Accused of manipulation/emotional blackmail with friends

[Housebuyingfamily]

DP and i are part of a large old friendship group, a few couples have kids of a similar age. People have become scattered round the country and we’ve learnt some families in a different region meet up regularly including weekends away.

We still do social things as a bigger group like festivals but now essentially there are these "family friendship units" within the group. Although we’re not local we can travel anywhere so it frustrates me they don’t seem to want that “family friendship” level and it makes me sad for our kids.

Our eldest is just starting school and we aren’t yet at the stage of sharing holidays with other families, we don’t have family around and overall feel she is starting to miss out on experiences with family-type friends, especially with kids of similar age.

I decided i had to be more proactive with these other couples, so set up a WhatsApp group and sent some trip ideas. There was some interest and chatter but after a few days the group went silent. Eventually I guess i kind of snapped a bit and wrote something like:

"guys, I created this group to share more experiences with family friends especially with kids of a similar same age. i sort of feel stuck in our friendship patterns from 10 years ago! we’re not yet at shared holiday stage with the school parents down here and feel like DD is starting to miss out."

Now DP has told me that this amounts to manipulation or emotional blackmail! But I just wanted to be really brutally honest as an old friend, as it’s starting to really get me down. AIBU?

I would but the op wouldn't have liked it

I'd take a big step back from you after that message!

I'd have left the group after reading the word 'guys'!

The message makes you sound very pushy and demanding.

How did this group come about? Is it a group who were mates at uni?

You are coming across as intense.

I have some friendships that have lasted 50, 40, 30 years but I don’t see them often because of distance. You need to foster some more local friendships.

I agree with everyone else that the message is intense. You perhaps feel isolated and vulnerable. The problem is we all have pressures on our time, especially at the stage when dc are starting school, and there simply isn't enough time to travel up and down the country to see this friend or that friend. Scale it back, carry on inviting people if you like but don't turn it into an obligation, because it does come across as a bit desperate and makes you look hard work and jealous, which I'm sure isn't how it was intended.

It all sounds very forced on your part OP. I have developed a close friendship with a woman and her partner. They have kids the same age as my son. It works because we clicked, we get on like a house on fire, and we live very close to each other. The only reason it works is because it happened organically and the feeling is mutual. It sounds like you're trying to force a very close friendship when in reality, it's not. I'd start focusing on your own family and maybe try and set up sone school play dates. Take it from there.

Hmm I wonder why they don't want you around their local events ......

I don't understand your perception that shared holidays with families of schoolfriends is a thing. I'm delighted to say we never did that with any of the DCs' friends, nor did I ever hear of it from anyone else. Children aren't automatically going to be friends with your friends' children, let alone enjoy going on holiday with them. I would only ever consider this if the respective children were already friends, which is something I would leave to happen naturally. If you try to force it you are setting yourself up for some very stressful holidays.

This

I have always lived by the saying “if they wanted you there you’d be there” don’t get FMO. I see way to many kids that are forced together because there mums and dads are friends and actually the children are completely different and don’t enjoy spending time with them. Enjoy family time together it’s goes to quick. Soon they grow up and will be off with their selected friends and you won’t even get a look in. Don't worry. The message did sound a little irrational but no one likes being left out.

I don’t think it’s manipulative or blackmail no. But it is a bit ‘I set up this group for my own children’s benefit and an dissatisfied with your service’

This is exactly how I read that message

Had I received your message, op, I would've left the group.

You are a much nicer person than me- if the OP were my friend and I read that message, I wouldn't be seeing her any more. Waaaaay too much unnecessary drama.

I can’t say that blackmail and manipulation were the first words that came to mind, but I would find that a very weird message to receive and would be a bit embarrassed for you and maybe feel a little sorry for you too. I’d also be wondering what you mean by “stuck in our friendship patterns from ten years ago”. Ultimately though, I would ignore that message.

I am really puzzled as to what it is you think your daughter is missing out on anyway, but certainly it sounds like something most people miss out on anyway as I have very rarely come across unrelated families holidaying together. Are you really worried that your daughter is missing out on something? Or is it more that you think you might be missing out on something as some others in the group are doing things without you.

Well I don’t think that message will have the result you want… if a friend said that to me it would really put me off planning something because I don’t want to feel guilted into it or responsible for their child missing out… I know it probably feels rubbish if they’re meeting up but your message also hints at you being a bit highly strung, sorry if that’s not the case.

I think you are over-thinking things. The "shared holiday stage" of a friendship is not a thing for most families. Kids aren't missing out if they don't go shared holidays with another family. Some people have friends they have holidays with and some don't, it's not essential.

I've never been on holiday with another family- can't think of anything worse. I'd rather just go with my DH and DD. I know a couple of families that are close and holiday together, but most people don't.

They see each other because they live nearby, it's easy and practical and works for them. I would happily meet up lots of with nearby families. I would not happily sign up to more expense and more effort to travel on weekends away to keep your daughter happy...

The onus is on you to get yourself closer to them if you want to be part of it. I'd dodge your message if it came from one of my friends.

The message you sent would make me run a mile! It sounds as if you want to go on holiday to benefit your kids (with anyone) rather than actually want to spend time with these friends. It's weird goal to be aiming to get the 'shared holiday' stage of a friendship.

When what you want requires other people's input, time and money, and they clearly don't want it, then you need to step back gracefully, and acknowledge that, having expressed your wishes, you're alone in your desire for whatever it is. Not, as the OP has done, 'snap', and message angrily about their failure to provide the 'shared holiday with children of the same age' experience she's looking for on behalf of her child. I think berating them for being stuck in their old friendship ways is particularly unwise if she wants to remain on good terms.

I certainly wouldn't take kindly to being criticised because I wouldn't go on holiday with someone who didn't even bother to pretend it was out of a desire for my company, but was quite upfront about it being because she hadn't made other, more local friends with children of the right age.

(We do regularly go on holiday with a couple who are both longterm friends of our with all our children (though their two are much older than DS), but I've always refused to go with another friend and her family, despite her suggesting it repeatedly over the years. I love her as an individual, but her DH and sons are simply not good at having fun, and I wouldn't enjoy it. )

I don’t think it’s manipulative or blackmail no. But it is a bit ‘I set up this group for my own children’s benefit and an dissatisfied with your service’

This.

This stage thing is a moot point anyway. Relax a bit.

It does sound like this...

as you said in your OP, you are all spread all over the place, and the ones who have formed 'family based friendship groups' no doubtedly live closer together, so they likely see each other much more often.

You havent said how far you live away from the couples with kids who meet up in these smaller groups, compared to how closely they live to each other, and Id suggest that proximity is really the main driver here - after all you say you all meet up for bigger events.

When kids meet so infrequently its really unlikely that they form bonds - certainly not the same kind of bonds that their parents have, with their shared history, so the meet ups are really still based upon the adult relationships - if the kids can rub along its a bonus, but they are little, and they are far more likely to build friendships with kids they see regularly - at nursery, or as in your daughter's case, at school.

That said, with my kids being now 23 and 18, we have NEVER been on holiday with anyone else. We have been to the odd festival, and an occasional day out - I think my eldest has been taken away on her own twice with another family, and my son, never. We've been to visit friends with kids a handful of times, but that wasnt for the kids sake, it was for me to catch up with friends. All this holidaying together is pretty unusual and you seem to be viewing it as something that you are missing out on.

You can't send messages like that! You can can send ones like this, " Hi all, we are going away to x, on this date. You're welcome to join us. Would be lovely to spend time with you all." Maybe those with kids already have friends with children, who live nearby. The ones without kids, probably wouldn't want to spend a holiday with other people's kids, sorry. Before I had kids, I avoided friends with kids. I have never enjoyed other people's kids.

OP, in your shoes I would've contacted one of the friends who do these weekends/trips away and ask casually if you could join them sometime on one such trip, gauge the response and take it from there. If this subgroup of friends live near each other and have DCs of similar age they have probably become closer because of those factors in common. Your approach to this comes over as entitled and like a bull in a china shop tbh

Completely agree with your DH's feedback. There's being honest and then there's being just bloody rude, demanding and entitled and that's how you've come across. This is not the way to address your frustrations so you really need to have a good look at yourself.

If one of my friends sent me this, I would be taking a few steps back from the friendship asap.