when your parent is moving closer to you.

I’m the one who previously felt the sense of obligation towards them (and still do in terms of ensuring we FaceTime with the DC regularly etc)

This is your problem to deal with (and one I see countless women take upon themselves and it's unfathomable to me). Has your DH take responsibility for ensuring a relationship between your kids and your parent? I doubt it.

Leave it to DH, tell him it is his responsibility; if MIL calls you, ignore the phone. She will eventually call your husband. If they don't speak for two months, that's between them, nothing to do with you.

Completely agree. If your DH doesn't feel the same sense of obligation you should take a leaf out of his book.

I let DH worry about his parents and I take care of my DF. If his parents thought badly of me for not being around for them when he isn't I couldn't care less.