AIBU about my 9 year old's clothes

[PTAProblems]

DD aged 9 has always been very faddy with clothes - all sparkly, then all green, then all black, etc. We've always gone with this because we could always find a suitable outfit within her fad for wherever we were going. Playing out, nice meal, day out, etc. Her latest fad is football kits with zip up jackets. She wears these whenever she isn't in school, fine as she is comfortable. The problem is if we are going somewhere nice (a restaurant for example) where it's not suitable for her to wear this. For reference, I have a son and wouldn't let him wear a football kit a sports jacket to a restaurant either so it's not a matter of me wanting her to wear a pretty dress because she's a girl. I've been looking for clothes for her today as she's grown recently and none of her clothes fit her. I wanted to buy her a set with leggings and an oversized shirt so it's still comfortable but looks a bit smarter for the times she'd need this. She is saying she will refuse to wear it and only wants football kits. We are going for a family meal for a big birthday next week and a football kit won't be suitable. I don't want to force her to wear clothes she is uncomfortable in, however I am not happy taking her to a lovely restaurant in a football kit. Does anyone have any experience of this with their own kids and any advice on how best to handle this without squashing her style?

Football kit under something.

Step up and parent the child and tell her that as much as she'd love to wear her Footie kit, it's not happening.

Let her wear her football kit anyway. Who cares?

She's 9 let her wear a football shirt. She has to learn to dress for herself not others. Otherwise she will end up looking like every single teenager in out town. Girls have long straight hair wear crop tops under black jackets and either joggers or jeans....no single spark of self expression of originality. Boys curly hair on top short at the sides, joggers and tops under black jackets. All jackets must be puffer! Let her express who she is when she still feels she can

Can you get her to compromise by allowing her to wear a football top underneath a nice baggy shirt or similar?

I hate to say it, but there comes a point where kids have to realise that sometimes you need to dress for an occasion; and the parents need to stand firm on this. I'm not saying that you can't compromise, but sometimes kids need to be told, not asked. Unless it's a sensory issue, of course but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

Nope. She can wear what she wants when it's suitable.

She can wear what she wants during a family meal out/other occasion; as long as it's something suitable. You wouldn't allow her to turn up to a wedding in a football shirt, for instance. And many restaurants would even allow football shirts.

I think maybe really posh restaurants in hotels, Michelin stars, Mayfair etc would be having a dress code. In this case I guess everyone would abide, but a nice normal restaurant that's child friendly surely wouldn't have an issue? Has anyone ever said she couldn't wear this? When they say no football kits/ colours it's more aimed at deterring big groups of rowdy/drunk men from pubs/ on match days I'd imagine. So let her get on with it I reckon, as you said, It'll be a new fad soon enough.

I care, her Dad cares. In one breath you're saying parent the child, in the next let her wear it.
She is my eldest and I want to handle this as best as I can.

Just tell her on this occasion she can't wear her football kit for a few hours.
She's 9 and on occasions like this mum knows best.

Sit her down. Explain there's a need to wear something smarter, describe a few options that would be suitable, then taje her shopping and give her as much choice as possible within the range of whats suitable.

You are already really accomodating of her personal style when its acceptable. Children have to learn what's appropriate to wear for different occasions.

I like the idea of letting her wear the top under something else. I feel she is old enough to start to understand some social norms and expectations. it is a very nice restaurant we're going to. Not especially child friendly and not somewhere we'd normally choose but it is for an elderly relative's special birthday.

I don't want her to be an identikit kid at all, hence me always letting her express herself with her fads even when I hate them. All her friends wear crop tops and she doesn't like them.

I'm trying to handle this fad in a way where she understands what is suitable for occasions without squashing her individuality.

personally this would fall into the pick your battles zone for me. Explain to her what the occasion is and what everyone else will be wearing and then let her decide for herself.

making it into a battle ground is only going to spoil the event for everyone.

Either she wears what us appropriate for the occasion or she doesn't go.

I'd usually go down this route but our usual babysitters will be there too and neither DH or I want to miss it.

I’m really surprised some posters are saying kids should be allowed to wear what they want when they want. Is there no parenting anymore?!
A football kit isn’t appropriate for a boy or a girl in a nice restaurant.

She has to understand that there are places you can't just do as you like.

As an adult I don't think any of my work wear is really what I want to wear, but there is a dress code so I compromise.

There are times to express your individuality and times you can't such as showing respect for an elderly relative at their special party. At 9 she's old enough to understand this and wear something appropriate for a few hours.

I have a 9 year old daughter.

i wonder if it’s more about feeling “heard”? My daughter has a real thing about this just now. She needs more autonomy and independence over her own existence right now, needs to feel a little bit in control and that her opinion matters. It’s not easy going right now.

to be honest I’d probably put my foot down. I’d explain that it’s not appropriate to wear a football kit in certain circumstances, but I would give her some options/say in terms of what she can wear to the event instead.

Could you explain what the parameters are for appropriate clothing, then give her free range to choose within them. Possibly with limitations, like has to pick from X shop/website.

My youngest two are 9 and football daft. They know absolutely that football tops are not appropriate for going out to dinner, parties (unless football based) or school, that includes their local teams kit, otherwise they can wear them whenever they like.

I'd be firm on this one. Especially if you live in an area that can have trouble around football.

My DD is 9 too - thankfully isn't bothered about fashion yet; but has decided she doesn't want to wear dresses atm - after only wanting to wear dresses!
Anyway, if we're off out somewhere like you describe she knows she needs to wear something appropriate - so a dress or smart top/trousers/skirt.
I'd take your DD shopping & see what you can find - but good luck! Took DD to New Look & H&M on Saturday & it's was all just crop tops, joggers, puffers, hoodies in basically black, white or cream! It's was so depressing. DD hated it all as did I.

I went through similar with my eldest DD when she was in her sportswear faze (although she wasnt as adamant about it) My compromise was a nice tracksuit (It was a Ted Baker one) with a football top underneath. Have a look for some tracksuits that aren't Nike, Adidas etc branded ones. I got a few plain and coloured ones from Next and River Island too. They look less sporty, for more formal occasions, but they can still wear footie tops under.

Tell her that unfortunately she cannot wear a football kit to the restaurant, that you understand how frustrating that is and that you also sometimes have to compromise in certain situations, that it is only a couple of hours and she can wear the football kit before and after but not for the restaurant visit. Then give her some suitable options and tell her that if she won't choose any of them you will have to choose it for her. Explain how happy it will make your elderly relative that she has made the effort to dress up for the occasion and that she can do it a a sign of respect for them or even as a birthday present. And yes, sometimes we have to consider other people's feelings and act in consideration, it is part of growing up and functioning in society.

Yep you get it.

Do you think she understands why you are asking her not to wear it?

(And for that matter, do you fully understand why you are asking her not to wear it and do you think it's reasonable?)

If you want to get her on side then you need to fully believe in what you're asking her to do, and find an age appropriate way to explain the reason to her.

The other option is to tell her what to do/ dictate to her and punish her if she doesn't comply, which isn't much fun for anyone, and she will not understand.

I have an 11 year old nephew with autism. When my wedding was coming up, he wanted to wear a hoodie with a picture of a very specific interest on it.

His mum rang me up a bit worried and asked me about it.

I said it's totally fine for him to wear whatever he wants, I just wanted him there.

In the end, she explained wedding/ special event clothing to him in a way he understood, and he decided to wear a suit.

He got totally on board with the idea in the end and looked awesome - but it really didn't matter if he was wearing a hoodie or a suit.

Does it really matter what your daughter wears?

Which team does she support? Many clubs have a kids merch range and this sometimes includes simple dresses or blingified tops aimed at girls.

Alternatively, do Adidas/Nike etc. have anything which could work?

YABU no one cares what a 9 year old wears to a restaurant. Let her be comfortable and confident, dont give her a complex about how she looks.