To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

It is absolutely shit and I would be angry as well if that happened to me.
Resentment and anger can unfortunately end up harming ourselves which is why we sometimes need to let go. Even if the anger is perfectly justified!

Relying on inheritance is the worst of all financial strategies. And most people do not get any, or any significant inheritance. Your grandmother failed to do what was necessary to ensure her wishes were put into practice and that is annoying, but resenting it is just a waste of time and energy.

"Lots of people asking why we can't afford to repair our house and car.
Because we have no savings, and what we get paid each month goes straight back out again. There's no money left over.
The cost of living crisis has hammered us.
Even the cost of food each month is extortionate.
We live frugally.
We don't dine out.
No takeaways.
No coffees.
No cinema trips.
Half term this week and we haven't been able to afford to take DC to anywhere that costs money.
No way to earn more as both at top spine point of pay bracket in our professions.
I've been walking around in a coat all winter that has a broken zip. At first I thought oh well, I'll just do it up with the poppers instead, as it had poppers over the top of the zip. But then the poppers broke too. So for the past 3 months I haven't been able to do my coat up, and I've been really cold at times.
This is how hard up we are."

@StillAtDusk this is where you said you can't afford coffee.
You should never rely on inheritance

Only way out for you is to try and get better paid roles. Yes this may mean retraining or getting a position with more responsibility. I am also NHS and have had to take further exams to better my earning power. Needs must. You can use your energy feeling bitter but it won't change your situation.

And if you feel your parents have let you down by not setting you up for life- are you happy with the life you are giving your own kids? Touche i know and not what you want to hear.

DLA isn't means tested, so working makes no difference. If your children's additional needs mean that they need more care and/or supervision than a child of the same age without those needs, you could be entitled to DLA for them.

That could make a big difference to you financially and, as it takes a while to process, you could be in line for an arrears payment that would enable you to fix a few things.

Getting DLA can also raise the threshold at which you are entitled to other help, eg a reduction in council tax or a top-up from UC.

Your anger and bitterness at your father is understandable, but you have to find a way to let it go, or it will eat you up and stop you from moving on. It's foolish to bank on an inheritance, even if your father hadn't behaved like a shit it could easily have gone on care home fees or been left to a charity.

Focus on addressing the things that you can do something about. Depending on how big the hole in the bath is, you may be able to do a temporary repair with a bath repair kit, which would cost about £25. And fitting a new bath isn't massively difficult, if you can find a new one that's the same size and with the same size and placement of tap holes. A friend and I replaced hers, using a DIY manual and borrowed tools. And get some velcro for your coat!

@StillAtDusk "Lots of people asking why we can't afford to repair our house and car.
Because we have no savings, and what we get paid each month goes straight back out again. There's no money left over."

If it helps I can completely understand this bit! I work full time on a reasonably good salary (single mother though so its only one income) and for years and years was stuck in shitty rented accommodation paying rent to pay of my landlords mortgage. Which went up and up every year. I saved so hard for a deposit, never ever bought even a coffee at work, never ever spent money on socialising, spending the bare minimum on clothes etc but there were still lots of costs I couldn't avoid (like clothes etc for my child who I don't want to go without). Finally I was able to buy a very small ground floor flat with a small back garden (no front garden it opens onto the street). The mortgage repayments mean there isn't any money left over each month though and like you there is absolutely loads of stuff in the house that's broken/needs fixing and I just don't have the time to do it. So I went from living in a rented flat that smells like sewage because the landlord refused to fix the leaking pipes to living in my own flat that smells like sewage because the expensive plumber I paid to come and fix the problem didn't actually fix the problem properly and is now ignoring me. Also almost my entire 30s will have been spent scrimping and saving and I feel old and haggard now :(

I know other people have life much harder and I am so glad I actually own somewhere I can't be kicked out of at a few months notice (and that the money I pay out each month is actually buying me a house not twattymctwatface landlord.) But the fake confused attitude of "I just caaahhhnt see whyy aaahnyone would liive like this. Spend less on avocado toast" is infuriating.

Also I would be very upset at the inheritance situation. Its galling enough to see better of siblings getting more support but at least rationally I don't have any entitlement to that money/support.

I get it, OP. There are so many people who could have given you some financial security or at least helped a bit and they chose not to. I'm sorry.

Is it an option to leave the NHS and work privately? Would that increase your income?

But actually, on practical issues I was able to fix a big hole in the sink with epoxy resin (cheap from the hardware store). I also know someone who fixed a big hole in a bath with duct tape. Its not recommended and its shitty feeling like everything has to be a bodged DIY job but needs must.

You are entitled to rant however.

OP, with kindness, how long do you want to go on feeling this way? What benefit is this bitterness and anger bringing to your life? You can’t change what has passed and by choosing to dwell on actions that have already happened and can’t be changed, you are trapping yourself mentally in a state of victimhood that is preventing you from moving forward.

I am sorry this happened to you and your husband. It is galling. That is true. It is totally normal and understandable to feel cheated out of money you feel you should have had, that would have made your life much easier. Your feelings are totally valid. However they are destroying your ability to find happiness in your life and so you owe it to yourself to find a way to process them healthily so that you can move forward.

Speak to your Employee Assistance Programme counsellors, or call the Samaritans and get it all out to a stranger on the phone. Go for a long walk to somewhere remote and have a good scream and cry into the wind. You have been dealt a rough hand and you need to be able to have an outlet for your feelings and some support for processing and reframing your thoughts so that you can find peace with your situation.

And then you need to start empowering yourself. You want a better quality of life? You want more money? Then make a plan to get there. What will it take, what will you need to do to achieve it, what help will you need and what can you do yourself. Write it all down and then get moving. You do have the power to change your life for the better. At the moment you are so focused on what has been done to you that you have become passive - you need to get active. You can move somewhere cheaper. You can work somewhere that pays better. You can apply for benefits. You can ask friends and community members for help with DIY and donating household goods/labour/clothes. You can take back control but first of all you have to find peace and acceptance. Every post you have written is so angry and defensive that it’s clear you are being eaten up inside by your bitterness and without dealing with that, you will struggle to move forward.

This is why you need wills.

It’s a sad and horrible story and I really feel for you. I know it’s be consumed with anger too. I hope you start to look after yourself better soon. You could buy a cost on a charity shop for a couple of quid or you could fix the zoo yourself. You could scrape off the laminate and paint it ?

Hello OP - I'm sorry things are so hard.

Do you have issues with executive function; are you neurodivergent? I've just claimed Access to Work (coaching and assistive software) which is really helping. This thread has prompted me to think about DLA for my neurodivergent children - so you have helped me, and many others by being so open.

Please, please think about paying into your pension again - it's a necessity. People have suggested some good ideas for saving money elsewhere (like your food budget) to free up cash for necessities.

Something I have really valued the past couple of years is www.everything5pounds.com. My work boots this year pass as leather (!) and look smart enough. I found a good work dress, a Zara top, and an excellent eye-liner for very little.

Take a look at the coats - most will not be suitable at all, but some look great. This website is a way of dealing with industry overproduction and the clothes are often of excellent quality.

I'm public sector and our mortgage and fuel bills have gone up by £800 a month. We're eating a lot of baked potato and economy beans. Things that have helped my mood and wellbeing include Vitamin D and HRT - my joints are a lot better.

I hope this thread has been cathartic. Keep going!

OP you are responsible for your own life. You weren't owed an inheritance no matter what you think or how angry you are about it. Sort your mess out. Get a second job at weekends so you can buy a new coat. Buy from Vinted. Take on the suggestions made on here. Or don't, and carry on being angry. The choice is yours.

You clearly are very angry @StillAtDusk and I'm not sure this thread is helpful to you.

Check your Trust's Wellbeing policies, my current (and previous) ones give access to free counselling. I know you clearly think the money would be more helpful, but counselling would help you deal with your feelings around the shitty deck you've been dealt.

Eta, church local to us has a clothing bank. It's free. Check out churches local to you and get yourself a new coat.

@chopc I think we cross posted - basically both saying the same thing. This though: "You should never rely on inheritance" Is technically true (and good advice) but really awkward at the moment because of the way the housing market is skewed and just house prices overall. Increasingly the biggest impact on peoples lives isn't their own job/education levels/ambition but whether or not their own parents were able (or willing) to help them on the housing ladder. Out of all of my friends (millennials) I don't know anyone else who was able to buy a house without some help from their parents. Its created a really big divide between the haves and have nots and I don't think its at all good for society.

I don’t think you have anything to lose by writing to your dad and saying ‘dad, granny asked you to look after me financially and that has not happened. I am very hurt about this, it’s the reason I backed away from you. You are a grandfather now. I’m trying to make peace with what happened.
Do you think there is any way to put this right again?
From me’

Then it’s gone. Get rid of it.

Also, can you think of something to be grateful for?

The grateful part of your brain is the same area as your anxiety part, so if you are being grateful, that part is to busy to do anything else!!

I understand why you are hurt, your father has let you down badly but you can still have a good ending. Good luck x

Yeah, it sucks. There's plenty to be bitter about.

However, what's the point? Who suffers your anger and resentment? What do you gain from it? A good aul rant every now and then is fine but the rest of the time, count your blessings and get on with it. Appreciate that you have a home, a family to love and work that you enjoy. Take people's advice here and investigate benefits. Get on to YouTube and get inspired by the many DIY Queens on there. Get a new tub on Marketplace, get new tiles, an oven and anything else you need. (I got a whole, new kitchen for 500 euro, including appliances, so it really is possible.) If you really can't do it yourself, get all the bits anyway and then look for a handyman and have fun negotiating him down.

It's Spring. The days are getting longer and soon there will be beautiful flowers everywhere. Its good to be alive and great to be healthy. Don't miss out on that.

I never knew that, about it being the same part of the brain. Guess it makes sense when counsellors suggest practicing gratitude/gratitude journaling. Thanks.

Hi OP- My first suggestion is therapy- I think despite upset about the money you likely have other underlying resentments- this can be arranged through work NHS and is free and imo quicker.

next you and your dh are NHS professionals so I will take a guess either band 5 or B6? You could join bank take extra shifts or I would suggest creating your own limited company and work agency shifts- it’s very lucrative

without seeing your financial numbers it’s difficult for people to help however like others have said I would suggest a move possibly north fresh start, likely get bigger house/ better quality of living.

its hard when you feel like this and everything seems impossible but there are things you can do, definitely apply DLA can definitely get it if children are mainstream it’s about extra needs more than just diagnosis so how much extra help they need- really think on this as it’s easy to overlook how much support you might give and not realise it.

i wish you all the best, but things aren’t hopeless you both have good earning potential it’s just circumstances at present

I can totally understand why you feel so angry but you need to let this go. It is essential for your future well being.

CBT counselling could help with this and you may be able to get this through your GP or through your workplace if they are a big organisation. If that's not possible,, I suggest you read some books about stoicism ( there are lots of good books on the subject atm) - reading about this may help you accept the difference between what you can control and what you cannot.

From a practical point of view, go to places like FB market place and gumtree. I use Freecycle a lot - where I live there are some great things to be had on there so its worth checking it out.
You don't mention if you have debts or not but if you do have debt then speak to StepChange. They are a fantastic organisation who will look at your outgoings and work on ways to reduce these.
Finally go to Citizens advice and see if you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

Hi OP, I feel for you. I can understand your frustration about the inheritance- it must be like a kick in the teeth. I think people are piling on because you do seem incredibly skint for 2 working, educated professionals. But COL has been a killer and it sounds like your family are the biggest victims if you both work in the public sector.

When your Dad was in the picture was he a nice man? Do you think he genuinely loved you and feels remorse about the money? If you were my family I think you just need a cash injection to get back on your feet, whether it’s to fix the car or get new carpets and the bath fixed. I would write a very candid letter to your Dad, explaining everything and how hard things are for you. Explain you never thought after uni, training etc you’d end up so poor. I know it seems like a begging letter (it is!) but what have you got to lose? You don’t speak anyway. I appreciate you have your self respect but I don’t see how you’re going to get out of this situation (aside from a lottery win). I would say ‘granny always promised me a quarter of the house, I appreciate that money is long gone and I don’t need anywhere near that amount, but I need a few thousand to get the car repaired, a bath and new carpets. You must understand how hard this is for me to write? In an ideal world I’d love you to have a relationship with your DGC, but we may be too far down the road for that’

I genuinely think it’s your only option, I feel sorry for you and you’re a stranger online, fucking hell, if you were my daughter I’d feel terrible and give you 5 grand just to ease my conscience.

So very sorry to hear about your circumstances OP. I hope you manage to sort something out.
As a side-note … PEOPLE MUST MAKE WILLS THAT CORRESPOND WITH THEIR WISHES ! I see this happen all the time , people ‘trusting’ others to carry out the wishes of the deceased - but it’s not written down. If it’s not written down , it’s not happening! You need to write a Will and then there is no questions and people can’t step in and claim it all for themselves! Please , please write a will. For any money , property , jewellery , cars …. Anything you own of any value (financial or sentimental). You can’t trust anyone to see your wishes through … only you can do that. Only YOU can protect your children , your grandchildren , your spouse ! Arrrrggghhh ….. just make a will ! …. Thank you for attending me ted talk 😂

So what have these things taught you OP?
To make a will and life insurance. Plan for your kids and makesure they look after their savings.
You can only control what you do not the people around you. Being angry will make you Ill and bitter.
I don’t know what steps you’ve taken to manage your money. Have you looked to see if you qualify for extra benefits ie UC, childcare allowance. Have you micro examined your bank account to see if you are unnecessarily paying DD on forgotten or unwanted things ? Looked at your media package and cut things off you don’t use.
We changed our lightbulbs to energy saving ones and it was over £100 a year saving.
Sometimes we can’t magically conjure more money but we can recover what’s already in the pot x x

Oh look! It's another of the not so controversial, yet not innocent posts with "I will not give all info, but get shitty with posters giving advice or asking for that info" new username posts🙄

I work full time on a reasonably good salary (single mother though so its only one income) and for years and years was stuck in shitty rented accommodation paying rent to pay of my landlords mortgage

but how do you understand it? This isn’t a one person family. It is two adults on what the op says are top tier nhs salaries, with no child care costs, on a low interest mortgage they will have passed affordability checks for, who can’t afford to repair their home, spend all their money every month, can’t even afford a few quid for a second hand coat, don’t have any treats and can’t even afford to contribute to their pensions, and have no childcare costs.

they must have 4 -5 k coming in each month after tax. What are they spending it all on to be so poor.

Life is really hard at the moment, taking any inheritance out of the picture.

Personally if I end up in a new relationship, my children will always be at the top of the totem pole with a relationship property agreement to reflect this. But it’s very easy not to think about this if you are not on to relationship number 2.