Can you see his side?

[BeArtfulLemonCat]

Hi,
I'm a SAHM and have been for a number of years. DP works 30-45 hours a week on set salary so wage is consistently same. I look after DS at home and have since birth. From birth I have done all feeds, all nappy changes, all baths, all meals, all getting dressed, all bed times. I do EVERYTHING for our child.

DP wakes 3 times a week at 4am to go to the gym. Other 2 working days he wakes at 6am. Finished most days by 2 pm sometimes earlier sometimes later but never after 4pm. Once finished work he showers then sits on couch watching television or napping until he goes to bed at 9pm.

I wake with DS at around 8am everyday. I do breakfast, I clean living area, kitchen, light fire, play with DS, do washing drying etc of clothes, do lunch, cook dinner, prep clothes for DP for next day and put DS to bed . This is basic. Some days this is all I feel up to other days I will do more including cleaning bedrooms, bathrooms etc but it's always me I get no help.

Weekends I do pretty much the exact same except we do shopping etc which I do and unpack. DP says everything outside his work is my responsibility. Furthermore he says that I am lazy because my house is not like a show home.

Honestly I have suffered with depression my whole life and our whole relationship. Before DS, DH never worked, I did and I did 80 percent of chores too. But since DS all the weight is on my shoulders regarding home and DS. I can't talk to DP because the lazy conversation is all he uses. I've tried expressing how this rhetoric is making my depression worse. But he doesn't acknowledge it or he will for one day and make promises of all the things he will change then same old. I'm lost, my depression is so bad now that I've no motivation for anything and anything more than basic chores or cleaning and looking after DS is all I can manage I feel permanently fatigued.

Without the usual he's this and that or you need to get a job. Can any working dad's or SAHM please tell me if you can see his side - should my house be a show room? Is his role working all he should do? Should I just stop whining AIBU?

I'm a Dad (working, not stay at home) and I can't see his side at all.
I still do my bit (and did when my partner was a SAHP some time ago).

If one of you works and one doesn't the division of labour should reflect that, but it shouldn't be all on you.

He sounds like a rubbish father and husband. Sorry.

So he works 30-45 hours per week and you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week???

No, I can’t see his side at all. You should both work roughly the same number of hours, whether that’s in paid employment, looking after your (shared) child, cleaning, or other chores. You should also both have the same amount of leisure time.

No I can't see his side. I don't understand why some men feel they can absolve themselves of all responsibility around the home just because they have a SAHM partner.

If both people were working full-time then both would be expected to help, and looking after a young child is more than full-time, it's 24/7.

Does he do anything with your son?

I'm sorry, that sounds like an awful living arrangement 💐 can you get yourself out of it?

Anyone would be depressed in this relationship.

Do you the best thing for you and your baby and leave.

Can I ask was your home always spotless? Or how did you feel if you got home from work and everything wasn't done? I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from. Like my house will be clean but not immaculate, I'll still have a laundry in the basket and things that need to be cleaned but the general jobs are always done.

Of course I can’t see his side, he’s being totally unreasonable.

Honestly, what’s the point of this relationship?

I can’t see his side, no - he’s a lazy sod and he shouldn’t speak to you like that. You’re a stay at home mum not a skivvy.

Looking after a small child can be a full time job in itself and that’s your primary role. Of course you’ll do housework when you can but it’s not on you to do everything. It sounds like he’s living the life of Riley with you even laying his clothes out for the next day!

What does he bring to the table over than money? It doesn’t sound like he’s a good father or engaged with your son, he’s modelling really poor behaviour too. When you love someone, you should want them to be happy and help them when they need support. Would you be happy if your son grew up to be a similar partner to someone else?

No I can’t see his side.

You need to get a job. Not necessarily at the same time as him but you say he gets home by 4pm. Find an evening job. Supermarket/pub.

You’ll feel valued by them and earning your way. He will have to step up with childcare and housework.

He’s utterly unreasonable and lazy,

I was SAHM for two years after dc2 was born, so caring for two kids full time. DH would get home from work, help do dinner, help tidy away dinner and toys, help get kids to bed and fold laundry and iron etc. We then got time together in the evening to rest together and watch tv or whatever.

chores outside his work hours should be shared 50-50

Not at all. I’m mostly a SAHM (I work one day and my Dp has that day with DS). I do the majority of main household chores during the day, but my Dp does a lot when home too - like cleaning up after dinner, emptying dishwasher some mornings, taking the bins out. All childcare is shared when he’s home. He wants to spend time with his child! Our home is clean and relatively tidy, but certainly not a show home!
Your Dp sounds pretty useless and uninterested in having a family. Why was he not working before you had ds? Remind him that you were still doing most of the chores during that time. I’d be having a serious chat about how this needs to change.

He doesn’t sound worthwhile at all.

Even if you’ve got an angelic child who sleeps for 12 hours, and you spend all of their sleeping time on yourself and not on household stuff (which sounds unlikely with your pointless husband huffing around about show home standards) you’re working 84 hours a week compared to his 35. How does he work out that you’re the lazy one?

At this point I’d say throw the whole man away.

I can't see his side at all, OP. I see he is trying to make the least contribution as possible while demanding the maximum from you, and I wonder what his plus points are? I do wonder if you would be happier and less depressed without him?

This.

He's a twat.

You need to prepare for life without him.

What I see of his side is that his behaviour is working for him. He's not going to change it. He doesn't want to resolve what he sees as your problems, he just wants you to shut up. He doesn't like you @BeArtfulLemonCat let alone love you. That's all you need to understand about him, I'm sorry

You are worth so much more than this. If it was just you and your child at least you wouldn't be thinking how much better things could be, because you wouldn't be looking after a lazy, entitled misogynist any more.

Even taking DC out of the equation for a minute, if he was single and lived alone he'd still have to cook for himself, do his own laundry, shop for food, wash the dishes... and work FT...

What an incredibly small, shitty life he leads if he thinks going to work is enough. It’s not enough. It’s not enough to not be a good partner, a good father, a well rounded individual.

I'm a SAHM and my husband has always shared all childcare and housework 50-50 outside his working/commuting hours. We negotiate evenings out socialising or other needs/wants fairly between us.

Being a stay at home parent doesn't mean you work 24/7 while he works a 40 hour week.

Why did you marry this useless fucker?

He's treating you as though he hates you, can't you see that? How can you bear to open your legs for him?

He's shown you who he is, he's shown you he has zero respect for you. If you stay with him you'll be a fool to yourself plus a terrible role model to your kid.

For your own sanity you have to split from him.,

I think the person staying at home should do the bulk of the domestic chores and life admin (paying bills are paid, for example). However, he finishes at 2-4pm. There is no reason why he can’t prepare half the evening meals, take his turn at loading the dishwasher, and change the bedlinen every now and again. He also sounds like a useless father. How old is your child. If he is old enough to get free hours at nursery I’d start looking for a job with a view to becoming more independent. Regardless, if he is making you unhappy then you should not stay with him.

Plays, carries into bed every night and the occasional meal if it's him that cooks on the rare occasions. Everything I do for DS is not hard work in his book so he doesn't really count that as a job.

You say you don't want to hear any get a job / leave him responses. Will it help to know that many people think he's being unreasonable? What do you think the solution is?

She already has a job, she's a SAHM. Even if she did take on work outside the house he wouldn't step up, OP said when she worked she still took on 80% on household chores.
Shed end up even more frazzled and resentful than she is now.

What she needs is a partner who values and respects her.

I work 12 hours a week. Dh works 37 plus an hour each way commute. Ds is 8 and at school. Week days i do most of the cleaning during the day, walk dog and I go to the gym and care for my dad. Dh gets in at 6 his tea is ready. He eats , makes pack up, tidys up while I do pots and we get ds to bed.
Weekends we share everything- child care/housework and rest time.