AIBU about my 9 year old's clothes

[PTAProblems]

DD aged 9 has always been very faddy with clothes - all sparkly, then all green, then all black, etc. We've always gone with this because we could always find a suitable outfit within her fad for wherever we were going. Playing out, nice meal, day out, etc. Her latest fad is football kits with zip up jackets. She wears these whenever she isn't in school, fine as she is comfortable. The problem is if we are going somewhere nice (a restaurant for example) where it's not suitable for her to wear this. For reference, I have a son and wouldn't let him wear a football kit a sports jacket to a restaurant either so it's not a matter of me wanting her to wear a pretty dress because she's a girl. I've been looking for clothes for her today as she's grown recently and none of her clothes fit her. I wanted to buy her a set with leggings and an oversized shirt so it's still comfortable but looks a bit smarter for the times she'd need this. She is saying she will refuse to wear it and only wants football kits. We are going for a family meal for a big birthday next week and a football kit won't be suitable. I don't want to force her to wear clothes she is uncomfortable in, however I am not happy taking her to a lovely restaurant in a football kit. Does anyone have any experience of this with their own kids and any advice on how best to handle this without squashing her style?

She's nine - more than old enough to understand that football kit isn't suitable for a nice meal in a restaurant.

I would come at it from a sympathetic angle though - say you understand how much she loves wearing X but just like she can't wear it to school, she can't wear it to the restaurant either, but she can take the jacket and wear it there/back again if she wants.

Nah, a football kit is not suitable attire for a dinner out

just say no, you are the parent

loads of dress codes specify no football attire. It’s a life lesson here. Sometimes x clothing isn’t appropriate for y place.

I went to a christening last summer where a load of older teens hadn’t learned this lesson- joggers, Nike pro short short shorts - no doubt their parents once were all ‘no one cares what kids wear!!!’

let her have at next kids or river island girl to find someone thing comfortable and cool for her. But no football tops.

God that’s awful basically emotionally blackmail her into wearing something to make someone else happy.
If elderly relative cares about the girl she will be pleased to see her whatever she is wearing.
Stop telling girls that they owe their appearance to anyone else.

Would love to know how posh the restaurant is, for context. Michelin star, the ritz? Or just a nice local place.
I can’t see the staff caring what a child is wearing as long as she’s well behaved. Which is more likely if she is comfortable and hasn’t just had a fight about her appearance/independence.

I wouldn’t let her wear a football top either. I’d tell her she can find something on Amazon or something, maybe a shirt or nice T-shirt or blouse. Sometimes you’ve got to wear stuff you might not want to

9 is more than old enough to know that choices can be offered from a range of acceptable options and that not every situation is a show up in a football kit situation.

Has she had her choices limited or guided much when she was younger. For example, at being able to pick her own clothes from a range of situation appropriate options, building to "this is the occasion so you'll need an outfit appropriate for...." ?

I'm only asking because it sounds like so far she's got used to you catering to every fad so probably has got to 9 and is surprised you're not catering to it.

Thanks to everyone who has shown support and/or given constructive ideas. I feel more confident in how to approach this with her now.

She doesn't support any team or even like football, it's just the kits she likes - any kits!

I'm off out for the evening now so won't be back to this thread. Some of these ideas have been great so thank you to those posters :)

Oh come off it. You’d get the exact same responses if a 9 year old boy wanted to wear a football strip to a fancy dinner out.

its completely appropriate to say that it is a sign of respect to dress up for an occasion where we are celebrating someone. It’s the same reason we don’t wear tracksuits and fishnet vests for weddings and why we would advise our adult sons to not wear a creased shirt and running shoes to a first date at a nice wine bar.

Yes she has been guided. I said in my OP that the other fads have had items that can fit any occasion. So the green or black fads for example, we would choose something nice from what she already had or something new with that colour in and she would be happy (and so would we).

The posters saying just let her wear what she wanted (even though it's inappropriate for the occasion). What about when she doesn't want to wear school uniform, etc. That's not how the world works and I feel she needs to express her own style within the parameters of the real world!

Yanbu, I think it’s fine for kids to understand that most of the time they get to choose exactly what they want to wear but there are some occasions where smart dress is required eg weddings, places with dress codes. I would suggest looking at websites/going shopping together for something more appropriate but she still gets to choose it herself.

It's got nothing to do with her being a girl! I said in my OP that I have a son and it wouldn't be suitable for him to wear a football kit either. What a ridiculous comment!

YANBU sometimes there are times and places where clothing matters.

DS2 wears sports clothes 99% of the time, but 1% of the time it does matter and he does need to wear something smarter.
I also have a sensory, autistic child and he knows that there are occasions where I will stipulate which t-shirts/ shorts are more appropriate than others.
I still work within their comfort zones, but life isn't free rein to wear your comfort zone for everything all the time.

There are lots of options for 9 yo girl that are smarter and comfortable without being party dresses, crop tops or sports wear.

Yes she has been guided. I said in my OP that the other fads have had items that can fit any occasion. So the green or black fads for example, we would choose something nice from what she already had or something new with that colour in and she would be happy (and so would we).

The reason I asked is that from a child's perspective is there a chance that in her eyes:
when I wanted to wear green, they bought me all the stuff for it and didn't have a problem and let me wear my thing
when I wanted to wear black, they bought me all the stuff for it and didn't have a problem and let me wear my thing
they let me wear sparkly things everywhere, and that wasn't a problem
And so on for every fad.

So now you're not able to cater to making the football fad work, she's being awkward because in her eyes she's always been catered around. Could it maybe be a good intentions backfiring situation here?

Stop telling girls that they owe their appearance to anyone else.

It's nothing to do with her being a girl - I'd say the same if OP was posting about a 9yo boy.

There's a time and a place for certain clothing and 9 is a great age to start to learn that.

How "posh" is the restaurant?
A pair of "nice" trousers or leggings with just the football top (rather than with the shorts/trackies) will look fine for a 9 year old.
It might even be a good conversation starter about favourite teams and football memories.

No. She has to learn that different social occasions require different outfits. You don’t see barristers wearing England Rugby shirts in the boardroom. I couldn’t wear Nike Air Max and sweaty Betty leggings to a client visit. My husband spends his life in golf gear, but not to a family wedding he won’t.

I would say ‘Emily, we’ve got this family do on March XXth. You can’t wear a football kit, it’s inappropriate. Let’s look online together and choose something you like, I’m not expecting you to choose a frilly dress, I respect your style, but it needs to be smarter than a football kit. Your budget is £50.’

It would be a completely different conversation if it were a boy.
The fact that she’s a girl matters because of the attitudes in this thread.

Why on earth do you care? If she is clean, dressed appropriately is just societal adult expectations that many now choose to ignore.

She is asking for football shirts not a micro mini and bra top!. I have yet to see an adult faint because a child wasn't wearing "suitable" clothes.

It doesn’t matter what you “would” tell a boy. It matters what you ARE telling a girl. Which is that her appearance matters more to you and your family than her happiness, opinions and comfort.

What would we tell a woman whose boyfriend tells her what to wear? Where would she have learnt that it’s ok to dress for someone else not herself?

@Thementalloadisreal I don't think it would be any different if it a boy. I would say pretty much the same as what I said above - a "nice" pair of trousers with a footy top would be fine for a 9 year old boy. Just maybe jeans instead of leggings if he wasn't keen on the trousers.
Basically...
Boy or Girl - a "nice" pair of trousers or leggings/jeans with the top.
Nothing wrong with that unless it's a very posh restaurant with a dress code.

But she's not a grown adult with a controlling boyfriend - she's a kid.

She wouldn't be able to wear her football kit to a wedding, a funeral or to school either. Because it's not appropriate for the occasion. Just like it's not appropriate for a nice meal to a nice restaurant.

I would say exactly the same thing about a 9yo boy. There's a time and a place for a football kit, and a nice family meal in a restaurant is not one of them.

It really won't harm her to learn that.

"What about when she doesn't want to wear school uniform, etc. That's not how the world works and I feel she needs to express her own style "

Those of us saying leave her be, we send our children to schools which have the food sense to know being comfortable is more important than what other peoples opinion on what a 9 year old chooses to wear. The world is changing. Most jobs don't require the three piece suit.

I really wouldn't give two hoots what an adult feels my children should wear. Strangely enough I would be curious how bothered they were by a child's clothes - ,that I really would judge.

I completely agree with you on a radical level. Women aren’t ornamental.

however- telling a child of any sex that sometimes we dress up to show respect the hosts or occasion is little to do with that unless you are seriously reaching.

so you believe girls shouldn’t wear school uniform?

and young women shouldn’t be subject to dress codes in the work place, or a work place uniform?

She understands she has to wear a uniform to school.

So she understands she has to wear appropriate clothing to a smart restaurant.

I get some children are fussy over clothing (my own ds is autistic and has sensory issues about clothing). So I would ensure he had something suitable but wouldn't make a fuss about a tie or shirt being tucked in.

I agree with those asking what's happened to parenting? It's perfectly acceptable to not always have to consider a child's thoughts, feelings and opinions.

If you told her you fancied going in a thong and bra only so we're going like that she'd soon tell you that wasn't acceptable