To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

also @OP maybe have a look and see if there is a local fix it group. I live in a big city and we have several. one in a local uni and another that runs out of a food bank. Each week they have different people there who specialise in different things. There have been bike repair people, a guy who could fix small appliances, a lady who could do buttons and zips. This might be an option for your coat.

The only thing anyone can suggest is to look at your budget. Given you won’t answer salary or outgoings you likely know you’re on a much higher rate than some and you’ll know where the money goes perhaps isn’t considered “necessary” or “sensible” by others. You don’t appreciate anyone questioning you on your budget as you feel you shouldn’t be in this position, but really that’s the answer here.

If you’re working 80 hours a week between you in post graduate work and not able to afford a coat that is heartbreaking, but there has to be a reason for it, especially as your post doesn’t sound as though you’re on minimum wage, just not a rate you would like. Only you can answer where that money goes - if it isn’t the bath, or the kitchen, or a pension, or a coat, or a holiday, then it must be somewhere, but we can’t possibly know or suggest where. You don’t sound as though you have paid childcare (which does limit your wage but also limits your expenses - I have one child and I’m £1,200 a month on nursery!), so you need to work out where that money goes and readjust your spending. Yes the cost of living crisis does mean we’re all having to make cut backs and it absolutely sucks, but if you’re working as professionals in the NHS it’s likely that if you managed your money appropriately you could afford a coat.

As for the inheritance, it’s a shame things didn’t pan out as you’d hoped but inheritance would never have been enough to sustain you. Brought down mortgage repayments with a chunkier deposit? Possibly, but only until you wanted to release equity to fix your kitchen, your bathroom etc. realistically they wouldn’t have been as life changing as you want to believe.

Also seen you criticise other peoples tone etc. whilst being downright rude to anyone who suggests anything. Understand you’re angry and feel betrayed that people took the inheritance that was legally theirs (no will it passes to the child NOT the grandchild so if she didn’t make a will it WAS his!) but you’re just coming across as massively entitled. The issue is with your own budgeting. Maybe try having one car for a bit whilst you save up to fix yours - you might find you can half your costs on insurance etc. only running one (we both work full time, have a child and only have one car because we can’t afford to run 2 comfortably - it is possible to do!)

But any response to this will just be you shouting at me and telling me off for my tone so I know that I’m wasting my time here! Happy budgeting ;)

How do you know we have 1 car? Where have I said that? You're wrong.
Your OP mentions a car that has failed its MOT. So unless you have posted elsewhere that you have two cars we can only assume you have one and that it is currently undriveable.

BTW you mention not being able to have a holiday. Well neither do many other families in your situation. Sad but true. Neither of my DDs and their families have had holidays in years. If you are currently working for the NHS and unable to pay into their pension scheme perhaps you would be financially better off working in the private sector?

OP, in your shoes, I'd create an income and expenditure sheet.
Go through your bank statements and list everything (down to the penny) on it. Sometimes looking at it in black and white shifts your perspective and you can see what you need to cut.

A PP has already mentioned the entitled to website and claiming DLA.

I know you feel miserable but you need to dig yourself out of this hole. Forget about what you could have inherited, its doing you no good.

Have to agree with others that say focus on your outgoings and what you can control. The inheritance and other family stuff is utterly shit but it is noisy drama that doesn't help you deal with the current financial situation you are in right now.

I get it Op. You have every right to be annoyed. Hell, you'd be annoyed even if you weren't struggling!

Not inheriting anything IS NOT THE SAME as being promised an inheritance and having that ripped away, by someone who should have had your best interests at heart.

I'm stunned by how many posters think that Op shouldn't be upset - get real.

If your parents have nothing, you expect nothing. It's a huge blow if you've been told you're getting roughly a quarter of a Million, for that to be, in effect stolen from you and spent on your Dad's partner's home - bad enough if it was the Dad's home (at least that would eventually pass down to the Op), but this money, was in effect, given to someone who Op's granny didn't intend it to be given to. It feels like stealing.

My DH was promised some money by his Dad a few years ago - a life changing amount - then, inexplicably, he just "changed his mind" and didn't follow through. It really grates, and it would have been better to not have been promised it at all! Because you often think "damn, we could have bought that if FIL had kept that promise". That's human nature.

My Dad had a close friend whose Mum owned a large property portfolio. She married a man and died shortly thereafter. Yes, you've guessed it, the whole portfolio went to the new DH and his kids.

I'm really sorry Op, it all sounds so fucking frustrating, but you know what, things can only get better from here, and you will work your way up.

You are angry and upset, and you feel cheated out of a decent lifestyle. You are thinking about the money that could have come your way, and how much easier and nicer things could be for you and your family now. You are allowed to feel defensive, angry, furious even. Your feelings are valid. You've acknowledged them and that's a good thing.

You can't live in this space for long though. The money has gone, that's in the past now. It's something that will try and drag you down with it. You have two healthy children, you own your home and you have your health. You have so much positivity in your life, and there's a lot to be happy about.

Move on - put those feelings behind you now. You have a life to lead, and you can make the best out of it with the good foundations you have already laid.

Good luck!

Who is to say that the OP's dad isn't on the deeds or hasn't bought something else with his money? He didn't spend 3/4 million on a kitchen, now, did he? If the OP is not in touch with her dad, she won't know about how he has arranged his assets. This isn't a brief one year marriage after being widowed, he set up a life with someone else, for thirty or more years.

I'm sure my grandma wouldn't be that happy my dad lives in her old house with his second wife of twenty years as she loved my mum, but it's reasonable when people inherit money to spend it enhancing their lives on this earth, especially in long-term decades long relationships. I wouldn't expect my dad to rent, and give the money to me!

OP I wonder if you have built up debts based on money you thought you were going to get and now that is hasn’t materialised you have high debt repayments - which would explain the discrepancy between you both having graduate level jobs yet living in a state of abject poverty. If that’s the case then I’d suggest contacting an organisation like step change.

Have you any idea of how much it costs to contest a Will and how difficult it is? Solicitors costs, even for preliminary advice? And there is no guarantee anyone contesting it will be successful. If the deceased was of sound mind and it was their money and nothing illegal involved, then it's a really hard thing to prove there's a case, it isn't like going to the shops for a loaf of bread.

DLA is not dependent on what kind of school your child goes to. Do your children have an EHCp, see a paediatrician?
As a carer in receipt of carers Allowance you are allowed to earn up to a certain amount with a child care allowance taken in to account.
Have you approached an organisation like Carers Resource and asked if someone can visit you to talk about benefits and support? Many will help you fill in forms like DLA
think this could really help you.
Lots of families who work still qualify for benefits . Some organisation run free or reduced rate coach trips & grants towards short breaks.
There is help out there for families it’s just being confident enough to look.
Dont just assume you don’t qualify OP

This, 100%. Nobody can or should assume that any inheritance will be forthcoming, what with the cost of Care Home fees, so although it's no consolation, OP, there are others who will also end up with nothing. You obviously feel terribly upset about how all this has panned out, but do try not to let the past spoil your present.

As said, people should always put their wishes in a will, not trust to luck that their wishes will be carried out after their death.

You can't change or control what has happened and it's your choice to determine if that's enough to go non contact.
I think you can see that your anger is impacting your happiness so I'd find a way to move on and assess your circumstances and what could maybe change.
Check you are claiming everything you are entitled to and check your budget.
I agree it's frustrating when there's too much month left at the end of your money but the only way to make it easier is to either decrease your costs or make more money.
Also, don't assume that you are the only one in this situation with the blockers you say you have.

Not read all 10 million replies, but welcome to life. Sorry to sound non sympathetic but this is the story for me too and probably half the population.

Houses are money pits. The only people I know with show-home type homes that are spotless have money and definitely don’t have a mortgage. Therefore, having a pristine home is something they can afford. Me? My kitchen is hideous, bathroom needs doing, my washing machine is outside (yes really), all the decor needs doing, carpets need replacing upstairs, the guttering is broken, brickwork outside needs grouting…..and I can’t afford any of it.

I won’t inherit anything. My granddad on my dad’s side was wealthy, but he left his entire estate to the woman he remarried and not a penny to his children. The will was contested but didn’t amount to anything. Oh well. My parents are divorced and haven’t got a pot to piss in; I financially support my mother.

BUT, I’m blessed. I have a mortgage and a house. Yes it’s a bit of a mess, but it’s not like I’m living in a shanty town. I’ll do it bit by bit eventually. It’s never going to look pristine, nor will I ever be mortgage free, but that’s ok. I live modestly most of the time but I’m not on the bare bones of my arse. I can afford to eat, I’m heathy, I’ve got a great career and will always be in work (nurse) but will never be a top earner, I have great family and friends. It’s all about perspective. Count your blessings and the things you do have.

MN is a strange place full of people with six figure salaries or married to men with six figure salaries, kids at private schools, extremely middle class lifestyles and yet goes bonkers at an inheritance thread

Yes. Berating the OP and then saying how they've got watertight wills etc. to make sure it won't happen to their family. 🙄

Well said, your words really inspire me.

I was just coming on to write the very same thing!

Op your anger is totally justified in every way! I would be livid about the selfishness of those close to you but also furious about the way your grandmother was too trusting and did not look after her affairs properly and did not write it all down in a will. I'd be extremely upset too.

If ever there was a post highlighting the importance of making a will then your op is it!

Massively stressful and draining and difficult though it is, there is a pride in standing completely on your own feet. If your dc are young then you will have the opportunity to work ft eventually and you and your dh have professional qualifications so hopefully there is room for career development.

I think all you can do on a practical level is clean and organise and ruthlessly declutter the space you have and take as much pride in it as you can and hang in there and be grateful every day for a good dh and healthy dc and work as hard as you can to improve your situation. Sending strength.

MN is a strange place full of people with six figure salaries or married to men with six figure salaries, kids at private schools, extremely middle class lifestyles and yet goes bonkers at an inheritance thread.

I fall somewhat into this category, but I made my own money and didn't expect anything from my parents. There is a difference, no?

Sorry op I have just read your update about your dc having SEN op and it being difficult to work ft.

I'm really sorry. My post comes across as rather patronising in the light of that, which was not my intention.

I don't know what to say except that your situation is shit and unfair and, even given that, and sorry if it sounds harsh, but better to leave the past behind or you will drive yourself mad with the injustice of it.

I presume there is no possiblility of legal redress?

I’m sorry, OP, that is shit of your DF (and your FIL). However, as PPs said, you can only move forwards and do the best you can with what you have.

I think your options are:

• Move to a cheaper area in the U.K. (salaries are often lower but there is still a much better ratio of income to housing costs).

• Consider moving abroad, as your skills are likely to be needed everywhere and you could potentially have a far better quality of life.

• Realise that ‘meaningful’ is not always enough and find careers that pay a lot better.

Please don't rely on people/ family/ inheritance to get you where you want in life.

Do it yourself. I promise you this it achievable if you are hardworking, focused and a bit tenacious!

x

Sending strength. It’s always stayed with me that “money and death do funny things to funny people”. I work in healthcare single mum raised me and tear away brother. I had 2 kids and he has 4! Mum has bungalow outright. My mum dotes on my kids never sees his. I manage all my mums affairs and appointment's. He can’t do any wrong but visits if in the area 2x yearly quick 5mins and off again. You bet when something happens it will be me taking time off work unpaid sorting apts or me caring for her. He will rear his ugly face once she’s gone 100%. Wanting anything and everything. You have to have it in writing! Or contest ASAP! My advice would be get in the council and see if you can join council property list and look at selling. I’m not sure how it works but you need to speak to an advisor. This is happening to anyone and everyone so don’t try and make it work. It’s not and it prob won’t. You will be ok.

I'm really sorry to read this, OP. It's absolutely devastating when your own parents reveal so clearly that they care more about themselves than they do about you, as your father has done in so glibly spending what should have been your inheritance. It really hurts and - money aside - is a very difficult thing to get over or rise above.

You do need to move on, though, because the past is the past and there's no way of changing it. Ultimately, feeling anger about it will only hurt you. None of the people you feel angry with will be hurt by it at all. As they say, the best revenge is living well - and I know you're really struggling and things seem shit at the moment, and I can't advise on how you might be able to improve on that as there aren't enough specifics in your post to be able to do that. But that's where you need to start. Work out a way to fix the broken stuff, and book a holiday. That is not an unachievable dream, I promise. Good luck.

You’re born with nothing and you die with nothing.

Happening to us too.

Boils down to dad's wifes children benefiting from my mum (deceased)and her family's money.

mum/dad house was bought outright with inheritance from mum.

Dad and wife have gifted out huge deposits to her children doing equity release+ all dad's savings (which frankly were my mum's).

I am equally angry and sad that dad allowed all this to happen against everything my mum wanted.

now his wife is in a care home he's come crawling back to me so sorry about everything and didn't realise what he was signing etc..... I think he's now scared how precarious his position is now.

It's really really hard not to be bitter and twisted about it all.