To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

Haven't RTFT but so far it's just not making sense. Even on the lowest band in the NHS which requires specialist qualifications that would give you a household income of £75k+ a year.... ok that's for two full-time roles but as your DH works over 37.5 hours a week he will be entitled to claim overtime and/or enhancements.

The NHS AfC pay scale includes a cost of living rise every year, and there has been a recent pay rise. I know it's not enough and it doesn't reflect anywhere near the CoL but it does exist, there's no pay freeze.

The only exception to that is medical grades, which if you were at the top of your profession you'd both be consultants...

I’ve been in a situation where I couldn’t afford a coat through winter - found one on Camden market for a few quid in the end and loved it. That same winter I wore sling back shoes because they were all I had. I lived in one room and ate tinned food heated up on a single ring stove in the room. I went for walks along the river and spent time with friends, happy enough and making the best of it.

When my DC was young I was a single parent thanks to a shit of an exH and spent many nights with a pad of paper trying to convince myself that the outs didn’t outweigh the ins. They did, but somehow I managed and made our house homely and welcoming. I juggled childcare and working FT, stressful though it was. When my DC needed financial help at Uni years later I was proud to provide it and everything else they needed. My hard work paid off so I never regret that struggle during the early years.

My GP was very wealthy and always promised myself and my sibling would inherit and be setup for life. Unfortunately they did not leave a will and the surviving GP gave us £300 each. Yes, £300. At the time my marriage was failing and I couldn’t afford to stay in the family home with my DC so we were forced to relocate to a cheaper area. We left work, school, friends. When the surviving GP died, they had somehow shifted the lot to my aunt, bypassing even my DP. What’s the point in being angry about that? It won’t change a thing.

We all have hard times and crushing disappointments, emotional upheaval and yes, betrayal.

Point is, the only person who can change anything about your circumstances is you and your DH. Being angry and bitter will just spoil your lives, frankly. The way you lash out at people here speaks volumes. If you can’t find it within yourself to change how you approach things, for the sake of your DC you should seek help. Pointless eating yourself up with negative emotions.

As much as I can agree with some of your points, I think this is a little harsh and unkind. The OP is within her rights to feel resentful about things, and I totally understand her bitterness at her dad and his "squandered" inheritance that was meant to be hers.

We don't know exactly what the OP's finances are, and she truly might not have any wriggle room after all bills etc are paid. Perhaps we should also be kind and assume that she doesn't have any debt apart from a mortgage (which could be more expensive because of the COL crisis, but then it is for a lot of people). Not everyone has a credit card or other debt too.

The thing about wills is - great expectations very often don’t come to fruition as they’re eaten up with care fees, inheritor remarries etc.

You’re describing a disparate set of circumstances of things that might have happened, but did not. It’s all very nebulous to be so angry and bitter about.

Particularly sitting round a table being told you’d inherit X from your grandmother when she didn’t even have a will. Most gps leave their estate to their spouse or their children, with perhaps a token to the gc.

The real issue imo is why you and DH have so little income given your training. That’s the area to focus on. And also why on earth you haven’t properly researched claiming DLA.

This is so sad and so Victorian OP. Your father should have been there for you, how hurtful!

You sound like a really good person who has been disappointed in life. I don’t know what the answer is. Being good and moral etc does not make you rich. But maybe it can fill your bucket in a different way? I don’t know the answer.

Maybe you all need a new start somewhere cheaper in the country, with more nature etc. and less pressured schooling, especially at secondary level.

One thing I do know is that you have to let go of the anger and bitterness towards your father, that may be freeing. I would cut all ties. Go for a fresh start, even in a small way.

As regards coats etc, people are giving lots away free on eg Freecycle. If you are really struggling try the local food banks etc. I think your one blessing is that you have your own home and cannot be turfed out by a landlord. Even if stuff is broken and it is frustrating, that is still yours and many many people would give everything to have their own home. Don’t be scared to try and get free stuff from everywhere if you need it. Many people are doing this now. There is no shame in it. That is just the reality many families are now in. Work does not pay enough anymore and working people are taxed far too much.

Sadly I think you're being eaten up with bitterness and you need to find someway of letting go of this. Whilst the circumstances were sad, you need to find a way to build your own lives and achieve what you want without this bitterness hanging on to you and dragging you down

OP you so sound incredibly bitter and angry throughout your post. The inheritances were not yours and not to be relied on. You and your husband are the people responsible for your lives so try and find a way to let the emotion go. It’s really not helping you. When people
really want a certain outcome on their death they make a will. It’s not hard to do and most people are at some time or other offered to have one written. As unfair as you may feel your family have been, it has been their money to do with as they wish. Not yours, owed to you.
I am sure lots feel the financial strain right now and can offer you advice around budgeting or food bank use etc if that would help.
Your children most certainly are entitled to a degree of DLA. I know children in mainstream Ed. That receive middle tier payments. You do not even need a formal diagnosis to get payments. You just need to describe how their lives are affected by their needs. It’s certainly something you should look into if they can’t access childcare etc because of it, then I am sure you will qualify as they sound quite affected. These payments are to support them in ways like you may need 1:1 swimming lessons, pay for classes etc to help socialisation etc. but ultimately it can help you as a family while you need the support.

Please, be kind to your own soul. No need to be bitter, it will only eat you up. Think of if that way: if there is eternal justice, you are ok. You have done nothing wrong, you are providing for the family you have.

In all my relatives lives and mine, we were deprived of inheritance also. My mother in law after her husband died of cancer, was given nothing, her husband's brother got it all. My parents gave everything to my brother in another country, my grandfather also wanted to give me absolutely everything and even if he did, I do not have money to go abroad and deal with all the local lawyers and 5 other greedy adults, actually 10 because grandfather has 2 daughters and with the husbands and two sets of kids that is 10 adults.

now, my mother in law married a step father to my husband and he has got all her money.

It is not fair. What I do, is making sure that what I have will go to my child.

Nothing will improve as long as you hold this anger and bitterness inside you.
Its gone, the money is GONE.

ITs ok to be pissed off, but to let it control every single thing about your life, will destroy you. And it will have been YOU that did that to you, no one else. Not your father, not your granny, not your DHs family, just you.
Anyone can have shit happen to them, but how you deal with it is what matters.
You have one life, how you live it is up to you. How is your anger affecting your children, do they see how bitter you are? That cant be good for them.
I have always tried to teach my children to be grateful for what we DO have, not bitter about what we dont.
God knows we have been broke AS FUCK, now we are not, thankfully. We worked our way out of it, not a penny of inheritance did it.
Seriously, your anger will destroy your life, not your lack of money.
Address that first.

OP, I get you are so angry, but that anger is holding you back

I would go over to Moneysavingexpert and post there, on the disability and benefits board, you will get a lot of help on what and how to apply for and also on the Debt Free Wanna be board - Im not saying you are in debt, but its a great resource and support when you are trying to make the income stretch. Theres so much help over there for people who are struggling. Be mindful though, you will be asked very pertinent questions, but they are asked so that the correct advice can be given

Seriously two people on their top grade within the NHS shouldn't be struggling so much financially. I could sit here and say I feed and clothe three of us on 12k a year, as well as run a car, mobile, tv and subscription and landline, but thats not going to help you as my circumstances are totally different to yours, but I manage to mange on so little because of the help and advice Ive learned over on MSE, we live well, but within our means. Its hard work at times but its a lot less stressful then carrying anger and bitterness

I hope when you calm down you can take the good from this thread and find a way forwards

All the best

If you'd read previous posts you will see where I completely understand the feelings of being completely fucked over.

We don't know what OP's finances are because she shouts at anyone who uses the information she's given and asks why two NHS professionals at the top of their pay bands, no childcare costs, "tiny" house on low mortgage rate can not afford a coat between them. This doesn't add up. So there's something she doesn't want to mention, but as PP states, she just lashes out at anyone pointing this inconsistency out. It is not "unkind" to point out this glaring issue FFS.

She can't accept that her day to day finances are her responsibility, or that she should have to do anything about them. She just wants to be angry that her inability to afford the house she chose is because she hasn't been gifted money. She didn't get it. That's shit. It's also got bugger all to do with her subsequent life choices that have put her in this mess.

Why assume she's got no debts? That's the opposite of what her financial situation suggests. Because there are two good wages, low mortgage rate, no childcare, tiny house (low council tax and utilities) and yet neither adult can replace a coat and she sits there shivering.

You can "be kind" and sugarcoat her situation, or you can pull your big girl pants up and get realistic. She says they can't afford their mortgage going up. So what do you propose, continuing her current stance and maybe shout at the mortgage company "my dad stole 1/4 of my nans house so what do you expect me to do?" as if that makes any difference to anything.

She's in a hole. She needs to take responsibility that she in in control of her own actions and life, and that life is not something that just happens to her. That's not harsh. That's real. And the only way she's ever going to change things.

Please do claim DLA for your children OP. My daughter is main stream educated but we get higher rate care and mobility. There are lots of great resources for completing the forms and hopefully your school SENCO will be able to write a letter of support, as well as any health professionals working with your kids.

This is kindly meant, and as others have said, your bitterness is holding you back. You can't change the past, you must let it go and concentrate on the future. We all have setbacks in life but it's not about what has happened, but more about how you deal with it. You have two children and a husband, those children will only be young for a very finite length of time - why waste it being so bitter? Your family deserve more, as do you.

Regarding your finances - this seems difficult to understand, given you are professionals on a professional salary. There are all sorts of ways to improve your situation. You need a new coat? - go on Vinted - you can get beautiful 100% wool coats very cheaply. Look at your budget - see how you can reframe your finances - go through everything - and maybe try and stop being an angry, bitter victim and think about what you do have in your life, rather than what you don't. You need to make peace with yourself OP.

I'm surprised, given that you are seemingly intelligent individuals, that you can't figure out how to replace or repair a bath yourselves. You do know you can get repair kits to fix holes in baths?
Likewise with your coat. Remove the zipper and replace it with a new one.

I've been poor and figured out rather creative ways of fixing things and making things last. I suggest you become a bit more proactive with your DIY.
Also join freecycle, someone will probably just give you an old coat if you ask for one. You could probably even find new kitchen cupboard doors. My kitchen cupboard doors were given to me this way - and I've painted them myself to spruce them up.
Stop wallowing in self pity, it's holding you back. If it makes you feel any better, my dad didn't leave a will and his wife, only 6 years older than me who he'd only been with 3 years got everything (even though my father said who he wanted the house to go to, and my cousin was convinced that he did actually do a will, but we could never find it). His house was mortgage free - she sold it and gave half her money to her brother for his share of their fathers house. Yes, it's galling, but that's life. No point dwelling on it and thinking of what ifs.

Exactly. This is why the pages and pages of suggestions are a waste of posters' time.

IMO, this is a middle class whinge (which is fair enough – as professional graduates, we're totally squashed by the COL situation, house is a shabby mess too) about an overextended mortgage, house being a bit cramped and needing work like many others in property-squeezed areas like SE, and not being able to afford a nice brand coat replacement so just not bothering at all.

She's not going to go to a bloody food bank or use Freecycle, and benefits aren't on her radar which is why she's not even pleased to know she's eligible.

@suki1964 makes some very good points, OP.

Your (understandable) anger at being shat on financially is blocking you from doing what you need to do to remedy the situation you are in. Getting an impartial eye on your finances from MSE or the Money Matters section on here would be an excellent idea. Ime, very few people are budgetting so well that they can't make any savings, and often a stranger will see ways that significant savings can be made.

And please apply for DLA for the children. Even the lowest rate of the care element is over £100 a month. There are also charities that will make grants to NHS staff who are in hardship, it may be worth looking into those.

Longer term, would you consider moving to a part of the country where housing costs are lower? NHS jobs are very transferable, and there are lovely parts of the UK where housing is still reasonably priced. If I was still relatively young, there's no way I'd stay in the SE and be skint when I could be comfortably off elsewhere.

The coat thing is ridiculous. I got a brand new with tags coat on Vinted for a fiver. Nobody needs to go without a bloody coat.

I don't blame you for being angry, resentful and bitter, OP. No one has honoured their promises to you, have they? And when you are struggling financially, it becomes all the more apparent.

But, for your own mental health and happiness, you need to find a way to let these negative feelings go somehow. The past cannot be changed and you are only hurting yourself with feelings that are eating you alive.

Especially when they say they can afford takeaway coffee and usually have a holiday.

Sorry but you sound absolutely appalling with money.
Stop wasting your energy on all this weird bitterness, accept your situation and deal with it. Work out all that your entitled to and how you can sort your outgoings out. And ffs, start paying into your pension!

Massively this.

If I can't have a nice brand new coat then I can't afford one because people like me don't go to charity shops.

The lifestyle she believes they are entitled to, she can't afford. And isn't interested in any solution, because a long passed windfall she didn't receive should have been the answer. And that's that.

As I say, she's going to have fun shouting that at the mortgage company when they put the rates up.

This needs a lot of counselling to let go of anger, and a serious look at expenditure, because that's the real reason they're in this mess, a lost inheritance is smoke and mirrors.

OP - try Vinted for a new coat. You can get some great coats for very little.

OP this level of bitterness is not helpful for anyone.

Your DH works full time and you nearly full time. You don’t pay for childcare. So unless you took on a mortgage you really couldn’t afford, I’m just not seeing any reason you’d have a coat without a zip or no oven.

Again, this is the real issue.

It's OK to vent - god knows I've done it on MN. I totally agree with other PPs that you can only control what you do, not the people around you. Focus on your incomings & expenditure - go over to MSE. Not to be flippant - in your shoes, I would use a credit card to fix the car since I would need a car for work so that's an essential. Next up, would be the broken oven since you can only last so long with a microwave/hob. Just take the doors off the kitchen cupboards - you can live with open shelves for quite awhile. The hole in the bath - unless it's leaking, it's not an emergency.

One thing at a time. Take the pressure off yourselves. Free half term activities - all the country parks within an hour of your home. The weather is warming up and bright right now. (SE). Just agree to plan for a staycation & cheap day outs. I'm 52 and we're comfortably off now but there has been a few years, back in the day when we couldn't afford to go on holiday so we just didn't. It's a luxury, not an essential. I'm not one to just spend on a credit card (unless I could pay it off every month) but I definitely managed cash flow with it when I had to in the past. If you can see/plan your way out of what seems to be a financial pit, you'll feel better. Life is a rollercoaster and surviving the troughs only makes you stronger.