To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

Do you know something? You are a really rude person! I hope you don't work in an NHS public facing role, but have a feeling (without reading whole thread) you might just do. Reading some of this thread, I've lost sympathy with you because of your over-the-top aggression when suggestions have been made.

You claim to be struggling, but have never looked into claiming DLA for the kids - yet you are both educated professionals well able to read up on the criteria.

I'm thinking there's another side to this story.

@PrinceYakimov AHPs have the same pay scale as nurses, and plenty of scope for progression

@StillAtDusk

Look, shit stuff happened and you didn’t get inheritance. You should have contested the wills. But it’s done, and it’s time to move on. Inheritance is never guaranteed, you didn’t ft shy but it actually doesn’t matter because you do need to make a life for yourself.

I’m a single parent with 2 kids. I get a small top up in benefits to help but I’m pretty sure that my household has less money than your household. And I can pay my bills and run my car and put money into savings each month and pay into a pension.

Simply put, if two professionals are struggling as much as you are then it’s down to mismanagement of your finances. The inheritance isn’t coming back, so you have to let it go. And you need to start letting people help. So, ask for budgeting help. Post your finances, start listening, stop being so angry and rude to people.

If you’re not interested in any help and won’t make any changes and just want to be angry then go ahead, it’s your life.

What benefit are you getting from carrying around this rage and anger? This bitterness will destroy you, and if you are not careful it will destroy you family too. You are also being very 'yes ,but ...' when anyone makes a suggestion as to how you might be able to help yourselves. - people are giving their time to offer possible solutions - you don't have to be so snappy.

The inheritance money is gone. There is nothing you can do about that, let it go. Punch a pillow, scream out loud, but let it go. Then look at what you CAN do to help yourselves....

If you kids are in mainstream school I'm sure you could up your hours - a weekend job when your partner is there to look after them ? Seek advice from CAB or another charity as to whether there is any financial support you may be entitled to - working tax credit ? Being proactive will help in so many ways ....

Also OP - have you told your dad any of this? I'd write him an email laying it out and telling him what you've told us. At this stage, you really have nothing to lose and it might guilt him into giving you some money.

It brought tears to my eyes-one of the most helpful posts I’ve ever read.

Neither the fact that you are working, nor the fact that your children are in mainstream schooling, will exclude them from claiming DLA. The fact that they need more care than other children and the fact that they're struggling with the school environment, suggest that they MAY qualify for it.

Obviously, not knowing your children, I'm not in a position to say with any confidence whether they would qualify but it certainly sounds worth looking into. I'd suggest you contact a local disability rights organisation or the CAB to look into it.

Benefits and Work produce excellent guides on DLA (amongst other benefits). You have to join to access their guides (for around £20pa, although they sometimes have offers) but, in my experience (I claim PIP) they're well worth it.

Essentially you've been let down by a lot of people, mostly by your father who has behaved badly throughout your life and while I sympathise with your financial situation ( having experienced similar) it's your father's betrayal of you, your mum and your grandmother that jumps out at me. It's OK to acknowledge that your Dad is not a good person and your kids are better off if they're not exposed to his behaviour, well done for protecting them from him, you are doing the right thing.

Op I have seen A LOT of angry people on mn, but i think you may be up there as the most bitter and angry. We were poor poor poor for years and I remember how every second is like a lifetime and how everything makes you feel awful and drags you down. (Finally got out of it after people told me how much I’d changed and I started making myself say hi to people on a walk or in a shop, started watching comedy, reading funny books, listening to music) We used to rent a damp, freezing leaky old house with carpet everywhere (including the toilet). Every other day something would break or fall down and I’d ring the landlord and he’d shout at me and tell me the kids must have done something and he’d take days to get it fixed. He did a patch job on everything and plumbers and electricians would apologise. If we paid for something he’d ring and say if it broke again it was our fault (laughing thinking about what a shot he was now!!)

Do you have any friends who can help fix and clean? My mil and sil used to be amazing for coming over and helping me. One of my friends turned up one day saw how down I was and started cleaning. People can be amazing.

Can you fix one thing with each pay check? Ring eg utilities and ask they for some breathing space, even get a small loan? Would your mortgage provider help?

I know you’re annoyed that people are asking you questions but a lot of people do get by on two low paying jobs. They are just trying to help! Treat yourself tonight, it doesn’t need to cost anything, free book from library or google free books on kindle, bake something or make something you like. Have a shower where you leave in conditioner for a while, ring a friend or go for a walk or watch a funny movie. Forget about the inheritance, it was never truly there for you. I’m sorry if that’s harsh. Huge hugs op and best of luck

'MN is a strange place full of people with six figure salaries or married to men with six figure salaries, kids at private schools, extremely middle class lifestyles and yet goes bonkers at an inheritance thread.'

It is, but it's also full of people who don't have a lot of money but who've managed to stand on their own feet because they weren't given a handout by a parent.

OP, I don't really have any clever suggestions or solutions but I can empathise with the feelings of resentment - And say I think you have a right to feel like this! Sometimes when you think about what could (and should) have been it's soooo hard to just 'let it go'!

I have been feeling similarly in the last few years - slightly different situation, no one has cheated me out of anything, I just won't get anything in inheritance. Not a penny. I have no family members that own any property or assets that's just how it is. And until now I haven't minded, I love my family and have always known this would be the case. But I'm at an age where a few friends who until now have been at similar life-stages have 'come into' their inheritance lately and it has changed their lives - paid off debts and mortgages etc, leaving them now with very different opportunities than before. Big holidays, private schools, part-time or change of career, extra properties investment, renovations etc, all the things that until now were just pipe dreams. And I can't help feel a bit more worried? bitter? than before that my life will very likely not change significantly until I retire (a good couple of decades away). I can't think of one other friend of mine that won't inherit at all. They will all get money one way or another at some point in the next 10-20 years so I'll have to watch this happen more and more - and it's hard not to think 'what if?'

I have an OK job, as does my DH and we can pay the bills but I wouldn't say we had a lot to spare and nothing left over to save up really.

I'm well aware these feelings are jealousy and resentment - I don't like that about myself and I recognise they're not helpful. And I know I'll get on with it and hopefully get over it. But it still stings when I hear about the next thing people are planning which I have no hope of experiencing myself.

So essentially, I feel you. I don't have the sense of injustice that you must have either, so I can't even think how angry you must be. I think you're not at all unreasonable to be resentful and distressed. But you're not alone, and I hope you can work past this and come to accept It. It sucks, but what else can we do!

Agree with much of what you've said, WillYouPutYourCoatOn

There's so many good suggestions on here. We'd all want champagne tastes for beer money, but for most people life isn't like that, but OP seems to shoot down anything that doesn't 'fit' with her 'victim' mindset. Let the past go, for heaven's sake, OP - you can't change it, so look around at your family and what you have got. Spend the rest of your life embittered? What sort of atmosphere is that for your family - and what a waste of life!

Inheritance is a lost cause. I don't know how you can earn more money/spend less.

But I'm sure you can improve your house. I finally own a home, after waiting many years. Lots of people (you, probably) would think it's shit. Ancient, yellow, filthy radiators. Grotty skirting boards. Awful DIY paint jobs, with horrible beige paint splashed over every window frame. Missing bannisters.

You get the idea. I can't afford professional help for any of this stuff. So I'm doing what I can. Radiator paint costs £27, for example.

What also helps is being grateful.

-Apply for DLA and appeal if it's turned down. You won't know if you don't try.

-Ask around if a friend or family member is able to help with plumbing and siliconing in a new bath, then look for a bath and tiles cheaply/secondhand/free. Cost should be £200 at the absolute maximum. Tiling is easy, or use hotel style splash panels which are even easier to fit, but are more expensive than cheap white tiles.
-Do whatever you can to save pennies (local food pantry or veggie/vegan meals /other super cheap meals, 3x a week) and/or make extra money (surveys, focus groups, selling old clothes online, second jobs etc), until urgent repairs and MOT are paid for and an emergency fund is built up.

If you have debt, get advice and (if possible in your professions) stop paying non-priority bills.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon.

All the stuff with the inheritance - that’s frustrating, but ultimately not something anyone can rely on.

The thing that really strikes me is that you are both university educated, hardworking professionals. I assume you’re a similar age to me. Our generation were taught that if we worked hard enough, we could have a good life. Getting a degree and a good job was supposed to be a guarantee of that.

I was never an academic type, but my parents (bless them) desperately tried to convince me to apply to uni anyway, because they were so sure that it was the best way to security and stability. Neither of them had the chance to go to uni and yet both (divorced now) are more prosperous than I will ever be.

It can feel like we were sold a load of empty promises. I understand your anger.

It would help if you were able to redirect your energy into making a change. Apart from anything else, bitterness and resentment can cause real harm, and it’s probably not doing your relationship any good either.

Without knowing you well enough I can’t give specific advice, but I do know people who have turned their lives around when they started their own business or moved to a different part of the country (or even abroad). You are still young enough to change your life for the better!

Lastly, and I don’t mean this to sound condescending, but please remind yourself of the things you DO have, and be grateful for them. I’ve never been in a position to buy property at all, and many people aren’t able to have the family they desperately want.

Life isn’t easy, but it’s certainly not hopeless.

I get that this is a crappy situation and both families have not made good financial decisions and you feel you’ve lost out. But as a pp said the inheritance is a red herring. On two full time wages in professional jobs you should be more comfortably off and life is definitely harder / more expensive in the UK than many other rich countries. But you have to forget the inheritance and be responsible for yourselves… I do find it very hard though when people who don’t really need it get large inheritances from their family. We are unlikely to and so I’m just trying to make the best of what we have and not rely on anyone else.

Grow up

Sorry to hear about all your worries.

With the mortgage change it to interest only until interest rates are a bit lower again.

Pay is not a secret. You would have know the rate of pay before you even began training so if you weren't happy with that, why did you decide to carry on and begin? You'd do better to find yourself a part time job that sitting there feeling sorry for yourself and peddling the whole 'Woe is me' 🙄

You're not alone. Whilst DH and I aren't struggling to this extent our mortgage repayments went up from £800 to just over £1,300 a month in the last 2 and a half years due to interest rates. Losing £500 a month is enough to put many under, so I can see why people are needing foodbanks more than ever.

Well said.

Is it really the case of you not speaking to your relatives or them not speaking to you? Because quite frankly from the way you have replied to people I would be far more inclined to say it was them not speaking to you if this is how you think is acceptable to speak to people. You came on a public forum, people are giving you advice and you're just giving them grief. Take responsibility for yourself and your life for once

I’m curious about your gms wishes. Were there other gc’s?

This.

its so hard when your kids are small, it really is. It does get easier when they are older. I remember how fucking skint we were it was horrendous. It’s awful but it won’t last forever x

Lots of decisions made in the past can affect our lives going forward.

1. Your grandma told you when you were a teen that you would get a 1/4 of the house and telling your df this.

Unfortunately what people say and what actually happens can be two different things. As I have found in my own family - people state things about inheritance without understanding the legal system. It doesn't matter in law what she said - it is what is written down that counts. She never made a will. There could have been many reasons why she didn't do this. Some people just don't do one. If you die without leaving a will then the state applies the rules of intestacy- her children inherit first so your df inherited the estate - also her sisters assuming they outlived her would have got nothing either and subsequently any of the descendants so this didn't affect you alone. Assuming df was an only child as you don't mention any aunts or uncles He would have got all the inheritance. Sadly for you it is entirely up to him what he does with it and as he was living in his gfs house he done renovations. Strictly speaking your dad should have done his own will naming you as his daughter as a beneficiary. But you then say you were so angry you didn't talk to him and your dc havent met him. I doubt he spent everything on gfs house. But you will never know how much money he has because I doubt he will leave you anything that's left because you took the decision not speak to him. So you had better hope that if he dies with any money in his estate that hasn't written will - you could then inherit as he is not married to his gf. If he is sensible he will have written a will. Have you thought of trying to rebuild a relationship with your df ? You might stand a chance of him leaving you something even if it is only a few small items.