To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

YANBU OP

It sounds really tough. Not having a bath, or a decent coat, having to live with broken things, and not having the money even for the smallest treat wears you down.

And knowing that you could have inherited some money is also hard.

There is a lot of very good advice on this thread, both for making extra money, saving small amounts, and for ways to deal with the kitchen, bath, carpets, coat, etc.
Definitely look at sites like marketplace, gumtree, free cycle etc. My town has a local recycling Facebook page where people give things away and also ask for things. Worth checking?

I also think that you need some help for your mental state. I would suggest counselling but it's not cheap and difficult to access on the NHS. Unless there's a work based scheme you could use?
Have you tried meditation? There are lots of free guided meditations on YouTube. I know it probably sounds like a silly suggestion with all you have going on, but meditation really helps me deal with life!

I wish you all the best OP.

A glass half full personality always helps 💐

OP I’m sorry this is so hard. You sound exhausted and stuck in a very dark place. Unable to let go. I understand that right now there’s nothing you feel you can do on a practical level.

Here’s a thought: Does your work have employee assistance where you can get a few sessions with a counsellor to get this anger out of your body and mind?

Start with releasing that. It can put you on a better trajectory. I think anger may be blocking you from finding a way out of this

This is very true.

Yes, But (and I'm not giving my salary) on paper I earn pretty good money. not as much as the OPs combined income for sure, but I only have one child without disability and live in a smaller place. I also have less costs like a car etc. I know that me and the OP aren't in exactly the same financial position but I can completely understand how someone (or 2 people) who are earning "good" money wouldn't see that reflected in their standard of living in the way they probably would have done 25 years ago when they would have been wealthy professionals. I am sure there is stuff she can do to improve her situation. But I don't think she is a spendthrift.

And its concerning because if someone on an above average income is struggling, people further down the ladder will be falling of completely.

Sorry Op, the inheritances have not materialised and never will, they do not exist, they won’t come back, you need to put this behind you before all that bitterness makes you more miserable.

You both work VERY long hours, in professional jobs, and you mention you are quite frugal with your expenses, so I assume that the vast majority of your money goes into massive mortgage payments, an immense amount of debt or very expensive essential adaptations for your disabled kids as otherwise this doesn’t make sense at all.

You need to stop putting the blame on being left out of the inheritance and look into what is really making you this poor and what you can do to sort it, you need to examine how you spend your money in much detail. You cannot do anything at all about the inheritance, you can however workout how to make the best with whatever money you got, as we all do.

Google mending plates on amazon, they are for repairing kitchen cupboard doors where the screw holes in the chipboard have become too loose, they are not expensive for a pack with a good few. Failing that if there is another cupboard beside the broken door one then just use much longer screws than existing ones so they go through the loose holes and into the adjoining cupboard side which will hold them. I'd be all for peeling off the laminate too and painting the doors, it's time and a certain amount of money for paint but it's an option.

And its easy to get worn down. I got like that after the initial high of buying my house faded (plus other stresses) and sort of... gave up for a while. Everything was breaking all at once or going wrong and fixing it all seemed too much so I stopped bothering. I snapped out of it and am back slowly progressing now. But its normal for the OP to want to rant. Even if it isn't helpful long term to focus on the negatives.

If you both have professional qualifications can you not move to a cheaper area of the country or even emigrate. Just a suggestion.

I'm sorry, it must be so hard every day knowing that life could (should?) have been so much better for you and your family. I don't think it's hard to understand that. I hope things can start to improve and you are able to move on from this .

Haven't RTFT.
I understand you feel things could have been so much better if only.... but life's not fair and you have to look to the future. I'm not sure why the bathroom refit has to cost so much if you shop around and DIY it, or why cupboard doors keep falling off. Have you got a handy friend who can help?

That might be a good idea but (from experience) it can get difficult if family members you are in contact with (OPs mum who also doesn't have a house) become unwell/frailer and suddenly you are torn between seeing them and your life (work/kids) in the new country. Been there, done that and bought the T-shirt of guilt. Also, if the kids have special needs that's an extra consideration. It doesn't make it impossible but researching what help they could get would be very important.

You are being bloody rude to people OP. The reason people are asking about your earnings and outgoings is so they may be able to offer some advice. I get you're in a shit situation but taking it out on randoms won't help.

@StillAtDusk I would be feeling the same as you if that had happened to me.

People can be shits and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it or could have done about it to avoid being in this situation. I know that doesn't sound like any practical help but I promise you, when you accept that people can be shits and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it - it does help to calm your thoughts, eventually.

@StillAtDusk just jumping in to say apply for DLA for both of your children. My son has autism, and doesn't have learning difficulties but really really struggled throughout mainstream school and he was entitled to DLA and I know of many friends whose children had similar needs and they were also entitled to DLA. Its worth filling out the forms and applying and stress the difficulties and issues your children have. They may be refused it but you won't know until you try. It's not means tested or assessed on whether parents work, its if your child has a disability or difficulty and needs extra support compared to a neuro typical child of their age then they may be entitled to it.

My grandad left me some money in his will. Unfortunately when I was young I cut ties with my narcissistic dad and this meant any money left to me I never received. My dad has now died.
Like you I have struggled financially, not yet owning my own home even though I've worked since leaving school. I'm not bitter because life's too short but there are times when I've had to rely on loans just to feed my children. My aim this year is to be debt free

I find it strange when people on here sneeringly tell NHS staff that if they don't like it they should go private, emigrate, or retrain to something that pays better.

As though the next time they have to take their child to the ER, they'd be happy to find all the most capable people had left for greener pastures and it's now staffed entirely by duds who couldn't get employment anywhere else.

this is such a deranged thread. Instead of doing something about your current circumstances you are busy obsessing about things way out of your control.

I just refuse to believe there was a million pound house with no will.

JFC focus on the here and now!

when I have been tight for cash I’ve worked 2 jobs (bar job evenings) and so has my husband. To me working 30 hrs a week is a luxury

Just to reiterate OP. DLA is not means tested and there is nothing to say that it is not for children in mainstream school. It is given because it is more expensive to have a child with disabilities. It can be a significant help.

https://www.gov.uk/disability-living-allowance-children

This is an excellent post, with some really great points.

Of course you feel angry OP as you have been treated unfairly. The anger and bitterness isn’t helping you though and you need to let it go and start where you are. Definitely apply for DLA for the children and get help with filling out the paperwork. I know people claiming DLA whose children are in school. There are tips on here for improving the kitchen cheaply. People often advertise their old kitchen cabinets which are in good shape when they upgrade.

This is so sad. Inheritance is another topic, but you need to somehow improve your financial situation. What are you salaries and mortgage? If you literally can't buy a coat you've got no buffer for anything. If you both have degrees, you need to change jobs. This situation just makes no sense.

OP, I've had an experience in which my PIL's terrible behaviour cost us a great deal of money. Our money, not theirs. In my case it was the equivalent of a year's income.

It also caused a lot of personal hurt. It's not just the money, is it? It's the hurt and betrayal and disappointment that someone who is meant to be in your corner, has shoved you down.

If you had lost that money to theft from a stranger, or a bad investment, or a property crash etc it would be upsetting or course. But not consuming and hurtful like this is.

I felt angry. Really angry. I saw a therapist because I was so tired of feeling angry.

Anger isn't always bad. Anger is a protective friend. Anger is on our side. Anger is looking out for US when maybe other people aren't.

My advice is to feel the anger for now. And then let it go.

My anger is 99% gone. It still sometimes flares up and that's ok.

It's understandable that it's hurtful that your father disregarded your GM's wishes and took the momey for himself. It is.

But if you carry on being angry about it, he will fuck you over twice. Once financially and once mentally. He will have not only taken your money, he will have taken your mental well being too.

Only you can let it go. And, as you've spotted yourself, there is a chance you would never have sen that money anyway. That your GM would have had to use it for care etc.

It's just luck of the draw you inherits and who doesn't and you - like me! - won't.

There are people on here genuinely offering to help you make sure you are claiming everything you need to.

They may even help you spot where you might take your career that still leaves you feeling like you are doing some good. but perhaps earns you a bit more money also. Now or in the future.

They can also help (and have tried to) with ways you can repaire your home yourself for cheaper than getting someone to do it. For example, while not exactly easy, it is also not that hard to change a bath and retile around it. More so, if you take it stage by stage.

It can be hard to let go of injustice but I think you'd genuinely find life easier and more enjoyable, if you could.

The thing is people just say stuff. My mother told her granddaughter she would inherit enough money to buy a flat and said it loads of times, she had money invested in shares etc. She did it to court favour and be liked. It happens.
I understand why you feel angry but really annoying inheritance is such a bonus but you just can't expect it.