To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

@StillAtDusk
I can understand why you feel like you feel, but with kindness, you have to let the inheritance shit shows go.
They are serving you no purpose other than to be bitter. From what you have said, you have no legal claim on the money due to the fecklessness of your relatives - who you have /had no control over.

You need to focus on what you can control.

There are thousands of people on here who have all or some of the following
work in the NHS,
live in the south,
have SEN DC
Having financial issues.......

If you would like help /suggestions please share non-outing information so we can be more specific with pointers:
Which band are you on?
Which NHS department /sector do you work in?
Town / area you live in
Approx monthly household income?

I have always found the Mumsnet hive mind very useful in these kind of scenarios.

Good luck OP x

Did your DF pay rent to his GF or were the house improvements his contribution? Interesting as well that you dismiss her as just a GF, surely after 30 years she’s your DF’s partner. I’m guessing there’s more backstory to this and some deliberate decisions have actually been made.

edited for typo

My child is in main stream school. I work at the top of my profession pay scale (50k) and my child gets DLA. It’s not means tested because it’s not for you, it’s for your child.

Every child I know who qualifies (professionally and through friends) is at main stream school.

You CAN apply for DLA. The social worker included in our EHCP told me to do it. My children are at mainstream.

I understand your children not being able to do breakfast and after school clubs...it was very, very dysregulating to mine right from the very start. I only needed to use it three times a week (morning&afternoon) but not on consecutive days and my autistic child could not cope with the lack or routine and predictability at all meaning we had huge meltdowns to cope with at home, which pushed us to the very edge. I have hugely curtailed my working hours in order to work within school hours and not use any wrap around care at all.

I understand.

I also think you need to work on your anger and accept what is. Focus now on your savings, future, pensions, home & beautiful family.

I understand your feelings OP I used to feel the same - I was disinherited and everything went to my siblings (DF died a long time ago and narc DM abused me and siblings joiner in as they were scared to not do what she said the day I went NC with them all they acted like I’d died anything of mine they had was burnt and I was written out of her will she even stopped sending my dc bday gifts etc)

Ive lost out on a life changing amount but I didn’t even contest the will as it would have given them satisfaction. I figured I never had that money before and was ok so not having it now isn’t lowering my quality of life it just stays the same and I’m ok with that.

And if you work for the NHS and live in the most expensive corner of the country. Perhaps look ti relocate? Overseas or elsewhere? You have no meaningful family ties and sound desperately unhappy. I would start looking to change my life wholesale if I was feeling as sad as you..

MN is a strange place full of people with six figure salaries or married to men with six figure salaries, kids at private schools, extremely middle class lifestyles and yet goes bonkers at an inheritance thread.

I'm sorry this has all happened to you. I can believe your father did that; even if he wasn't worried about your inheritance, it's such a stupid thing to do. And of course it would be different if there had never been any money there at all.

Too many people don't make wills and marry without securing their children's inheritance. Honestly, this is why I'll never marry again, come what may.

Maybe this will prompt some posters to secure their children's inheritance.

I would be angry too about the callous disregard your and DH's parents had for their children by not properly supporting or safeguarding inheritance money for you. But I do agree with others that really that is a separate issue as none of us are ever guaranteed and inheritance. I'd try to find a way to work through that anger - a letter to your DF that you burn for example (is he dead or alive, if alive maybe have a conversation?).

On your financial issues, depending on your jobs can one or both of you do some private consulting work in your spare time? My friend was a dietician in a hospital and set herself up as a private practicing dietician in the evenings and weekends. Even if you did this just for a little bit to earn some extra money it could help, though obviously it is challenging when you have small DC at home. Re the bath could you not just rip it out yourselves and do the tiling etc? There's lots of good advice on YouTube about how to do these kind of DIY jobs and I'm led to believe that baths are quite easy. Then you just have to pay for the cost of materials (new bath and new tiles).

You need to make your own way in the world, not rely on others. You can be as bitter as you like but ultimately your own choices are also responsible for this - why did you have two children if you’re so poor? You need to take some personal responsibility, instead of wasting your time and energy crying that you didn’t get a handout of money that was never yours anyway!

OP,

Echoing others, you can indeed apply for DLA for both DC. It's quite a long form, so get cracking and the wait is something like 26 weeks in our area- it's not a quick solution but it is something for your future.

The home improvement stuff- it's so depressing when things are in a state of disrepair. Freecyle and such places do have weird and wonderful freebies that you could maybe turn into something useful as a temporary measure?

Also regarding your coat- on local fb pages people can post anonymously- and do- if you were to put something like
'In need of women's size X winter coat' I'm sure they'll be responses like 'just about to donate this to the charity shop if you're interested' etc- people definitely see it as a helpful way to recycle rather than anything shaming.

If there's any free talking services near you or low cost counselling, it might really help for you to talk these issues through with someone completely objective and see what you can do to move forwards so you can pour your energy into the things that you want to focus on, not be so consumed by the dreadful stuff that has occurred.

I'm sorry, it all sounds very hard.

My friend claims DLA for her daughter who attends Grammar school with my DS.

Try this charity for NHS workers:
https://healthcareworkersfoundation.org/financial-support/#:~:text=At%20the%20Healthcare%20Workers'%20Foundation,is%20available%20in%20your%20area.

What a silly post. Of course mn is not full of folks like that, any thread on income or housing or col proves that. If anything it’s mainly middle to low income.

and the op says they are top of their pay brackets. But she’s so poor she can’t afford a second hand coat, and lives frugally. Her home in disrepair. No savings, just getting to the end of the month. No after school care, no nursery fees, So people are trying to understand how this is feasible, as they have low interest rate mortgage and must have passed affordability checks to get it.

@StillAtDusk DLA isn’t a benefit as such (as in one that only people on a low income get). If the person who reviews the paper work etc decides you/your child needs it, you get it regardless of your wage. You can earn 10 million a year and still be entitled to it.

Inheritance posts on MN have definitely made me realise the importance of wills. I wish there was more public awareness. So many people cause issues for others needlessly. In some cases it’s because they don’t want to plan for their death usually because of some superstition but in your gran’s case she openly spoke about it so I don’t understand why people don’t put their wishes down in a will. Though like others say, what is done is done and no good comes from dwelling on it and feeling bitter.

There will be steps you can take to improve the situation you describe but it depends what you’re willing to do. The house you described could be bought in some areas in the country for under 200k but I’m guessing it’s substantially more where you are.

OP it sounds to me like yo should do the following:

1. let go of that anger and resentment about inheritances. That's gone and past recall. Does your job come with a EAP? If so try to use it to access some talking therapy to help you process this and let it go. I'd probably also talk about your struggles with your kids, because parenting SEN kids is hard and upsetting sometimes (hell parenting neuro typical kids is, without any of the additional challenges).

2. if you are a nurse or a doctor (I'm guessing as NHS, uni-trained), see if you can go private/locum. As I understand it the money is better and you can pick your own hours. You may still feel some loyalty to the service but it's utterly fucked at this point, the Tories fucked it and you can't fix it and this is your one life, yours and your family's. Don't sacrifice that for a principle.

3. Failing that, as NHS staff, could you and your DH transfer your jobs to a less expensive part of the country, even buy outright with your equity so the worry of a mortgage is gone? A family member of mine moved from Chatham and s failing huge mortgage to Country Durham and bought a decent size ouse for less than £30k - it was about 8 years ago but still you csn get a lot more for your money some places. You could base your search on areas with particularly good SEN support in schools so improve life for your kids at the same time.

4. Stop being so angry. With your Dad, your DH's dad, everyone on this thread trying to unpick your financial problems to help you solve them. I mean you may think we know nothing, but you E already learned your kids may be entitled to DLA, you may be entitled to some carers allowance - potentially fruitful avenues to pursue. So maybe lower your rage level a bit and look at your problems more neutrally, as problems to be solved not injustices to rage against.

I'm sorry your dads both shafted their kids in favour of the new bit of stuff. It's so common. Make sure you insure yourself and your kids against your husband doing the same. Men can be so shite.

Of course mn is not full of folks like that

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thanks, I needed that.

Im married, my husband and I both work AND we receive DLA for our child, who goes to a mainstream school and can walk etc.

Get some forms.

I'm not going to be angry for not getting my hands on other people's money.

DLA - it absolutely DOES apply to children in mainstream school. Both of my children get it and you would never know just from looking at them. They need to need more care than the average child their age. If school have paperwork or they have a diagnosis then you send that too.
My daughter has dyspraxia and a learning difficulty and my son has emotional trauma. Both receive it. People would be shocked to hear it. I never thought we would get it because the way they were was my reality? But I hadn't realised how severe they were.
Apply!!!!!!!!!!! It will take months to get a decision but do it!

Op would, likely, feel that the missing inheritance from her gran, wasn’t such a big deal if her own finances were ok. Her dh was never entitled to his father’s money. So it’s not really relevant.

People are asking about her finances because that’s the only thing that can change the situation.

Op And her husband is bringing in at least 4k a month, possibly more. Has a small house on a fixed rate and can’t even afford a second hand coat or some filler for the bath.

Op could also apply for dla, but clearly doesn’t want to. Op could do something to improve her situation which would probably help with the resentment.

Feeling resentful is fine. Letting it impact you to the point you are frozen in it and won’t even look at how to improve your situation (when you could) is a waste of a life. And the impact on the children involved will be huge.

Sorry OP but having read all your posts, you seem bitter and determined to blame everyone else for your own problems. How can you be struggling so much you can't afford £5 for a coat from a charity shop but you haven't even looked into benefits for your children with SEN? You're so focused on the "stolen" inheritances that you're wallowing in self-pity and not doing anything to help yourself.

Hi OP, it sounds tough right now for you. Inheritance issues blew a massive hole in my family in my grandmother's generation. I grew up listening to stories like yours. And yet my Grandmother didn't even make a will. And my mother who must have spent years if you added it up complaining about the law, didn't even register her house and so my lawyer is now working to establish I actually own her house.
People are so weird about wills.
I work in SEND in a mainstream school, the dla form isn't that long, you will need to spend some time filling it in as I find I need some time to think about what to say and how to say it. And I do this for a living. It's a well written form though.

Hello O.P,
I want to offer support to you, I am shocked at how many negative and unkind responses you have got on here. I totally get how and why yo would feel bitter. Those around you have been incredibly thoughtfless, your dad for example. Yes it is as his money etc etc but what a shame that he didn't want to help his own daughter out etc. I totally get you feeling upset. Re your grandmother, that was careless of her not to do a will etc. BUT although I completely understand and would feel the same, feeling like this will NOT help you anymore. You HAVE to let it go for your own mental health. Try practising gratitude daily and that will really help, seriously. Things like you own your own home, you have a happy marriage (if you hopefully do) your children are physically healthy (hopefully they are) you have your health etc you are fit to work etc. People say comparison is the thief of joy, however I feel when we compare ourselves to those who have a lot less it can help us to appreciate what we do have. It is truly terrible heat NHS staff earn it really is, but again sadly you and I can't control that. You should be proud that you are doing a job that makes a real difference every single day. Start to practise gratitude and it will help. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. Best wishes.

Agree with the other posters that while things have happened in your life that are unfair/frustrating (that’s life!) it’s pointless dwelling on it and it isn’t the reason for your situation now.

I fail to see how, having described your lifestyle/2 incomes, that you are unable to afford to replace a bath or buy a coffee. Something doesn’t add up.

I would advise you make an appointment with Citizen’s Advice to discuss benefits to see if you’re entitled to something that you’re not aware of.

The problem is, that OP can't see anything past her "stolen" inheritance.

Need to address why two top tier NHS professionals, with a tiny house on low mortgage rate and no childcare costs can't afford a coat? Absolutely not. Because OP should have had an inheritance to buy a coat from. Never mind she inexplicably can't cover her own running costs, that's not important at all.

Need to claim DLA for two children? No! Why should OP even have to look at this, she wouldn't have to claim anything if she had the long gone inheritance.

Double blue light discounts from her and DH? Grants for NHS workers? Buying a new bath for a pittance from FB for sale? Not even researched, oblivious, all her time must go on seething at a long ago lost inheritance.

OP has missed thousands upon thousands of pounds, because she's dedicated her life to blaming others and her circumstances for her "downfall".

She's glossed over multiple posts about how their combined salaries and low mortgage on a tiny house, and no childcare costs does not ring true that they can't afford one new coat between them. If you ask why this is, she refuses to answer.

It's the probable explanation that OP has been living at the very edge/beyond her means: over borrowed when borrowing was cheap, allowed no wiggle room if things changed, and guess what things have changed. There's got to be some big debt or something, somewhere, her finances don't add up and she shouts at anyone who calls this out.

But rather than take responsibility that she/DH have made choices that have put them in this position, she's absolved herself of any accountability for being in this mess, absolved herself of any requirement to find a solution.... it's all her nans/her dad's/her DH's dad's/the NHS pay scheme's fault and she is apparently just a passenger in her own life.

(Awaiting OP denying all this, angrily, because she once used a blue light discount, so that covers everything...)