To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

I agree. Your GM should have left a will, what was she thinking? However, she didn't and there is nothing you can do. People should not sit around waiting to inherit money from others and someone can promise all they like, if it's not written down it very likely won't happen. Dwelling on this is not going to do you any good, you have to concentrate on your own finances and let this go.

I don't even own a house, and never will - it's just the way things have turned out - so you are already doing better than I am.

Having read through all your posts now OP I've actually lost any sympathy I had for you. You are not coming across well at all, and if you want more money then you and/or your DH will have to get out there and find better paying jobs instead of whining about lost money which was never yours to begin with.

Also the mobility element of DLA is not just for people who have physical mobility difficulties. If your child has meltdowns and cannot safely walk at times, cannot use public transport due to sensory issues or refuses to walk anywhere they don't want to go but needs to regularly, those are mobility needs.

I have read your original post several times and many of the btl comments. It seems that you are feeling very overwhelmed by 2 separate issues: the historic failures of others to help and protect you and your present financial difficulties. Posting on MN will not necessarily give you the answers, in part because you havent really set out your present income vs liabilities, and therefore everything others post is really a speculation. Please dont add to your anger by being hacked off with other people’s suggestions or opinions. MN most of the time is a forum where people do try and look for solutions, and without any concrete information to hand, it is very difficult to know if there is any wiggle room to improve your present situation. You dont mention your husband’s views re the present financial crisis, are you able to sit down with him and construct a budget and find some common ground? You need to be able to find some solutions and have some control over your present circumstances. Walking around for 3 months with a damaged coat, is a symptom of more than just a lack of money, it suggests that you are very stuck in trying to find some basic solutions to making life more bearable. Try and sit down with your husband and work out where your money goes, and then at least you will have a greater understanding of how your finances work. You say that you do not contribute to a pension, I don't know what age you are, but this is not a strategy which will help you in the long term, and will only add to your sense of financial chaos and resentment, somewhere along the line you have lost control of what is happening. Re the past, I sense that you feel a great anger and distress about others failing to cherish and protect you. Sometimes these type of feelings spill over into the present and make a person feel very powerless. Your anger about your father, your parents separation, your grandmother, the choices made by your in-laws, your mother’s circumstances etc etc are occupying and influencing a good deal of your present, and to what purpose? The past cannot be changed, and some of this past is [Im speculating now] a very long time ago, so why have you not been able to consign it to the past? Why are you so unreconciled to what happened 10/15/20 years ago, and has the past made you feel that things ‘happen to you’ rather than you being able to have control of life events? It cant be easy struggling on a daily basis, feeling powerless about the present and deeply hurt and resentful of the past, but something has to change otherwise you will be consumed by negativity and that sense of powerlessness can make change seem impossible, it starts with small steps because the change that will make the biggest difference is feeling that you have some control over your life and that you have achieved something. You have a partner, he should not be passive in all this, you need to sit down and talk about your feelings and try and emotionally support one another. You have one another, your Mum didnt have that, You have 2 children to love and cherish. You have been educated and have a career, it doesnt pay as well as you would like, but you have achieved something, and you should be proud of your successes. You have a home, and its been a struggle but you have a home, and its where you love and nurture your own family. Remember that, this is your place, not your grandmothers home, your fathers home or anybody else’s love nest, this is your place and in time you will improve it and make it better. You have your health [albeit that your mental health is being compromised by feelings of deep unhappiness] but you are going to work to improve your mental health, by taking charge of what YOU HAVE. All change starts with small consistently implemented steps. Comparison is the thief of joy, but only when the comparison is of something unattainable. It is important to think of how much you have compared to others, compared to those who are desperately alone and unloved. Those who have no financial security or work. Those who would give anything to have a child and know the profound love of motherhood. Those who are living in abusive marriages, those who have been the victims of sexual abuse. Those without good health living alone. You haven't failed, you are struggling through a difficult time, if you can consign the past to the past that will be a considerable benefit to you and give you the space to focus on the future.

The Op sounds completely ground down by her living situation. People do realise the stress and expense of having children with SEN.

OP please look into claiming DLA for both your children. It’s not means tested and many people I know who have children with SEN claim it. It’s for care and mobility needs above what you would normally give a child of that ages. When you get the form I would suggest you ask someone at citizens advise or SEN charity to help you complete it. Often Parent with SEN children don’t often recognise all the additional care they give their children as they do it every day.

Sorry you’re in this situation. Sounds rubbish.

As for the immediate practical side of things here’s a couple of suggestions.

I got my bath for zero pounds from FB Marketplace. People give this stuff away for buttons all the time. Get one, get it in. Tiles don’t have to cost the earth and you could try and DIY those (Yourube videos are your friend!)

Take a hairdryer to your kitchen cupboards. The laminate will lift off no problem with the heat) again, you can find this on Yoitube, get a good undercoat and paint them. The hinges could be trickier - it sounds like you might need some filler for the holes. I did my old manky kitchen this way and looked amazing afterwards.

I promise that if you take control of the situation you’ll feel better and empowered.

“If you don't like how the table is set, turn over the table.”

I meant don’t realise not do realise!

Please pay into your pension. It is usually deducted pre tax so, you will pay less tax on your income and it will offset the pension contributions.

the NHS pension is gold plated and acts about a 30% salary top up that you are missing out on.

Look to moving out of the SE OP, things will be more manageable in the Midlands or up North.

The inheritance thing is shit and highlights the importance of leaving a will. Both your fathers have screwed you over in that sense.

Absolutely this. Your choice is obvious, live in the SE or have the quality of life you want. As someone who doesn't live in the SE (yet somehow still manages to be in a semi rural area with easy access to a major city where I work) I can't get my head around why so many people make paupers of themselves to live there. If you have strong family ties and support network I can see leaving would be harder, but otherwise, I genuinely don't see what keeps you there. Because if you can't afford to go anywhere or participate in anything and are trapped in a tiny home, you're getting none of the perceived benefits anyway.

Get financial advice, try shopping cheaper and cutting out things not needed. You can sort it. Clothes swaps and charity shops will help save some money. You need to get advice and start implementing a plan.

Two professional wages and you are at the top of the pay spine and completely broke

I can completely understand OP feeling rage and bitterness on the inheritance issue. She and her DH have been treated terribly.

But even if they are "just" Band 5s on a combined 80 hours per week, they should have a household income of around 70K. There aren't any professional roles in the NHS on a lower band.

There isn't anyone on this income level who can't afford a new winter coat or do any activities that cost money with their children, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances. So there must be something else going on here.

Have you checked if you’re entitled to any tax credits or working tax credits. Go on entitled to website and put all your details in. DLA now PIP is not means tested - it’s an independent benefit which means it doesn’t matter how much you earn. If you have a local welfare rights team or some community resource that can help you with the form as it’s a skill to complete. Sounds tough 🌺

This sort of thing tends to bring out the ‘holier than thou’ side of mumsnet. I’m not sure why but I think it’s something to do with people being unable to truly sympathise when someone is so angry (unless it’s at an ex partner). I get it though. You’re hurt. This anger is an expression of how gutted you are, how sad that the love your grand mother showed you wasn’t enough to help you, wasn’t respected by your own father and how powerless you are to do anything about it, and perhaps also a sadness about how little your father cared about you? Why did he choose to spend the money away (on anyone) when it wasn’t his mothers wish rather than show some care for you and your children? And a lot of grief. You lost a lot of family members there in quick succession and on top of that you’re struggling to do your best in life but can’t seem to get anywhere. I hear you.

it’s like the rug has been pulled from under us…everyone, everything around us as we grew up said: ‘go to uni’, ‘work hard’, ‘do something meaningful’, ‘follow your passion’, ‘use your talents’ also ‘it’s a vocation, don’t expect more money’, then ‘have children’ and ‘be a good mother’, also ‘be around for your children’ and now ‘if you’re going to complain about money stick them in wraparound care’ then ‘they have SEN? Well, your fault, why did you have more than one?’ These are not my opinions by the way just a summary of what I see as the attitudes you’re up against.

I totally get it. You feel completely and utterly screwed over. By everyone. And the one person who seems to have loved you is gone. That’s the only thing in what you’ve said that I will try to encourage you to reframe and that’s your anger towards your grandmother. Feel it, feel it, write it down, go to her grave and tell her but then let it go. Because you loved her too and this will affect all your memories of her. You can only do your best with the information you have at the time. She trusted your father and didn’t make a will. You didn’t know you could get a solicitor to contest proceedings. It’s because nobody talks about these things because British society is weird about inheritances - which for many people are worth so much more now than they used to be because house prices are insane. (I won’t inherit anything so feel able to say this). I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry the Tories trashed everything and that the NHS is a mess. I hear you.

I haven’t read the thread through so sorry if this has been mentioned but you may well be entitled to DLA.

It’s not based on whether your children attend mainstream or special provision schooling and it’s not means tested. It’s based purely on need and whether you can back the needs up with evidence.

I have two children with SEN and they both receive it. Both are currently in mainstream school however one will almost certainly be moved to a specialist unit before long.

It’s a great help and citizens advice can help you fill in the forms. I hope things improve for you op.

OP kindly please please use a benefits calculator like Turn 2 Us. It's really quick and straightforward.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Did you know that most people on universal credit are working? It's the press that lies about benefit scroungers. In fact many people are entitled to benefits who aren't claiming, sounds like you are one of them.

I know you said earlier that your salaries aren't our business as it's a public forum but if you give a complete breakdown of income and outgoings it might help?

The problem is not the inheritance you didn’t get. The problem is that salaries in the UK are shite. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

OP it is worth applying for DLA anyway. I have a SEN child in mainstream school and if anything, we expected the lowest amount or nothing. We got the medium amount and get £270ish every 4 weeks, which helps immensely.

@StillAtDusk are you willing to say what you and your DH’s NHS roles are?

Hi OP, I’ve just looked back and seen all the kind sensible heads of the morning have posted some great advice. Hope you can claim DLA and start to feel less stuck. Try your local SENDIASS too.

I don’t think that you’re wrong to feel bitter about the inheritance, but I think that bitterness is stopping you actively improving your situation.

I mean this gently but I think that if you try and focus on “how can I improve my situation “ and not on “cross about the inheritance “ things will start to fall into place.

As an example, DLA comes in different levels for different care needs. It’s not means tested so doesn’t make a difference how much you work. It is absolutely available for children in mainstream schools - I know because I claim it for my mainstream-schooled child with adhd. So if you focus on this and do a good application for each child you will likely be awarded something. When it gets paid you get an initial lump sum which you could use to repair the bath.

In your position I would also think seriously together about jobs. Can your husband work out a way to earn more even if childcare then falls more on you? Alternatively can he flex his hours so that you can find a full time job starting earlier in the morning so that you’re still available for pickup? Can either of you pick up some weekend overtime once a month to build savings? Can he look at private work?

Having just joined the thread all your posts do indeed sound increasingly angry and bitter.

You must surely see why people are surprised that two people in professional roles are struggling so much when many people who earn less than you do somehow manage.

I won't even go into inheritance other than 2 other family members made poor financial choices and that is what it is. It seems that if on two professional salaries with pay freezes or not perhaps you aren't too good with finance either. I assume you either didn't work whe kids were too young to be at school or had childcare costs in which case you should be better off now.

If you don't qualify for benefits you must be earning well enough to be over the limit that needs them.

Get a vinyl bath for the time being. You seem to have plenty of reasons why it's No No No. But you can make some of these things into yeses. You really can.

Ignore all the people criticising your budgeting skills OP. They clearly don't understand what things cost these days. Those with older mortgages or no mortgage can't relate. Those who got a foot up on the property ladder themselves often forget that when critising others for not managing as well as they have

That said OP you have to let it go. The inheritance is gone and you can't let that affect you forever.

There were no wills!