Accused of manipulation/emotional blackmail with friends

[Housebuyingfamily]

DP and i are part of a large old friendship group, a few couples have kids of a similar age. People have become scattered round the country and we’ve learnt some families in a different region meet up regularly including weekends away.

We still do social things as a bigger group like festivals but now essentially there are these "family friendship units" within the group. Although we’re not local we can travel anywhere so it frustrates me they don’t seem to want that “family friendship” level and it makes me sad for our kids.

Our eldest is just starting school and we aren’t yet at the stage of sharing holidays with other families, we don’t have family around and overall feel she is starting to miss out on experiences with family-type friends, especially with kids of similar age.

I decided i had to be more proactive with these other couples, so set up a WhatsApp group and sent some trip ideas. There was some interest and chatter but after a few days the group went silent. Eventually I guess i kind of snapped a bit and wrote something like:

"guys, I created this group to share more experiences with family friends especially with kids of a similar same age. i sort of feel stuck in our friendship patterns from 10 years ago! we’re not yet at shared holiday stage with the school parents down here and feel like DD is starting to miss out."

Now DP has told me that this amounts to manipulation or emotional blackmail! But I just wanted to be really brutally honest as an old friend, as it’s starting to really get me down. AIBU?

It doesn’t read well!

i u destined where you’re coming from feeling left out, but being ‘at shared holidays stage’ with school parents doesn’t really happen. It’s unusual to go on group holidays like that. It’s a minority who do.

your dd won’t miss out. What she needs is you and dh.

Hmm. It reads a bit like you have FOMO.

Surely if they all live close it's just a dynamic that has evolved naturally.

How far away from them do you live?

How many times has your child spent time with theirs?

Agree with this

As others have said, going on holiday with other families isn't something that everyone does and therefore your daughter isn't entitled to it.

Your message made it sound like you are annoyed that you haven't made friends with other families nearby yet but when you do you won't bother contacting your old friends. But in the meantime you expect them to really step up the effort!

I'd be considering sending a follow up message worded much better, apologising for the last one and a lot less pushy in tone.

Agree. Didn’t know this was a thing. Didn’t do this much as kids either unless it was actual family members.

This.

YANB entirely U. It's hard when you're trying to achieve something that no one else wants. I don't think your response is emotional blackmail or manipulative - we're allowed to state what we want. Ultimately it's not something you can force people into and you may have to deal with the disappointment. They might mull it over and come back with some ideas.

Out of interest, why do you think that your DC are missing out? Is it something you did as a child?

Yes, 'shared holidays stage' isn't really a thing as far as I know.

You're coming across as though you think the group should include your daughter by having family-based day trips until she's at this mysterious 'stage', whereupon you expect to join them, or someone else, on holiday.

It's an odd notion. You probably didn't quite mean it that way...but that's how they're going to interpret it.

Unfortunately I doubt you've done yourself any favours with that message.

I've found people will spend time with you if they want, if they don't they will act in the same manner your WhatsApp group has.

I think you need to let these go and make new friends in your local area.

Tbh I only started going away with family friends when our dc were at the very least 6 to 7 years old, and that was pretty irregular. I now go away with one friend and have done each year for the last 5 years. My dc are well into their teens now and get on with friends teens too.

I think a pp has nailed it by saying concentrate on your own family unit, not what other people are doing

I’d hate to get that message. To be blamed for someone’s child missing out because I didn’t want to do something would really stress me - but wouldn’t make me change my mind.

The families I go away with aren’t people I’ve known for ages and ages, they’re people I’ve met through having children and our children click. Nursery friends etc.

Sorry OP. That’s a harsh sounding message you sent! Agree that it comes off that you want this only for your child.

I would send another maybe retracting it? Did you get any replies?

And then concentrate on cultivating local friendships with local parents. You might meet someone you want to go away with there.

I don’t know a single person who has made school friends into holiday friends… actually I lie- two families did and now they don’t speak.

I am sorry to say that if I received a message like that on my WhatsApp I would back off the friendship altogether. You’ve made yourself sound very aggy.

Your daughter missing out is firstly entirely in your head.

8 have yet to meet someone scarred by the lack of holidays with groups of their parents friends

It's also 100% not your friends problem and if you can't see this then you need to

i get where your coming from OP as i grew up going away with family friend groups and day trips etc.

But i don't think group text is the way, i think it's inviting people over for the day, being the main organiser + driving force behind it.

starting with small outings then building up, doing mutual exchange trips.

so you take their kids for a few days in half term and do a staycation etc, then they do next half term.

organising a big day trip to the seaside in the summer and planning from now with dates and costs, there's proactive ways to go about, but you have to do the labour, not gentle suggestions with no follow through.

the message seemed a bit usey, like they'd be dropped once DD got school friends.

If you were my friend I’d probably make an effort to visit you for a day after that message as you come across as a bit lonely or worried about missing out but I wouldn’t go on holiday with you. You sound like the sort of person who’d try to control every little thing and I can’t be arsed with that.

I mean we went away with another family for a week when ours were toddlers. The adults, ie, dh and I and other couple, wanted to go to the place and the kids (of varied age and stage) obviously came too.
Is that not how it works?

To add, we've only shared family holidays a couple of times...and it was mainly owing to a shared hobby interest....and long standing friendship.
I don't think it's something that's typical.

Tbh Sounds like you’ve got massive fomo and are jealous of the families meeting up without you, and you’re using ‘daughter missing out on a vital life stage’ as the cover.
Your daughter isn’t missing out on anything, and it’s ok for you to feel left out. I probably would’ve been honest and said that you’d really like to spend more quality time with them rather than just the social events if possible and see where that went. But also be prepared to accept that this group might be closer as they are all in the same region, and your wife group might splinter somewhat for practical reasons as time goes on, just one of those things.

I think my kids had a pretty good family life (they’re grown up now). All of us have plenty of friends and we socialised a lot with other families when they growing up. However, we never had holidays away with other families. It never crossed my mind to do that and I don’t think anybody I know did that either.

I can see where you are coming from and if you enjoy holidays like that then I understand why you would want to do it. Your DD might love it. Or she might not. People are different. Your friends on the WhatsApp group might love you to pieces and really enjoy your company but they just don’t like holidaying with other people’s children, or they might be skint at the moment or they might not have enough work leave left. There are umpteen very good reasons why you haven’t had a positive response.

Your feelings about what you want for your DD are fine and reasonable so it’s understandable you might feel frustrated or annoyed. But you can’t expect people to have the same feelings and to do what you want. Your message makes it look like you really think that people should do what you want, and that’s not a good look at all.

There really isn't a "shared holiday phase " that sounds odd. These things happen organically if at all. You are sat chatting and decide to organise a trip. They only really work with people you feel very comfortable with or they are bundles of tension. Concentrate on making connections and real friends. If there are families you like, arrange picnics or play dates that maybe develop to Sunday lunches. But it depends on all family having the same vibe, ie partners getting on not just one parent.
Take a step back , your family is enough, have fun together

Your message is very intense. I wouldn’t respond to a message like that.

Is it possible your DD isn’t popular with the other kids? Sorry! Or you just aren’t considered because you live further away?

You have tried to arrange something and nobody is biting. Is there one person in the group you trust to be honest with you and ask them?

A holiday is meant to be a break from stress not a source of it. Just because they have found it works to go away together as families, does not mean that it's a stage and everyone must do it. Your DD is not missing out on anything. The vast majority of people don't go on multi-family holidays. They go away to spend time as a family together. You come across as pretty unhinged, like just because you started a whatsapp group, everyone should rally round to give your DD some special holiday experience or they're being assholes. Essentially you've painted yourself as the last person they'd want to go on holiday with.

I agree with this. The majority of people don't holiday with other families often, if at all.

Ugh. You've made it sound as though they owe you. Like they're obliged to take a duty holiday with you. Who's going to want to do that? Who's going to take any pleasure out of going on holiday with you now ?

Also it's absolutely not the norm to have shared holidays with friends. I certainly never have.

I'm guessing that your DD is an only child and you'd like her to have holidays where she has friends to play with.

A far better answer to that is to take her on the kind of holidays where you naturally meet other families or there's a kids club.

We used to go to a small camp site in France that didn't have any of the big facilities, but was of a size where even the youngest kids could be independent and they all soon palled up. And once they did, so did their parents. We used to hang out at each others plots with a bottle of wine and the kids played.

You can't oblige friends to give her that experience.