Accused of manipulation/emotional blackmail with friends

[Housebuyingfamily]

DP and i are part of a large old friendship group, a few couples have kids of a similar age. People have become scattered round the country and we’ve learnt some families in a different region meet up regularly including weekends away.

We still do social things as a bigger group like festivals but now essentially there are these "family friendship units" within the group. Although we’re not local we can travel anywhere so it frustrates me they don’t seem to want that “family friendship” level and it makes me sad for our kids.

Our eldest is just starting school and we aren’t yet at the stage of sharing holidays with other families, we don’t have family around and overall feel she is starting to miss out on experiences with family-type friends, especially with kids of similar age.

I decided i had to be more proactive with these other couples, so set up a WhatsApp group and sent some trip ideas. There was some interest and chatter but after a few days the group went silent. Eventually I guess i kind of snapped a bit and wrote something like:

"guys, I created this group to share more experiences with family friends especially with kids of a similar same age. i sort of feel stuck in our friendship patterns from 10 years ago! we’re not yet at shared holiday stage with the school parents down here and feel like DD is starting to miss out."

Now DP has told me that this amounts to manipulation or emotional blackmail! But I just wanted to be really brutally honest as an old friend, as it’s starting to really get me down. AIBU?

I can't think of anything worse than doing things with other people's kids so I would probably be thinking how the hell can I remove myself from this group...

Hmm...yeah.
It's not really up to this scattered friendship group to be mindful of your daughter or provide her with experiences though, is it?

Your Dp is right, I'd be running if my friend behaved like that.

These other couples are already spending time as families with all their kids.

I'm not dismissing your feelings here btw...but that's how that message might be received.

Sounds a bit entitled sorry. It’s like saying “I haven’t met better friends yet, so you guys need to make sure my child doesn’t miss out”.
Are you sure they are genuine friends? The fact they meet without you might say something.

Did anyone reply?

Maybe they don't want to include you for some reason? I feel like I'm being horrible but just trying to be honest, their children may not like your DD for example, hard as that is to fathom when it's your own child.

Maybe they are closer to the other friends? If you said that makes me think you have form for this sort of behaviour maybe that's why they are distant? It's still not their responsibility.
If you want to do something with them, plan it with them not hey give me ideas and then you plan it and if you don't I'll throw my toys out of the pram.

Golly. That’s intense.

guys, I created this group to share more experiences with family friends especially with kids of a similar same age. i sort of feel stuck in our friendship patterns from 10 years ago! we’re not yet at shared holiday stage with the school parents down here and feel like DD is starting to miss out

It reads like you have zero interest in meeting their kids or getting to know them and don't worry when you're at the shared holiday stage you won't need them. This is just temporary because dd is missing out. The stuck in our friendship patterns is the emotional dig.

You might have better success if you express an interest in seeing them as a family or spending time with their kids getting to know them.

I understand your frustration, but I don't think that was a great message. It comes across as the only reason you created the group was for entertainment for your DD and not because you actually want to see the adults.

That message doesn't come across well tbh.

I think you need to focus on your own family and not on what others are doing.

I do know some families that do group holidays / weekends away but they are not in the majority.

On a practical level, how realistic is it that people who don't live close to each other to all include each other in weekends away? Surely them seeing each other more as they live close by is just the natural progression of things? Not wishing to sound harsh but I think it's you who is stuck in the old ways.

Things / groups / friendships evolve as time goes on. I'd let go a little. Of course still meet up as a large group as you always have, but it's time to start creating things closer to home.

Starting school is a great way to meet some new people and build some new (local so easier) friendship groups for you and your family.

This may or may not result in friendships that end up with weekends away/ holidays or it may not. I wouldn't try and assume it will or start engineering things though.

Even as kids go through the primary system - their friendships often ebb and flow and your friendships to sone extent will be dictated by theirs.

As far as your message goes... you can't unsend it. But you have said it once. See if anything comes back from it but I would genuinely start of focusing on what's ahead.

If you were my friend I’d be really worried about you reading that. And probably try to make more effort (although I’ve never once been on a holiday with friends like that). Assuming they’re old friends I wouldn’t assume emotional blackmail, just someone at the end of their tether.

Yeah that is slightly blackmail! You can ask people if they would like to join you on x,y,z weekend away but it is up to them. Don't forget if they have things already booked in they may not have enough leave for this year or money. You might have been better of saying completely understand if you can't but maybe for next year and planned further in advance. You sound stroppy and not someone I'd want to go away with. Many of my school/uni friends id not want to go away with but happy to see every so often and catch up. People are allowed to have different views to yours.

I find your whole OP very strange. The whole not being at the stage of holidays with other families at school. This isn't really a thing for the majority of people. Most of us just do our own thing. It isn't other people's responsibility to give your kid family like experience.

Yeah that reads like I’ve no other mates so you need to all step up whether you wish to or not as think of the poor kids. Not great.

3 families full of adults and kids sounds like a nightmare. More people = bigger place / more hassle to organise / harder to enjoy as chaos.

Sorry but you can't ask your friends to invite you and entire family on holiday, especially as you seem to want it for your kids benefit rather than wanting to see your friends.

Who is ever at the stage of shared holidays with school friends? I can't think of anything worse! Days out yea but holidays?? Why are you not content with your own little family unit?

Lol. It's not that deep they aren't going to make plans because your DD is missing out.

That was a weird message and I wouldn't want to do anything with you because of it. Just enjoy the friendship for what it is or make an effort to build bonds elsewhere

I think you probably felt both brave and vulnerable by putting the WhatsApp group together and so hurt when it went quiet.

I think you have put too much emphasis on starting the conversation. Radio silence, no and drop outs are normal in the world of big disparate friendships groups.

The rules are: Invite one couple to a specific place at a specific time. When that is agreed open it up to the group. People will say yes/no to it rather than it being some vague thing.

The thing is these type of holidays can be good but only if the kids get on so they can go off and play for some time without needing input, and the adults get a chance to sit down and catch up. We have a couple of families we do this with, but there are many other families we are friends with, who we love to see for days out / meet ups but would never dream of going on holiday with them as the kids just don’t gel; or our parenting styles are too different. If you’re having to go referee the kids every 5 mins it’s just not fun.

If your kids are all a bit younger then theirs; then I can see why they think it might not work. Again, we go away with families with similar age kids (currently 6-9). Throwing pre schoolers into the mix would change things and I wouldn’t be that keen.
Are you close enough to meet for a day out half way? Maybe show them that the kids can get on.

I do agree with a lot of what @lemonsaretheonlyfruit has to say.

I wouldn’t call it emotional blackmail, but it’s a tactless text that suggests someone very self-centred, who has fixed ideas about ‘life stages’ and is panicking because she feels she’s not achieved one, and just thinks of her friendships instrumentally, as though other people are being withholding in not being agog to provide her child with ‘family shared holiday’ experiences.